Line #81 Funny/NationalLampoonsVacation


1	* The franchise's RunningGag of the Griswolds getting stuck with a [[TheAllegedCar hideously ugly, impractical car]] starts with the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, a baby vomit green station wagon with faux wood panelling on all surfaces, trash bags as air bags (with a hair trigger), and four headlights on each side.
2	-->'''[[Creator/EugeneLevy Ed]]:''' You think you hate it now... [[ExactWords but wait 'til you drive it!]]
3	* When Clark is explaining to Ellen why he has decided to drive from Chicago to Los Angeles instead of flying, watch carefully and you'll notice Ellen is scraping the contents of dirty plates into the bin and handing them to Clark, who wipes them with a dish towel and puts them in a cupboard. Neither is paying enough attention to notice that at no point are they ''washing'' the plates.
4	* Clark interrupts Rusty and Audrey's video game session to show them the itinerary on the computer. Rusty and Audrey decide to continue their game anyway:
5	-->'''Clark:''' ''[the "Charge!" fanfare plays as a graphic of the car moves away from Chicago on the map...]'' Okay, now there's the, uh, Family Truckster as we leave Chicago. ''[... followed by a lawyer-friendly version of VideoGame/PacMan, controlled by Rusty]'' Rusty, please, do not eat the Truckster. ''[the car zigzags in all directions, with Pac-Man hot on the trail]'' Russ, d'you mind? I'm trying to, uh, work this out on the old computer. Please, Russ. ''[a spaceship, controlled by Audrey, spins into one corner and opens fire]'' Okay, Audrey. Thank you, Audrey, that's just great.\
6	'''Rusty:''' ''[as the car drives off one side of the screen and re-appears on the other side, Pac-Man still in pursuit]'' Look out, Dad, here I come!\
7	'''Clark:''' All right, that's enough, Russ. ''[the car drives off the top of the screen and re-appears at the bottom]'' Okay, now, I think we're moving toward the Grand Canyon- ''[Audrey's spaceship spins onto the screen again and fires at Pac-Man, who explodes]'' Thank you, good shot, Audrey.
8	* When the Griswolds pull out of their garage, all the luggage falls on the road. ''They haven't even pulled out of the driveway yet'', and they already have a problem.
9	* When the Griswolds drive by the St. Louis Arch:
10	--> '''Clark''': Do you see that, kids? That's the St. Louis Arch. The Gateway to the West. It's over 600 feet tall, and there's an elevator all the way to the top.\
11	'''Rusty''': Dad, can we go up on it?\
12	'''Clark''': No.
13	* Clark can't find the gas cap on the new station wagon. He sees another family pull into the station, and one of the kids lifts up the rear license plate to reveal the gas cap. So Clark tries that on the Truckster... and rips the license plate off, almost hitting a woman standing behind him.[[note]]An unscripted moment; Chevy Chase's look of shock at the near miss is genuine.[[/note]]
14	* The scene where the Griswolds roll through a black neighborhood of St. Louis.
15	--> '''Ellen''': This is so dangerous! We have no business being in an area like this!\
16	'''Clark''': This is a part of America we never get to see.\
17	'''Ellen''': That's good!\
18	'''Clark''': No, that's bad. We can't close our eyes to the plight of the cities. Kids, are you noticing all this plight? This will just make us appreciate what we have.\
19	''(gun shot heard outside the car)''\
20	'''Clark''': Roll 'em up!\
21	''(moments later)''\
22	'''Clark''': I wonder if you could tell me how to get back on the expressway?\
23	'''Pimp''': Man, fuck yo' mama!\
24	'''Clark''': Thank you very much!
25	* Eventually, Clark finds a man who appears to be able to direct them back to the expressway, but he's just distracting them for long enough for several other men to spray graffiti on their car and steal all four of their hubcaps. They then spend the rest of the trip with the words "HONKY LIPS" spray-painted on the side of the Roadster.
26	* Clark insists that he can drive for a little longer without sleep. The next cut is a slow pan across everyone in the car... Audrey is asleep, Rusty is asleep, Ellen is asleep... and Clark is asleep at the wheel with his head back and his mouth wide open.
27	* In the motel room, Clark tries out the vibrating bed, but it shakes ''too'' much, causing Clark and Ellen to ditch the bed and snuggle on the floor underneath some blankets. When Rusty and Audrey walk in on them, Clark brings his hand out from under the covers and his finger has Ellen's bra on it.
28	--> '''Audrey''': Weirdo-rama!
29	* Clark annoys a bartender in Dodge City so much that he yells, "Hey underpants!" and "shoots" Clark with a shotgun. And then Audrey can't hear when Clark addresses her.
30	--> '''Ellen:''' Are you happy now, Clark? She's deaf.
31	* Catherine and Eddie's son Dale shows Rusty his nudie magazine collection, but won't let Rusty borrow them, as he "uses" them regularly. Rusty is confused, so Dale explains:
32	-->'''Dale:''' You ever [[UnusualEuphemism bop your bologna]]?
33	* Meanwhile, Dale's sister Vicki reveals a bit too much about their family to Audrey:
34	-->'''Vicki:''' I'm going steady, and I French kiss.\
35	'''Audrey:''' So? Everybody does that.\
36	'''Vicki:''' Yeah, but my daddy says I'm the best at it.
37	* Catherine: "Eddie says that after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs."
38	* As cranky Aunt Edna joins the family for dinner, she asks if Catherine and Eddie have told Clark and Ellen "the good news". They haven't, so she tells them herself:
39	-->'''Edna:''' You're driving me to Phoenix! ''(all the contents of Clark's sandwich squirt onto the plate)''
40	* This:
41	--> '''Eddie:''' I was laid off when they closed that asbestos factory. The Army cuts my disability pension. They claimed the plate in my head wasn't large enough.\
42	'''Catherine:''' Eddie, Clark and Ellen don't want to hear about our problems.\
43	'''Clark''': No, no. It is very interesting.\
44	'''Edna''': Why don't you just ''ask'' him for the money, Eddie? He sure as hell can't take a hint!\
45	'''Eddie''': Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark. Could you, maybe, spare a little extra cash?\
46	'''Clark''': Sure, Eddie! ''(gets out his wallet and starts to pull out a bill)'' How much money do you need?\
47	'''Eddie''': About $52,000.\
48	''(Clark stuffs the bill back in his wallet)''
49	* When the Griswolds leave Cousin Eddie's farm, Eddie goes to kiss Ellen, who retracts before he can do so. The joke was so funny, they recycled it in ''Christmas Vacation''.
50	* Clark's awkward sandwich dance, then spitting it out after learning that the dog peed on the picnic basket. Aunt Edna just keeps on eating.
51	* The Griswolds stop off at a terrible campground in Colorado.
52	-->'''Ellen:''' Eeew, Clark, this tent smells.\
53	'''Clark:''' Edna, this is your tent.
54	* The scene where Clark is pulled over by a Colorado state patrolman for not untying Edna's dog, Dinky, from the car before driving off is a brilliant piece of BlackComedy.[[note]]In reality, Chevy Chase took such a liking to Popeye, the dog playing Dinky, that he adopted him after filming wrapped.[[/note]]
55	** As furious as the patrolman is with Clark, he seems a bit hazy on the legal specifics:
56	--->'''Patrolman:''' ''[removing the (now empty) leash from the back of the car]'' Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?\
57	'''Clark:''' No, sir, I don't.\
58	'''Patrolman:''' Well... ''[{{Beat}}]'' It's probably pretty stiff.
59	** The patrolman lets Clark off with a warning, but his attempts to keep Edna from finding out fail miserably:
60	--->'''Edna:''' ''[in an "I told you so" tone of voice]'' I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. ''[Clark exchanges a chagrined look with Ellen, who already knows the truth]'' You've been exceeding the speed limit for ''thousands'' of miles!\
61	'''Rusty:''' Dad wasn't speeding! The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to-\
62	'''Ellen:''' ''[quickly]'' He was ''speeding'', Rusty!\
63	'''Rusty:''' No he wasn't, Mom...\
64	'''Clark:''' Russ! Listen to your mother, I ''was'' speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful to this man for stopping us. ''[as the patrolman walks up to the driver's side window]'' You see kids, a car-\
65	'''Patrolman:''' Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.\
66	'''Clark:''' ''[forcing a polite smile]'' Thank you, officer.\
67	'''Patrolman:''' See you. ''[leaves]''\
68	'''Clark:''' Have a nice day. ''[grimaces; Ellen closes her eyes and sighs in defeat, while Edna begins sobbing]''
69	* Clark gets the family lost in the desert "somewhere in Arizona" (to quote the intertitle) and crashes the car after running it off a ramp. A parade of hilarity follows.
70	** Ellen foreshadows the impending disaster as they obliviously drive past a "ROAD CLOSED" sign.
71	--->'''Ellen:''' I honestly don't think you're gonna find the Grand Canyon on ''this'' road.\
72	'''Clark:''' Jesus, it's only the biggest goddamn hole in the world!\
73	'''Edna:''' ''Clark!'' Watch your language!\
74	'''Clark:''' ''[under his breath]'' Make that the second biggest.
75	** When the car crashes, Ellen, Rusty and Audrey chime in with the injuries they (think) they sustained. Adding to the hilarity, Rusty and Audrey go from the back seat just before the crash to jammed in the front with their parents after the crash.
76	--->'''Ellen''': ''(pinching her nose)'' I think I broke my nose!\
77	'''Rusty''': ''(with his finger up his nose)'' I stabbed my brain!\
78	'''Audrey''': ''(pulling herself up from the floor)'' I just got my period!
79	** This gem:
80	--->'''Audrey:''' Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?\
81	'''Ellen:''' Find a bush, Audrey!
82	** Rusty comments that Clark's ramp jump must've been at least 50 yards.
83	---> '''Clark''': That's nothing to be proud of, Rusty. ''(to himself, smirking proudly)'' Fifty yards...
84	** After Clark crashes the car in the desert, Edna wants to get out.
85	---> '''Ellen:''' Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here!\
86	'''Edna:''' ''(aghast)'' Don't you tell me what to do! I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you! I should have taken an airplane! And he [Clark], he shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be behind bars!\
87	'''Ellen:''' Sit down, and ''shut up''!\
88	''(Edna, intimidated, gets back in the car)''\
89	'''Ellen:''' Move out of that seat, and I'll split your lip!
90	** Clark shares a beer with Rusty, who proceeds to drink the ''entire can''. When Clark takes the can back from him, he tries to take a sip but is surprised to find it's empty.
91	--->'''Clark:''' At first, I didn't want to take this vacation, and now I'm glad I did. It's given me a chance to spend a lot more time with you, and, uh...\
92	'''Rusty:''' Audrey.\
93	'''Clark:''' Audrey, yeah.
94	** While they're talking, Clark puts on his glasses, and they fall off his face because the bridge is broken.
95	* Clark walks through the desert to find a gas station, and two Native Americans watch him from afar. One says, "What an asshole." His horse even snorts in agreement.
96	* When Clark starts becoming delirious from lack of water, he randomly spouts "Here boy" while muttering.
97	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMf5dvUlYko The "how much you got?" scene.]]
98	-->'''Clark:''' What does your sheriff think of your business practices? ''[one of the crooked mechanics cackles and pulls out a sheriff's badge]''
99	* At the hotel which won't take his credit card or take a check, Clark bangs his hand on the desk when the hotel clerk walks away. The bang causes the cash register to open; on an impulse, Clark grabs the cash from the register and sticks the filled-out check for $1,000 in the register to call it even. In the very next scene, the family is at the Grand Canyon and Clark's in a hurry to leave. Ellen asks him, "Don't you want to see the Grand Canyon?" Clark looks at it for a total of two seconds and is satisfied.
100	* Clark's crappy eulogy for Edna:
101	--> '''Clark''': Oh, God... Ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair! Admit this good and decent woman into Thine arms and the flock in Thine heavenly area up there. And Moab, he laideth down behind the land of the Canaanites. And, yea, though the Hindus speak of karma...\
102	'''Ellen:''' Clark!\
103	'''Clark:''' I implore you, give her a break.\
104	'''Ellen:''' Clark, this is a serious matter, I'll do it myself!\
105	'''Clark:''' Honey, I'm not an ordained minister! I'm doing my best, okay?
106	* The SpoofAesop:
107	--> '''Ellen''': I hope you kids learned something about life and death from all of this.\
108	'''Audrey''': [[SarcasmMode Yeah, don't die unless somebody's home]].
109	* Clark's breakdown for reason about the vacation:
110	--> '''Clark:''' I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well, I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling "Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah" out of your assholes! ''(laughs)'' I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!\
111	'''Rusty:''' ''(grabs Clark's shoulder)'' Dad, you want an Aspirin or something?\
112	'''Clark:''' ''(still grinning)'' DON'T TOUCH!
113	* Clark's convoluted lie to the Girl in the Ferrari:
114	--> '''Girl in the Ferrari''': Having a nice little family vacation?\
115	'''Clark''': It would appear so, wouldn't it? No, the truth of it is, and this is highly confidential... I own this motel. I own the whole chain, nationwide. 2,200 units. Yeah, once a year, I travel across the country, incognito. Check things out, and see how the operation is running.\
116	'''Girl in the Ferrari''': I thought you were going to say you worked for the CIA.\
117	'''Clark''': That's an old bit, isn't it?\
118	'''Girl in the Ferrari''': Really.\
119	'''Clark''': No, I'm not with the CIA. I ''was'', but that was a long time ago. I don't like to talk about it. No, I'm mainly interested in my motels now. And my airline.\
120	'''Girl in the Ferrari''': That's great.\
121	'''Clark''': I'm just trying to have a little fun.\
122	'''Girl in the Ferrari''': It's a shame you're married. I'm in the mood for some fun.\
123	'''Clark''': Married? You mean those people I'm with? That's my brother's family. My brother's ring. I usually borrow them on these little inspection tours of mine. It helps to complete the disguise. It's fun for them.\
124	'''Girl in the Ferrari''': It's a good disguise. I like the station wagon effect.\
125	'''Clark''': Yeah? Well, that's a big part of it. In order to be convincing, you have to look and act like an ordinary jerk. You know, stop at all the stupid sites and look like a fool.\
126	'''Girl in the Ferrari''': Basically, be yourself?\
127	'''Clark''': Yeah!
128	* After Clark is busted for being nearly naked in the pool with the Girl in the Ferrari, he has a father-son talk with Rusty. Clark creates the worst lie possible by saying that the woman was a "pool waitress". Even funnier, Rusty humors him and pretends to buy it. When Clark returns to his room, Ellen (who is downbeat that he was in the pool with the woman) asks, "Do you like that girl?" Clark replies, "How could I like her? She's [[BlatantLies ugly]]."
129	* When the Griswolds get to the front gate of Walley World to find it closed, Clark pushes a button on a Marty Moose statue, which plays a recorded message that the park is closed. Clark punches the Marty Moose in the nose, which causes the recording to play back at a lower pitch.
130	* When Clark holds up Lasky the security guard with a BB gun:
131	-->'''Ellen:''' We're not violent people. This is our first gun! ''(Lasky is relieved)''\
132	'''Clark:''' No it isn't. ''(Lasky is terrified again)''
133	* Later:
134	-->'''Lasky''': Has your father ever killed anyone before?
135	-->'''Rusty''': Just a dog...and my Aunt Edna.
136	-->'''Clark''': You can't prove that Russ!
137	* When the Griswolds exit Walley World, the SWAT team tells them to freeze, spread their legs, put their hands on their head, and get up against the wall. The way everyone awkwardly walks in that position is hilarious.
138	* The cops frisk the Griswolds for weapons, but Ellen slaps the cop frisking her and warns, "Watch your hands, mister."
139	* When Grover and Lasky talk over each other to Roy Walley, who gets increasingly fed up until he shouts, "QUIET!!!"
140	* Clark with Roy Walley:
141	--> '''Clark''': We could have gone anywhere we wanted to this summer. Anywhere in the world. But when I asked my kids... Kids, remember when I asked you where you wanted to go on vacation? What did you say?\
142	'''Rusty''': Hawaii?\
143	'''Clark''': Shut up, Russ. Audrey, you remember?\
144	'''Audrey''': Uh... Walley World, dad?\
145	'''Clark''': "Walley World, Dad!"\
146	''(moments later, when discussing Walley's kids)''\
147	'''Clark''': Did you ever drive them across country?\
148	'''Roy''': Oh hell yes. I took the whole clan to Florida one year. The worst two weeks I ever had in my life! The smell from the backseat was, j- unbearable.\
149	'''Clark''': I know that smell. I know that smell. But Roy, can you imagine how your kids would have felt if you got to Florida and it was closed?\
150	'''Roy''': Oh they don't close Florida.
151	* The final shot of the End Credits PhotoMontage, which shows the Griswold family heading home--[[TheStinger on an airplane.]]

Context Funny / NationalLampoonsVacation