Line #155 Funny/MassEffect1


1	Funny moments from ''VideoGame/MassEffect1'':
2	[[quoteright:1000:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/img_3859.jpeg]]
3	[[caption-width-right:1000: The Mako, the APC that is the reason Shepard [[DrivesLikeCrazy can’t drive]]]]
4
5	!Normandy Crew
6	* Kaidan is a CovertPervert:
7	** When F!Shep asks if he finds Liara attractive, he claims Liara is "not to his taste". When talking to male Shepard the conversation goes along these lines:
8	--->'''Male Shepard:''' Just remember that I saw her first.\
9	'''Kaidan:''' Only by a few seconds, sir.
10	*** This becomes [[HilariousInHindsight even funnier in the third game]] if the two decide to forget Liara because they're more interested in each other.
11	** His comments regarding Chora's Den, filled with asari strippers:
12	--->'''Kaidan:''' I can see why this place is so popular. It's got quite the... view.\
13	'''Ashley:''' Hey, LT, put your tongue back in your mouth before you trip on it.
14	** His legendary remark after Qui'in says how interested all the younger male employees were in Matriarch Benezia in a pinstripe suit.
15	--->It does sound like something that you'd find on an extranet fetish site. ''({{beat}})'' [[DefensiveWhat What?]]
16	* From the rarely-seen renegade Kaidan, regarding the Council:
17	-->"50,000 years to figure this out and it's down to 25 mutineers. Way to go, team Milky Way."
18	* ''All'' of Wrex's lines are pretty much made of hilarity. It's the way he delivers them. Everything is said in this completely deadpan voice where you can't quite tell if he's joking or not at first. He usually is, though--he probably does it on purpose because he thinks it's funny to watch other species squirm while they try to wriggle their way out of getting mauled by an angry krogan. It's just so funny that the oldest, grumpiest member of your squad is also the designated DeadpanSnarker. Joker may be quite adept at being the DeadpanSnarker, but Wrex truly elevates this to an art form.
19	** On killing krogans despite the genophage: "Anyone who fights us is either stupid or on Saren's payroll. Killing the latter is business. Killing the [[TooDumbToLive former]] is a favor to the universe."
20	** And when first talking to him on the Normandy: "There was this one time the turians almost wiped out our entire race. That was fun." It's the delivery that makes it hilarious.
21	** When Vigil reveals that, as his energy reserves dwindled, he turned off life support for "non-essential personnel" first before moving on to everyone else, Wrex says, "I bet the non-essential personnel didn't know about this contingency."
22	* Speaking of ''[[Franchise/EvilDead Army of Darkness]]''...
23	-->'''Ashley:''' Nothing like a nice relaxing day on the beach, ''[[ShoutOut blasting bad guys with my boomstick!]]''
24	** Makes you wonder if her name is entirely coincidental. If it was, they probably noticed half way in and just ran with it.
25	* "Your grasp of the obvious is inspiring."
26	-->'''Ashley''': Huh. Nobody died.\
27	'''Kaidan''': I could shoot someone if it would make you feel better.\
28	'''Ashley''': Nah, I'm good.
29	* Kaidan gives Shepard some initial advice on dealing with ambassadors:
30	--> '''Kaidan:''' Salute anything you can't eat or kill.
31	** His animation immediately after this is him saluting Shepard.
32	* "Who votes to take the vehicle into the creepy underground tunnel?"
33	** Then Garrus: "Yes. Its weapons' massive firepower should be useful in these cramped quarters."
34	* When Ashley is telling Shepard about her family and gets to the part about her father:
35	-->'''Ashley:''' Dad passed on a few years back, he's probably still watching though, so behave.\
36	'''Shepard:''' He's not a zombie, is he?
37	** Though given what Shepard faces on the mission, including mind-controlling plants, eldritch techno-gods, armies of robots, a potential BugWar, and ''actual'' zombies, they might actually require clarification on that one.
38	* During a conversation with Ashley about some of her anti-alien sentiments, you can get something along the lines of the following exchange:
39	-->'''Ashley:''' You ask me to jump, I’ll say 'how high?' You ask me to kiss a turian, I'll say 'which cheek'?\
40	'''Shepard:''' I don't think kissing turians is going to be necessary, Chief.
41	** Pretty standard humor for Ashley. Then cue [[HilariousInHindsight [=ME2=]'s romantic options...]]
42	*** This branch from the "kiss a turian" line.
43	---->'''Shepard:''' Will you kiss anyone I tell you to?\
44	'''Ashley:''' Yes, sir. Unless you ask me to kiss a superior officer. This would violate Alliance regulations on fraternization. At which point, I would refuse your request and relieve you of your command. ...Sir.
45	*** FridgeBrilliance: Then Shepard wouldn't be her superior officer anymore. Let's hear it for LoopholeAbuse!
46	* Talking to Ashley about Eden Prime:
47	-->'''Shepard:''' The geth are perfect ambushers. They don't move, they don't sleep, they don't even breathe.\
48	'''Ashley:''' Sir, they have flashlight heads!
49	* There’s a time when Shepard decides to mess with Liara somewhat with them asking if Liara wants to make them a lab experiment. She tries to explain that [[DiggingYourselfDeeper she thinks they are interesting for in depth study...]][[ThatCameOutWrong only for them to realize what she just said.]] Shepard reassures her that they were just kidding, making her very embarrassed.
50	* Talking with Ashley about her family, and the subject of her sisters comes up.
51	-->'''Shepard:''' Don't tell me you spent your days running through green fields singing show tunes.\
52	'''Ashley:''' Don't speak ill of show tunes, sir/ma'am, I might have to take exception.
53	* Ashley getting a bit cautious in the lead-up to Armistice Day can prompt some Shepard Snark:
54	-->'''Shepard:''' I always carry my lucky rabbit's foot, that'll clear up any bad waves.\
55	'''Ashley:''' Just don't wave it around. Wrex might try to eat it.
56
57	!Renegade Shepard
58	* "I've had enough of your snide insinuations." '''[[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome SHEPARD PAWNCH!]]'''
59	* Renegade Shepard has a very... direct manner of dealing with demands to surrender:
60	-->'''Krogan Battlemaster:''' Surrender. Or don't. [[BloodKnight That would be more fun.]]\
61	'''Renegade!Shepard:''' ''[{{beat}}]'' We don't have time to deal with this idiot! CHARGE!\
62	''Cue everyone reaching for their guns.''\
63	'''Krogan Battlemaster:''' Oh, I like your attitude.
64	* Renegade Shepard has by far the most of these in the game.
65	-->'''Turian Councilor:''' Do you take pleasure in committing genocide, Shepard?\
66	'''Shepard:''' Depends on the species... turian.
67	** The first time you try to warn the Council about the Reapers:
68	--->'''Shepard:''' I tried to warn you about Saren, and you ignored me. Look how that turned out.\
69	'''Turian Councilor:''' I believe you humans have a saying: "Even a broken clock is right twice a day."\
70	'''Shepard:''' [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome Here's another one: "Go to hell!"]]
71	* The Renegade response when Conrad Verner asks Shepard to make him a spectre too: "I haven't been shot in the head nearly enough times for that to sound like a good idea."
72	* After you choose to gun down Wrex, Kaidan approaches you and asks if you're okay. The Renegade answer is: [[BondOneLiner "I'm feeling a hell of a lot better than he is."]]
73	* Cutting off the Council:
74	-->'''Asari Councilor:''' Commander, is this some kind of game? Are you calling in a report just so that you can cut us off again?\
75	'''Shepard:''' You know it!\
76	''[{{beat}}]''\
77	'''Audibly amused Joker:''' [[LampshadeHanging That never gets old, does it...?]]\
78	--\
79	'''Asari Councilor:''' [[TranquilFury Commander, do not cut me off again like last time.]] ''[[DudeNotFunny I fail to find it amusing.]]''\
80	'''Shepard:''' [[{{Troll}} Whoops!]]\
81	'''Joker:''' Aaaand we're out!\
82	--\
83	'''Shepard:''' Aww, looks like we lost the signal, Joker.\
84	'''Joker:''' Understood, commander.
85	* Shepard, on the Council:
86	-->"Blind, useless fools. [[WhileRomeBurns I'd have given them fiddles, but I doubt they read history.]]"
87	* Admiral Hackett sends a Renegade Shepard to negotiate with a warlord who's trying to extort the Alliance. Shepard's reaction to getting this mission is basically, "You want ''me'', of all people, to negotiate?" Darius makes several outrageous demands, and if you balk at them, you're forced to kill him. Later, reporting to Hackett, Shepard says, "You ''wanted'' me to kill him, didn't you?" Hackett is hilariously momentarily speechless before he says that the Alliance can't sanction assassination, but since you're a Spectre, there's nothing they can do.
88	** Even more amusing is if you accept his ridiculous demands and make peace with the warlord. Hackett is annoyed that for once you took the diplomatic approach instead of just killing him like you were expected to.
89	* Renegade Shepard and the RhetoricalQuestionBlunder:
90	-->'''Turian Councillor:''' ''(on rachni)'' How many generations before they wipe us out?\
91	'''Shepard:''' Uh... three? No, four!
92
93	!Elevators
94	* The elevator music. Makes the otherwise-boring elevator sequences pretty damn funny.
95	* Speaking of the elevators, nearly everyone's elevator conversations on the Citadel. Bonus points for the mention of Francis Kitt's production of Hamlet with elcor actors. Becomes even funnier in ''VideoGame/MassEffect2'', when you learn that this production of Hamlet is a riveting FOURTEEN HOURS long. Better yet, you can find Francis Kitt in ''VideoGame/MassEffect3'', talking with another person about his next production: Macbeth with a krogan as the lead and a pyjak.
96	* The much-maligned elevator rides are, at least, good for comedy:
97	-->'''Wrex:''' Hey, Tali. Your people created the geth, ever talk about it?\
98	'''Tali:''' Do the krogan talk about starting a stupid war that got your species sterilized?\
99	'''Wrex:''' ''All'' the time.
100	* And this:
101	-->'''Liara:''' Our travels now are somewhat different from my normal excavations. I would prefer lengthier studies, and fewer explosions.\
102	'''Tali:''' Yes. Most of the technology that I hoped to send back to the Flotilla has subsequently attempted to kill us.\
103	'''Wrex:''' It's good for you. A nice explosion now and then keeps the mind sharp.\
104	'''Ashley:''' I think you speak for scientists everywhere, Liara.
105	* Eh, let's just say [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOg-nLWe71w ANY elevator conversation with Wrex]] is worthy for the lulz.
106	-->'''Kaidan''': I haven't spent much time with krogan before, Wrex. I have to say, you're not what I expected.\
107	'''Wrex''': Right. Because you humans have a wide range of cultures and attitudes, but krogan all think and act exactly alike.\
108	'''Kaidan''': Whoa. I-I didn't mean... Look, just forget I said anything.\
109	'''Wrex''': Done.
110	* Ashley takes the elevator ride on Therum in stride.
111	-->Dare you to spit over the side.
112	* One of the best elevator conversations ever, between Wrex and Tali:
113	-->'''Wrex''': Who would win in a fight between you and Shepard?\
114	'''Tali''': Do krogan size up everyone they meet for a fight, including friends and allies?\
115	'''Wrex''': ''[[BluntYes Yes]]''.
116	** Wrex's tone makes him sound surprised that she even asked the question, in the "you ''don't''?" sense.
117	** If you have Wrex and Kaidan, the conversation ends up going something like this.
118	--->'''Wrex''': Who would win in a fight between you and Shepard?\
119	'''Kaidan''': What? Commander Shepard is my superior officer. I can't see us ever having to fight.\
120	'''Wrex''': You can't? That's why Shepard is your superior officer. And ''that's'' why... Shepard would win.
121	*** If one thinks about this, this also means that Wrex, one of the most badass individuals in the universe, believes Shepard could kick his butt most days since Wrex is willing to let Shepard order him around most of the time. He's not wrong.
122
123	!Romance
124	* The following exchange:
125	-->'''Kaidan''': If things don't go well, I want you to know - I've enjoyed serving under you.\
126	'''Shepard''': Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of you [[DoubleEntendre serving under me]] yet.\
127	'''Kaidan''': Ouch, I walked right into that one.
128	** If you mod a save file to romance Kaidan as a male Shepard, this is one of the lines that was recorded before the option was cut, so the dialog plays out in its entirety. Mark Meer's delivery isn't quite as tongue-in-cheek, so he comes off as StraightGay while Kaidan's lines are still delivered the same, like he's talking to a woman.
129	* This exchange:
130	-->'''Ashley:''' Wow. [[LampshadedDoubleEntendre Gives "down and give me twenty" a whole new meaning.]]\
131	'''Shepard:''' You still sassin' me soldier? I think you need some more physical training.
132	* Ashley trying to romance Shepard with poetry can lead to this reply.
133	-->"As I recall the captain dies in that poem."
134	** That line is even funnier or more tragic in hindsight.
135	* Ashley's conversation with male Shepard, after using Paragon to persuade Jeong into saving the colonists.
136	-->'''Shepard''': I just pretend I have my head up my ass and don't care about anything except money.\
137	'''Ashley''': [[ShoutOut That would be]] [[Film/ThePrincessBride a waste of a perfectly fine ass]]... sir.
138	* If you have a good rapport with Liara while romancing Kaidan, he may hesitate, wondering if there's "someone else you'd like to confide in". The Paragon response?
139	-->'''Shepard:''' All right, Alenko. Off the record, permission to speak candidly, cross my heart and hope to die. ''[[ObliviousToLove What the hell are you talking about]]''?
140	* This can occur right after a relationship is begun between Shepard and Liara.
141	-->'''Liara:''' We have almost nothing in common.\
142	'''Shepard:''' Saren wants us both dead. There's something.\
143	'''Liara:''' That is not the most romantic way of looking at it.
144
145	!Citadel
146	* When Shep, Ashley, and Kaidan first get to the Citadel and admire the view:
147	-->'''Kaidan:''' [[CaptainObvious Big place!]]\
148	'''Ashley:''' ...[[DeadpanSnarker That your professional opinion]], sir?
149	** Later in the same conversation:
150	--->'''Ashley:''' Or maybe they just don't like humans.\
151	'''Shepard:''' Why not? We've got [[{{Series/V 1983}} oceans]], [[MarsNeedsWomen beautiful women]], [[WhatIsThisThingYouCallLove this emotion called love]]. According to the old vids, we have everything they want.\
152	'''Kaidan (to F!Shep):''' When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you. I mean, us! Humans! Ma'am.\
153	'''Ashley:''' [[YouNeedToGetLaid You don't take much shore leave]], do you, L-T?
154	** And at the end of the conversation, after Kaidan's fumble:
155	--->'''Ashley:''' ''I'll'' walk drag, ma'am.
156	** Alternately, with male Shepard:
157	--->'''Ashley:''' Yeah, well if you want me in a tinfoil mini skirt and thigh-high boots, you're gonna have to buy me dinner first. ''[{{beat}}]'' Sir.\
158	'''Kaidan:''' ''[chuckles]'' That'll be enough, Chief.\
159	'''Shepard:''' ''[picking "It's all right"]'' At ease, Lieutenant. I can't see [[TheSquadette her]] in a skirt, anyway.\
160	'''Ashley:''' ''[flustered]'' Damn straight you can't.
161	* When you're in the Citadel:
162	-->'''C-Sec Guard''': That [[StarfishAliens hanar]] refuses to listen to reason, why can't it act in an orderly and lawful manner?\
163	'''Shepard''': [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9GWHG_3rxc Because it's]] [[FantasticRacism a big, stupid jellyfish!]]
164	** That entire scene with the hanar and the turian can come across as rather funny due to the fact that the turian officer just sounds so exasperated, like he's been putting up with this kind of crap all day and just wants to go home to take a nap.
165	* There's a hilarious bit in the Upper Markets on the Citadel. A human customer keeps attempting to make a return to a turian salesman. Their back and forth is made even funnier when another (turian) customer's return is accepted much more easily. (He ''has'' a proof of purchase, sir.)
166	** If you follow it to the end he finds the receipt and gets a refund with no trouble. Until it continues in the sequel, of course...
167	* Ashley's comments on Chora's Den is always good for a chuckle.
168	-->'''Ashley:''' A million light years from where humanity began and we walk into a bar filled with men drooling over half naked women shaking their asses on a stage. I can't decide if that's funny or sad.\
169	'''Kaidan:''' What, you don't think they're here because of the food?
170	* Bringing Garrus to the Rogue AI assignment on the Citadel.
171	-->'''AI''': Probability of detection 100%. Initiating self-destruct protocol.\
172	''[beat]''\
173	'''Garrus''': That ''could'' be a problem.
174	** Bring Wrex and Liara, and Liara comments they should be able to just shut the machine down. Then the AI announces its self-destruct protocol.
175	--->'''Wrex:''' Or not.
176	* In a minor sidequest on the Citadel, Shepard can either help the salarian Schells develop a device for cheating at space slot machines, or give the prototype device to the casino's owner and then go back and tell Schells about it. His flabbergasted reaction is already pretty funny, but when he asks what he's supposed to do now, Shepard's companions break out the snark:
177	-->'''Kaidan:''' Get a job?\
178	'''Schells:''' You're no help at all!
179
180	!Noveria
181	* On landing:
182	-->'''Kaidan:''' I think I've got ''snow'' in my boots! Mom was right. I should've brought a sweater.
183	* Ashley gives good advice once outside the ship:
184	-->'''Ashley:''' Nobody lick any poles.
185	* If you have Wrex with you when you first arrive, and you have the confrontation with the dock guards:
186	-->'''Shepard:''' Easy. We don't want to start a fight.\
187	'''Wrex:''' .....Why not?
188	** Tali's reaction is just as good: "I'll be... right behind you. That armor is in good condition?"
189	** And then there's the conversation with Lorik Qui'in, hilarious no matter who you bring with you: Kaidan's [[CovertPervert remark]] about asari and extranet fetish sites, Ashley's ironic TakeThat against the video game industry, Qui'in calmly asking Shepard to try not to get blood on his office carpets, and Wrex telling Qui'in that if the Executive Board doesn't support him, then they're fools and "You (Qui'in) should eat them."
190	*** The fetish site thing is especially funny considering his earlier claim that Liara is "not to his taste", and he doesn't have much interest in "alien culture". Suuuuure.
191	*** If the player talks to one of the guards in Port Hanshan's lobby afterward, he mentions Qui'in [[BrickJoke complaining about the blood in the carpets]].
192	* Lorik Qui'in has evidence that Administrator Anoleis is crooked and has Shepard retrieve the evidence. If you ask him to testify instead of using it for blackmail, he will refuse. You can convince him... OR you can just give the evidence to Anoleis instead (ruining Qui'in's career, and possibly his life) simply to backstab him. Upon telling Qui'in (who is naturally in shock), he asks why. The Renegade response?
193	-->'''Shepard''': You refused to testify. [[InsaneTrollLogic Obviously you hate justice and deserve this.]]\
194	'''Lorik Qui'in''': [[LampshadeHanging What insane breed of logic is that?]]
195	** Gianna Parasini's reaction is also excellent, as is Shepard's response.
196	--->'''Parasini:''' Spectre, have you given any more consideration to my offer?\
197	'''Shepard:''' Anoleis paid me for it. Tough luck.\
198	'''Parasini:''' You're kidding. Do you have any I...WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!\
199	'''Shepard:''' Language, miss.
200	** Also, threaten Anoleis with blackmail when you have Garrus and Wrex with you:
201	--->'''Wrex:''' Ah, [[WhyDontYaJustShootHim we could have saved time by beating him into cooperation.]]\
202	'''Garrus:''' [[WhatTheHellHero We couldn't do that!]]\
203	'''Wrex:''' Yes we could. Do you think he lifts anything heavier than stacks of hardcopy?
204	* Lorik Qui'in remarking on a human turn of phrase:
205	-->'''Shepard''': ''[when finishing up a conversation with him]'' I should let you go.\
206	'''Qui'in''': "Let me go"? Do humans consider conversation a form of imprisonment? Maybe that is why so few are willing to sit and talk.
207	* Wrex's solution to Qui'in's board members not helping: "They're idiots, and you should eat them."
208	* Trying to make small talk with the krogan bounty hunter Inamorda.
209	-->'''Shepard''': What's that you're drinking there?\
210	'''Inamorda''': Human blood! With cinnamon!
211	** And if you negotiate a higher payment out of him and then turn him down...
212	--->'''Inamorda''': Probably couldn't figure out how much more you'd make. ''[to himself]'' Stupid base-ten math. That's what they get for having extra ''fingers''.
213	* If you didn't get the codes to start the Neutron Purge, interracting with Mira the VI will net you the option to "Mumble something" which leads to Shepard mumbling "Sic Semper Tyran- ahem", [[labelnote:Explanation]]"Sic semper tyrannis", latin for "Thus always to tyrants." It was a phrase spoken by Brutus during Julius Caesar's assasination and John Wilkes Booth during his assassination of Abraham Lincoln.[[/labelnote]] in a shout out to ''[[Franchise/EvilDead Army of Darkness]]'''s "[[KlaatuBaradaNikto Klaatu...Barada...mumble]]" The VI will [[{{Beat}} take a slight pause]] before denying access.
214	** The party responses to Mira's explanation of how dangerous the neutron purge is are also good for a laugh. Wrex argues with it, claiming it would be like a walk in the sun for a krogan (whereas Mira claims that it's lethal to ''all'' lifeforms). If Liara and Ashley or Kaidan are with you, Liara tells Shepard the importance of reading the directions on any controls they use, prompting Ashley/Kaidan to [[DeadpanSnarker remark]] that it's always a good idea to [[ReadTheFreakingManual RTFM]], to Liara's confusion. If Tali is with you she will provide the immortal line:
215	--->'''Tali''': Don't press [[BigRedButton big red buttons]].
216	*** There is also the VI's response to Tali saying that they shouldn't press buttons.
217	--->'''Mira:''' That is a wise precaution for every terminal in this facility.
218	* The Renegade response to discovering the Mira VI is amusingly labeled: "Crap, it's a pop-up".
219	** And of course, it's in response to this: "It looks like you're trying to restore this facility. Would you like help?", referencing the [[UnwantedAssistance infamous]] Clippy from older versions of Microsoft Office.
220	* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2SKNbkH9tI following exchange]]:
221	-->'''Shepard:''' [[CorruptCorporateExecutive Anoleis]] is paying you to shake this place down. That makes you a criminal. ''I can kill criminals.''\
222	'''Guard:''' You're bluffing.\
223	'''Wrex:''' You're right. They're actually going to let me eat you.\
224	'''Guard:''' ...How about this? You pretend you didn't see us, we'll pretend we didn't see you.
225	* If you bring Liara with you on Noveria, enter the Hot Labs, and ask Mira where Benezia is:
226	-->'''Shepard''': Is there an asari in the hot labs?\
227	'''Mira''': [[ExactWords There is an asari I do not recognize standing next to you.]]\
228	'''Liara''': How humans tolerate such literal-minded [=VIs=] is beyond me...
229	* When the rachni start banging around but before they're actually revealed:
230	-->'''Kaidan:''' What was that?!\
231	'''Wrex:''' Probably debris. [[DeadpanSnarker Don't have a panic attack. I'll protect you]].
232	** Also occurs if you have Garrus and Wrex.
233	* Take Wrex with you.
234	-->His reaction to the announcement that a certain, revered Asari Matriarch passed through? "Saren's flunky? She's here?"\
235	Not to mention his reaction to Mira insisting that the neutron purge is 100% lethal? "I won't let some virtual wench insult my fitness!"
236	* You get this [[{{Squick}} icky]] statement from a random salaried complaining about Anoleis over the phone.
237	-->''I think he’s using this Qi’in fellow to draw flies from his own (egg) clutch [[note]] The implication is that Anoleis has rotting eggs attracting flies. And salarians are egg laying amphibians [[/note]].''
238	!Feros
239	* In the ruins:
240	-->'''Krogan Commander''': Damn it! Tell me what I want or I'll blast your virtual ass into actual dust!\
241	'''Virtual Intelligence''': Please contact your supervisor for a level four security exemption, or make an appointment with--\
242	'''Krogan Commander''': Stupid machine!\
243	'''VI''': If there is nothing else, please step aside. There is a queue forming behind you for the use of this console.\
244	''The krogan turns around to see [[TheHero Commander Shepard]] and company.''\
245	'''Krogan Commander''': Oh, good, I really need to kill somebody!
246	* After using Paragon to persuade Jeong into saving the colonists.
247	-->'''Shepard''': I just pretend I have my head up my ass and don't care about anything except money.\
248	'''Ashley:''' ''[to F!Shepard]'' Painful. I'll leave that to you.
249	** Kaidan's remark on that sequence to both Shepards:
250	--->'''Kaidan''': If I ever get a traffic ticket, I want you to be my advocate.
251	* Shepard seeing the Thorian for the first time.
252	-->'''Shepard''': [[GonnaNeedMoreX We are gonna need bigger guns]].
253	** Alternatively, Shepard's weary and frustrated renegade response:
254	--->'''Shepard''': Nothing's ever simple is it?
255	** All three of the possible responses are pretty funny; the Paragon reaction is a humorously understated, "This could be... problematic."
256	** Garrus's reaction is ''even better''.
257	--->'''Garrus''': This wasn't covered in my training manuals.
258	** Or Tali's:
259	--->'''Tali:''' Now we should just be able to... to... ''[[OhMyGods Keelah]]'', what is that?!?
260	** Or Liara's:
261	--->'''Liara:''' That is... disturbing.
262	* So you wanna get all those Paragon points for saving the Feros colonists, but you've run out of or are just too cheap to use your grenades? No problem! There's an alternative! It's called "rifle butting everyone in the face!" They'll thank you for it!
263	* Ash's comment on seeing the place:
264	-->'''Ash:''' This'd probably be a nice place to live, if it weren't for the geth. Scratch that, this isn't a nice place to live.
265	* Do a side-task for an Exo-Geni freelancer to recover his data from the building filled with geth, and Tali notices a pattern emerging:
266	--->'''Tali:''' ''[to Shepard]'' Why do people keep asking you to do something incredibly dangerous for them?
267	** If Kaidan is present, he'll [[LampshadeHanging hang a lampshade]] on the entire genre.
268	--->'''Kaidan:''' That's very comforting. Certain death for some, fine for us.
269
270	!Therum
271	* If you take Wrex on the mission to save Liara, when the cave-in starts and you go up the elevator to ThatOneBoss, Wrex utters the immortal words:
272	-->'''Wrex''': If I die in here, I'll kill him ''[Joker]''.
273	* Take too long to meet Liara (meaning that you go to every other plot-centric planet first before meeting her) and she'll think that she's hallucinating when she finally meets your party. This will go on for awhile until you actually rescue her, at which point she finally realizes that you are ''not'' figments of her imagination.
274	-->"Are you real? Oh, no, don't be stupid, Liara. Humans do not come here. You're hallucinating. And talking to yourself."
275	** Take the Renegade responses while rescuing her, and Liara will declare that Shepard's very ''rude'' for a figment of her imagination.
276	** And she will thereafter feel completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information everyone's throwing around and complain that [[AlreadyDoneForYou her life's work has been completed.]]
277
278	!Virmire
279	* Ashley's ''legendary'' snark moment before you pick a second team leader:
280	-->'''Ashley''': Commander, we'll need your help with setting up the nuke. I'll go with the salarians.\
281	'''Kaidan''': With all due respect, gunnery chief, it's not your place to decide.\
282	'''Ashley''': Why is it when someone says "WithAllDueRespect," they really mean "kiss my ass"?
283	** Made even better - or [[HarsherInHindsight tragic]] - when Shepard subsequently says "[[CallBack with all due respect]]" to the Council during the argument that leads to the Normandy's lockdown. On a much lighter note again; Shepard seems to take Ashley's interpretation of the phrase every other time they say it.
284	** Even funnier is because Liara says it as well when you first bring her on-board. Given how polite (and socially awkward) Liara is at this point, she might legitimately mean it, too.
285	* When confronting a scientist who helped Saren one of the possible options is this:
286	-->I'm gonna blow this place to hell and gone. If you wanna to make it out alive, you better start running.
287	** She protests, then sees that Shepard's clearly not listening and bolts, before your allies comment on their/Shepard's enjoyment of the scene.
288	* Encountering the one imprisoned (and obviously indoctrinated) salarian in the holding cells, then refusing to let him out leads to him going mad and shrieking "LET ME OUT!" at the top of his salarian lungs before running at the cell door...and slamming ineffectually into it.
289
290	!Pinnacle Station
291	* Admiral Ahern is ''hilarious''.
292	-->"Commander, your ability to weigh the pros and cons of standing in the way of gunfire seems to be improving."\
293	"You can add a broken record to the list of things you've ruined."\
294	"Don't just stand there lookin' pretty, ''kill something''!"\
295	"Sorry, Shepard, but there's no award for most times ''shot''."\
296	"Wow. Shepard, the only way your team could have made better use of their unique talents is if you had gone into battle with your eyes crossed."\
297	"Very good, Shepard. You've bested the window in combat. Try the enemies now."
298	* Tech Officer Ochren, who runs Pinnacle Station's simulator, has got his moments too.
299	-->'''Ochren:''' It's a combination of holographic images and kinetic barriers. Holographic images help you see the objects, and the kinetic barriers keep you from walking through them.\
300	'''Shepard:''' I assume the enemies are also holographic?\
301	'''Ochren:''' [[AskAStupidQuestion No--our operatives train]] [[SarcasmMode in a simulator by killing real,]] ''[[SarcasmMode actual]]'' [[SarcasmMode people.]]
302
303	!General
304	* [[ExoticEquipment Krogan Testicles]].
305	-->'''Garrus''': Some Krogan believe testicle transplants will increase their virility. Counteract the effects of the Genophage. It doesn't work but that doesn't stop them from buying. They'll pay up to 10,000 credits each. That's 40,000 for a full set ''[{{beat}}]'' Somebody's making a killing out there.
306	** The discussion that results in this revelation has Shepard incredulously asking who would want krogan testicles... [[ImStandingRightHere right across the room from Wrex]], who is presumably quite attached to his set.
307	** It gets referenced in the second game when Renegade Shepard, during Thane's loyalty mission, can threaten to cut Elias Kelham's balls off and sell them to a krogan.
308	** Naturally, we learn later that the krogan slang term for a CrazyIsCool stunt is "having a quad." You may hear this both in and out of game.
309	* When playing as an [[SquishyWizard Adept]], use the Lift power to fling a charging krogan into the air. It turns out that Creator/{{Bioware}} incorporated Newton's first law into the game, and the krogan will float up while still moving forward, drifting over Shepard's head while flailing uselessly. The kicker? The path of the krogan's drift can end up taking him over a railing.
310	** A similarly hilarious result can be obtained with a combination of Lift, a sniper rifle, exploding rounds and insanely good timing. The sight of a burning krogan [[ATwinkleInTheSky hurtling off toward the horizon]] makes it all worthwhile.
311	** Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son of a bitch in space, after all.
312	* Due to a combination of ArtificialStupidity and an odd lack of friction on all of the planets you visit, running enemies over with the Mako can be a lot of fun. Hitting people at just the right angle in the perfect areas can lead to situations where you watch your opponents slide up and off a mountain like a ramp, comically flying far off into the distance. In the areas where another object blocks their path, it can also be pretty humorous to watch enemies you've run over once (or even multiple times) [[TheDeterminator pick themselves right back up and carry on with shooting you without missing a beat]], [[OnlyAFleshWound as if they've only been bumped into by a small animal as opposed to a huge battle tank]].
313	** The same thing can happen with any enemies on Insanity difficulty with the Mako's cannon, especially if they have Immunity active. Watching a random Mook go flying after taking a cannon shell to the face, only to land a couple hundred feet away, get up, and start shooting ineffectually at you, and then send flying/tumbling ''again'', can get pretty fun pretty quickly.
314	* The description of the planet Prescyla.
315	-->"In the recent past, a pirate band from the Terminus Systems [[DefaceOfTheMoon carved a message into the surface using ship-based laser weapons]]. In hundred-meter-wide batarian syllabic, the message proclaims the military prowess and virility of one 'Captain Zaysh'. A smaller postscript alludes to the [[HumansAreBastards questionable parentage of all humans]]."
316	* Anderson's answer to the lockdown problem, if you suggest or allow him to hack into Udina's terminal.
317	-->'''Captain Anderson:''' Hopefully he won't be in his office. If he is... I'll think of something...\
318	''[later]''\
319	'''Ambassador Udina:''' Anderson? What are you doing here?\
320	'''Captain Anderson:''' ''[[[TalkToTheFist punches him out]]]''
321	* Appointing Captain Anderson as the human representative in the Council:
322	-->'''Ambassador Udina:''' ''Him?'' You must be joking. Anderson prefers his fists to do the talking.\
323	'''Captain Anderson:''' Only with you, Ambassador. Only with you.
324	** This is extra funny if you told Anderson to free the Normandy from Udina's office, where he does ''exactly that''.
325	** If you nominate Udina, he'll muse amiably that he'll feel better when his jaw stops aching. Anderson will basically say that Udina needed some sense knocked into him.
326	* The glee in XO Pressley's voice after you steal the Normandy.
327	--> "I know we'll all be court-martialed if this doesn't work out, but part of me loves this!"
328	* After disabling the first torch in ''Bring Down the Sky'', Simon Atwell mentions that one of the other torches is surrounded by a proximity minefield. Renegade Shepard's response?
329	-->'''Shepard:''' Could I requisition a cow to move ahead of me?
330	** Then there's the pirate radio station set up by two engineers at the top of the mountain.
331	** Simon Atwell's first action upon seeing you is ''shooting you in the chest''! Shepard however, immediately sees he's no threat, so they just watch the bullet bounce of the kinetic barriers with an amused look on their face.
332	* The Shifty Space Cow:
333	-->''I love the history of the Shifty Cow easter egg. When the character artists designed the space cow with two extra arms, Preston, our lead designer, was a little creeped out. His comment was "You can't trust any animal that can milk itself." Those extra little hands look so... grabby. So Preston came up with the idea of Shifty Cow. Turn your back on him, and those creepy little hands are going to go to work. Kiss those credits goodbye.''
334	* The dialogue and delivery by the drugged scientists during the ''UNC: Besieged Base'' side mission can be hilarious.
335	-->''Can you feel me growing!?'' '''I'm going to break it all!'''\
336	''They're in my head! All of them! With knives!''
337	* Take Garrus or Kaidan with you when you turn in the Asari Diplomacy Assignment.
338	-->'''Nassana:''' I am sorry I misled you. We have trust issues in our family.\
339	'''Garrus[=/=]Kaidan:''' [[CaptainObvious Obviously.]]
340	* One of the final scenes in the game, just before Shepard has to choose whether or not to save the Council and their squadmates debate saving them or not, has a [[GoodBadBug funny little glitch]] in which one squadmate fails to spawn, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ablRsfNXoJc leading to the remaining squadmate]] developing a split personality and arguing with ''themselves'' over saving the Council or not.

Context Funny / MassEffect1