Line #23 Funny/MalazanBookOfTheFallen


1	[[AC: Deadhouse Gates]]
2
3	* A prison rescue attempt between academics:
4	--> '''Felisin:''' Do you truly believe Duiker's still out there, sailing back and forth for - what, five days now?
5	--> '''Heboric:''' He's not published anything in years - what else would he have to do with all his time?
6	* Gesler, Stormy and Truth's encounter with their god's last priest goes less than well:
7	--> '''Felisin:''' He was excommunicated. More than that, he’s the bane of his own god. Of yours, I gather. Beware scorned priests. You’ll have to lead your own prayers to Fener, lads, and I’d advise you to pray. A lot.
8	* When Felisin asks Gesler when he had sex the last time, Stormy chimes in to happily recount the evening he dressed up as a Kanese harlot and seduced Gesler:
9	--> '''Stormy:''' I had him fooled for hours.
10
11	[[AC: Memories of Ice]]
12
13	* This particular description of Empress Laseen:
14	--> '''Lady Envy:''' Mind you, sir, you speak Daru yet you are from that repressed woman's empire - what was her name again?
15	* How to manage a rather odd party of travelling companions:
16	--> '''Lady Envy:''' [[{{Hellhound}} Garath]], cease sniffing the [[DemBones T'lan Imass]] and awaken the servants.
17	* Murillio and Coll do not trust Kruppe to be honest:
18	--> '''Silverfox:''' So where are your friends?
19	--> '''Kruppe:''' Gambling. With the crew of the Trygalle Trading Guild. Kruppe, for some odd reason, has been barred from such games. An outrage.
20
21
22	[[AC: House of Chains]]
23
24	* This piece of dialogue in ''Literature/HouseOfChains'', when Torvald and Karsa meet Keeper:
25	-->'''Keeper:''' Splitting one's head open with a single blow? With a wooden sword? In deep water? And what's that other one? Catfish big enough to swallow a man whole? Hah, a good one.\
26	'''Torvald:''' ''(stares at Keeper)'' Both true. As true as a flooded world and a ship with headless Tiste Andii at the oars!\
27	'''Keeper:''' Well, I believe all that, Torvald. But the shark and the catfish? Do you take me for a fool?
28
29	[[AC: Midnight Tides]]
30
31	* Every conversation between Tehol and Bugg.
32
33	[[AC: The Bonehunters]]
34
35	* Shadowthrone's reaction to one of Ganoes Paran's proposals:
36	--> Shadowthrone raised a long-fingered hand that filled most of the card. Closed it into a fist. "Let me see," the god's voice purred, "if I understand you." One finger snapped upward. "The Nameless Idiots go and release Dejim Nebrahl. Why? Because they're idiots. Their own lies caught up with them, so they needed to get rid of a servant who was doing what they wanted him to do in the first place, only doing it too well!" Shadowthrone's voice was steadily climbing in pitch and volume. A second finger shot into view. "Then you, the Master Idiot of the Deck of Dragons, decide to release the Deragoth, to get rid of Dejim Nebrahl. But wait, even better!" A third finger. "Some ''other'' serious nasty wandering Seven Cities just killed two Deragoth, and maybe that nasty is still close by, and would like a few more trophies to drag behind his damned horse!" His voice was now a shriek. "And now! Now!" The hand closed back into a fist, shaking about. "You want me to send the Hounds of Shadow to Seven Cities! Because it's finally occurred to that worm-ridden walnut you call a brain that the Deragoth won't bother with Dejim Nebrahl until they find my Hounds! And if they come looking here in my realm, there'll be no stopping them!" He halted suddenly, the fist motionless. Then various fingers sprang into view in an increasingly chaotic pattern. Shadowthrone snarled and the frenzied hand vanished. A whisper: "Pure genius. Why didn't I think of that?" The tone began rising once more. "Why? ''Because I'm not an idiot!!''"
37
38	[[AC: Reaper's Gale]]
39
40	* The kick-down-kiss-up secret policeman Tanal Yathvanar is caught between fear of his superior and fear of Lether's new Tiste Edur rulers:
41	--> '''Karos Invictad:''' Bruthen makes no comment, ever. He does not even ask what punishments follow our judgements. [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Furthermore, his rude impatience tires me.]] [[DisproportionateRetribution It may be worth our while to investigate him.]]
42	--> '''Tanal Yathvanar:''' [[BullyingADragon Investigate a Tiste Edur?]]
43	--> '''Karos Invictad:''' Quietly, of course. Granted, they ever give us the appearance of unquestioning loyalty, but I cannot help but wonder if they truly are immune to sedition among their own kind.
44	--> '''Tanal Yathvanar:''' Even if they aren’t, sir, respectfully, are the Patriotists the right organization—
45	--> '''Karos Invictad:''' The Patriotists, Tanal Yathvanar, possess the imperial charter to police the empire. In that charter no distinction is made between Edur and Letherii, only between the loyal and the disloyal.
46	--> '''Tanal Yathvanar:''' Yes, sir.
47	* In an exceedingly dark way, the Liberty Consign's absurd propaganda justification for its genocidal land-grabbing along the eastern borders of the Empire of Lether:
48	--> '''Atri-Preda Bivatt:''' The belief of the commmon folk, as promulgated through imperial agents, is that the Awl have allied themselves with the Ak'ryn to the south, as well as the D'rhasilani and the two kingdoms of Bolkando and Saphinand - in short, all the territories bordering the empire - creating a belligerent, warmongering and potentially overwhelming force - [[BlatantLies the Horde of the Bolkando Conspiracy]] - that threatens the entire eastern territories of the Lether Empire. It is only a matter of time before that horde is fully assembled, whereupon it will march.
49	* The rather unsuccessful opening act of the new police state in Lether:
50	--> One of the first victims in this new regime had been the Rat Catchers' Guild. Karos Invictad, the Invigilator of the Patriotists, had acted on his first day of officialdom, despatching fully a hundred agents to Scale House, the modest Guild headquarters, whereupon they effected arrests on scores of Rat Catchers, all of whom, it later turned out, were illusions - a detail unadvertised, of course, lest the dread Patriotists announce their arrival to cries of ridicule. Which would not do.
51	* The Errant's assessment of his fellow Elder God's life as Bugg:
52	--> Mael is being ... Mael.
53	* Hood's and Shadowthrone's mutual hate of advocates and what they, even as gods, can or cannot do about them:
54	--> '''Hood:''' You two are worse than advocates. And you don't want to know what I do with the souls of advocates.\
55	'''Menandore:''' Shadowthrone, what are advocates?\
56	'''Shadowthrone:''' A profession devoted to the subversion of laws for profit. When I was Emperor, I considered butchering them all.\
57	'''Menandore:''' So why didn't you?\
58	'''Shadowthrone:''' The Royal Advocate said it'd be a terrible mistake.
59	* In the middle of two Patriotists' fatal mistake of harassing [[PhysicalGod Mael]] on the streets of Letheras:
60	--> '''Patriotist:''' For that, bastard, you'll Drown.
61	--> '''Mael:''' Drown? Oh, that's priceless.
62	* As Karos Invictad begins to be frustrated with Tehol's puzzle:
63	--> '''Karos Invictad:''' Not a single arrangement of tiles will halt this confounded, brainless creature. I begin to believe this is a hoax.
64	--> '''Tanal Yathvanar:''' Were it me, sir, I would have crushed the whole contraption under heel long ago. Indeed it must be a hoax – the proof is that you have not defeated it yet.
65	--> '''Karos Invictad:''' I do not know which is the more disgusting, you acknowledging defeat by an insect, or your pathetic attempts at flattery.
66	** Just after that conversation, Invictad's snarl of frustration, audible through a closed door.
67	** And in a gallows humour kind of way, when he becomes defensive about the puzzle towards one of his political prisoners, while forcing her to confess to non-existent crimes.
68	* Tehol Beddict's reaction to news of Karsa Orlong:
69	--> A Tarthenal who's more Tarthenal than any Tarthenal has arrived in the city. What does he want?
70	* Onrack, Trull and Quick Ben's frustrating interactions with the rulers of Shadow.
71	--> '''Onrack:''' Cotillion would send us across this water, on a mission he will not explain, to achieve goals he refuses to define, in a place he cannot describe.
72	* Sergeant Hellian's liberation of Lether from tavern to tavern, on the basis of a considerably better understanding of the enemy than [[TheStrategist Tavore Paran's]]:
73	--> Gesler’s brows had risen at all that. 'So you've managed what the rest of us haven't – arriving as damned liberators in this town.'
74	--> Hellian snorted. 'We worked that out weeks back. Never mind the Lurrii soljers, since they're all perfessionals and so's they like things jus' fine so's they's the one y'gotta kill no diff 'rent from the Edur. No, y'go into the hamlets and villages and kill all the 'ficials—’
75	--> 'The what?' Gesler asked.
76	--> Urb said, 'Officials. We kill the officials, Gesler. And anybody with money, and the advocates, too.'
77	--> 'The what?'
78	--> 'Legal types. Oh, and the money-lenders and debtholders, and the recordkeepers and toll-counters. We kill them all—'
79	--> 'Along with the soljers,' Hellian added, nodding – and nodding, for some reason finding herself unable to stop. She kept nodding as she said, 'An' what happens then is simple. Looting, lotsa sex, then everybody skittles out, and we sleep in soft beds and drink an' eat in the tavern an' if the keepers hang round we pays for it all nice an' honest—'
80
81	[[AC: Toll the Hounds]]
82
83	* In the Dramatis Personae section, Barathol Mekhar is described as [[{{Understatement}} "a tourist"]]
84	** And Lady Envy as [[{{Shoutout}} "a bystander"]].
85	** Also, Mogora is described as 'Iskaral's occasional wife'.
86	* And during the finale the duel between Iskaral Pust and Kruppe:
87	--> And here then, at last, arrives the shining, blazing, astonishing nexus, the penultimate pinnacle of this profound night, as bold Kruppe nudges his ferocious warmule into the path of one Iskaral Pust, mule, and sundry spiders and bhokarala.\
88	Mule sees mule. Both halt with a bare fifteen paces between them, ears at bristling attention.\
89	Rider sees rider. Magus grows dangerously still, eyes hooded. Kruppe waves one plump hand in greeting.\
90	Bhokarala launch a mid-air conference that results in one beast landing awkwardly on the cobbles to the left of the High Priest, whilst the others find window sills, projections, and the heads of handsome gargoyles on which to perch, chests heaving and tongues lolling.\
91	The spiders run away.\
92	Thus, the tableau is set.
93
94	[[AC: Dust of Dreams]]
95
96	* The gradually escalating series of pranks and get-backs between [[TheDreaded Captain Kindly]] and his atache (for a time) [[TheStarscream Lieutanant]] ([[spoiler: later Master-Sergeant]]) [[TheStarscream Pores]] are a source of endless entertainment for the reader as the series goes on. They are always presented as an aside to whatever drama is taking place in the main plot and serve as a way to remind the reader that that despite the Bonehunters being in whatever horrible situation, it is still an army with thousands of real people who have to do ''something'' with their time.
97
98	[[AC: The Crippled God]]
99
100	* Shadowthrone's rant in ''The Crippled God'':
101	-->'''Shadowthrone:''' Are you done with your moment of doubt? Good. It ill-suited you. Listen, she's a woman, and that alone makes her the most terrifying force in all the realms.\
102	'''Cotillion:''' Yes, I am well aware of your longstanding fear of the swaying sex.\
103	'''Shadowthrone:''' I blame my mother.\
104	'''Cotillion:''' Convenient.\
105	'''Shadowthrone:''' I don't know which of us dreads more our visits–-\
106	'''Cotillion:''' She’s still alive? Don't be ridiculous, Ammanas.\
107	'''Shadowthrone:''' Listen, I wasn't always this old, you know. In any case, every time we end up in the same room I can see the disappointment in her eyes, and hear it in her voice. "''Emperor? Oh, that empire. So now you're a god? Oh dear, not Shadow? Isn't it broken? Why did you have to pick a broken realm to rule? When your father was your age-–''" Aagh, and on and on it goes! I've been on the run since I was nine years old, and is it any wonder?
108	* Lieutenant Master-Sergeant Pores summons his new scribe to dictate a message for Captain (now Fist) Kindly. The messenger is a Heavy (not known for their brains) and lost his dominant writing hand in the battle with the Nah'Rukh days ago. After Pores dictates a page-long letter of butt-kissing mixed with insults, the Heavy summarises the entire thing as "Kindly to Pores: Meet in secret when?" before running off with the wax slate.
109	** The messenger reappears at the end of the chapter, interrupting a meeting with Kindly and the other Fists to deliver the message- but the wax has melted from the heat. ''He recites the entire rant from memory.''
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Context Funny / MalazanBookOfTheFallen