Line #8 Funny/LockStockAndTwoSmokingBarrels


1	* "Can everyone stop getting shot?!"
2	* "Get the foocking guns!" "Why do ''I'' have to get the foocking guns? YOU get the foocking guns!"
3	* The Traffic Warden Scenes, all of them.
4	* The cockney-narrated anecdote about Rory Breaker is amusing by itself, but the [[FunWithSubtitles subtitles]] really make it hilarious.
5	-->'''Geezer:''' Now FUCK OFF and watch it somewhere else!\
6	'''Subtitles:''' "[[TactfulTranslation Please remove yourself from this bar.]]"
7	** The funniest part? The football game that Rory ''set someone on fire'' to watch the end of had a final score of 4-0 for his team, meaning [[ForegoneConclusion there was no possible way they could have lost]].
8	** No, the funniest part is listening to a hardened, manly British gangster say to his equally hardened, manly friend, with [[SeriousBusiness an utterly straight face]], the words "[[InherentlyFunnyWords Ping-pong tiddly]]".
9	* Gloria, who's spent her time being stoned on the couch, wakes up, grabs the {{BFG}} lying on the ground and starts shooting everything.
10	* Tom's initial plan to come up with the money by scamming people...using fake dildo advertisements.
11	-->'''Tom''': Listen to this one then, this is brilliant - you open a company the Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club.
12	-->'''Soap''': [[FlatWhat You what?]]
13	-->'''Tom''': You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er...I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five quid a pop, a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send their cheques to the other company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five. You stick it in the bank until it clears. This is the smart bit. You send ''back'' the cheque for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club, saying we're sorry, we couldn't get supplies from America - they ran out of stock. You see how many people cash that cheque. Not a single soul. Who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he's not paying in cheques?
14	-->'''Bacon''': ''(considers this)'' So how long do you have to wait for a return?
15	-->'''Tom''': Probably no more than four weeks.
16	-->'''Bacon''': A month? So what fucking good is it if we need it in six...no, five days?
17	-->'''Tom''':...Well, it's still a good idea.
18	* Big Chris [[JackBauerInterrogationTechnique interrogating a guy]] in a tanning bed.
19	** And then [[DopeSlap dope slapping]] him for swearing in front of his son. And that includes blasphemy as well.
20	* The rest of the gang's reaction to Soap's speech on [[PsychoKnifeNut knife use]]
21	-->'''Tom''': Soap, is there something about you we should know?
22	-->'''Bacon''': I don't know what's more disturbing - the job or your past.
23	** Before that, there's his reaction to the guns that Tom brought.
24	-->'''Soap''': I feel safer with a chicken drumstick. These look like they're gonna do more harm than good.
25	* During the shoot-out that wipes out both Rory's and Dog's gangs, Dog who is standing outside opens the door...and gets sprayed with blood, leading him to close it back.
26	* On each of Nick The Greek's visits to Rory, the latter's henchman Lenny gets Nick a drink. On the first visit, Nick drops his drink on a glass table, shattering the glass and dumping it on the floor. On the second visit, Nick tries to place his drink on the table, but the glass hasn't been replaced yet, so it falls on the floor. On the third visit Lenny starts to give Nick the drink, before backing off when realising that Rory is unleashing the mother of bollockings on Nick.
27	--> '''Rory:''' Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get? Because I'm not fucking laughing, Nicholas!
28	** Even better - the glass falling through the table wasn't in the script, it was an accident that was deemed funny enough to leave in.
29	* Eddie insisting on making a kettle of tea in Dog's hideout while they are waiting to rob the gang, claiming the British Empire never went to war without a cup of tea. He is then asked with what they plan to go to war with as Eddie forgot the guns, making him run to get them in embarrassment.
30	** This was another scene that wasn't planned - someone actually forgot to bring the gun props to the set, so the scene was re-written.
31	* The guys are waiting for the neighbours to return.
32	-->'''Soap''': Where are we gonna hide?
33	-->'''Bacon''':...Don't complicate things, just hide.
34	** Soap plays with his knife and cuts himself in the process.
35	* Everything involving the traffic warden.
36	** Paul simply punching him out and dumping him in the back of the van.
37	-->'''Dog''': What's this?
38	-->'''Paul''': Traffic warden.
39	-->'''Dog''': Yes, I can see it's a traffic warden, what's he doing in the back of the van?
40	-->'''Paul''': He was gonna call the cozzers.
41	-->''(Plank punches him out)''
42	-->'''Dog''': Fair enough.
43	** When the lads find him in the van, they try to knock him out and dump him at the traffic lights. The fact that ''Creator/JasonStatham'' of all people has trouble knocking a man out is hilarious.
44	-->'''Tom''': Don't touch him up, knock him out.
45	-->'''Bacon''': I'll knock ''you'' out in a minute. You wanna knock him out, you knock him out.
46	-->'''Ed''':...I fucking hate traffic wardens.
47	-->''(Ed and Tom join Bacon in kicking the crap out of the traffic warden)''
48	* The morning after their successful heist, the boys are driving back home, cracking jokes about each other - we don't hear the punchlines as the scenes are intercut with the hell that's about to be unleashed at their digs, but in some bonus material on the DVD the dwarf & hooker gag is told in full. And it's brilliant.
49	** Just before that, when the four are recovering from the BingeMontage and discussing the planned sale of the stolen weed:
50	--->'''[[LovableRogue Tom]]''': [Rory] can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble 'cause he knows we'll be a pain in the arse, and who needs a pain in the arse?\
51	'''[[AngryChef Soap]]''': [[EveryManHasHisPrice I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.]]\
52	'''Tom''': You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.\
53	'''Soap''': Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get. ''(Tom grins)''\
54	'''Eddie''': [[LikeAnOldMarriedCouple Will you two stop flirting for a minute]]?
55	* After being cleared of charges, Bacon, Soap and Ed sit down in the pub to talk with Tom about the guns to see if he’s disposed of them……only to find out that they’re still in his car as he tried to sell them back to Nick the Greek (who’s closed up shop and skipped town). What follows is priceless:
56	-->'''Ed''': So, the only thing connecting us with the case IS IN THE BACK OF YOUR CAR WHICH IS PARKED OUTSIDE?
57	-->'''Tom''': They cost us 700 quid. I’m not gonna throw them away. And they’re hardly likely gonna trace it back to us, aren’t they?
58	-->'''Soap''': Do you think it’s really worth taking the risk for 700 pounds?
59	-->'''Ed''': Tom! You’re a dick! Now you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge!
60	-->'''Bacon''': And throw yourself off while you’re at it.
61	* An out-take featuring Lennie [=McLean=] as Barry the Baptist delivering a threatening ultimatum to the two Scousers before then undermining his scary image with a simple request:
62	--> '''Lennie(as Barry)''': [[ImpliedDeathThreat If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got, or sharing a bed with the Antichrist, then I want those guns QUICK!]] (as himself, more relaxed) [[ArsonMurderAndJayWalking And get us an ice cream while you're at it.]]
63	* Bacon's confused reaction to his cocktail:
64	-->'''Bacon''': What's that?
65	-->'''Barman''': It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
66	-->'''Bacon''': No. I said, "Could you bring me a refreshing drink?" I wasn't expecting a fuckin' rainforest. You could fall in love with an orangutan in there.
67	-->'''Barman''': Look, if you want a pint, go to the pub.
68	-->'''Bacon''':...I thought this was a pub?
69	-->'''Barman''': It's a ''Samoan'' pub.
70	* In the Director's Cut, Don, one of the card players, keeps saying "fold". Ed asks if that was the only word he learned at school. Don replies that he also learned the word "cunt".

Context Funny / LockStockAndTwoSmokingBarrels