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1!!Comedy Central Presents special:
2* "You ever have someone not ask for directions, but ''demand'' them? You're just walking down the street, you hear a horn, some guy's just like, "HOLLAND TUNNEL!" Like you were supposed to fax this guy directions? Suddenly, you're wasting his time!"
3* Jim's proud of himself for reading a book:
4--> '''Jim''': "Hey how are you-" "I READ A BOOK!!! 250 PAGES!!!" "What was it about?" "NO IDEA!!! TOOK ME TWO YEARS!!!"
5* Jim asks if anyone's a gym teacher in the audience, then makes a joke about them ("I want to teach, but I don't want to read. How about kickball for forty years?"), and soon after asks if anyone's Pope in the audience.
6* He mentioned his family had six kids, "Catholic".
7--> '''Jim''': "Six kids, Catholic". Like if she didn't add that "Catholic" on the end, people would think, "Wow, his mom really likes sex."
8* Jim's father was a pastor, and frequently asked Jim to do the reading in church. Jim's response? "Christ!"
9** Then when he stumbles through a Bible reading:
10---> '''Jim''': Somebody kill me! I'd rather go to Hell than read up here!
11* Talking about being the youngest child, and how everyone says "YOU'RE THE BABY, YOU'RE SPOILED!"
12--> '''Jim''': The fact is, if you're the youngest, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are INSANE. ''(as himself)'' "I'm going out tonight." ''(as parent)'' "You're not going out, you'll wind up pregnant like your sister!"
13
14!!Beyond the Pale:
15* Discussing waiters:
16--> '''Jim''': We should be nicer to the waitstaff. It's an odd relationship we have with the waiter. Occasionally, the waiter will tell you their name, we never give ours. "Hey, how ya doin'? I'm your waiter, my name's Phil." "...Yeah, I'll have the chicken. Why don't you beat it?" You never really use the name: "Yeah, I'm outta water. '''PHIL!!!''' Phil! Philly!" I do feel uncomfortable when the waiter's doing the specials. That's kind of a "semi-conversation". They're always like, "Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled", I'm always like, "Uh... am I supposed to say something? Uh, PASS!!!"
17* When discussing Catholicism:
18--> '''Jim''': "Only eat fish on Friday!... unless you forget!.... aw, do whatever the hell you want."
19* His annoyance when people want to share dessert at restaurants:
20--> '''Jim''': "Hey, you wanna share dessert? Let's share dessert!" "Why don't you get your ''own'' damn dessert?"
21* The origin of Easter tradition. "How about eggs?" "Well what does that have to do with Jesus?" "All right, we'll hide 'em."
22* Talking about his unhealthy lifestyle:
23--> '''Jim''': I eat late at night-- you're not supposed to eat late at night. Then again you're not supposed to drink booze in the morning. [''Condescendingly''] [[BreadEggsMilkSquick And apparently you're never supposed to smoke crack.]] ''Whatever'', I'm not training for the Olympics. Sometimes after an entire hour of work I wanna unwind with a burger and a crack pipe. If I do that every night, does that make me some "crackhead"?
24--> '''Hypothetical Audience Member''': [[RhetoricalQuestionBlunder This guy's a crackhead.]] That's why he's so pale. [[SelfDeprecation He's the fattest crackhead I've ever seen.]]
25* His bit about receiving presents, especially a flask:
26--> '''Jim''': I think giving someone a flask is a nice way of saying, "Hey, you seem like a drunk on the go! You strike me as needing hard liquor at all times. It'd be good for you in your car."
27** And candles:
28---> '''Jim''': Thanks. You know I have electricity, right? Hey, if my place smells, just let me know. No, this is great, now I know what I'm getting ''you'' next Christmas: This.
29** About getting unwanted gifts:
30--> '''Jim''': ''(as gift giver)'' "You can return it if you want." ''(as himself)'' "That's all right, I'll just throw it out. Don't give me an errand."
31* His bit about fish:
32--> '''Jim''': How can you tell when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way. "Well, this smells like a dumpster. Let's eat it!"
33* "If you're eating steak, something special's happening. If you're eating bologna, you might be special."
34* Speaking of going to church:
35--> '''Jim''': ''(to pastor)'' Let's wrap it up; I got some sinnin' to do!
36* Hot Pockets!
37--> '''Jim''': ''(reading off a box of Hot Pockets)'' '''WARNING:''' You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer. You hillbilly, enjoy the next NASCAR event.\
38'''Hypothetical Audience Member''': I ''like'' NASCAR. He's a jerk.
39* On ImGoingToHellForThis :
40--> '''Jim''': Being Catholic's all about memorization. I have a horrible memory. I'm always like, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, without the written, approved consent of Major League Baseball..." I love doing that joke, because there's always one face in the audience, "You're going to HELL." Those are the people I wanna bump into in Heaven, be like, "Hey! Remember me?" "Y-Y-''you're'' here?!" "Yeah, Peter loves my stuff."
41
42!!King Baby:
43* His bit about Boston beans:
44--> '''Jim''': (in Boston accent) "Yeah, beans are ''awesome''! They're wicked awesome! The Yankees suck and Dunkin' Donuts raaahhhhhhhcks! Dunkin' Donuts! Dunkin' Donuts!" Some people like Dunkin' Donuts a little too much: "Dunkin' Donuts awesome!" Uh, I think they're just making donuts, not curing lupus.
45* "I bet if you put bits of bacon on a strip of bacon, you could travel back in time. It's like a tasty vortex. Be kind of redundant for me, 'cause I would just travel back to when I was eating bacon. It would be a bacon-to-bacon time-space continuum."
46** [[SelfDeprecation "That's a nerdy-ass bacon joke."]]
47* On exercise:
48--> '''Jim''': "It's only twenty minutes a day. Just twenty minutes a day." [[NoJustNoReaction Yeah, that's too many.]]
49* When discussing all the pillows on his bed:
50--> '''Jim''': (as audience member) "Pillow jokes, really? Is that what he's doing? I didn't know it was going to be so edgy. I didn't come here to be shocked into laughter."
51* Talking about recycling, and how you're supposed to clean the recyclables before you throw them out. Jim says, "Maybe I should clean ''myself'' before I start washing the garbage."
52* On people who don't wear deodorant:
53--> '''Jim''': ''(as other person)'' "You don't NEED deodorant." ''(as himself)'' "No, but YOU do." ''(as other person)'' "It's unnatural!" ''(as himself)'' "Yeah, so is crapping indoors."
54* His bit about the Apostles:
55--> '''Jim''': How'd they come up with that name? Do you think one of the apostles was like, ''(Joisey accent)'' "Hey Jesus, me and the guys were talkin'..." ''(normal voice)'' [[LampshadeHanging I don't know why he sounds like... maybe he's the apostle from Brooklyn.]]
56
57!!Mr. Universe:
58* He waited in line for an hour and a quarter to go on the Dumbo ride at Disneyland:
59--> '''Jim''': After a minute, I was like, "''I'm'' the Dumbo! I'm waiting to see ''myself''! At the end of the line, there's just gonna be a mirror and some guy going, "DUMBO!"
60* Discussing bodybuilders:
61--> '''Jim''': When I say "bodybuilder", I'm not talking about somebody who's muscular. I'm talking about the guys that have gotten so big, people are afraid to tell 'em it looks weird. "What do you think of that?" ''(quickly)'' "It's great, it's perfectly normal." "I'm not too muscular?" "No no, what do you want? Money? Please don't kill me."
62* [=McDonalds=]:
63** People don't admit they eat there:
64---> '''Jim''': They sell six billion hamburgers a day, there's only 300 million people in this country. It's like, "Hmm, I'm not a calculus teacher... but I think everyone's lying."
65** The loose bag fry:
66---> '''Jim''': Sometimes, there's a loose fry in the bag. You know, the bonus fry. It's like Jesus is up in Heaven: ''(deep, reverent voice)'' "Give 'em an extra fry. He'll pay it forward." By the way, that's how Jesus sounds. Or at least I hope. You wouldn't wanna meet Jesus and He's like, ''(thick Southern accent)'' "HEY Y'ALL, HOW YA DOIN'?! YOU BEEN TURNIN' THAT OTHER CHEEK? I GAVE YOU THAT BONUS FRY FOR A REASON!"
67** People brag about not eating there:
68---> '''Jim''': "I would ''never'' go to [=McDonalds=]." Well, [=McDonalds=] wouldn't want you, 'cause you're a [[PrecisionFStrike dick]].
69** Even if you don't actually go to [=McDonald's=], you might have your own version of it, like reading the tabloids, watching ''Series/{{Glee}}'', or getting an EmbarrassingTattoo...
70---> '''Jim:''': "It might take me a while to digest my quarter-pounder with cheese, but that tramp stamp...is forever. (sings the [=McDonald's=] jingle) Doo-do-do-do-doo... (whispers) Mistake!"
71** And if you're reading the tabloids and you care who [[UsefulNotes/TheBritishRoyalFamily Prince William is married to]], you probably should be at [[{{Pun}} Burger King]] instead.
72* His bit about Subway. Especially the moment when the employee practically drowns Jim's sub in mayo.
73** Talking about Jared:
74---> '''Jim''': But Jared, he's hung in there, you know? He's kept the weight off. He's been their spokesman for so long, there are kids who didn't even know about the fat Jared. My 10-year old nephew thought he was the ''owner'' of Subway. I was like, "No, he was a big fat guy who ate all these hoagies and now he's thin." Even my nephew was like, "Well, that's [[PrecisionFStrike bullshit]]."
75** Capped off with a bit about meatball subs:
76---> '''Jim''': 'Well, I could go jogging, or I could go to Subway and have a meatball sub.' What level of delusion are we in, where we view a meatball sub as a healthy alternative to a hamburger? It's like, how do you make a meatball sub? You roll five hamburgers into balls, cover them in cheese, and put them on a bun that holds five hamburgers. Eat Fresh!
77* His bit about hotel pools:
78** "It's the first time a kid realizes he can multi-task: "I can play AND pee!!! This is amazing!"
79** Being uncomfortable around the couple that makes out in the pool, continuing this RunningGag:
80--> [[MultiWaySex What room are you staying in?]]
81
82!!Obsessed:
83* His bit about weddings:
84--> '''Jim''': "Jim, you have a nine-year-old daughter. ''[referring to eating an entire ice cream pint by himself]'' Don't you want to be at her wedding?" "Not really, no. Wait, is there gonna be ice cream at her wedding? Because if you ''promise''-! [[VerbalBackspace I still don't want to go.]]" How would attending a wedding, why would that be an incentive? It's like, "Don't you die! In 18 years, there's an awkward party you have to pay for! And we need you to write a check." No, I understand weddings are an important event where we spend a lot of money so that the bride can pretend to be a princess! And marry her prince and live happily ever after because magic exists. And we're a bunch of weirdos. Weddings ''are'' kind of weird. I mean, what's the logic? It's like, "Well, we love each other. Why don't we pretend we have a kingdom? We'll invite your parents' friends and my parents' friends, and we'll have a banquet. And the two kingdoms shall come together as one. And we can start our married life with a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation."
85* His bit about the popularity of seafood restaurants:
86--> '''Jim''': Hey, I like butter too, okay? "How can I eat three sticks of butter? Oh, I found this giant swimming sea scorpion."
87
88!!CINCO:
89* Grumbling about the Metric system:
90--> '''Jim''': It's not like I wasn't exposed to it; when I was growing up, they were like "Learn the Metric system, everyone will learn the Metric system, big switch comin' up!" Then ten years later, they were like, "Ha! Nevermind! It's too hard, it's based on tens!"
91* On ''Willy Wonka'':
92--> '''Jim''': You have to understand: My role models were the grandparents in that movie, ''Charlie and the Chocolate Factory''. I remember watching that movie as a kid and seeing the scene with the grandparents in bed and thinking, "I like these people." I like what they're all about! They were in bed ''full time''! "What if we did this 'til we died?" They weren't even watching television, they were looking at the other grandparents! "How's your bed?" "It's good, it's the same as your bed." They were so into bed- they lived in poverty- their grandson got a golden ticket, where he could win an entire chocolate factory, and only one of the grandparents got out of bed. The other three were like, "Eh, good luck, Charlie. You win the factory, make me a chocolate bed. Ehhhhh."
93* On going to steak houses:
94--> '''Jim''': I love goin' to a steak house, one of those old fashioned steak houses, you go in there, it's dimly lit, the waiters are no-nonsense: ''(in really gruff voice)'' "You're gettin' a steak, son! You want a steak, right?" "Yes, ma'am, I want a steak."
95
96!!Noble Ape:
97* On North Korea:
98--> '''Jim''': How much attention does the country of North Korea need at this point? Every two days, North Korea is like, "WE'RE GONNA BLOW UP DA WOOOOOOOORRRRRLLLLDDDD!!!" Isn't there part of you that's like, "Then just DO it. Get it over with, you spaz."
99* He briefly mentioned the 2016 election:
100--> '''Jim''': Look, I didn't vote for Trump, but I walked around New York City, and everyone, the week after the election, looked at me like, "YOU did it. YOU did it!" And I was like, "I didn't do it!" But after a couple days, I was like, "DID I do it??"
101
102!!Quality Time:
103* Jim noted that people used to tell him after shows that he's not that fat, but now, after a show, they merely say: "Good show. You nailed it."
104* Jim discussed having his appendix removed, and is glad it wasn't just gas, because then he could never look his family in the face again.
105--> '''Jim''': Hey kids, daddy's back, had some gas. Took a helicopter ride. None of you wanted to go to college, did ya? It's a little out of our price range now. We don't know what caused the gas. It might've been daddy's three breakfast burritos.
106* Jim gets done telling a story about how a bear charged him, and then: "And that's a true story. Well, most of it's true. Well, it's all true except there was no bear. And... no, there was a bear."
107* [[RunningGag Tells a bunch of horse jokes]] and then moves onto another subject: Ponies.
108* Jim took his kids to the Anne Frank house. His six year old asks if they have video games here. Jim's response: "I'm gonna need you to be quiet, for the rest of your life."
109
110!!Comedy Monster:
111* He jokes about the pandemic- one of the people most susceptible to complications were people with "comorbidities". He translates that to "All the fat-asses are gonna die". Then he asks, "...''How'' fat? Are we talkin' Wal-Mart fat, or Jim Gaffigan fat?"
112* Talking about kids distance learning: "And my kids were good, they totally kept a distance from learning."
113* Talking about vacationing in Hawaii:
114--> '''Jim''': Cause I stuck out in Hawaii. I didn't even look like a tourist. I look like someone they brought in to make the tourists feel more comfortable.
115* Talking about being stuck behind a parade: "I hate humans."
116* Talking about [[UsefulNotes/TheProtestantReformation Martin Luther]]: "He had those 95 problems, [[Music/JayZ but a bitch ain't one."]]
117* Talking about billionaires flying rockets into space, whose reasoning is that they go to outer space so that ''you'' can go to outer space. Jim: "...I don't want to go to outer space. I wanna go to Italy, why don't you work on that?"
118* His extended bit about bikers, saying they look angry: "And I think it's 'cause they're cold. Right? That vest with no shirt? That’s gotta be chilly."

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