Line #1 Funny/Hogfather


1	* The sequence where the real (or rather, less false) Hogfather takes over the "Mall Santa" equivalent is outstanding.
2	-->'''Death:''' [[AC:It's the expression on their little faces I like.]]\
3	'''Albert:''' You mean the sort of fear and awe and not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants?
4	** It's sad that Death is trying so hard, and yet failing in the role so utterly:
5	--->'''Death:''' [[AC:I will give you a gift. And in return you will be good. This is the arrangement.]]
6	** Death having trouble with the fake beard and looking too thin on account of being a skeleton in a suit with a pillow stuffed down his shirt. It doesn't even make him look fat, just normal-ish.
7	** Albert has to remind him that the appropriate opening line after [[AC:Ho Ho Ho]] is ''not'' [[AC:Cower, brief mortals!]]
8	** The store owner talking to the Watch:
9	--->"I want you to arrest him!"\
10	"Who, sir?"\
11	"The Hogfather!"\
12	"Why?"\
13	"Because he's sitting up there bold as brass in his Grotto, giving away presents!"\
14	"Not quite up to speed here, sir. I thought the Hogfather is s’posed to give away stuff, isn’t he?"\
15	"This one's an impostor! I meant…he’s not the Hogfather we usually have. He just barged in here!"\
16	"Oh, a different impostor? Not the real impostor at all?"\
17	"Well…yes…no…"\
18	"And started giving stuff away?"\
19	"That’s what I said! That’s got to be a crime, hasn’t it?"\
20	"He’s giving away your stuff, sir?"\
21	"No! No, he brought it in with him!"
22
23	** And ''Nobby'' asks him for a present, acting just like any little kid intimidated by being in Santa's lap.
24	--->[[AC:Have you been a good bo... a good dwa... a good gno... a good individual?]]
25	*** Followed by Nobby's unadultered glee at the AutomaticCrossbow he got.
26	** Death giving a sword to a little girl.
27	--->'''Mother''': You can't give her that! It's not safe!\
28	'''Death''': [[AC:It's a sword. It's not meant to be safe.]]\
29	'''Crumley''': She's a child!\
30	'''Death''': [[AC:It's educational.]]\
31	'''Crumley''': What if she cuts herself?\
32	'''Death''': [[AC:That will be an important lesson.]]
33	* Ridcully experimenting with "Bloody Stupid" Johnson's bathroom. Especially his discovery of the "Old Faithful" lever...
34	** "Ye gods, I've never felt so ''clean!''"
35	** We may never know [[NoodleIncident what happened when the Librarian played the organ while Ridcully was in the shower]], but damn if the ''concept'' isn't fun.
36	* Death's attempts to make the pigs fly falling completely flat
37	** Made funnier when Albert figures out the correct [[MundaneMadeAwesome "incantation"]].
38	-->'''Death''': [[AC:Really? You think that would work?]]
39	-->'''Albert''': It'd bloody well work on me if I was a pig, master.
40	-->'''Death''': [[AC: Very well then. APPLE! SAUCE!]]
41	* The restaurant staff making a complete menu based on boots, laces and mud by describing the dishes in [[FrenchCuisineIsHaughty Quirmian.]]
42	** One chef draws the line at "Café de la térre" that's just mud and hot water.
43	-->'''Chef''': Surely they'll spot that!
44	-->'''Manager''': They haven't yet.
45	** At the end of the book, the Canting Crew receive some of the restaurant's food as a BegoneBribe. They find the taste oddly familiar.
46	* Bilius, the Oh God of hangovers. Not the god, the ''oh god''. Because what does a person say when under his influence...?
47	** And then there's the ultimate hangover cure. That sequence is hilarious, particularly when Ridcully adds the Wow-Wow Sauce.
48	* Hex ceasing to work unless he is FTB-enabled. Which is to say it throws a tantrum when its Fluffy Teddy Bear is taken away.
49	** And of course, where the teddy bear came from. After Death instructs Hex to believe in the Hogfather, Hex begins to write, +++ Dear Hogfather, For Hogswatch I Want-
50	-->[[AC:Oh, no. ''You'' can't write lett-]] ''(Death paused)'' [[AC:You can, can't you.]]
51	** Of course, Death doesn't exactly know what ''exactly'' Hex is asking for, so he settles on a compromise. How old is Hex, really...?
52	** And Hex vs. Ridcully. Ridcully threatens Hex with a hammer, while Ponder is astonished and somewhat worried that Hex seems to understand the concept.
53	* Death keeping count of how many pies and sherries Albert has had to eat and drink in a single night
54	-->'''Death''': ''(tallying the sherries so far)'' [[AC:One million, eight hundred thousand, seven hundred and six. And sixty eight thousand, three hundred and nineteen pork pies. And one turnip.]]
55	-->'''Albert''': It looked pork pie shaped. Everything does after a while...
56	* Death's attempt at a Hogswatch card. (He tried to add some snow, but it melted. He tried to put a robin on it, but it flew away. It would not get into the Hogswatch spirit at all.)
57	* Mr Teatime tries to be reassuring:
58	-->A violent death is the ''last'' thing that will happen to you.
59	* The footnote to the origin stories of the Hogfather. On passing by a house, or so he says, a king is moved by the plight of some girls, who are unable to celebrate Hogswatch. He throws a packet of sausages through the window... concussing one of them, but there is no point in ruining a good legend.
60	* Ridcully's line after the Bursar talking with Hex cures the Bursar of his insanity, but drives ''Hex'' mad in turn:
61	--> '''Ridcully:''' Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence any day. ''(to Hex)'' FEELING ALRIGHT, OLD CHAP?\
62	'''Hex:''' +++ Hi Mum Is Testing +++ MELON MELON MELON +++ Out Of Cheese Error +++ !!!!! +++ Mr. Jelly! Mr. Jelly! +++
63	** He then cures Hex of its Bursar-grade madness by entering the following data: "Lots of Dried Frorg Pills".
64	* When the wizards realize that they've been calling new anthropomorphic personifications into existence, the Bursar wonders what happens to the socks that go missing. There's a tell-tale jingling of bells...
65	-->'''Ridcully:''' ''(pointing dramatically upwards)'' To the laundry!
66	-->'''Dean:''' The laundry's downstairs, Ridcully.
67	-->'''Ridcully:''' ''Down'' to the laundry!
68	** This is possibly a callback to The Light Fantastic in which the Wizards follow a reality altering spell up through the various floors of the University, each time shouting "Quick! To the (insert floor above name here)."
69	** Then there's his stern instruction to the other wizards shortly afterwards: "No-one is to look like a sock, understood?"
70	* Death getting stuck in the iron stove. It's especially funny in the live-action adaptation thanks to Death's deadpan voice.
71	-->'''Death''':[[AC: This is really, really stupid.]]
72	** Which is followed by an argument between Death and Albert about how much to give a poor child, and containing perhaps the greatest LiteralMinded joke ever:
73	-->'''Death''':[[AC: Please enlighten me. What is so important about having a pot to piss in?]]
74	* In a footnote, the story of the Quirmian philosopher Ventre, who made up the Discworld equivalent of Pascal's Wager:
75	-->'Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they do not. So why not believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing, right?' When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking sticks, and one of them said, 'We're going to show you what we think of Mr Clever Dick in these parts...'
76	* Death disguising himself as a snowman when he arrives to deal with the Auditors.
77	* Throughout the book, whenever a new personification is created, there's this tell-tale jingling of bells that Ridcully takes notice of, and wonders who's causing it. Near the end of the book, he finds a little imp holding some bells ("The Glingle-Glingle-Glingle Fairy"). In frustration, Ridcully chases it out of the bathroom, clearly fed up with the whole affair.
78	* The Death of Rats, as ever, has his moments, e.g. falling into a glass of sherry left out for the Hogfather, or ''metaphorically'' piddling on one of the turnips left out for the pigs (because while some behaviors are expected of the personification of the death of small rodents, some behaviors aren't technically possible for a small skeleton in a black robe).
79	* Looking at the stockings of Susan's charges, Death notes there's a small item that makes noise in there, despite Susan being certain there isn't.
80	-->'''Death:''' [[AC:What else is 4.30 am ''for''?]]
81	* The Wizards interrogate "The Hogfather" and realise it's Death in disguise. Ridcully seems a little baffled by the false beard, with hooks for ears.
82	--> '''Ridcully:''' Those must have given ''you'' some problems...

Context Funny / Hogfather