| 1 | [[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/vlcsnap_2021_04_05_12h35m50s676.png]] |
| 2 | [[caption-width-right:350:D'oh!]] |
| 3 | |
| 4 | '''Moments pages are Administrivia/SpoilersOff. Administrivia/YouHaveBeenWarned.''' |
| 5 | ---- |
| 6 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 7 | |
| 8 | [[folder:In General]] |
| 9 | * Crowning Moment of [[{{Pun}} Funky]]: The FUNKY DUCKMAN! |
| 10 | ** "You put your down, down. You thrust your pelvis, huh! You thrust your pelvis, huh!" |
| 11 | ** Arguably the funniest instance of this was in "Das Sub" when he does the dance after the judge laments that he can't send Duckman to jail because it's too overcrowded with shoplifters, thanks to the state's "three strikes" law. |
| 12 | * One of the ads for the show, where Duckman creates his own ''Duckman'' episode in lieu of the animators, where the characters are drawn as stick figures. |
| 13 | --> '''Duckman stick figure''': Hi, Cornfed!\ |
| 14 | '''Cornfed stick figure''': Hi, Duckman.\ |
| 15 | '''Duckman stick figure''': What the hell are you staring at?\ |
| 16 | ''(film strip catches fire, and Duckman screams. Cornfed fire extinguishes Duckman.)''\ |
| 17 | '''Cornfed''': If they don't come back, I'll slow-roast myself over an open flame. |
| 18 | [[/folder]] |
| 19 | |
| 20 | [[folder:Season 1]] |
| 21 | !!I, Duckman |
| 22 | |
| 23 | !!TV or Not to Be |
| 24 | * Duckman flipping channels. |
| 25 | -->'''Coffee Commercial:''' We think it's time you tried Hill O' Beans decaf, because coffee without the caffeine-\ |
| 26 | '''TV Therapist:''' -is like sex without the costumes.\ |
| 27 | '''Cereal Commercial:''' And remember, Happy Tyme pure sucrose breakfast cereal gives you that-\ |
| 28 | '''TV Doctor:''' -large tumor-like growth on the wall of your stomach.\ |
| 29 | '''Detergent Salesman:''' But for cleaner, brighter, fluffier sheets-\ |
| 30 | '''Announcer:''' Tonight's episode; TheKlan.\ |
| 31 | '''Detergent Salesman:''' Have you ever seen anything so white? |
| 32 | |
| 33 | !!The Gripes of Wrath |
| 34 | ** During the climax: |
| 35 | ---> '''Duckman''': I didn't come up with any society. I just wanted better deodorant. You were the one who made up this whole new world. ''You'' screwed up, not me!\ |
| 36 | '''Bruvenheim''': Impossible! I am infallible!\ |
| 37 | '''Duckman''': I don't care what religion you are. |
| 38 | ** Duckman's inability to get Dr Bruvenheim's name right |
| 39 | ---> '''Duckman''': Hey, you're not Farfignewton! |
| 40 | ---> '''Bruvenheim''': Bruvenheim! |
| 41 | ** The supercomputer masquerading as Bruvenheim reveals that the real Bruvenheim has gone into hiding in a "perverse subculture full of scum and lowlives". [[TakeThat Cue a cutaway to Bruvenheim participating in Star Search]]. |
| 42 | ** The supercomputer [[LogicBomb self destructing]] after it is unable to process the inherent paradox of the human condition of wanting things to be bad and good at the same time. |
| 43 | ** The supercomputer naming itself Loretta. |
| 44 | * When Bernice finds out Duckman was going to Busty Bikini Babefest: |
| 45 | --> '''Duckman''': It's not like it sounds! [[BadLiar First prize is a scholarship or, uh... something.]] |
| 46 | |
| 47 | !!Psyche |
| 48 | * It's hilarious whenever Cornfed acts out-of-character and drops his usual deadpan demeanor, which he does when offered a case in which he and Duckman have to date two ridiculously large-breasted women. |
| 49 | -->'''Cornfed:''' Duckman, we have to go. I need to learn how to awaken the sexual beast that lies dormant in every woman's soul, waiting to transform her into a creature of unbridled passion, pulling at me, tugging at me, yelling '''TAKE ME CORNFED, MAKE ME YOUR LOVE SLAVE!''' ''(Beat)'' You know, that sort of thing. |
| 50 | ** The OverlyLongGag in which leads to Cornfed revealing he's a virgin despite having a GirlOfTheWeek. |
| 51 | --->'''Duckman:''' I don't know why I didn't see it before, Corny. This is the reason I haven't been getting a second look from the babes! It's what's outside that counts! Women are still after the same darn thing.\ |
| 52 | '''Cornfed:''' [[StockSchtick Someone who leaves the toilet seat down]]?\ |
| 53 | '''Duckman:''' Looks! Like that stewardess you used to date. You two wouldn't have been smacking the sheets if she thought your were a mud-face, am I right?\ |
| 54 | '''Cornfed:''' Actually, we never quite went all the way.\ |
| 55 | '''Duckman:''' What? You went out with her for over a year, how far did you get?\ |
| 56 | '''Cornfed:''' She hugged me when we broke up.\ |
| 57 | '''Duckman:''' What about the aerobics instructor?\ |
| 58 | '''Cornfed:''' Nope.\ |
| 59 | '''Duckman:''' The hairdresser?\ |
| 60 | '''Cornfed:''' Nope.\ |
| 61 | '''Duckman:''' Golf instructor?\ |
| 62 | '''Cornfed:''' Nope.\ |
| 63 | '''Duckman:''' The heiress?\ |
| 64 | '''Cornfed:''' Nope.\ |
| 65 | '''Duckman:''' Crossing guard?\ |
| 66 | '''Cornfed:''' Nope.\ |
| 67 | '''Duckman:''' Synchronized swimmer?\ |
| 68 | '''Cornfed:''' Nope.\ |
| 69 | '''Duckman:''' The ice sculptor?\ |
| 70 | '''Cornfed:''' Nope.\ |
| 71 | '''Duckman:''' [[NunTooHoly The ex-nun]]?\ |
| 72 | '''Cornfed:''' Nope.\ |
| 73 | '''Duckman:''' How about when you got snowbound in that cabin with the [[ExtremeLibido nymphomaniac]] who [[DatingWhatDaddyHates wanted to get back at her parents]]?\ |
| 74 | '''Cornfed:''' Second base. |
| 75 | ** Later, after Duckman chickens out and bails on the mission... |
| 76 | --->'''Duckman:''' Did I miss anything?\ |
| 77 | '''Cornfed:''' We went back to their house.\ |
| 78 | '''Duckman:''' Their house!? Details, give me details.\ |
| 79 | '''Cornfed:''' A-frame. Two and a half baths. Exposed brick fireplace-\ |
| 80 | '''Duckman:''' No, you idiot! What happened!?\ |
| 81 | '''Cornfed:''' We played Twister. I lost. ''(Giggles)'' Beyond that, I am a gentleman. ''(Giggles harder)'' Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to help Clasette and Fantene learn why men focus on their bodies while they sponge-wash their car in cut-offs. ''(Giggles maniacally)'' |
| 82 | ** The hideous facial job on the plastic surgeon Duckman goes to for a duckbill extension. |
| 83 | * Duckman has a magazine on the floor- the cover asks "Can ugly men find happiness- see page 54". He flips to page 54 which merely has in giant letters: "NO." |
| 84 | |
| 85 | !!Gland of Opportunity |
| 86 | * The rollercoaster ride has a halfway point for riders to get out and throw up in bathrooms. |
| 87 | ** Right before Duckman goes under from the gas, he hears the doc say, "This time, I ''know'' I'll get it right." |
| 88 | ** Duckman wussing out of going on the dangerous rollercoaster, only to instead get injured on a pathetically child friendly merry go round. |
| 89 | ** The annoying Magic Kingdom mascot who lists off a ridiculous list of rules for the park, such as "no outside food, no interracial dating and No On Proposition 24". Duckman proceeds to kick him off a ledge and proclaims "no hands!" |
| 90 | ** This line, after Cornfed derides the idea of a gland transplant creating a behavioral change: |
| 91 | ---> '''Duckman''': Can it and sell it to someone else, bacon boy. If I were interested in science, I wouldn't have spent all that classroom time in the porno arcade. |
| 92 | |
| 93 | !!Ride the High School |
| 94 | * Ajax getting "stuck" on a stopped escalator. |
| 95 | ** Ajax's high school. Among the highlights: A student and teacher kissing in a locker ("It's okay, I'm her geometry teacher. Hey, I ain't in it for the ''salary''."), a huge rolling boulder of trash from the cafeteria, a gang of ''Theatre/WestSideStory''-esque hoodlums ("Cool it, daddy-o. Let's save our strength for the Sharks.") and another gang who looks like ''Film/TheLittleRascals'', the DrivenToMadness hall monitor ("You don't have a hall pass either, DO YOU?! ''(maniacal laughter)''", and an audio ShoutOut to ''Film/ApocalypseNow'' ("The horror... the horror..."). |
| 96 | ** Duckman flirting with a student named Deana: |
| 97 | ---> '''Duckman''': Duckman with a D. In fact, [=PhD=]: Loveology. Perhaps you'd care to stay after class while I grade on your curves?\ |
| 98 | ''(smacked into the corner by Bernice)''\ |
| 99 | '''Bernice''': You're pathetic; you've got kidney stones older than her! |
| 100 | ** Cornfed revealing that a seemingly innocent letter home is actually a cry for help from Ajax: |
| 101 | ---> '''Cornfed''': Viewed through a prism and reversed in a mirror, it clearly reads "Help! I'm being held prisoner here and being made to write letters dictated by Headmaster Byer. Save me! Love, Ajax." Sometimes after an electrical storm, I see in five dimensions... Why are the sixty of you looking at me like that? |
| 102 | ** When King Chicken reveals that the entire college campus was a ruse, and that the fellow students were merely robots: |
| 103 | ---> '''Duckman''': Even Deana, that lovely co-ed?\ |
| 104 | '''King Chicken''': Nope. I've never been able to make breasts. She's a Muppet.\ |
| 105 | '''Duckman''': Oh, to be Frank Oz for a day. |
| 106 | ** When King Chicken reveals his plan of getting revenge on Duckman by educating Ajax so Duckman is no longer able to relate to him, he and Bernice find a common bond: Discipline. |
| 107 | ---> '''Bernice''': You're employing objective standards instead of the coddling of the individual?\ |
| 108 | '''King Chicken''': Why, yes.\ |
| 109 | '''Bernice''': With attention to fundamentals, drill work, repetition?\ |
| 110 | '''King Chicken''': Oh, yes, yes.\ |
| 111 | '''Bernice''': Making the slow students catch up rather than slowing down the fast students?\ |
| 112 | '''King Chicken''': Don't stop.\ |
| 113 | '''Both''': And corporal punishment!\ |
| 114 | '''King Chicken''': Ahhhh, the slap of a cat-o'-nine-tails on young skin.\ |
| 115 | '''Bernice''': The heft of a new blackjack in your hand.\ |
| 116 | '''King Chicken''': Three pound, or 5.2?\ |
| 117 | '''Bernice''': Oh, three pound is for wimps.\ |
| 118 | '''King Chicken''': Oh, my, you are an enchanting creature.\ |
| 119 | '''Bernice''': ''(breathy)'' Just someone who cares.\ |
| 120 | '''Duckman''': Uh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Creepy! Can we get back to the subject of Ajax?! |
| 121 | ** Towards the end of the episode, Ajax can be seen giving a presentation on onomatopoeia. Later during a fight between Duckman and King Chicken that carries across the entire school, they end up crashing through a series of signs with the onomatopoeia for the sound effects that play written on them. |
| 122 | ** After spending time at the school, Ajax is sitting in a field pondering a flower and gives brief academical summary of it, [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness then freaks out over his own uncharacteristic behavior]]. |
| 123 | * Duckman gets out a box of Ajax's old stuff, which includes ''Film/TheSilenceOfTheLambs'' action figures: |
| 124 | --> '''Duckman''': ''(as Hannibal Lecter)'' Are the lambs silent, Clarice? ''(hisses)''\ |
| 125 | '''Bernice''': ''(as Clarice)'' Go eat a leg, Lecter! |
| 126 | |
| 127 | !!A Civil War |
| 128 | * An infomercial Duckman watches: |
| 129 | --> "Hi, I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV. And that's why I bikini wax with the new and improved "Gee, Your Groin Looks Well-Groomed"." |
| 130 | * The reveal that Cornfed was able to move from the mail room to an executive position within the course of a day. |
| 131 | |
| 132 | !!Not So Easy Riders |
| 133 | * This line: |
| 134 | --->'''Duckman:''' Did I ever tell you my dad's last words to me?\ |
| 135 | '''Cornfed:''' Mm-hmm. [[SelfMadeOrphan "Careful, son, I don't think the safety's on."]]\ |
| 136 | '''Duckman:''' ''Before'' that! |
| 137 | ** From the same episode, when Duckman and Cornfed are surrounded by a gang of angry bikers, and Duckman accidentally turns on a SuspiciouslySimilarSong to Tequila. |
| 138 | --->'''Cornfed:''' Duckman, maybe you should try distracting them by doing what [[Series/PeeWeesPlayhouse Pee Wee Herman]] did in that movie.\ |
| 139 | '''Duckman:''' First of all, I don't think it's appropriate! Second... I'm not really in the mood.\ |
| 140 | '''Cornfed:''' Not that movie, [[Film/PeeWeesBigAdventure the movie he starred in]].\ |
| 141 | '''Duckman:''' OH, haha... I knew that. |
| 142 | ** Duckman going on a MushroomSamba after eating some old canned chili. It was given to them by a Native American (played hilariously by Creator/BobcatGoldthwait), who tries to have a {{leitmotif}} of stereotypical Native American chanting, but his 8-track keeps dying on him. |
| 143 | --->'''Native American:''' Damn 8-track! ...Thirsty?\ |
| 144 | '''Duckman & Cornfed:''' Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!\ |
| 145 | '''Native American:''' Me too. Wishum I had water... Only kidding. You like Indian sense of humor?\ |
| 146 | ''(Gives them two bags of water)''\ |
| 147 | '''Native American:''' I ride many suns, many moons, horse die, had to stop, rent new horse, bought additional insurance package, although big ripoff, will know better next time. By way, only so much water, you not drink all.\ |
| 148 | ''(Duckman and Cornfed drank all the water)''\ |
| 149 | '''Native American:''' Thanks, loads! Anything else?\ |
| 150 | '''Duckman:''' Food! Food, food, food, food! Whaddya got to eat!?\ |
| 151 | '''Native American:''' Hmm... \ |
| 152 | ''(Ruffles through his bag, puts aside a perfectly good plate of noodles, a full chicken, and a sub sandwich, and reaches for the expired chili)''\ |
| 153 | '''Native American:''' Here, ancient medicine. Guaranteed to take appetite away.\ |
| 154 | ''(Duckman scarfs it down)''\ |
| 155 | '''Native American:''' What a pair of maroons. |
| 156 | |
| 157 | !!It's the Thing of the Principal |
| 158 | * When Duckman visits Ajax's school, some soldiers are nearby: |
| 159 | ---> '''Soldier''': ''(on the phone)'' Yes sir, I'll tell 'em the good news! ''(hangs up)'' Boys, we're goin' to Bosnia!\ |
| 160 | ''(everyone cheers)'' |
| 161 | ** When Duckman and Cornfed are spying on the vice principal at her house as she gets out of the shower. |
| 162 | --->'''Duckman:''' I'm telling you, Corny, no way a woman of such delicious fleshitude would be interested in a wedgie like Ajax. She has an ulterior motive and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to expose her! Ooh, there she is.\ |
| 163 | ''(Duckman falls out of the tree he was sitting in after she gets out of the shower)''\ |
| 164 | '''Cornfed:''' You okay, Duckman?\ |
| 165 | '''Duckman:''' Just tell me what she's doing, will ya!?\ |
| 166 | '''Cornfed:''' Nothing much. She just took off her bath towel and now she's rubbing herself down with lotion...\ |
| 167 | ''(Duckman starts excitedly climbing back up the tree)''\ |
| 168 | '''Cornfed:''' ...giving herself a full frontal massage, and bending over to touch her toes for no other reason than the sheer joy of it. I tell you this; Without breast reduction, she's gonna have a lot of back trouble.\ |
| 169 | '''Duckman:''' ...She's not even in the room!\ |
| 170 | '''Cornfed:''' Hehe, little surveillance humor. Duckman, you ''are'' here first and foremost out of love and concern for your child.\ |
| 171 | '''Duckman:''' Course I am! Why would you even dare to suggest otherwise!?\ |
| 172 | '''Cornfed:''' Maybe it was the way you said "Hey Corny, let's go get a look at her naked."\ |
| 173 | '''Duckman:''' I can have more than one reason for doing something! |
| 174 | |
| 175 | !!Cellar Beware |
| 176 | * Bernice resorting to capturing the rest of the family in a net just so she can get them to cooperate with her for holding the block association party. |
| 177 | ---> '''Bernice''': Then make our guests feel welcome and if anybody fails to do that, I'll make his life a living hell.\ |
| 178 | ''(Duckman raises his hand)''\ |
| 179 | '''Bernice''': A worse one than it is now. |
| 180 | ** The bit about the malfunctioning doorbell. |
| 181 | ---> '''Bernice''': Duckman, did you remember to fix that short in the doorbell?\ |
| 182 | ''(the light flickers as a man screams in pain off-screen)''\ |
| 183 | '''Duckman''': Seems to be working fine. |
| 184 | ** Duckman's "secret drink", which is really [[GargleBlaster Formula 409]]. Bernice forcefeeds some to Duckman to show it's safe to drink. |
| 185 | ** The implication that Duckman has stolen all the family's belongings from their neighbors, including ''the dog'' and a Dialysis machine. |
| 186 | ** Terry Duke Tetzloff's [[BlackComedy sales pitch]] for the Interlopen Fuehrer 1500 home security system. Doubly funny is how it's John Astin voicing Terry, who's better known as Gomez Addams. |
| 187 | ---> '''Terry''': ''(showing slides)'' And then, he took the electric carving knife, cut her into little pieces, and fed her to his dog. And as for the rest of the orphans...\ |
| 188 | ''(group gasps in shock; one guy says, "Oh my GOD!")''\ |
| 189 | '''Terry''': ...[[TakeOurWordForIt Well, it wasn't pretty]], and all because they didn't have the Interlopen Fuhrer 1500 home security system. ''(turns off the slides, leaving the room pitch black)'' But, hey, I'm not here to scare you. I'm just warning you what can happen when you value $5,999.95 ''(turns the lights back on)'' more than you do the safety of your own children. ''(pinches Ajax's cheek then wipes his hand with a tissue)'' |
| 190 | |
| 191 | !!American Dicks |
| 192 | * This Mockumentary episode is one long Crowning Moment. |
| 193 | ** Duckman attempting to come off like an expert detective to the camera, while overlooking or ignoring ridiculously obvious clues and leads to the case of the episode, finding the kidnapped mayor of the city. Among other things, he doesn't notice a picture of the mayor being held hostage by baseball manager Lance Le Francis on a milk carton he's drinking from, and doesn't notice the mayor being dragged kicking and screaming into a van across the street until Cornfed points it out to him. |
| 194 | ** [[ConfessionCam The interview]] the American Dicks cameraman has with Cornfed. |
| 195 | ---> '''Cornfed''': Before I met Duckman, I was at a crossroads, soul-searching, looking for my place in this endless puzzle we call life. You ever wake up in a Cambodian gaming parlor and realize you're living in a dark, dank abyss of emptiness and loneliness, then wander the mountains of Asia for two years until you became the chef in a Tibetan monastery?\ |
| 196 | '''Camera Man''': I just asked what kind of detective Duckman is.\ |
| 197 | '''Cornfed''': Oh... I have some clothes in the dryer. |
| 198 | ** Ajax: "My dad swatted my face with a broom once. Of course, I was eating from the dustpan at the time." |
| 199 | ** When Honiss is approached by a woman with a sick kid: |
| 200 | ---> '''Woman''': He's your biggest fan. If you could just sign his oxygen tank, "Keep on fighting, little slugger. This one's going extra innings.", it would make his day.\ |
| 201 | '''Honiss''': That's five bucks a word for the inscription and ten for the signature.\ |
| 202 | '''Woman''': Oh. ''(leaves)'' |
| 203 | ** The scene in the court room: |
| 204 | ---> '''Judge:''' I hereby call this court to order... ''(cheesy organ music suddenly starts playing as he starts speaking in an upbeat manner)'' ...and welcome some very special guests and close personal friends - American Cops, American Dicks, American Stenographers, American Court Janitors, and of course our very own slap-happy singleton! ''(courtroom cheers)'' |
| 205 | ** The cameraman accidentally walking into the office next to Duckman's, which turns out to house an erotic massage parlor. |
| 206 | ** Duckman not noticing that his car has been stripped clean of parts while they were gone, including ''the exterior''. The only part he notices is askew is that his car air-freshener is gone, until he finds it on the floor. |
| 207 | ** The cameraman tripping over Ajax who is bending down to pick up what he thinks is a chocolate bar from the ground, and accidentally smashes into Duckman with the camera. |
| 208 | ---> '''Ajax''': ...ew, this isn't a chocolate bar... |
| 209 | |
| 210 | !!About Face |
| 211 | |
| 212 | !!Joking the Chicken |
| 213 | * Duckman learns that he has high blood pressure. The blood vein-filled expression that he makes when he finds out is funny enough, but then he goes ballistic: |
| 214 | --> '''Duckman''': That's terrible news! I HATE getting terrible news! ''(stomps his desk into pieces)'' I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I ''HAAAAAATE IIIIITTT!!!'' |
| 215 | [[/folder]] |
| 216 | |
| 217 | [[folder:Season 2]] |
| 218 | !!Papa Oom M.O.W. M.O.W. |
| 219 | * After Duckman complains about getting a $200 parking ticket for parking in a handicapped space. |
| 220 | --->'''Duckman:''' So what? No one notices, except the people who are supposed to park there. And hell, I can outrun them any day.\ |
| 221 | '''Cornfed:''' Extra police are here because the President is touring the neighborhood today. Perhaps they thought you looked suspicious.\ |
| 222 | '''Duckman:''' Suspicious? Me? Ridiculous. ''[[NotHelpingYourCase (reads a copy of "Bitter Crazed Loner Monthly", which has a swastika on the front page)]]'' |
| 223 | ** When three top-heavy women visit Duckman's office: |
| 224 | ---> '''Woman''': What ''do'' you do here?\ |
| 225 | '''Duckman''': I look at breasts. Y-and I'm, I'm a detective. Heh heh. But, mainly the breast thing. |
| 226 | ** Said women arent exactly the brightest bulbs in the bucket either. When they're introducing themselves, the blonde actually forgets her own ''name'', then ends up telling them her name is Cornfed, because he just said it. |
| 227 | ** The would-be assassin that Duckman accidentally stops. |
| 228 | ---> '''Crazed Gunman''': ''Make the rabbits leave me alone!!!'' |
| 229 | ** Art De Salvo on his cell phone: |
| 230 | --> '''Art''': DON'T SAY ANYTHING, YOU SICK NAZI COW! I'LL NAIL YA TO THE WALL FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY CLIENT IN YOUR COLUMN! YOU'RE NOTHIN' BUT A DRIED-OUT OLD HAG! ''(voice heard on the other end)'' Huh? Well, is your mommy home? Nevermind. |
| 231 | ** "While the world watched, the life of the most important person on the planet who isn't me was saved by one man, Duckman. An exclusive today on ''Geofredo'', an episode that's so important, half of it will be commercials. Back in seven minutes." |
| 232 | ** Duckman giving a long-winded speech about heroism and duty while visiting a GeraldoRivera-type show, only for the host to reveal that he has taped footage of Duckman's ACTUAL actions during the attempted assassination (he was groping two of the women fawning over the president and got slapped into the assassin). |
| 233 | -->'''Geofredo''': Duckman, what would you say if I told you we had exclusive amateur videotape of your true activities in the crucial moments before the "rescue"?\ |
| 234 | * beat*\ |
| 235 | '''Duckman''': [[IWantMyMommy Mommy]]? |
| 236 | ** After the riot at the show, Art is in the ambulance with a severely wounded Duckman, and actually ''unhooks his oxygen for a second''. |
| 237 | --> '''Art''': You sleep now.\ |
| 238 | '''Duckman''': I'm not tired.\ |
| 239 | '''Art''': How 'bout now? ''(unhooks the tube)''\ |
| 240 | '''Duckman''': ''(gasps, then passes out)'' |
| 241 | * The ''entirety'' of the live-action sequence. Examples include: |
| 242 | ** Duckman glorifying himself and making the rest of the characters look dumber in comparison. |
| 243 | ** Cornfed coming in drunk. Made even better as he's played by his voice actor Creator/GreggBerger. |
| 244 | ** The ending, where it turns out the character Creator/TasiaValenza is playing is not Beatrice, but ''Bernice'' and Bernice and Duckman are actually related in this. |
| 245 | |
| 246 | !!Married Alive |
| 247 | * Duckman says that he and Cornfed are a team, like "Astaire and Rogers, Lewis and Clark, Norman Bates." [[labelnote:Note]](referencing how in ''Film/{{Psycho}}'', Norman Bates played the dual role of himself and his deceased mother.)[[/labelnote]] |
| 248 | ** Duckman grilling Baron von Dilweed: |
| 249 | ---> '''Duckman''': Money! Money! Money! Is that what it's all about? The real question is: What are you planning to do with all your money?\ |
| 250 | '''Baron''': Make more money.\ |
| 251 | '''Duckman''': And with ''that'' money?\ |
| 252 | '''Baron''': Make more money.\ |
| 253 | '''Duckman''': And with ''THAT'' money?!\ |
| 254 | '''Baron''': Make more money.\ |
| 255 | '''Duckman''': God, I thought I could trip him up on a less-than-noble life's ambition. |
| 256 | ** This exchange between Bernice and Duckman as she quizzes him on the family, threatening to take the boys when she marries Baron von Dilweed: |
| 257 | --->'''Duckman''': Fine, so a few other people have heard of him. That doesn't make him good enough to be a father to my children!\ |
| 258 | '''Bernice''': I hope you don't mind a bit of constructive criticism Duckman, but those kids would be better off with a pack of rabid baboons than with you!\ |
| 259 | '''Duckman''': [[NoodleIncident We proved that wasn't true, Bernice! Even if Ajax does still get a Valentine from the dominant female every year]].\ |
| 260 | '''Bernice''': Okay, then. What grade are the twins in?\ |
| 261 | '''Duckman''': Uhhh... By twins, you mean the ones who look alike?\ |
| 262 | '''Bernice''': What color is Ajax's hair?\ |
| 263 | '''Duckman''': ''(thinking for several seconds)'' What, you're putting a time limit on it too?!\ |
| 264 | '''Bernice''': How about their dog, when was Gecko's last rabies shot?\ |
| 265 | '''Duckman''': HA! It was right after the last time Charles and Makimbo bit her!\ |
| 266 | '''Bernice''': Their names are Charles and ''Mambo'', Duckman, and Gecko is a ''him''.\ |
| 267 | '''Duckman''': Not since he peed in my slippers this morning. |
| 268 | |
| 269 | |
| 270 | !!Days of Whining and Neurosis |
| 271 | * After Dr. Milo shows a commercial for his rehab center: |
| 272 | ---> '''Duckman''': So lemme get this straight. You run a glorified cappuccino and croissant clip joint where the rich and blitzed get to spend two weeks in a hot tub instead of six years in maximum as a pin-up boy for a guy named Back-Door Billy?\ |
| 273 | '''Milo''': Yes, and I'd like to hire you for a job.\ |
| 274 | '''Duckman''': [[ProfessionalButtKisser And a fine clip joint it is.]] ''(shakes Milo's hand)'' Have I told you how impressed I was by the way that former child star didn't rob a convenience store for over three weeks after he checked out of your place? |
| 275 | ** When Duckman first arrives at the Dr. Milo rehab center: |
| 276 | ---> '''Red Herring''': Cyrus Red Herring, [=McGuffin=] Security. Are you rich?\ |
| 277 | '''Duckman''': No.\ |
| 278 | '''Red Herring''': Famous?\ |
| 279 | '''Duckman''': No.\ |
| 280 | '''Red Herring''': Ever been sexually involved with a political candidate?\ |
| 281 | '''Duckman''': No, but I did get approached by an Arkansas state trooper a few years back. |
| 282 | ** Cornfed is MrExposition on the Dr. Milo rehab center: |
| 283 | ---> '''Cornfed''': As you'll see, they treat a wide variety of addictions here. Most often, however, they like to group patients by profession. For instance, this is the Entertainment Industry wing, Television Subsection. Child stars, writers over 25, development executives... actually someone ''else'' gets addicted for them, then they take credit for it. This special section is for celebrities actually addicted to checking in to rehab clinics. With this class of clientele, naturally, they run into scheduling problems. So they have "drive-thru rehab" for busy Type A's who just don't have two weeks to give up. |
| 284 | ** When an undercover Cornfed introduces himself to the therapy group: |
| 285 | ---> '''Cornfed''': My name is Dr. Gelman.\ |
| 286 | '''Duckman''': No you're not.\ |
| 287 | '''Cornfed''': Yes I am.\ |
| 288 | '''Duckman''': No you're not.\ |
| 289 | '''Cornfed''': Yes I ''am''.\ |
| 290 | '''Duckman''': What are ya talking about?! You're-\ |
| 291 | '''Cornfed''': ''(grabbing Duckman's bill)'' My name is Dr. Gelman, Dr. NATHAN GELMAN. ''Nobody'' knows me here, so I'm introducing myself!\ |
| 292 | '''Duckman''': Oh OHHHHHHH! Nice to ''meet'' you, Dr. Cornfed!\ |
| 293 | '''Cornfed''': ''(sighs angrily)'' |
| 294 | ** Duckman's attempts to escape from the therapy group to go indulge in his various addictions, and Cornfed's increasingly elaborate attempts at keeping him there. |
| 295 | ** Roulette, an expy of Andrew Dice Clay, is accused of murdering Dr. Milo: |
| 296 | ---> '''Roulette''': What, did they bus you in from a head injury ward? Milo made me confront my anger. Showed me it's wrong to hate those who are different than me except for homo, saggy-breasted women's libbers and those third world types with funny accents.\ |
| 297 | '''Cornfed''': Thank you, Roulette, for expressing what millions of white trash neo-Nazis would love to say if they could hide behind the First Amendment under the guise of comedy. |
| 298 | ** Senator Stephen Stark, who in his own words, "likes to lie, cheat, steal and fondle everyone within reach". |
| 299 | ---> '''Duckman''': Join the club!\ |
| 300 | '''Stark''': I did, it's called the Senate! |
| 301 | ** Dr Milo designed a mechanical senate page who gives Stark an electric shock every time he tries to grope him. |
| 302 | ---> '''Cornfed''': Aversion therapy. By associating pain with a specific pleasure, you'll be conditioned not to do it again.\ |
| 303 | '''Stark''': I doubt it, he's so damn cute! |
| 304 | ** When Bernice and the kids visit Duckman (though it's more to spot all the celebrities in the rehab clinic): |
| 305 | ---> '''Mambo''': And here comes rock star Stash.\ |
| 306 | '''Charles''': People Magazine voted him most addicted man in America.\ |
| 307 | '''Stash''': ''(sounding exactly like Ajax)'' Hi, kids. Nice of you to come by and see your dod.\ |
| 308 | '''Ajax''': Whoa. Sounds like all those years of being fried really took their toll. |
| 309 | ** How Bernice and the kids gained access to the clinic - they disguised themselves as ''The Osmonds''. |
| 310 | ** Red Herring from MacGuffin Security deciding not to press charges against Duckman because "it's enough punishment just being him". |
| 311 | ** The list of therapy groups the resort offers, which includes ''sniffing bowling shoes''. |
| 312 | |
| 313 | !!Inherit the Judgement: The Dope's Trial |
| 314 | * Everyone's baking in the hot car: |
| 315 | --> '''Mambo''': We're due next week. The sun.\ |
| 316 | '''Bernice''': What about... Ajax?\ |
| 317 | '''Charles''': Slack-jawed, glassy-eyed, drooling.\ |
| 318 | '''Bernice''': Good. Ajax, normal. |
| 319 | * Duckman says there's a town called "Gleen Bay" built beneath Green Bay by Chinese railroad workers. |
| 320 | ---> '''Duckman''': They say you can still hear the screams! |
| 321 | ** [[RunningGag "You folks lost?"]] |
| 322 | ** "Everyone in Coopville's related... sometimes in two or three ways." |
| 323 | ** While Duckman is in jail for saying the egg came before the chicken, Cornfed visits him: |
| 324 | ---> '''Duckman''': Did you talk to my lawyer/urologist Donald "The Shiv" Grillo?\ |
| 325 | '''Cornfed''': Yes, but he didn't talk back. He's dead: A rare case of peacetime fragging.\ |
| 326 | '''Duckman''': Damn Coast Guard Reserve. |
| 327 | ** Cornfed wants to be Duckman's lawyer: |
| 328 | ---> '''Cornfed''': Relax, Duckman. I'll get you off... [[ThatCameOutWrong I mean, I'll see that you're found not guilty.]] |
| 329 | ** Ajax at the anti-Duckman carnival has his own tent: |
| 330 | ---> '''Ajax''': When people on TV watch TV, is everything backwards? ''(crowd gasps)'' Wouldn't baseball be more exciting if the bats were alive? ''(crowd gasps)'' Sometimes I get a really bad headache, like my head is in a vice, and usually it turns out that's ''exactly'' what's wrong! ''(the crowd screams in terror and runs out)'' |
| 331 | ** To gain sympathy from the jury, Cornfed rattles off a list of potential traumatic incidents: |
| 332 | ---> '''Cornfed''': Were you abused by your parents?\ |
| 333 | '''Duckman''': No.\ |
| 334 | '''Cornfed''': Teased at school?\ |
| 335 | '''Duckman''': No.\ |
| 336 | '''Cornfed''': A victim of racial rage?\ |
| 337 | '''Duckman''': No.\ |
| 338 | '''Cornfed''': Sexually harassed?\ |
| 339 | '''Duckman''': No.\ |
| 340 | '''Cornfed''': Fired for being chronically tardy?\ |
| 341 | '''Duckman''': No.\ |
| 342 | '''Cornfed''': [[TakeThat You ever eat Twinkies?]] |
| 343 | ** When the unruly mob takes Duckman out of the prison cell: |
| 344 | ---> '''Cornfed''': This is like Coupon Night at Sizzler. |
| 345 | ** King Chicken's father, Kennesaw Mountain Chicken, is the judge in the case, and Duckman is concerned he's not going to get a fair trial. Kennesaw doesn't exactly assuage his fears: |
| 346 | ---> '''Kennesaw''': We gonna give him a fair trial, all right. ''Then'', we gonna string him and swing him by his scrawny, sinnin' neck ''(gets in Duckman's face)'' until... he... is... dead.\ |
| 347 | '''Duckman''': Can somebody get him a Tic Tac? |
| 348 | ** King Chicken's [[KangarooCourt opening remarks]]: |
| 349 | ---> '''King Chicken''': Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, think of an innocent child picking a daisy on a sunny Sunday afternoon. ''Now'', imagine Duckman roaring out of nowhere, driving a large truck. He hits her and kills her. Then he backs up and he runs over her again and again and again! A sadistic beast with a deranged, savage lust for blood!\ |
| 350 | '''Cornfed''': Objection. What's this fantasy got to do with the case before the court?\ |
| 351 | '''Kennesaw''': Sustained. The jury will disregard the fact that the defendant wantonly, brutally and carelessly killed a little girl.\ |
| 352 | '''Duckman''': Ha! Won that one.\ |
| 353 | ''(Cornfed face palms)'' |
| 354 | ** When everyone is testifying against Duckman, Cornfed notes that witnesses are getting back in line for seconds. |
| 355 | ** Duckman questioning King Chicken. Well, not so much questioning as torturing King with inane ramblings until he confesses. What really sells it is Duckman’s confidence in his own stupidity. |
| 356 | ** Duckman wins the case and says he has a higher power on his side. He wasn't talking about God, he was talking about Creator/{{Paramount}}. |
| 357 | |
| 358 | !!America the Beautiful |
| 359 | * Duckman and Cornfed search for a model named America, and her former boyfriends who represent different decades of history. When entering a place called Appleville, a black and white town representative of the 1950's, all of the color leaks out of Duckman and Cornfed. |
| 360 | --->'''Cornfed:''' [[DoubleEntendre It appears they don't allow people of color in this community.]] |
| 361 | ** In the same scene, the two talking to Wilbur Nelson about America: |
| 362 | ---> '''Wilbur''': Afraid I haven't seen America for quite some time, friend, but, oh, what memories. When we met, she was wholesome, innocent, and knew her place. We used to spend entire evenings together, our TV dinners on trays in front of that glorious tube, watching warm, idealized families and non-threatening singing and dancing minorities. But then she started asking me things like what time I'd be home, or why she couldn't have a say in decisions. ''(chuckles)'' Imagine a woman questioning ''my'' authority. |
| 363 | ** And during all this, Duckman is [[FunnyBackgroundEvent coughing violently in the background for screwing up smoking a pipe.]] |
| 364 | ** The [[Film/WallStreet Gordon Gecko]] {{expy}} they visit who is the last of America's exes. |
| 365 | ---> "Before America tired of the rat race, she and I went through a great deal of personal growth, became better people together, tried to help mankind... ''(laughs)'' I kid, of course. We made lots of money, blah-blah-blah, end of story. We also had a solar-heated winter home in Telluride, complete with a pedigreed golden retriever because of course, pedi-''greed'' is good." |
| 366 | |
| 367 | !!The Germ Turns |
| 368 | * Duckman starts over-compensating for his lackluster parenting, and one big highlight is when he joins Ajax at football practice: |
| 369 | ---> '''Duckman''': ''(shouting so loudly that the other players can hear)'' I agree with you, Ajax: Those other players are a bunch of brainless, knuckle-dragging bohunks who get over-excited about showering together because they were emotionally shattered when they found out their mothers do it for doughnuts! Well put, son! |
| 370 | ** Cut to Ajax lying in the hospital. |
| 371 | ---> '''Ajax''': Luckily, thanks to some non-FDA approved drugs, I'll be up again by tomorrow. Unfortunately, that's when the football team said they'd be by to beat me up again. |
| 372 | ** The kids being driven to attempted suicide by Duckman's overbearing parenting. |
| 373 | ---> '''Duckman''': Heh, kids and their cute little deathgames. |
| 374 | ** Duckman's first attempt at looking like a good dad, playing catch with them... in the middle of the night. |
| 375 | ---> '''Bernice''': Have you flipped your flop?! It's pitch black outside! |
| 376 | |
| 377 | !!In the Nam of the Father |
| 378 | * Duckman shows up to work wearing a coat made from a baby seal pelt, ''with a baby seal head still attached to the shoulder''. Fluffy and Uranus scream in horror. [[CrossesTheLineTwice Then Duckman reveals he's also wearing underwear made from spotted owls]]. |
| 379 | ** The hilariously offensive Vietnam War-based theme park, which includes a spookhouse with the theme "Long National Nightmare" and a "bomb the hut" game. |
| 380 | ** The flashback to ''Film/ApocalypseNow'': |
| 381 | ---> '''Kurtz''': You have no right to judge me. You have the right to kill me, but you've no right to judge me. No, wait. Reverse that. Judge me. Don't kill me. Yeah, that seems better. For no man is an island, though some are roughly the same size as one. [[Film/OnTheWaterfront I coulda been somebody. I coulda been a contender.]] [[Film/TheGodfather Senator Corleone, Governor Corleone.]] [[Film/LastTangoInParis Props, we need more butter.]] [[Film/SupermanTheMovie General Zod, Krypton will be destroyed!]] |
| 382 | ** The flashback to ''Film/GoodMorningVietnam'', with Duckman's torture consisting of having to listen to Adrian's radio broadcast. |
| 383 | ** The movie director's insistence that he use real ammunition in his movies, not blanks. |
| 384 | ---> '''Director''': My people would die for me... which, of course, is ''required'', since I insist on complete authenticity by using real, live ammunition. What better way to denounce war's senseless violence and killing than to project the real thing onto a 40-foot screen in all of its splendor and glory? |
| 385 | |
| 386 | !!Research and Destroy |
| 387 | |
| 388 | * [[AbusiveParents Duckman's]] idea of "playing airplane" with Ajax. |
| 389 | -->'''Duckman''': ''*holding Ajax to the side of an airplane*'' Eat your vegetables or I push! |
| 390 | * Bernice's "getting crap past the radar" rant to the bouncer: |
| 391 | --> '''Bouncer''': Maybe next show you should clear the fog from your consciousness.\ |
| 392 | '''Bernice''': I'll tell you what's fogging my consciousness. I have been cooling my fogging heels for two fogging hours, looking at your stupid fogging face and soaking up your snobby fogging attitude. Now if you don't find us a fogging table to sit, I am going to rip out your fogging spleen and shove it down your fogging throat! So move your fogging butt and get us a fogging table right fogging NOW! |
| 393 | |
| 394 | !!Clip Job |
| 395 | * The montage of Duckman saying "What the hell are YOU staring at?!" |
| 396 | ** Duckman manages to call Cornfed while being tied up: |
| 397 | ---> '''Cornfed''': ''(answering phone at Duckman's house)'' KZRC is my million dollar station.\ |
| 398 | '''Duckman''': Corny, it's me, I've been kidnapped.\ |
| 399 | '''Cornfed''': Dammit. Duckman, good thing you called. Tell me where he's hiding you.\ |
| 400 | '''Duckman''': [[CaptainObvious In his secret hideout.]]\ |
| 401 | '''Cornfed''': This is going to be a difficult conversation. |
| 402 | ** Harry Medfly in general: |
| 403 | ---> '''Harry''': Your life is the most immoral show of all time. But even Series/WhosTheBoss'' had that one where Tony lied about his bowling score, so what are you gonna do, hmm? |
| 404 | ** |
| 405 | ---> '''Harry''': Am I crazy because I'm the one viewer in America courageous enough to act? Do you expect me to sit around doing nothing, like little Timmy just before he hit his head on that rock and Lassie's locked up in the pound but she gets the key from a cat who pushes it under the door? |
| 406 | ** |
| 407 | ---> '''Harry''': Now, where was I? Either about to snuff out your life or make a bowl of popcorn. Oh, well, no law says I can't do ''both''. |
| 408 | ** When Duckman dials for Cornfed: |
| 409 | ---> '''Harry''': You shouldn't have done that, Duckman. Prepare to die. ''(diabolical daughter)'' [[LampshadeHanging ...Don't you hate it when they do that right before a commercial?]] |
| 410 | ** This little nugget courtesy of Bernice: |
| 411 | ---> '''Cornfed''': I came as soon as I heard Duckman was missing. |
| 412 | ---> '''Bernice''': Me too, but then I got a little worried. (''snicker'') |
| 413 | [[/folder]] |
| 414 | |
| 415 | [[folder:Season 3]] |
| 416 | !!Noir Gang |
| 417 | * Duckman's drooling so much from ogling Tamara's performance that he fills a bucket, which Cornfed has to replace. |
| 418 | |
| 419 | !!Forbidden Fruit |
| 420 | * In addition to being awesome, Fluffy and Uranus' [[ClusterFBomb epic cuss-out of Duckman]] is just so jarring and [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness unexpected]] that it's hilarious. |
| 421 | ** Earlier in the episode, the two are sleeping in a bunk bed with him, and hear a thumping noise, and their pupils immediately shrink to pinpoints. Turns out, he was doing leg exercises, and is none too pleased with Fluffy and Uranus peeping. |
| 422 | --->'''Duckman''': I can't live with this lack of privacy! ''Go sleep outside!'' |
| 423 | ** The various applicants for the nanny job that Bernice rejects, including a MonsterClown, Music/MichaelJackson , and a devil worshipper. Duckman had no problem with that last one. |
| 424 | ---> '''Bernice''': Duckman, he was wearing an ''I Heart Satan''-T Shirt! |
| 425 | ---> '''Duckman''': Bernice, I never thought you'd be one to discriminate based on religion. When he's done slaughtering that chicken, he could sue! |
| 426 | ** Fluffy and Uranus give Duckman a test on how to respect women in this new PoliticalOvercorrectness society. It goes about as well as you'd expect. |
| 427 | --->'''Uranus:''' Number one: Females over the age of 18 are often called girls. How should you refer to them?\ |
| 428 | '''Duckman:''' Sweet potato?\ |
| 429 | '''Uranus:''' No!\ |
| 430 | '''Duckman:''' Love socket?\ |
| 431 | '''Uranus:''' No!\ |
| 432 | '''Duckman:''' Box lunch?\ |
| 433 | '''Uranus:''' No! It's womyn! W-O-M-Y-N!\ |
| 434 | '''Fluffy:''' Number two: When you're on a date, when is it okay to kiss her?\ |
| 435 | '''Duckman:''' When her husband's gone?\ |
| 436 | '''Fluffy:''' No!\ |
| 437 | '''Duckman:''' When the sore heals?\ |
| 438 | '''Fluffy:''' No!\ |
| 439 | '''Duckman:''' After she passes out?\ |
| 440 | '''Fluffy:''' No! When she gives you written permission certified by a Regine approved notary public! Let's move on to the word association part of the test.\ |
| 441 | '''Duckman:''' Breasts.\ |
| 442 | '''Uranus:''' Mr. Duckman, we haven't sta-\ |
| 443 | '''Duckman:''' Breasts.\ |
| 444 | '''Fluffy:''' ...Dog.\ |
| 445 | '''Duckman:''' Breasts.\ |
| 446 | '''Fluffy:''' White.\ |
| 447 | '''Duckman:''' Breasts.\ |
| 448 | '''Fluffy:''' Peanut butter.\ |
| 449 | '''Duckman:''' Breasts.\ |
| 450 | '''Fluffy:''' Tanzania.\ |
| 451 | '''Duckman:''' Breasts.\ |
| 452 | '''Fluffy:''' Communism.\ |
| 453 | '''Duckman:''' Breasts.\ |
| 454 | '''Fluffy:''' Music/DollyParton.\ |
| 455 | '''Duckman:''' [[TakeThat Bad hair]]. |
| 456 | |
| 457 | !!Grandma-ma's Flatulent Adventure |
| 458 | * Cornfed's parody of "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" at Grandma-ma's "funeral": |
| 459 | --> '''Cornfed''': Swing low, sweet Grandma-ma, / You're gassin' up in Heaven right now... |
| 460 | |
| 461 | !!The Color of Naught |
| 462 | * When King Chicken is asked why he did his evil plan, he starts to talk but is interrupted by a news bulletin: |
| 463 | --> '''News anchor''': Creator/TimCurry, the celebrated stage and screen actor has been reported missing by the Los Angeles police. A note left at the recording session for tonight's episode of the heavily praised, yet seldom watched, ''Duckman'' series simply said, "I'm going somewhere where they'll never again make me do the speech about how Duckman isolated me as a child so now I'm going to isolate him. Mwa-ha-ha. Buck, buck, buck." Now, back to the program. |
| 464 | |
| 465 | !!Sperms of Endearment |
| 466 | * After Bernice discovers she's been artificially inseminated with Duckman's sperm, Cornfed arrives at the door. |
| 467 | -->'''Duckman:''' Uh, Corny, this isn't really a good-\ |
| 468 | '''Cornfed:''' My contract stipulates I must appear in every episode for at least ten seconds.\ |
| 469 | '''Duckman:''' Oh, alright. Work okay?\ |
| 470 | '''Cornfed:''' Fine.\ |
| 471 | '''Duckman:''' How's the wife?\ |
| 472 | '''Cornfed:''' Not married.\ |
| 473 | '''Duckman:''' Favorite Beatle?\ |
| 474 | '''Cornfed:''' Ringo. You know, [[StatingTheSimpleSolution if you let me stay I can easily solve whatever crisis you may]]-\ |
| 475 | ''(Duckman looks at his watch and slams the door on him)'' |
| 476 | |
| 477 | !!A Room With a Bellevue |
| 478 | * Duckman's [[OverlyLongGag long rant to the two psychiatrists]], perhaps his most epic rant in the entire series: |
| 479 | ---> '''Duckman''': Parking. And driving and shopping and eating and working. Somewhere, somehow, they all got chewed up and spit back out, and they don't taste like living anymore. Don't you see what it's like in this deranged Waring Blender of a world? Every day is an agonizing ordeal, like balancing a pot of scalding water on your head while people whip your legs and butt. ''(nostalgic)'' Ah, you never forget your senior prom. ''(back to annoyed)'' You think I'm sick? Well, the only disease I've got is modern life: A schnut-busting gauntlet of inefficiency and misery that's one long parade of letdowns, put-downs, trickle downs, shutouts, freeze-outs, sellouts, numbnuts, nincompoops and nimrods, all making every day as much fun as waxing a flaming Pontiac with your tongue, where even if you do luck into the possibility of some fleeting pleasure, like say if some nymphomaniac telephone operators with the muscle control of Rumanian mat-slappers agree to a little strip air hockey, it'll be over before it starts, 'cause some vowel-lacking, feta-reeking, cab-jockey slams his Checker up your hatchback, and the cab is owned by some pinata-spanker from a Santeria cult in Xoacalpa who starts shaking chicken bones at you and gives you a boil on your neck so big all it needs is Michael Jordan's autograph to make it complete. And even with all this, ''with all this!'', I ''still'' drag my sorry butt off the Sealy every morning and stick my face in the reaping machine for ''one'' more day, knowing when it's time to flash the cosmic card key at those Pearly Gates, I won't be in the coffin anyway, 'cause some underhanded undertaker sold my heart, pancreas and other assorted Good 'N' Plenty to that same Santeria cult! So, does ''anybody'' really wonder why ''anybody'' is hanging onto sanity by the atoms on the tips of their fingernails while life dirty-dances on their digits, and is it really any wonder that I seem ''de-ranged''?! ({{Beat}}) But...''(chuckles)'' that's probably nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before. |
| 480 | ** At the beginning of the episode, after Duckman oversleeps due to Ajax not waking him up at 7:00 like he asked him to (he was watching the blinking "12:00" on the VCR and thought it was the real time). |
| 481 | --->'''Duckman:''' If I don't call the governor in time with this new evidence I found, they're gonna give a wrongly-accused killer the chair! ''[[BlackComedy (the lights flicker)]]'' [[CrossesTheLineTwice Oh well, back to bed.]]\ |
| 482 | '''Bernice''': Duckman, arent you forgetting something?\ |
| 483 | '''Duckman''': *the lights flicker again* Oh right, his accomplice. |
| 484 | ** Duckman's sitting in traffic and his window's open. A bunch of insects cover his head, and he deadpans, "Note to self: No more meat-flavored cologne." |
| 485 | ** Duckman's hours late for work after sitting in traffic. Two men are in his office, and Duckman immediately assumes they're here to collect money. He pleads for them not to sue, only for Cornfed to correct him: They owe ''him'' money. When Duckman asks how they'll be paying ("cash, cash, or cash"), they refuse. Cornfed points out that they're well within their rights to do so, as the company contract says "The client doesn't have to pay if he doesn't want to." |
| 486 | ---> '''Duckman''': Fine, then YOU write the contracts from now on! ''(notices clock)'' One o'clock already! If I leave now, I can make it to the cleaner's by five! ''(bolts)'' |
| 487 | ** The insane lengths the drycleaning clerk goes to to avoid having to live up to the stores "In By 9, Out By 5" policy. First he just denies that it exists, then tries to stall Duckman until it's after 5, then TEARS THE JACKET so the mending will delay it even further. When Duckman returns by 5, the clerk has just lazily covered up the policy sign and denies that it ever existed. |
| 488 | ** And why he's in the asylum to begin with? For ranting in public ''without a starched collar''. He gets a faceful of mace when he shouts about how idiotic such a law is. |
| 489 | ** Duckman asks a few mental patients if he looks like he fits in among the patients. |
| 490 | ---> '''Patient 1''': Well, an objective mental diagnosis is almost impossible to determine. For a better answer I'd have to ask my imaginary friend, the Great Tontoon.\ |
| 491 | '''Patient 2''': Yeah, I wouldn't know either. *turns head slightly* But ''I'' might!\ |
| 492 | '''Patient 3''': Most though, sheeps have the biggest sinks!\ |
| 493 | '''Duckman''': -__- |
| 494 | |
| 495 | !!Apocalypse Not |
| 496 | * When a huge burst of water is headed for the townspeople in the sewer: |
| 497 | ---> '''Cornfed''': That's either 800 tons of raging destructive flood water, or Rush Limbaugh on rollerblades.\ |
| 498 | '''Bernice''': ''(annoyed)'' Oh will you stop with your dry little pig jokes?\ |
| 499 | '''Cornfed''': Everyone thinks your butt is huge. |
| 500 | ** The mayor, to the townspeople in the sewer: "There's a special place in Hell for those of you who brought dogs." |
| 501 | ** After the townspeople are trapped in the sewer by the mysterious disasters occurring above, we get this exchange. |
| 502 | ---> '''Charles''': This is getting creepy! And we still don't know where dad is. *the sewer is suddenly shaken by an explosion from aboveground* |
| 503 | ---> '''Cornfed''': Though a picture is starting to form... |
| 504 | ** Duckman screwing around with a steamroller. |
| 505 | ---> '''Duckman''': *pops a wheelie* I AM IRON MAN!! |
| 506 | ** After surviving the flood in the sewer, Bernice and the kids encounter, of all things, a BUTLER in one of the sewer pipes, who says he was sent there by the employment agency (his whole purpose is to serve as a RedShirt in a later scene). |
| 507 | ---> '''Bernice''': Why would an employment agency send a butler to a survival drill in a sewer?\ |
| 508 | '''Butler''': It's a very bad employment agency, madam. Canape? |
| 509 | ** While thinking he's the last man on Earth, Duckman engages in some petty revenges by throwing bricks through windows. His victims? The DMV ("Thats for revoking my license!") Cosmo Magazine ("Thats for making women expect an orgasm EVERY DAMN TIME!!), and the Warner Bros Network ("Thats for SUCKING!!"). He also tries to break Gene Siskels windows, but this fails because his house has bulletproof glass. ("Damn you Siskel, you win this round!") |
| 510 | ** "I don't know what faeces are, but they smell like crap!" |
| 511 | |
| 512 | !!Clear and Presidente Danger |
| 513 | |
| 514 | !!The Girls of Route Canal |
| 515 | * Duckman asks numerous airport clerks around the world if they've seen Beatrice. Everyone just shrugs. When he gets to New York City, the clerk merely [[FlippingTheBird gives him the finger.]] |
| 516 | |
| 517 | !!The Mallardian Candidate |
| 518 | * A great RuleOfThree joke: Both Iggy and Cornfed say "conspiracy", which is followed by a three-note dramatic sting. Duckman tries the same thing, but gets silence in response. When he starts talking again, ''then'' the sting interrupts him. He lets out an irritated "Eh..." in response while doing an AsideGlance. |
| 519 | * The conversation between Bernice and the twins that Duckman and Cornfed overhears with their spy equipment about why they have to use a laundromat. |
| 520 | ---> '''Bernice''': The washing machine is broken. If I didn't know better I'd say someone tried to sit on it with the flaps open.\ |
| 521 | '''Mambo''': Why do I think this involves that deranged pervert who calls himself our father?\ |
| 522 | '''Charles''': Except it's hard to imagine that he could sink any lower in his pathetic attempts at fulfilling his grotesque and unspeakable physical needs.\ |
| 523 | '''Duckman''': *back in the van* I can't believe they talk that way behind my back!\ |
| 524 | '''Corned''': It's what they say to your face.\ |
| 525 | '''Duckman''': I know! You'd think they'd at least change a word or two! |
| 526 | ** After Duckman is knocked out and wakes up: |
| 527 | ---> '''Duckman''': Wow! Nothing like getting clubbed by a professional. You wake up clearheaded and refreshed, not like with those sorority girls who think it's ''so'' funny to drop a concrete block on a guy who just spent two hours snaking a periscope through a shower drain. |
| 528 | ** One of the dictators in the audience at Iggy's demonstration of his hypnosis of Duckman is Creator/DavidLetterman. |
| 529 | ** During the brainwashing part, Duckman is told by Ajax, "The human body is not for eating." and later, "The human body is mostly not for eating." |
| 530 | |
| 531 | !!Pig Amok |
| 532 | * Duckman attempting to comfort Miss Liebner at her husband's funeral: |
| 533 | --->'''Duckman''': Your husband was a good man who always put his family first. In fact, it was out of concern for you that he concealed his rampant homosexuality! The last thing he said to me was "Duckman, don't tell my wife" ''[the widow starts bawling]'' He was protecting you, he was afraid you'd think you drove him to it, but you didn't. He said he [[CrossesTheLineTwice stopped caring about you years before he even slept with a man!]] ''[Bernice smacks Duckman into a stained glass window]''\ |
| 534 | '''Bernice''': There there, it's alright. You can take some comfort in knowing that Duckman will be put in a box and buried six feet under some day too. ''Tonight maybe, after he falls asleep!'' |
| 535 | ** While looking for the bathroom, Duckman accidently stumbles into the embalming room, and later staggers back to the funeral parlor with stiff limbs and rouge and makeup on. |
| 536 | ** When Cornfed arrives at the funeral. |
| 537 | --->'''Cornfed:''' [[SayingSoundEffectsOutLoud Pant pant, wheeze, deep breath.]] Pardon my tardiness ladies and gentlemen, I've been vomiting violently all morning, my septum is severely deviated, and I've already passed three- '''EEEEEYAAAAAAA!''' Four, very large kidney stones. Also I've got a bitch of an ice cream headache. Well, I'm sure if Harry could see how many of you came out on this solemn occasion, the first thing he'd say would be ''(Begins convulsing)'' honey horn dog! Butt...bongo ribbed and lubricated for that feel of real!\ |
| 538 | '''Funeral-Goers:''' ''(Gasp)''\ |
| 539 | '''Cornfed:''' Ahem, I'm sorry, that was highly inappropriate. LOOOOIIIIN KING! Rear admiral! Squeal like a pig, '''REEEEE!'''\ |
| 540 | '''Funeral-Goers:''' ''(Gasp)''\ |
| 541 | '''Cornfed:'''...So, uh, we are here in Harry Leibner's honor. On her! Off her! On her, off her, yee-ha, YEE-HA, '''YEE-HAAAA!'''...To share our memories. Memories, mammaries, great big swollen mammaries, meat melons, rib balloons, potent pigs from the past FOR 100 ALEX! |
| 542 | ** Later in the scene: "MASTICATE MY HARD MONKEY POGO!!!" |
| 543 | ** The origin of Cornfed's disease -- it's a curse put upon his family by a tribe of South Pacific tribesmen after his ancestor accidentally insulted the chief's daughter. |
| 544 | ---> '''Documentary Narrator''': While meeting with the village elder, he tells Cornfed "This is my only daughter, isn't she beautiful?" But Cornfed speaks only a little of the tribes language, and interprets it as [[OhCrap "I would consider it a great honor if you pretended to make loud donkey noises and pretend to vomit at my feet"]]. [[{{Understatement}} The results are disastrous.]] |
| 545 | ** The same documentary has a parody of Civil War letters: |
| 546 | ---> '''Ulysses S. Grant''': "I seek a favor, old friend. Relations with the savage tribes of Massapequa are at an impasse, and we are sorely in need of the whale bone mines they control. Our corset industry depends on you, Cornfed. Love to Melville. President Ulysses S. Grant, White House, Washington D.C., E-mail: President@Anachronism.com." |
| 547 | ** When the documentary host is talking about the medicinal explanation of the odd berries Cornfed's ancestor was forcefed, he says you'd have to speak to a doctor or "someone who plays a doctor on TV". Cue one of the actors of the medical soap ''Chicago Hope'' talking about the berries. |
| 548 | |
| 549 | !!The Once and Future Duck |
| 550 | * The various [[FutureMeScaresMe future versions]] of Duckman are hilarious simply because [[NoodleIncident you wonder what on earth led to his]] becoming a psychiatrist (or psychopath), a SassyBlackWoman version of himself, or getting an I-Beam lodged through his skull. |
| 551 | ** Or the Duckman who had Bernice's head transplanted on his body. When he shows up, he looks half dead. |
| 552 | ---> '''Bernice!Duckman''': [[FateWorseThanDeath Kill me, kill me please...]] |
| 553 | ** At one point, UsefulNotes/JamesMadison drops in to clear up some points about the Constitution - Duckman is as shellshocked as the audience. |
| 554 | ** [[NoIndoorVoice I'M NOT FROM ANY PARTICULAR TIME! I'M "SPEAKS UNNATURALLY LOUD DUCKMAN!" WHERE I COME FROM EVERYONE TALKS LIKE THIS."]] Which leads to the one with the I-Beam in his skull popping back up to ask them to keep it down since he's got a splitting headache. |
| 555 | ** Duckman dealing with versions only seconds removed from himself, leading to constantly repeating his panicked reactions. |
| 556 | ** Duckman's about to call a hospital to be locked in a padded room when a 60-year-old version of himself says his future wife is about to call the house at that moment. Duckman hesitates and is about to answer the phone, but then the 70-year-old version appears--warning him the wife eventually tries to murder him. |
| 557 | |
| 558 | !!The One With Lisa Kudrow in a Small Role |
| 559 | |
| 560 | !!Aged Heat |
| 561 | * Duckman attacking the blind man at the beginning of the episode because he assumed he was faking it to get Duckman to let his guard down. |
| 562 | --> '''Man''': My spine... |
| 563 | ** The trail of damage that Duckman leaves in his wake while driving to work in a nervous wreck state. |
| 564 | ---> '''Duckman''': ''(looking in his rear view mirror)'' Hmm, so far, so good. |
| 565 | |
| 566 | !!They Craved Duckman's Brain! |
| 567 | * Duckman is being held hostage by Roland Thompson, and at one point Roland goes to the bathroom during his [[MotiveRant rant]]. Duckman just sits there looking bored, and when Roland exits the bathroom: |
| 568 | --> '''Roland''': Phew! I was afraid while I was in there, you'd escape.\ |
| 569 | ''(Duckman realizes what an idiot he was and [[FacePalm slaps his head]])'' |
| 570 | ** Among the groups associated with Thompson's evil scheme to destroy the cure for cancer are all manner of medical professionals, New Yorkers who need apartments, and the Republican Party. They don't have anything to do with medical care, they just go where the evil is. |
| 571 | ** Thompson's car crashes into a cigarette truck... [[DeathByIrony which traps him and rapidly gives him fatal cancer by having his only air supply being cigarette smoke.]] |
| 572 | ** Dr. Craig Ehrlich wants to harvest an isotope in Duckman's brain that could be a cure for cancer, but that would kill him. He abducts the rest of the family and tests their brains to see if they have the isotope. [[note]]Cornfed's brain is also tested--not because Ehrlich believed he had the isotope, but because he's willing Duckman's partner.[[/note]] They don't have it, but they're there in the lab when Ehrlich tries to get Duckman to agree to the procedure and help the conversation go completely off the rails. |
| 573 | --->'''Ehrlich:''' I know how you feel, Duckman, but [[Film/StarTrekIITheWrathOfKhan a wise man once said]], "TheNeedsOfTheMany outweigh the needs of the few."\ |
| 574 | '''Duckman:''' Hey, that wise man was Mr. Spock, and the only reason he felt that way was because he knew they'd sent his body to the Genesis planet so he could come back to life.\ |
| 575 | '''Cornfed:''' Actually, he thought they were gonna bring him to Vulcan to be reborn.\ |
| 576 | '''Charles:''' Yeah, the Genesis planet was just a happy accident.\ |
| 577 | '''Bernice:''' Y'know, all Picard has to do is send Kirk's body to the Genesis planet. Then he can come back to life.\ |
| 578 | '''Ajax:''' But the Nexus destroyed Kirk's body.\ |
| 579 | '''Mambo:''' Hey, what if they did that slingshot around the sun thing, went back in time a couple of days, and beamed Kirk and Picard some big guns to kill Malcolm [=McDowell=] with.\ |
| 580 | '''Bernice:''' Oh, he was so good in ''Film/TimeAfterTime''.\ |
| 581 | '''Cornfed:''' What about ''[[Film/AClockworkOrange Clockwork Orange]]''?\ |
| 582 | '''Ajax:''' That was awesome.\ |
| 583 | '''Ehrlich:''' [[BigShutUp SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!]] |
| 584 | |
| 585 | !!The Road to Dendron |
| 586 | * Duckman is annoying Ben Stein the bus driver by singing "99 Bottles of Scotch". |
| 587 | ---> '''Ben Stein''': Mr. Duckman, if you can't act with a modicum of decorum on your son's field trip, I'll rip out your heart and feed it to my dingo. [[labelnote:Note]](also funny in this moment: Ben Stein is hitting a bunch of things on the road because he's looking at Duckman the whole time)[[/labelnote]]\ |
| 588 | '''Duckman''': Oh, look at me shaking, Mr. Big Shot Psychiatrist Bus Driver! ''(waves his butt at him)'' Mmm-mmm-mmm!\ |
| 589 | ''(Ben Stein, without changing his deadpan expression, slams on the brakes, sending Duckman flying to the front of the bus. When Duckman wearily stands up, Ben grabs him...)''\ |
| 590 | '''Ben Stein''': Please stand behind the yellow line. ''(kicks Duckman to the back of the bus)'' |
| 591 | ** This bit: |
| 592 | ---> '''Duckman''': (to a woman) Do you know where I can find some hookers?\ |
| 593 | (the woman punches him in the face and walks away)\ |
| 594 | '''Duckman''': Hey, if you don't speak English, just say so! |
| 595 | ** Duckman and Cornfed look for Ajax in a large group of baskets; Duckman finds him, and Cornfed asks how Duckman found him so fast, but quickly pinches his nose and says, "Nevermind." Gets a quick CallBack when Abjeer catches all of them but pinches his nose in disgust: "Oh my GOD!" |
| 596 | ** When Cornfed and Duckman are being hauled through the desert by the guards, they spot Princess Fallopia taking a bath in a waterfall: |
| 597 | ---> '''Cornfed''': [[CaptainObvious I think she's naked.]]\ |
| 598 | '''Duckman''': She wears it well. |
| 599 | ** When Duckman is dragged away by guards: |
| 600 | ---> '''Conrfed''': ''(dancing)'' The princess loves meeee! The princess loves meee! ''(later, Cornfed is tired from dancing)'' Princess... loves mee... ''(falls to the ground)'' What am I doing? Dancing for four days, forgetting about Ajax and Duckman. Why would I behave so carelessly, so unlike myself?\ |
| 601 | '''Narrator''': The password is: "Bad writing."\ |
| 602 | '''Cornfed''': No woman is worth jeopardizing your friends' lives for, except Elle [=MacPherson=] or Julie Moran from [[Series/EntertainmentTonight ET]]. Or Martha Stewart. Mmm. |
| 603 | ** "[[LampshadeHanging Why did I put in that waterslide?]] After them!" |
| 604 | ** "Look! An approaching camel! We've got to somehow swing ourselves onto it as it comes rushing by!" ''(the camel plods REALLY slowly into camera, and Duckman, Cornfed, and Ajax easily hop on its back)'' |
| 605 | * Abjeer's plan is thwarted at the end- when revealing why he kidnapped Ajax, a camel steps in front of the camera, chewing so loudly it drowns him out. |
| 606 | --> '''Abjeer''': ''(after the camel leaves)'' ...And that's why I did it! ''(laughs maniacally as he's dragged away)'' |
| 607 | |
| 608 | !!Exile in Guyville |
| 609 | * The whole story has a FramingDevice where it's being told as a bedtime story to a child in the far future where Duckman is apparently incredibly famous and a pop-culture phenomenon. Becomes a HilariousInHindsight joke considering the shows cancellation after season 4. |
| 610 | ** The fact that ''Duckman'' of all people being considered in any way appropriate for children, which is of course part of the joke. |
| 611 | ** According to one aside comment, baseball is apparently defunct in the future. |
| 612 | * The actual plot begins back at Duckman's office, where Cornfed has an important question for his boss: |
| 613 | --> '''Cornfed''': Duckman, have I ever hurt you, caused you great pain and/or humiliation? |
| 614 | --> '''Duckman''': Not anymore than anyone else, Cornilicious, why? |
| 615 | --> '''Cornfed''': ''[camera pans out, showing that Duckman is using Cornfed as a mannequin, dressing him up in women's lingerie with truly massive breasts]'' ...no reason... |
| 616 | |
| 617 | !!The Longest Weekend |
| 618 | * When Tad Venom tries to torture Duckman and company, he presses the button but it does other things instead, like opening and closing the garage door. |
| 619 | ---> '''Tad''': Damn! Nothing works right since Windows '95! |
| 620 | * North Phlegm and Dutch Elm Street can't agree on the type of table to have the surrender negotiations at, and throw out various odd designs for tables (octangular, rhomboid, tetragon, dodecagon, and trapezohedron). The final design for the table is shaped like an amoeba. |
| 621 | * Duckman copying GeorgePatton's iconic war speech from ''{{Patton}}'', except he's armored up with various kitchen utensils instead of a uniform, and claims that he can't fight with the others because "he's got this thing". |
| 622 | * The huge battle between Phlegm and Elm, with the citizens beating eachother up with various tools and assorted junk. One Elm Street member pours olive oil all over a lawn, freaking out the owner. |
| 623 | * A RunningGag in the episode is how everyone uses Duckman's catchphrase "Dwaaah!" Duckman eventually calls them out on it, and in an instance where he would say "Dwaaah!", he says [[SubvertedCatchphrase "Yikes!"]] instead. |
| 624 | * The episode ends with Duckman celebrating as the only survivor in the ruins of the neighborhood, and the narrator talking about TheGoldenRule and how we need to treat others as we wish to be treated [[BaitAndSwitch so we can lull our enemies into a false sense of security before we wipe them out]]. |
| 625 | |
| 626 | !!The Amazing Colossal Duckman |
| 627 | * Duckman grows to immense sizes as he gets angrier and angrier. Knowing this would get him out of the house, Bernice deliberately sets him off by things like stabbing his foot with a pitchfork and tying his fingers together. Thus, when Duckman says his goodbyes to his family and sets off for his self-imposed exile, [[TheDogBitesBack he flicks Bernice off the roof]]. |
| 628 | ** Duckman's parting advice to his sons consists of "There is nothing an ointment won't cure." |
| 629 | ** After Duckman laments about how being gigantic has made him a freak, Gecko appears standing on his hind legs and smoking a bubble pipe, saying "Are you?" |
| 630 | ** When Duckman first starts growing, Cornfed cautions him against "such an obvious use of steroids". |
| 631 | ** After Duckman has been in exile on the desert island for a few weeks, Cornfed returns and discovers that Duckman has shrunk again with the lack of anything to be gripe about. He's there for less than 5 minutes before Duckman has ranted his way back to his original size. |
| 632 | |
| 633 | !!Cock Tales For Four |
| 634 | * King Chicken and Duckman's huge simultaneous belch (followed by the two laughing hysterically) at the end of act two. |
| 635 | ** Duckman throwing Ajax out of the car on the way to his new girlfriends house, because due to Ajax weird accent, he misunderstands Ajax saying her name, mistaking "Tamy" for [[MistakenForGay "Tommy"]]. Not out of homophobia, but because he's afraid women will think it runs in the family and he has hard enough a time to get women as it is. |
| 636 | * When Honey is making out with Duckman, King Chicken and Bernice walk in on them: |
| 637 | --> '''King Chicken''': What is going ''on'' here?! This is how you carry on a friendship?\ |
| 638 | '''Duckman''': Of course not. [[BadLiar I barely even like her.]] ''(pause)'' Oh, you meant with ''you''. Look, I wouldn't have gone through with it- another 20, 30 minutes, I would've put my foot down. |
| 639 | [[/folder]] |
| 640 | |
| 641 | [[folder:Season 4]] |
| 642 | !!Dammit, Hollywood |
| 643 | * The episode starts with Duckman getting chewed out by moviegoers after seeing ''[[Film/FreeWilly Lickety-Split's Oily Adventure]]'' for, among other things, [[ExcrementStatement urinating on the screen]] while screaming "Swim in ''this'', Lickety!" |
| 644 | --->'''Cornfed:''' On the bright side, they hit you harder in ''[[Film/ALittlePrincess1995 Little Princess]]''. |
| 645 | ** Shortly after that, Duckman goes to complain to the theater manager. |
| 646 | --->'''Duckman:''' Are you the manager?\ |
| 647 | '''Manager:''' No, I beat him senseless with my bare hands, then dumped his cement-laden body into a nearby lake just so I could wear his nametag.\ |
| 648 | '''Duckman:''' ''(beat)'' You're an odd little man, but you got away with a witty retort. |
| 649 | ** After taking over the studio, Duckman gives an interview. |
| 650 | --->'''Duckman:''' In fact, I just moved my family into a house in Bel-Air that used to belong to Merv Griffin.\ |
| 651 | ''[Cut away to said house, where Merv Griffin is angrily knocking on the front door]''\ |
| 652 | '''Duckman:''' Go away! Anyone can say they still live here! |
| 653 | ** The Arnold Schwarzenegger {{Expy}} ''snaps a random guy's neck'' who happens to be in his way while on his way to kill Duckman. Soon after, the sight of him squeezing into a tiny car. |
| 654 | ** The climax, with the Arnold, Sylvester Stallone, and Bruce Willis lookalikes destroying half of L.A. while trying to kill Duckman. But they take a minute to address the audience: |
| 655 | --> '''Arnold''': We radio'd ahead to evacuate the buildings, so no innocent bystanders would be harmed.\ |
| 656 | '''Stallone''': We may destroy, but it doesn't mean we don't care. |
| 657 | ** Also in the climax: "I can't see for..." [[CurseCutShort "SHIIIIIII- !!!"]] |
| 658 | |
| 659 | !!Coolio Runnings |
| 660 | |
| 661 | !!Aged Heat 2: Women in Heat |
| 662 | |
| 663 | !!All About Elliott |
| 664 | * When [[TheChewToy Fluffy and Uranus]] get ''[[IAmAHumanitarian eaten]]'' by Duckman and are left traumatized by the end of it. |
| 665 | --> '''Fluffy and Uranus''': "[[MadnessMantra Please don't eat us, Please don't eat us, Please don't eat us, Please don't eat us]]" |
| 666 | |
| 667 | !!From Brad to Worse |
| 668 | |
| 669 | !!Bonfire of the Panties |
| 670 | * Charles and Mambo's teacher: "Class is over. Please stop learning now." |
| 671 | * Cornfed and Charles/Mambo communicate telepathically, with Cornfed admitting that he doesn't use his power very often because of a traumatic incident years ago. Flashback to Cornfed meeting Willard Scott and shaking his hand, only to convulse when he reads Scott's apparently disturbing thoughts. |
| 672 | ** [[HairTriggerTemper "DAMN. STUPID. OXYGEN!!!"]] |
| 673 | ** This out-of-nowhere moment: |
| 674 | ---> '''Ben Franklin''': The jig is up! Run, wastebasket, run! |
| 675 | |
| 676 | !!Role With It |
| 677 | * Cornfed ends up having to drive cross-country with Fluffy and Uranus. He rejoins the rest of the group, looking rather crazed and the duo nowhere in sight. |
| 678 | --->'''Duckman:''' Glove compartment?\ |
| 679 | '''Cornfed:''' Tailpipe. I gave the valet $10 to wait a while before he prys them out. |
| 680 | ** The therapy session almost immediatly devolves into everyone tearing apart eachother, and eventually ganging up on Duckman. |
| 681 | ** When the therapist asks Ajax what his idea of the pefect family is, we see a fantasy sequence of Ajax being Joe's long lost brother on ''Series/{{Wings}}'' (complete with RogerRabbitEffect.) |
| 682 | --> '''Cornfed''': He's in Nantucket, again... |
| 683 | ** Duckman's shockingly offensive behavior around the Indian casino staff, even for him. To start with, the first thing he does after getting out of the car is to do a mock war dance, then a joke around the word "reservation" and it just gets worse from there. |
| 684 | ---> '''Manager''': Sorry to interrupt your grotesque cultural stereotype, but may I help you with something? Finding an exit, perhaps, or showing you how soap works? |
| 685 | ** Also, Duckman has apparently misunderstood exactly what the oppression of Native Americans was, and has confused it with the slave trade in the South. |
| 686 | ** When Duckman complains about his steak being undercooked ("IT'S GOT MORE PINK THAN [[Film/{{Showgirls}} SHOWGIRLS!")]] the waiter takes it back to the kitchen, and we hear all manner of disgusting things being done to it. When it comes back out, it's rather disleveled, but Duckman apparently likes this one better. |
| 687 | ** When the family disintegrates during the therapy session, even Charles and Mambo don't want to speak with each other anymore, which is problematic since they share a body. |
| 688 | |
| 689 | !!Ajax and Ajaxer |
| 690 | * This: |
| 691 | -->'''Duckman:''' Why, I bet a kid, [[AntiRoleModel thinking I was a role model]] and wanting to imitate my behavior, could easily steal sodas from a vending machine... too. ''DO IT! [[NoFourthWall Do it now, kids!]] Stick it to the man! [[EvilLaugh HAHAHAHA]]!!''\ |
| 692 | ''(Cornfed is handed some Censor Notes)''\ |
| 693 | '''Cornfed:''' "But of course, [[AndThatWouldBeWrong that would be wrong]]." |
| 694 | |
| 695 | !!With Friends Like These |
| 696 | * [[{{Catchphrase}} "Uh... what?"]] ''(audience laughter/applause)'' |
| 697 | |
| 698 | !!A Trophied Duck |
| 699 | |
| 700 | !!A Star is Abhorred |
| 701 | * Bernice's musical suggestions [[TakeThat get shot down]]. |
| 702 | --> '''Bernice''': I'd like to start off with a song by one of our country's finest natural resources: Mr. Music/MarvinHamlisch.\ |
| 703 | ''*the crowd panics*''\ |
| 704 | '''MC''': Sorry, lady, we don't have any Hamlisch.\ |
| 705 | ''*the crowd returns to their seats*''\ |
| 706 | '''Bernice''': Then, perhaps something by, I don't know, Creator/AndrewLloydWebber?\ |
| 707 | ''*another, even bigger panic*''\ |
| 708 | '''MC''': No Webber! No Webber!\ |
| 709 | ''*back to normal again*'' |
| 710 | * Bernice discovers she's a pretty good rock singer when she's angry at Duckman. Cut to her in-concert where [[EscalatingPunchline Duckman holds up a series of signs detailing what he did to her toothbrush so she'll sing angrier]]. |
| 711 | ** Not just the toothbrush stuff, it also includes other irresponsible and terrible behavior. |
| 712 | --> '''Sign''': ''I forgot Grandmama in Cleveland!'' |
| 713 | |
| 714 | !!Bev Takes a Holiday |
| 715 | |
| 716 | !!Love! Anger! Kvetching! |
| 717 | |
| 718 | !!Duckman and Cornfed in Haunted Society Plumbers |
| 719 | * The ridiculously long name of Duckman and Cornfed's business, which they repeat many times: A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-1 Plumbing. |
| 720 | ---> '''Duckman''': [[LampshadeHanging Come on, we don't even have a plot yet.]] |
| 721 | ** The ending, where a BedsheetGhost scares away Duckman and Cornfed to eat their donuts and is revealed to be none other than [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Homer Simpson]]. |
| 722 | --->'''Homer:''' [[BorrowedCatchphrase What the hell are you staring at?]] |
| 723 | ** Even better, the end credits feature audio bloopers of Homer saying the line wrong. |
| 724 | |
| 725 | !!Ebony, Baby |
| 726 | * Duckman asks Ebony about the constant, antiquated 1970's blaxploitation dialogue she uses. |
| 727 | --> '''Ebony''': [[LampshadeHanging White writers...]] |
| 728 | |
| 729 | !!Vuuck, as in Duck |
| 730 | |
| 731 | !!Crime, Punishment, War, Peace, and the Idiot |
| 732 | |
| 733 | !!Kidney, Popsicle and Nuts |
| 734 | |
| 735 | !!The Tami Show |
| 736 | |
| 737 | !!My Feral Lady |
| 738 | * While trying to civilize the feral mail-order bride, Cornfed introduces her to such foreign concepts as soap and eating utensils. She keeps looking to Duckman for clarification, only for him to be just as stumped as she is. |
| 739 | |
| 740 | !!Westward, No! |
| 741 | * Big Jack Macbastards UnexplainedRecovery during the climax, despite having been trampled to death by Duckman's horse, then devoured by vultures down to the skeleton in seconds. |
| 742 | --> '''Duckman''': How are you alive?! |
| 743 | --> '''Big Jack''': [[TheUnreveal Long story...]] |
| 744 | * The sheer FailedAttemptAtDrama during Duckman and Cornfeds duel at high noon, waiting for the town clock to strike 12... which never happens. Cue the two looking increasingly awkward as the last minute never seems to pass. |
| 745 | --> '''Mook''': Hey, my watch says 2:30! The clock must've stopped! |
| 746 | --> '''Duckman''': Shoddy American workmanship! |
| 747 | |
| 748 | !!Short, Plush and Deadly |
| 749 | * Cornfed is left completely helpless after being stung by a swarm of insects and bashed over the head with a tree branch (And a tree) by Duckman, and his attempts to get Duckman to help him are all in vein. |
| 750 | -->'''Cornfed:''' Duckman, listen carfully. I've only got a few seconds before my body swells up and I'm unable to speak or move. Luckily, you can fabricate the antidote using that moss over- ''(Duckman covers his mouth)''\ |
| 751 | '''Duckman:''' Save your strength, dear one. Don't spoil my last memory of you by spewing some delirious stream-of-consciousness gobbeldygook. Oh Corny, please, for once have some dignity. You owe me that much. ''(Cornfed's head inflates to several times its size)'' Hey, nice face, Corn...for Mardi Gras!\ |
| 752 | '''Cornfed:''' ''(Muffled gibberish)''\ |
| 753 | '''Duckman:''' What, old pal. What are you trying to say? "Thank you for being my friend"?\ |
| 754 | '''Cornfed:''' ''(Thinking)'' If I wasn't blind, paralyzed and almost dead, I'd be wearing your sphincter as a shoe. |
| 755 | ** After the two escape an enraged, mutated Fluffy and Uranus down a waterfall... |
| 756 | --->'''Cornfed:''' ''(Muffled gibberish)''\ |
| 757 | '''Duckman:''' Poor Cornfed. I'd bet you'd have some helpful suggestion, if only there were some way for me to hear what you were thinking.\ |
| 758 | '''Cornfed:''' ''(Thinking)'' Kill Duckman, kill Duckman, kill Duckman. |
| 759 | ** Duckman forcing Fluffy and Uranus to carry him and Cornfed around to look for a camp site, and keeps rejecting locations for reasons such as "too hilly", "too flat" and "too perfect". |
| 760 | ** Duckman makes such a nusiance of himself at the original campsite that a park ranger forces him to leave because they've gotten complaints from "every living thing within 50 miles". |
| 761 | |
| 762 | !!How to Suck in Business Without Really Trying |
| 763 | * Duckman sells his ''entire identity'' for [[ComicallySmallBribe a thousand dollars!]] And he's convinced this means he's "made it". |
| 764 | |
| 765 | !!You've Come a Wrong Way, Baby |
| 766 | * There's a moment when Duckman and Agnes are on the lam, handcuffed together, and Agnes hurts herself and can't go on. Duckman decides to lift her and carry her, but she misinterprets it at first: |
| 767 | ---> '''Agnes''': No offense, Duckman, but I'm not in the mood for sex. |
| 768 | ** Tony Randall's appearance at the end, complete with a "footnote" from the producers saying that his voice is being impersonated [[note]]by Creator/MauriceLaMarche[[/note]] because "Mr. Randall never returned our phone calls." |
| 769 | ** The scene where Bernice catches Charles and Mambo smoking and has a despairing breakdown, complete with OneWomanWail, like she just found them dead or something. |
| 770 | ** The ridiculous anti-smoking propaganda Bernice wants produced, such as replacing cigarette mascots with "Sammy Strokeface" or "The Cancer-Ridden Clown", and digitally replacing cigarettes in old movies with carrots. |
| 771 | ** The pro-smoking lobbyists who presents cigarettes as social samaritans that fund parks and schools with their taxes, when in reality those taxes have to basically be wrenched out of their grubby hands at gunpoint. |
| 772 | ** Tobacco executive Walt Evergreen, in a reference to ''Film/TheFugitive'', lists every place that should be searched for Duckman and Agnes. |
| 773 | --->'''Walt:''' Okay people, listen up. I want a hard target search of every outhouse, beach house, warehouse, boathouse, smokehouse, clubhouse, ice house, hot house, white house, crack house, bathhouse, doghouse, cat house, reptile house, halfway house, slaughterhouse, haunted house, gingerbread house and Joe Eszterhas in the tri-swamp area. And people, I want 'em brought back alive...aw, who am I kidding, this is the DeepSouth. Let's bring 'em back dead! |
| 774 | |
| 775 | !!Hamlet 2: This Time, It's Personal |
| 776 | * Duckman walks into the living room, and runs into Ajax, Charles and Mambo dressed up as clowns. |
| 777 | --> '''Duckman''': I can only hope that you're just homicidal maniacs come to butcher me and my family, and not my boys dressed up as ''clowns!'' |
| 778 | --> '''Mambo''': Hey dad! |
| 779 | --> '''Duckman''': *sobbing* NO!! |
| 780 | * The story is told by Cornfed to his psychiatrist, who's confused why Cornfed keeps making period stops in the story (for commercial breaks). |
| 781 | ** He's also utterly shocked that Cornfed is Duckman's partner, as many of his patients are people who've been traumatized just meeting the guy. |
| 782 | |
| 783 | !!Das Sub |
| 784 | * Duckman making a complete mockery of his trial, and the judge getting angrier and angrier. First of all, his defense is nothing but him listing the plot for the various ''Film/{{Leprechaun}}'', ''Film/PuppetMaster'' and ''Film/ManiacCop'' movies, and he keeps adressing the jury despite the fact that this is a ''civil trial'' and thus there is no jury. |
| 785 | ---> '''Judge''': For the NINETEENTH TIME, there IS no jury!! ''(points to the jury stand which is empty)''\ |
| 786 | '''Duckman''': ''(pauses, covers one eye with his hand, then uncovers it)'' Man, I knew I was drunk, but I must be ''DRUNK''! |
| 787 | ** Also, one of his defense strategies is ripping off ''Film/MiracleOnThirtyFourthStreet'', with a bunch of bags of letters hauled into the courtroom: |
| 788 | ---> '''Duckman''': Letters! Thousands of 'em, delivered to my house, and addressed to a man who would ''never'' commit fraud: Santa!\ |
| 789 | '''Judge''': Even if this ''were'' relevant, which it isn't, these aren't addressed to Santa, you idiot, they're addressed to ''Satan''!\ |
| 790 | '''Duckman''': ''(examines a letter)'' ...Stupid post office. |
| 791 | ** The judge finally gets sick of Duckman's disrespectful and nonsensical behavior and sentences him to 4000 hours of community service, and tells the bailiff to shoot him unless Duckman is gone in 15 seconds. |
| 792 | ** Duckman realizes his community service is at Malthis High School, an underfunded, dilapidated DustbinSchool in the middle of a miserable slum... which is only half a block from his house. |
| 793 | ---> '''Cornfed''': Yeah, the commute's a breeze.\ |
| 794 | '''Duckman''': Suh-weet. |
| 795 | ** Duckman thinks 4000 hours of community service is 45 minutes. Cornfed points out it's more like 8 months. |
| 796 | --> '''Duckman''': WHAT?! Damn metric system... |
| 797 | ** When Duckman reports to the principal's office to find out where his classroom is, he has to talk to a foreign administrative assistant instead, who knows very little English and only responds with "Yes!" and "Hi!" Duckman quickly runs with this: |
| 798 | ---> '''Duckman''': DUCKMAN! I USED TO HAVE ROUGH SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER! TRUCK DRIVERS WOULD PAY TO WATCH!\ |
| 799 | '''Man''': Yes! |
| 800 | ** This string when Duckman first meets the class he has to teach for community service: |
| 801 | ---> '''Duckman''': You're lucky I never hit a lady who makes my Noam Chomsky.\ |
| 802 | '''Student 1''': Degrading sexist remark noted!\ |
| 803 | '''Duckman''': Ohhhhh yeah. Who's real ''now'', Dexter? This scene is real gone, baby. I am, into, it ''all'', dig? Ohhh, hep, ''very'', hep.\ |
| 804 | '''Student 2''': ....Do you need a shot of insulin or something?\ |
| 805 | '''Duckman''': I don't DO that crap. I'm clean. What are ''you'' into, hmmm? Shiners? Boom-booms? Rippos? Calistogan canoe wax? Sinuvian swamp weed? Latter-batter? Bud bugs? Spot foxy? Or is... booger-sugar your "lady"? |
| 806 | ** Duckman insists on treating his community service like the movie ''Film/DangerousMinds''. In his defense, the school IS a dilapidated slum. Unfortunatly, the class HE'S teaching are all college-bound honor students. |
| 807 | ** When Duckman lands the students in jail, Cornfed comes to bail them out and claims Duckman feels bad about what he did, and that he'll do anything to make it right. |
| 808 | ---> '''Student''': He'll admit the break-in was his idea?\ |
| 809 | ''(looooong deadpan stare from Cornfed, and finally...)''\ |
| 810 | '''Cornfed''': Some good news... |
| 811 | |
| 812 | !!Where No Duckman Has Gone Before |
| 813 | * Duckman noting he's going to give new meaning to the phrase "captain's log", [[ToiletHumour "if you get my drift. And if you get too close, you will."]] |
| 814 | |
| 815 | !!Four Weddings Inconceivable |
| 816 | |
| 817 | [[/folder]] |
| 818 | |
| 819 | [[folder:''Duckman: The Graphic Adventures Of A Private Dick'' (PC Game)]] |
| 820 | * Duckman discovering that his favorite strip club has been closed down and turned into a bathroom fixture store. When he complains to the store owner, he says that the club closed because the health inspector found more bacteria in there than a port-a-potty at a Music/GratefulDead concert. Duckman then complains that the club owner still owed him money for letting the owners ugly sister give him a "scratchy lap dance". |
| 821 | ** You have to defeat the Asian owner in an insult contest. Problem is, you have to do it in his language, which Duckman doesn't know and has to make guesses based on random words he got a handful of fortune cookie phrases from a Chinese takeout meal. |
| 822 | ** The Asian owner's name happens to be [[PunnyName Hung Lo]], with one conversation having Duckman ask about his name. |
| 823 | -->'''Duckman:''' So, your name is Hung Lo.\ |
| 824 | '''Hung Lo:''' Yes. Are you asking if I can go fishing without a pole, if I can stand by myself or if I could give [[YourMom your mother]] a lift?\ |
| 825 | '''Duckman:''' No, I just wanted to know if you were related to the Swedish porn star Sweden Lo. |
| 826 | * The ridiculous amusement park/pizzeria based on Dante's Inferno that Duckman has to operate for part of the game. |
| 827 | * Duckman attempts to sabotage the New Duckman's career by replacing the original tape with a recording from a phone sex line, then putting the recording in the New Duckman Talking Action Figure. This backfires when the public turns out to love the idea of a foul-mouthed toy, something that has never worked for the real Duckman. |
| 828 | * The goal of a long quest chain revolves around getting put on the security guards list at the production studio so he'll let you past. Once you finish it... the guard decides that Duckman looks trustworthy and says he'll just let him in. Duckman is so infuriated that he went through all that for nothing that he forces the guard to look at the list. |
| 829 | * When King Chicken turns out to be the culprit yet again, Duckman lampshades that he should really see that coming by now. |
| 830 | * The NonstandardGameOver you get if you have the characters [[ReentryScare burn up on re-entry]] after escaping King Chicken's space station at the end. Cornfed tells you "its not that kind of game" and rewinds to just before. |
| 831 | * The game is narrated by Cornfed who is stranded in a trench on a war-torn battlefield, and only briefly states at the start that it's Duckman's fault that he's out there, but it never comes up in the game... that is, until a PostCreditsScene, where we find out that Cornfed is actually on a ''movie set'', and is playing a role there while the original Duckman set is rebuilt. |
| 832 | |
| 833 | [[/folder]] |
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