Line #34 Funny/DemolitionMan


1	* The statement of a little girl that Spartan saved while blowing up a mini-mall in the process.
2	-->'''Reporter:''' How can you justify destroying a $7 million mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000?\
3	'''Girl:''' Fuck ''you'', lady!\
4	'''Spartan:''' ''[laughs impressed]'' ...Good answer!
5	* The scene where Phoenix first uses a computer. The [[ButtMonkey man]] using it before him tells the computer that he feels that nobody likes him, the computer gives him spirit-lifting compliments. Then Phoenix grabs him and pushed him out of the way, making him bump into a couple of ladies. The man ApologizesALot, but the women shake their heads at him as if he's the rudest person they know.
6	** Then Phoenix starts racking up fines for swearing, eventually beeping angrily right back at the machine.
7	*** The machine fines him for beeping back at it!
8	* Phoenix sees some Asian tourists and mutters some ChingChong-sounding gibberish just because it seemed funny. It's like the movie saw the need to remind the audience that a maniac who kills innocent people for fun wouldn't draw the line at racism.
9	* After stealing some guns from the museum, Phoenix asks a computer terminal about a high-tech weapon he's just seen. Two guards walk up and politely ask him to stop, and he cuts them both down in one shotgun blast. Without turning to look at them or pausing in his conversation with the computer.
10	-->'''Phoenix:''' So, what, it needs batteries? What size? I mean, where the fuck do you find batteries in the future? What, is there a battery store around, motherfucker?\
11	'''Machine:''' (faintly) [[RunningGag You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute...]]\
12	'''Guard:''' Excuse me, museum patron. Can I -- ''[Phoenix kills the guards]''\
13	'''Phoenix:''' What, where's the Radio Shack?
14	* The ACMAG gun finishes charging mid-fight with Spartan, so he immediately uses it; cue massive explosion and Phoenix forgetting everything to {{Squee}} over his new toy.
15	-->"Holy ''shit'', I '''LOVE''' this gun! God''damn''!"
16	* Spartan doing a FacePalm when he finds out just what passes for popular music in San Angeles, while Garcia and Huxley cheerfully sing along to the "Armour Hot Dogs" jingle:
17	-->"...Somebody put me back in the fridge."
18	* Really, a fair bit of Phoenix's screen time is hilarious; it's hard to remember how much of a CompleteMonster he is because he's just ''so damn funny''.
19	* ''"You're on '''TV!!"''''' [[UnSoundEffect television!]] Such a corny line, and yet there's nothing better you can possibly yell before smacking someone with a TV set (just ahead of [[VerbThis "Watch this!]]" or "[[Film/GrossePointeBlank Popcorn!]]").
20	* Meet Lenina Huxley, mistress of the {{malaproper}}.
21	-->"He finally matched his meet. You really licked his ass!"
22	* This bit with Spartan is worth a chuckle as well.
23	-->'''Spartan:''' Huxley, this isn't "The Wild West"! The ''Wild West'' wasn't even "The Wild West"! Hurting people's not a ''good'' thing! [{{Beat}}] ...Well, ''sometimes'' it is, but not when it's a bunch of people looking for something to eat!
24	* President Schwarzenegger Library, to begin with. In real life, Creator/ArnoldSchwarzenegger has held political office [[note]]Governor of California[[/note]] and, in 2013, '''''DID''''' actually lobby for an amendment which WOULD allow him to run for President!
25	* Any time the swear-machine goes off, leading to...
26	-->'''Cocteau:''' Be well.\
27	'''Spartan:''' Be fucked.\
28	'''Machine:''' John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute--\
29	'''Spartan:''' [[ShutUpHannibal Shoots the machine, making Associate Bob faint]]
30	** Spartan gets caught in a loop where every time he's issued a fine, he swears, and is issued another fine...
31	** And proof of DevelopersForesight in future San Angeles:
32	--->'''Huxley:''' ''(under her breath)'' Sanctimonious asshole.\
33	'''Machine:''' Lenina Huxley, you are fined one-half credit for a ''sotto voce'' violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
34	** Pay close attention to the scene where Phoenix shows up in Cocteau's apartment. When Phoenix argues that "You can't take away people's right to be assholes," [[{{Hypocrite}} there's no machine there to fine him for it]].
35	* Phoenix opens a manhole and...
36	-->"Shit! I LOVE that smell! Reminds me of biscuits and gravy!"
37	* Finding out which fast food chain won the sole victor of the so-called "Franchise Wars", leaving it the ''only'' restaurant chain left in existence. In the American version it's Taco Bell, in international versions it was Pizza Hut, in other versions its name is a mystery. The notion all by itself, even in the year of this film's release, is too absurd not to laugh at.
38	* Future sex. It's not as fun as the real thing.
39	-->'''Huxley:''' You mean ''fluid transfer''!?
40	** Followed by her kicking Spartan out of her apartment, in the least literal way possible:
41	--->'''Huxley:''' "You are a savage creature, John Spartan, and I wish you to leave my domicile now."\
42	''indignantly points at the door and stomps her foot like a 6-year-old''\
43	'''Spartan:''' "I... You--"\
44	''Huxley silently repeats the same gesture again''
45	* Spartan meets Edgar Friendly face to face in the sewers and Edgar explains Cocteau's problem with him.
46	-->'''Edgar:''' "You see, according to Cocteau's plan, I'm the enemy, 'cause I like to think; I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I WANT high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and BUCKETS of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-o all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? I've SEEN the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener"."
47	** Made even better when you realize the entire diatribe is something right out of Creator/DenisLeary's standup routine. This is supported by the fact one of Friendly's men [[{{Corpsing}} can't keep a straight face during his rant]].
48	* Huxley's giddy excitement over the fact that Phoenix has stolen her squad car and she and Spartan have to chase it down.
49	** Followed promptly by Spartan throwing Phoenix out of it and then crashing it into a fountain:
50	--->'''Spartan:''' Brake. Brake! BRAKE NOW, YOU MICKEY MOUSE PIECE OF SHIIIIIIT!
51	** And right afterward, after Huxley breaks him out of the "Secure Foam" that filled the car to protect him from injury:
52	--->'''Spartan:''' What the hell happened? All of a sudden, this car turned into a cannoli!
53	* And Spartan exploiting the Swear-O-Meters for toilet paper because he can't figure out those damned seashells.
54	-->'''Spartan:''' Thanks a lot, you [[ClusterFBomb shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball-breaking, duck-fucking pain in the ass]]. [smirks at the entire force] So much for the seashells. I'll see you in a few minutes.
55	* Spartan, upon being informed that his uniform is torn after a fight.
56	-->'''Huxley:''' Look at you, you're in shambles!\
57	'''Spartan:''' Don't worry, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread.\
58	'''Huxley:''' (nods) Oh.\
59	{{Beat}}\
60	'''Spartan:''' [[DidIJustSayThatOutLoud I really didn't say that, did I?]] Damn it!
61	** This [[BrickJoke pays off an earlier joke]] that one of the cryogenic skills Spartan assimilated while frozen was knitting.
62	* Rob Schneider's character Erwin gets some good moments:
63	** Answering a 911 call in a [[FunnyBackgroundEvent Funny Foreground Event]]: "Greetings and salutations. Welcome to the San Angeles Emergency Line. If you would like an automated response, please press '1' now."
64	** This gem as he and the rest of the San Angeles Police watch Phoenix wipe out the officers sent to subdue him:
65	--->'''Erwin:''' We're police officers! We're not trained to handle this kind of violence!
66	** He laughs at Spartan not knowing how to use the three seashells, only for Spartan to give him a look which immediately changes his tune. Schneider's timing and delivery are ''perfect''.
67	--->...I can see how that could be confusing.
68	* Spartan obtains a burger and a bottle of beer in Edgar Friendly's base. Which is in the sewers. Base of the same rebels who stole food from Taco Bell in one of the previous scenes. Despite everything, he still calls it [[OverlyNarrowSuperlative the best burger he had in years.]]
69	-->'''Lenina:''' Just don't ask them where the meat comes from.
70	* The straitlaced Officer Alfredo Garcia happily joining Edgar Friendly and the Scraps, after being injured in an attempt to stop Phoenix from killing Friendly:
71	-->'''Spartan:''' Well, look at you. You get a bump on the noggin and you think you're Pancho Villa?\
72	'''Garcia:''' Who?\
73	'''Spartan:''' Never mind.
74	* Garcia even earns a bit of respect from Spartan at the end, after Spartan tells the cops and Scraps to work together in reforming San Angeles:
75	-->'''Garcia:''' ''(enthusiastically)'' Fuckin' A!\
76	'''Spartan:''' Well put.

Context Funny / DemolitionMan