Line #41 FanFic/HarryPotterAndTheSomethingSomething


1	->''"Our story begins, as so many stories tend to do, during the summer between [[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheOrderOfThePhoenix Fifth]] and [[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheHalfBloodPrince Sixth Year]]. This is most likely due to popular consensus saying that this was about the point where the series started to suck, and therefore makes it the most appropriate time to diverge from canon. Or it could be because all the important characters are now at a fairly acceptable age to start having sex. One or the other."''
2	--> – The opening paragraph, [[EstablishingSeriesMoment setting the tone right away]]
3
4	''[[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7191459/1/Harry_Potter_and_the_Something_Something Harry Potter and the Something Something]]'' is a ''Literature/HarryPotter'' mockfic by Legendary Legacy hosted on Website/FanFictionDotNet, aiming to mock most ''Harry Potter'' fanfiction [[{{Cliche}} clichés]].
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6	One summer day Harry wakes up, but something seems wrong... Namely, someone has tied him to the bed with an enormous length of chain. So begins the tale, where Harry seems to have wandered into a strange reality; where Draco's a veela in love with him, the Dursleys are worse than Voldemort, his best friends are "a couple of greedy, jealous, power-hungry, self-serving, backstabbing gits", and Dumbledore's a villain with a [[DidIJustSayThatOutLoud broken]] InnerMonologue.
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8	Also, people keep [[BullyingADragon bothering the Dark Lord]] for some reason.
9
10	----
11	!!''Harry Potter and the Something Something'' provides examples of:
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13	* AdaptationalAttractiveness: Snape is noted to be quite sexy, having lost his greasy hair, ugly nose and eyes, etc. Harry recognizes that this shouldn't be the case, and assumes AWizardDidIt, but Snape claims he was always sexy. As with many things, this is played for laughs.
14	* AlcoholInducedIdiocy: Apparently, the reason Sirius, Lily, and James ''each'' made a marriage contract for Harry was that they were drunk.
15	* BrickJoke: Chapter 10 reveals that Ron is stuck partnering with Neville because [[spoiler: all of Neville's supplies are [[ItMakesSenseInContext doing 25 to life in Azkaban for premeditated murder]]. Neville's trunk was seen being put in its cell at the end of Chapter 5]].
16	* ButICantBePregnant: Harry gains an UnwantedHarem, including {{OC Stand In}}s Su Li and Blaise Zabini. Everyone refuses to believe that Zabini, commonly assumed in {{Fanon}} to be a girl pre-''Half-Blood Prince'', is in fact a boy. When Dumbledore spikes the harem's drinks with some sort of pregnancy spell, Zabini just looks at his several discarded drinks in utter horror.
17	-->'''Dumbledore:''' ''(happily)'' Oh my, triplets for Ms. Zabini.
18	* ChekhovsGunman: After pretty much [[PutOnABus disappearing]] from the story after Chapter 3, [[spoiler: Tracey Davis is made the leader of Hogwarts' forces at the very end of Chapter 10]].
19	* DidIJustSayThatOutLoud: Dumbledore speaks out loud whenever he tries to think quietly about his evil plans. Fortunately for him, Harry just ignores him.
20	-->''Perhaps this is for the best. Harry could work out much better for my master plan than Daniel, anyway. After spending his whole life abused and unloved, his need for attention and affection will have him following my every word without question. It's perfect!''\
21	'''Dumbledore:''' That wasn't out loud again, was it?\
22	'''[=McGonagall=]:''' It was, Albus.
23	* DontLikeDontRead: Parodied, of course, in the first chapter's header.
24	-->Don't like? Read anyway. And then bitch to me about it when you're done. It's not like you have anything better to do with your time, right?
25	* DreamSequence: After Sirius' will is conducted while Harry was in jail (for about 15 minutes), Dumbledore informs Harry that he now has 4 wives, one of whom is clearly male. His brain shuts down and falls into oblivion, and the narration starts describing a dream sequence. Harry, having enough, interrupts and tells it to stop ruining his unconsciousness.
26	-->'''All right, all right, fine! Just don't complain to me when tragedy strikes and you're not prepared to prevent it!'''\
27	Harry sighed happily, and snuggled back into the now truly completely normal oblivion.
28	* FanonDiscontinuity: [[invoked]] Referenced in the opening paragraph: Most fan fic seems to split off somewhere between the fifth and sixth books, due to popular consensus that this was when the series started to suck (''or'' because most of the characters would be at an acceptable age to start having sex).
29	* GenderBender: Harry simply wakes up female in chapter 8. Snape claims Harry has always been a girl, and is his daughter, but that he and Lily kept Harry under an illusion for most of his life.
30	* HilariouslyAbusiveChildhood: As part of the parody, Harry's parents may not be dead... but instead only love Daniel, who they think is the real boy who lived, and completely ignore Harry. [[spoiler:Until Daniel dies and everyone realises ''Harry'' is the true Boy Who Lived, at which point the mother suddenly puts all the blame on the dad.]] The Dursleys' abuse is also exaggerated.
31	-->"I don't know, Uncle Vernon. I mean, you're already allowing me only the barest minimal necessities for keeping me alive. You're also beating me on a four times a day basis, five times on Saturday since it's your day off, plus the beatings that Dudley and his friends give me whenever they feel like it. Also, I've never been allowed to properly tend to any of the wounds I've received from those beatings, so my body's probably heavily infected in multiple places right now. You killed my owl and then forced me to cook her for your supper, and then beat me because she was too salty. I could honestly die any day now of starvation, dehydration, overexertion, or a combination of all three. The jury's still out on whether or not I've contracted cancer from that toxic waste you dumped on me the other day, and let's not forget that I'm also mentally scarred, not just from all the verbal abuse I take from you three, but also from seeing my godfather, the last remaining family I have that cared about me even the slightest bit, killed right in front of me not so long ago. I can honestly say that my life sucks about as hard as is metaphorically possible already and, off the top of my head, can't think of a single way that you could make it worse short of murdering the rest of my friends in front of me."\
32	\
33	Vernon thought about that for a moment, making a mental note to return that toxic waste barrel to the dump before Dudley started eating it. There had to be something he could do to further torment the boy. What else did he have to live for if he couldn't fulfill such sadistic pleasures anymore?\
34	\
35	Then an idea came to him. "[[CrossesTheLineTwice Well, what if I were to violate you sexually]]?"\
36	\
37	"...Well, there you go: that would do it," Harry said with a firm certainty.
38	* IKnowMortalKombat: The common fan declaration that Ron's chess skills in the first book mark him as a potential master tactician gets a bit of ribbing where Ron claims he should be a commander because of it. Harry, needless to say, points out that being good at chess has little to do with being a good commander.
39	* InnerMonologue: Dumbledore tries to do have some, but he keeps [[DidIJustSayThatOutLoud speaking aloud]].
40	* LovePotion: Ginny tries to give one to Harry (disguised as a butterbeer) when she finds out that he's [[spoiler:really the Boy Who Lived]]. Before that, she uses one on him as a test before she uses on Daniel; unfortunately, the harpy's blood in the potion had to be Type A Positive lest the subject be poisoned instead.
41	* LudicrousGibs: The result of [[spoiler: Daniel]] being hit by a runaway trunk and thrown onto the rails ''just'' as the Hogwarts Express arrives.
42	* LukeIAmYourFather:
43	** Hermione turns out to be the lovechild of Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange.
44	** Harry somehow turns out to be Snape's ''[[GenderBender daughter.]]''
45	* ManIFeelLikeAWoman: Hilariously, Harry's ''reflection'' gets wolfish after the GenderBender, while Harry herself is simply annoyed, both at the transformation and the reflection's antics. And then, of course, Harry gets over it and can't look away from herself long enough to listen to Hermione's explanations.
46	* MisterSeahorse: Poor Blaise Zabini ends up pregnant ''with triplets'' after he unknowingly drank three drinks spiked with pregnancy potions.
47	* OhMyGods: Harry occasionally swears by famous witches and wizards. ("NO! [[Film/TheWizardOfOz Glinda the Good Witch]], NO!")
48	* OnlySaneMan:
49	** Harry, who seems to have been living in the canonical Harry Potter world until the start of the story. The various background characters also tend to act with a fair amount of sanity. Hilariously, this includes [[{{Cloudcuckoolander}} Luna]].
50	** To a lesser degree, [=McGonagall=].
51	* ParentalAbandonment: Lily and James abandoned Harry after Daniel defeated Voldemort when they were babies, because they decided that they only had enough love for one child and Harry didn't deserve it. Harry suddenly realises that maybe the Dursleys (well, Aunt Petunia) weren't so bad after all.
52	* {{Parody}}: The whole thing is a parody of ''Potter'' fan fic clichés, but one specific parody is taken at "100 Ways to Annoy Voldemort" lists by a fictional xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx. Voldemort proceeds to torture her to death.
53	* ParodySue: The most perfect girl ever appears in Voldemort's lair, offering him a shot at redemption. Voldemort is entranced by her pretty eyes... [[spoiler: the Sue ends up dead like all the others, but Voldemort [[EyeScream kept her pretty eyes to play with.]]]]
54	* ReplacementGoldfish: In the second chapter, Harry gets a new owl to replace Hedwig, who died in chapter 1. He names the new owl Hedwig, "to avoid any confusion".
55	* RunningGag: With a few exceptions, every male OC is Daniel, and every female OC is Emma.
56	** Harry’s reply of "What?" and "Oh. I thought you said something else" whenever a character says something OOC and inappropriate.
57	* SpitTake: Dumbledore spikes Harry's UnwantedHarem with some sort of pregnancy spell. They spew in unison, minus Blaise Zabini, who stares in horror at the three drinks he had already finished.
58	* StupidEvil: On top of being harebrained and pointlessly evil, it's hard to imagine how any of Dumbledore's schemes could benefit him.
59	* TakeThat: Being a mockfic, the series insults many cliches.
60	** One character with the mysterious name of "xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx" ends up being tortured to death when she tries to test out her list of One Hundred Ways to Totally Annoy Dark Lords on Voldemort.
61	--->'''xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx:''' Number 1: Calling you things that sound like your name, but are actually hilarious insults. For example: things like 'Voldywarts', or 'Moldyshorts', or-\
62	'''Voldemort:''' Crucio.
63	** Ebony from ''FanFic/MyImmortal'' also winds up on Voldemort's doorstep. He's... less than happy to see her.
64	--->"Hello, my naame iz Enoby-"\
65	"Reducto!"\
66	The girl stared down at the gaping hole in her torso where her vital organs used to be, then back up at him. "Whatev. Ur juts a dum prep anywayz." Then she collapsed in a dead heap.\
67	Voldemort then set fire to the body, then cast a strong wind spell to scatter the ashes far and away, and went back inside.
68	** Dumbledore's tendency to receive the RonTheDeathEater treatment in certain fics is lampooned by way of his portrayal here as a blatantly evil CardCarryingVillain who can't keep his wicked thoughts to himself.
69	* TooDumbToLive: Dudley Dursley, apparently. At one point Vernon makes a mental note to get rid of a barrel of toxic waste before Dudley starts ''eating'' its contents.
70	* UnusualEuphemism:
71	-->'''Snape:''' Not too long after we graduated from Hogwarts, I realized what a fool I'd been in letting Lily leave me on such horrible terms. I managed to seek her out before she and James went into hiding, and [[IBangedYourMom I convinced her to forgive me.]]
72	-->'''Harry:''' Lovely.
73	-->'''Snape:''' Then she forgave me again the next morning.
74	-->'''Harry:''' Dude.
75	-->'''Snape:''' Twice.
76	* UnusuallyUninterestingSight: Harry is far more interested in the fact that he just noticed the Hogwarts Express doesn't actually have a conductor than the fact that [[spoiler: Daniel just got killed by the train, spraying gore all over the platform]]. He's especially curious as to how a magical train with no conductor is somehow late.
77	* UnwantedHarem: Harry has one forced on him, including a boy (who Dumbledore is convinced is a girl), a generic OCStandIn, and ''many'' more. Much of the harem is about as thrilled to be a part of it as he is.
78	* VisibleSilence: Parodied.
79	-->"..." Voldemort ...'ed.
80	* AWizardDidIt: Somehow Harry's twin Daniel is the direct descendant of the four Hogwarts Founders, as well as Myth/{{Merlin}}, Morgana, Literature/BabaYaga, the ComicBook/ScarletWitch and the Witch of Endor.[[note]]The last of which is actually called Emma.[[/note]] The explanation why Harry isn't also a direct descendant? This trope is cited.
81	** Whenever the major plot holes, contradictions, or just plain bad science comes up, the answer is always simply "Magic!"
82	-->"Magic, Harry. Magic."
83	** The exception is Snape suddenly being attractive. He claims he's always looked like that.
84	* WhosOnFirst: At one point, Dumbledore trolls [=McGonagall=] by pretending not to know whom she's talking about when using Voldemort's aliases.
85	-->'''[=McGonagall=]''': If You-Know-Who really is attacking-
86	-->'''Dumbledore''': Who?
87	-->'''[=McGonagall=]''': You-Know-Who.
88	-->'''Dumbledore''': I do?
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90	-->'''Dumbledore''': Right then. What were we talking about before that?
91	-->'''[=McGonagall=]''': You-Know-Who.
92	-->'''Dumbledore''': I do?
93	-->'''[=McGonagall=]''': Damnit, Albus!

Context FanFic / HarryPotterAndTheSomethingSomething