History Main / ThingsIWillDoIfIAmEverTheVampire

31st Oct '16 2:03:47 PM AHI-3000
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This is a list how not to [[{{Pun}} suck]] as a [[YourVampiresSuck Vampire]].

The original version of the list can be found [[http://web.archive.org/web/20110819222901/http://www.kaila.pl/rpg/vampire.htm this site]], having been compiled by the population of rec.arts.sf.written.

If you don't want, or are unable, to be a Vampire, look up JustForFun/TheUniversalGenreSavvyGuide.

%%[[AC: Note to Tropers -- The list item text and order should not be changed. Adding links to tropes should be fine, as long as they don't change the displayed text.]]

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This is a list of tips on how not to [[{{Pun}} suck]] as a [[YourVampiresSuck Vampire]].

The original version of the list can be found [[http://web.archive.org/web/20110819222901/http://www.[[http://www.kaila.pl/rpg/vampire.htm on this site]], having been compiled by the population of rec.arts.sf.written.

If you don't want, or are unable, to be a Vampire, look up JustForFun/TheUniversalGenreSavvyGuide.

%%[[AC: Note to Tropers -- The list item text and order should
written on {{Usenet}}.

'''NOTE:''' Do
not be changed. Adding edit the contents of the original list, unless it is to add links to tropes should be fine, as long as they don't change any relevant articles. If you want to make any additions of your own, write them after the displayed text.]]line where the original list ends (#68).



[numlist:1]



# There are [[CurseThatCures thousands of sick people who want to be vampires]]. Why pick someone who doesn't?
# The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a [[{{CoolGuns/AssaultRifles}} 5.56mm assault rifle]] and [[MoreDakka grenades]]. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a SniperRifle.

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# There are [[CurseThatCures thousands of sick people who want to be vampires]].vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?
# The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a [[{{CoolGuns/AssaultRifles}} 5.56mm 56 mm assault rifle]] rifle and [[MoreDakka grenades]]. grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a SniperRifle.sniper rifle.



# My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymore mines designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
[/numlist]
* 6(a). If I don't need to sleep in a coffin, the plain wooden box will also be claymores.
[numlist:48]
# I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day. In addition, I will verify the time of sunrise and sunset from multiple sources. If there is a discrepancy of any kind, I will remain indoors until I determine the cause.

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# My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymore mines claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
[/numlist]
* 6(a). If I don't need to sleep in a coffin, the plain wooden box will also be claymores.
[numlist:48]
# I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day. In addition, I will verify the time of sunrise and sunset from multiple sources. If there is a discrepancy of any kind, I will remain indoors until I determine the cause.



# When I take the [[LoveInterests Hero's True Love]] to make her my concubine and eternal slave I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. [[GoneHorriblyRight That would goad the Hero into making an attack.]] She will be tucked away in a quiet room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.

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# When I take the [[LoveInterests Hero's True Love]] Love to make her my concubine and eternal slave I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. [[GoneHorriblyRight That would goad the Hero into making an attack.]] attack. She will be tucked away in a quiet room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.



# I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little FrenchMaid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.

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# I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little FrenchMaid French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.



# I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars, or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.

to:

# I will not associate with vampire theatres, theaters, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars, bars or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.



# Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room, shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.

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# Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room, room and shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.



# I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Von Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire.
# I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of "The Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital" rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably...
# Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that [[VampiresHateGarlic garlic]] is not a major spice at that restaurant.

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# I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Von Van Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire.
# I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of "The ''The Skeptical Inquirer" Inquirer'' or "Das Kapital" ''Das Kapital'' rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably...
# Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that [[VampiresHateGarlic garlic]] garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.



# All servants, concubines, and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
# Servants, concubines, and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.

to:

# All servants, concubines, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
# Servants, concubines, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.



# All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk. Same goes for Belmont.

to:

# All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk. Same goes for Belmont.



# I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines, and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.

to:

# I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.



[/numlist]

->47(a). And if it does, I will immediately leave town (having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice).

[numlist:48]

to:

[/numlist]

->47(a).
**47a. And if it does, I will immediately leave town (having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice).

[numlist:48]
choice).



# All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify. Friendly reminder that, even though I may be weak to it, FIRE SOLVES EVERYTHING!
# I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death.

to:

# All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify. Friendly reminder that, even though I may be weak to it, FIRE SOLVES EVERYTHING!
identify.
# I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death.death



# I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas at all times. Not needing to breathe is a usefull skill.

to:

# I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas at all times. Not needing to breathe is a usefull useful skill.



# I will make lots of [[{{MyGrandsonMyself}} long term]] [[VampiresAreRich investments]].
[/numlist]

->61(a). With the great wealth I get from that, I shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood, or a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to [[VegetarianVampire McDonalds]] instead of bothering the hero's womenfolk.

[numlist:62]
# While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heros.
# As cute as the [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Vampire Slayer]] is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.

to:

# I will make lots of [[{{MyGrandsonMyself}} long term]] [[VampiresAreRich investments]].
[/numlist]

->61(a).
term investments.
**61a.
With the great wealth I get from that, I shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood, or a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to [[VegetarianVampire McDonalds]] McDonalds instead of bothering the hero's womenfolk.

[numlist:62]
womenfolk.
# While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heros.
Heroes.
# As cute as the [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Vampire Slayer]] Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.



# When faced with a [[YouMeddlingKids gang of spunky kids]] determined to stop my evil schemes, I will consider surrender. Or mailbombs.

to:

# When faced with a [[YouMeddlingKids gang of spunky kids]] kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I will consider surrender. Or mailbombs.



# Most importantly, I will familiarize myself with any and all [[OurVampiresAreDifferent rules of vampirism]] and will note any deviations from the norms. I will revise the above list as necessary based on my set of rules. For example, if I am the type of vampire who CAN survive sunlight, I will ignore the rules about sunlight and will make myself ''frequently'' seen during the day. This will throw off any WrongGenreSavvy heroes who are expecting their enemy to be solely nocturnal.
# As well as determining what weaknesses I have, I will see if there is any known methods of getting around said weaknesses and utilize them. If there isn't at least a temporary cure I can use, I will experiment to see if I can find one. After all, if it's at all possible to actually remove said weakness I have an eternity to figure it out.
# I will not kill anyone if it can possibly be avoided, including to feed. Also, if I can survive off of the blood of animals instead of just people, I will not feed off people at all and will stop and possibly kill any vampires in my domain which do not do the same. If I don't go around killing people or allowing it, there will be no reason for a hero to show up to slay me, and if they do, it's because they're racist pricks who are no real threat.
# Expanding on the above point, I will attempt to be a VillainWithGoodPublicity, if not a straight up AntiHero (actual Heroism would be rather difficult for me). This increases my chances for survival, as Heroes are more likely to work with a "monster that wishes to overcome his evil nature" (Heroes eat that up), and the weak-minded mortals have a thing for bad boys.
# I will not be the leader of a vampiric clan. While it may seem like a cushy job with many loyal minions, the Hero will spend far too much of his time and resources trying to kill me specifically.
# Furthermore, I will attempt to be on jobs elsewhere while the hero is trying to get to my leader. I'm a minion, that does not mean I'm stupid.
# If the hero is a FriendlyNeighborhoodVampire, I will consider joining him or her. If they've found a way to live alongside humans, I can too. And it would make life infinitely easier.
[/numlist]



By the population of rec.arts.sf.written on {{Usenet}}.
----

One more point not featured on the list: if I am able to choose where I live, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZzgAjjuqZM I will live in Cleveland.]] (Around the 00:17 mark.)

----

Go to the [[JustForFun/TheUniversalGenreSavvyGuide The Universal Genre Savvy Guide]] for more info on surviving fiction.

to:

By the population of rec.arts.sf.written on {{Usenet}}.
----

One more point not featured on the list: if I am able to choose where I live, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZzgAjjuqZM I will live in Cleveland.]] (Around the 00:17 mark.)

----

Go to the [[JustForFun/TheUniversalGenreSavvyGuide The Universal Genre Savvy Guide]] for more info on surviving fiction.
%%[numlist:69]
%%#
%%[/numlist]
7th Sep '16 10:25:05 PM ErikModi
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# My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.

to:

# My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores [mines] claymore mines designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.




->6(a). If I don't need to sleep in a coffin, the plain wooden box will also be claymores.

to:

\n->6(a). *6(a). If I don't need to sleep in a coffin, the plain wooden box will also be claymores.
claymores.
11th Aug '16 5:19:22 PM Scrounge
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[/numlist]

->6(a). If I don't need to sleep in a coffin, the plain wooden box will also be claymores.

[numlist:48]



# All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.

to:

# All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk. Same goes for Belmont.
5th Jun '16 12:39:47 AM I_love_dragons
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# Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.

to:

# Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and room, shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.
28th Mar '16 6:47:30 PM Prfnoff
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# Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.

to:

# Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic [[VampiresHateGarlic garlic]] is not a major spice at that restaurant.
29th Jan '16 8:13:09 PM AlgaeNymph
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# I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.

to:

# I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines concubines, and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.
29th Jan '16 8:11:40 PM AlgaeNymph
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# Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.

to:

# Servants, concubines concubines, and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.
29th Jan '16 8:11:21 PM AlgaeNymph
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# All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.

to:

# All servants, concubines concubines, and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
29th Jan '16 8:09:36 PM AlgaeNymph
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# I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.

to:

# I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars bars, or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.
30th Dec '15 10:37:32 PM Dingbot
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# I will not engage a [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Vampire Slayer]] in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well.
# If I find out that there is a [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Vampire Slayer]] living in the vicinity, I will consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the advantages conferred by that particular location.

to:

# I will not engage a [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Vampire Slayer]] Slayer in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well.
# If I find out that there is a [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Vampire Slayer]] Slayer living in the vicinity, I will consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the advantages conferred by that particular location.
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