History Main / NeedAHandOrAHandJob

8th Jun '16 3:03:42 AM Tuomas
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* An engineering student approaches his friends at lunch one day riding up on a beautiful new bicycle. "Wow," says one of his friends, "where'd you get that bike?" The engineering student says, "Strangest thing. On my way back from class this morning, a gorgeous woman rode up on a bike, got off it, took off all her clothes and threw them on the ground, and told me, 'Take whatever you want!'" His friend nods sagely. "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
* As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I''m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
* On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, [[IsThisThingStillOn forgetting to turn off the microphone]], he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"



* A woman knew her husband was getting old when she asked him "Would you like some super sex?" and he replied "I think I'll have the soup."
* A man went into a job interview and his eye winked through the whole process. The interviewer said "Look, you are well qualified, but I'm afraid that facial tic will throw off clients." The man replied - "Funny you mention that, because all I have to do is take aspirin and the winking goes away - watch" and the man began dumping out his pockets looking for aspirin. In most of his pockets, however, were condoms. Finally, once a pile of condom packages of every sort piled up on the desk the man found two aspirin, took them, and the wink totally stopped. "Well, that worked," the interviewer admitted, but why do you have all the condoms? We don't want our clients to think you're a womanizer!" "It's quite simple sir," the guy said, "have you ever walked into a drugstore, winking like crazy, and asked for aspirin?"
6th May '16 8:24:25 PM jormis29
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* A variation happens to one of the main attorneys on L.A. Law when he's at a restaurant and an attractive young woman (an undercover cop) he talks to in order to get help dealing with the unfamiliar menu items arrests him for soliciting a prostitute when he was simply trying to get help with the menu. In a later episode he successfully defends himself against the charge when the transcript makes it clear he was innocent and results in the judge admonishing the police over their failure to recognize that from the start.

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* A variation happens to one of the main attorneys on L.A. Law ''Series/LALaw'' when he's at a restaurant and an attractive young woman (an undercover cop) he talks to in order to get help dealing with the unfamiliar menu items arrests him for soliciting a prostitute when he was simply trying to get help with the menu. In a later episode he successfully defends himself against the charge when the transcript makes it clear he was innocent and results in the judge admonishing the police over their failure to recognize that from the start.
6th May '16 12:50:44 PM Adeon
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* ''{{Literature/Discworld}}'': Used to happen to men who approach the [[BandOfBrothels Guild of Seamstresses]] to have their socks darned. Eventually the Guild hired some non-euphemistic seamstresses to care of that kind of request.

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* ''{{Literature/Discworld}}'': Used to happen to men who approach the [[BandOfBrothels Guild of Seamstresses]] to have their socks darned. Eventually the Guild hired some non-euphemistic seamstresses to take care of that kind of request.request (plus it allows men to get their socks darned while they "get their socks darned").
4th Mar '16 8:12:56 PM Nightmask
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Added DiffLines:

* A variation happens to one of the main attorneys on L.A. Law when he's at a restaurant and an attractive young woman (an undercover cop) he talks to in order to get help dealing with the unfamiliar menu items arrests him for soliciting a prostitute when he was simply trying to get help with the menu. In a later episode he successfully defends himself against the charge when the transcript makes it clear he was innocent and results in the judge admonishing the police over their failure to recognize that from the start.
6th Feb '16 11:11:51 PM nombretomado
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* ''MyNameIsEarl'' in the [[TheRashomon antique silverware episode]]. Randy was told to wait around the station and ask people if they had "the package"; a gay guy misinterprets this.

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* ''MyNameIsEarl'' ''Series/MyNameIsEarl'' in the [[TheRashomon antique silverware episode]]. Randy was told to wait around the station and ask people if they had "the package"; a gay guy misinterprets this.



* ''MyWifeAndKids'' had a variation when the family goes to Las Vegas. Junior calls an escort service because he thought that it was a babysitter.
* ''{{Frasier}}'' stops to give a woman standing in the rain a ride home, and he doesn't realise she's a hooker until just before he's stopped by the cops. [[spoiler:Turns out it's just a paranoid prediction of what might happen, since his good deeds have been [[NoGoodDeedGoesUnpunished backfiring a lot recently]], but he rejects it and gives the woman a lift anyway.]]

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* ''MyWifeAndKids'' ''Series/MyWifeAndKids'' had a variation when the family goes to Las Vegas. Junior calls an escort service because he thought that it was a babysitter.
* ''{{Frasier}}'' ''Series/{{Frasier}}'' stops to give a woman standing in the rain a ride home, and he doesn't realise she's a hooker until just before he's stopped by the cops. [[spoiler:Turns out it's just a paranoid prediction of what might happen, since his good deeds have been [[NoGoodDeedGoesUnpunished backfiring a lot recently]], but he rejects it and gives the woman a lift anyway.]]



* Inverted in the first episode of ''NorthernExposure'', where Joel mistakenly believes Maggie to be a prostitute based on her offers of help. She does not react well to this, of course.

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* Inverted in the first episode of ''NorthernExposure'', ''Series/NorthernExposure'', where Joel mistakenly believes Maggie to be a prostitute based on her offers of help. She does not react well to this, of course.
6th Feb '16 7:04:55 AM pittsburghmuggle
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* A guy gets sent on a business trip. His boss knows the guy likes fish and he says that they don't make scrod ANYWHERE as good as they make it in Boston - "Don't leave until you have tried the scrod!" They guy flies to Boston and as he gets into a cab he remembers what his boss said. He asks the cabbie "Hey, buddy - where do you suppose I could get scrod around here?" the cabbie thought for a second and said "You know, I've been driving this cab for three years now and I must have heard that question a thousand times, but that's the first time anyone's asked it in the pluperfect subjunctive."

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* A guy gets sent on a business trip. His boss knows the guy likes fish and he says that they don't make scrod ANYWHERE as good as they make it in Boston - "Don't leave until you have tried the scrod!" They guy flies to Boston and as he gets into a cab he remembers what his boss said. He asks the cabbie "Hey, buddy - where do you suppose I could get scrod around here?" the cabbie thought for a second and said "You know, I've been driving this cab for three years now and I must have heard that question a thousand times, but that's the first time anyone's asked it in the pluperfect subjunctive." "[[note]]There's actually a lot of debate among grammar nerds over what is the actual proper name for using "screwed" in this tense, but if you're telling jokes, most GeniusBonus people will get it's a play on obscure grammar[[/note]]
21st Sep '15 3:08:32 PM SteveMB
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* On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

to:

* On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, [[IsThisThingStillOn forgetting to turn off the microphone, microphone]], he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
16th Aug '15 8:10:34 AM Morgenthaler
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* A hilarious subversion of this happens to [[HandsomeLech Mateo]] in ''{{Benidorm}}''. Mateo has to dress up in drag for a double date, and has to wait outside a bar for a few minuites. An [[DirtyHarriet undercover cop]] shows up, asking if s/he has a place to go. A lot of non-entendres later ("I have to get out of these pants" (They were itchy)), and he is promptly arrested.

to:

* A hilarious subversion of this happens to [[HandsomeLech Mateo]] in ''{{Benidorm}}''.''Series/{{Benidorm}}''. Mateo has to dress up in drag for a double date, and has to wait outside a bar for a few minuites. An [[DirtyHarriet undercover cop]] shows up, asking if s/he has a place to go. A lot of non-entendres later ("I have to get out of these pants" (They were itchy)), and he is promptly arrested.
31st Jul '15 3:32:01 AM ClatoLawa
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* ''Series/TheSketchShow'': Discussed and invoked in a sketch where a man approaches a tries to sollicit the "assistance" of a streetwalker. His annoying obfuscation eventually causes the hooker to walk off.

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* ''Series/TheSketchShow'': Discussed and invoked in a sketch where a man approaches a tries to sollicit the "assistance" streetwalker, rejects her offer of a streetwalker."company", and then rather bluntly asks for sex. His annoying obfuscation eventually causes the hooker to walk off.
31st Jul '15 3:27:32 AM ClatoLawa
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* ''Series/TheSketchShow'': Discussed and invoked in a sketch where a man tries to sollicit the "assistance" of a streetwalker. His annoying obfuscation eventually causes the hooker to walk off.

to:

* ''Series/TheSketchShow'': Discussed and invoked in a sketch where a man approaches a tries to sollicit the "assistance" of a streetwalker. His annoying obfuscation eventually causes the hooker to walk off.off.
-->'''Karen''': Say if I were to point you in the right direction with my ''hand'', that would be 30, if I were to give you ''oral'' directions, that would be 60 pounds, and if I were to take you ''all the way'' to your destination, that would be 80.
-->'''Lee''': And how much would it be for ''sex''?
-->'''Karen''': Get lost.
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