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renamed to Clone Angst


# Additionally, if I should be [[CloningBlues dumb enough]] to use cloning (see #8 above), I will reserve a deceased and acid-destroyed clone of myself to float to the surface of the vats as "proof" of my demise. Fools!

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# Additionally, if I should be [[CloningBlues dumb enough]] enough to use cloning (see #8 above), I will reserve a deceased and acid-destroyed clone of myself to float to the surface of the vats as "proof" of my demise. Fools!
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Now an index


# I will only select targets who are [[EvilerThanThou considerably more villainous or corrupt than I am.]] This lets me battle a variety of AcceptableTargets and AlwaysChaoticEvil monsters while still allowing me to get my therapeutic Evil Overlord kicks.

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# I will only select targets who are [[EvilerThanThou considerably more villainous or corrupt than I am.]] This lets me battle a variety of AcceptableTargets and AlwaysChaoticEvil monsters while still allowing me to get my therapeutic Evil Overlord kicks.
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# I will not attempt to "steal Christmas". Or Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Boxing Day, Setsubun or any other holiday widely observed by the people. There is no way it can end well. I will instead make myself well known for [[BreadAndCircuses doing highly generous, festive and visible acts]] in addition to paying proper respect to all socio-religious celebrations.

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# I will not attempt to "steal Christmas"."[[HowTheCharacterStoleChristmas steal Christmas]]". Or Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Boxing Day, Setsubun or any other holiday widely observed by the people. There is no way it can end well.well, and I've never found any point in doing it anyways. I will instead make myself well known for [[BreadAndCircuses doing highly generous, festive and visible acts]] in addition to paying proper respect to all socio-religious celebrations.
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# If at all possible, I will make a voice recognition system that it can detect, without fail, who is stating the password. If the person stating the password is not recognized in the databanks, they will be asked to repeat it, in case it does fail to recognize someone. If they fail to be recognized again, they will be shot with a tranq, and an APB will be put out to my security team. If it turns out it was someone whose voice WAS in the databanks, the Dev team will restart it immediately or be fired. Or shot, if I'm feeling angry that particular day.

to:

# If at all possible, I will make a voice recognition system that it can detect, without fail, who is stating the password. If the person stating the password is not recognized in the databanks, they will be asked to repeat it, in case it does fail to recognize someone. If they fail to be recognized again, they will be shot with a tranq, and an APB will be put out to my security team. If it turns out it was someone whose voice WAS in the databanks, the Dev team will restart it immediately or be fired. Or shot, if I'm feeling angry that particular day.
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# I will not allow any cells in my Prison of Doom to be furnished with [[BedsheetLadder bedsheets]]. Captives will be given sleeping bags instead. Good luck tying ''those'' together.

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# I will not allow any cells in my Prison of Doom to be furnished with [[BedsheetLadder bedsheets]]. Captives will be given tear-resistant sleeping bags instead. Good luck tying ''those'' together.together in the few hours between their evening and morning inspections for damage.
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# If I have created several boss monsters that have lost to the hero already but are in my final dungeon, which the hero has penetrated, the hero will not have to [[BossRush fight all of them in a sequence]]. Rather, they, along with myself, will all attack the hero simultaneously.

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# If I have created several boss monsters that have lost to the hero already but are in my final dungeon, which the hero has penetrated, the hero will not have to [[BossRush fight all of them in a sequence]]. Rather, they, along with myself, will all attack the hero simultaneously. Or better, I will merge them into an [[EldritchAbomination Eldritch Abomination]] with no capabilities for thinking of a) superiority b) attacking me, or c) going insane and destroying everything.



# If at all feasible, I will have DoomsdayDevice Version 0.9 started up five minutes after DoomsdayDevice Version 1.0. Because they will be kept in completely different facilities, my evil plans will have a fair chance of success even if the [[BigDamnHeroes heroes]] somehow manage to stop me [[JustInTime at the last second]]. In fact, if I have time, I will make and use Version 1.1 for my main plan and have Version 1.0 as my backup.

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# If at all feasible, I will have DoomsdayDevice Version 0.9 started up five minutes after DoomsdayDevice Version 1.0. Because they will be kept in completely different facilities, my evil plans will have a fair chance of success even if the [[BigDamnHeroes heroes]] somehow manage to stop me [[JustInTime at the last second]]. In fact, if I have time, I will make and use Version 1.1 for my main plan and have Version 1.0 as my backup. Or evenbetter, I will just use all three started chronologically from oldest to newest.
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# I will follow the example of the original literary FuManchu and wear a ''false'' moustache or other obvious identifying feature while in public, thus making both anonymity and disguise easier.

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# I will follow the example of the original literary FuManchu Literature/FuManchu and wear a ''false'' moustache or other obvious identifying feature while in public, thus making both anonymity and disguise easier.
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Proofreading edits


# Any goggles used in my complex WILL be fully [[GogglesDoNothing functional]]

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# Any goggles used in my complex WILL be fully [[GogglesDoNothing functional]]functional]].



# There are [[BlatantLies only two]] detonation triggers: my personal escape pod and the aforementioned button. In case my personal escape pod is boarded by the heroes, I will have a third detonation trigger for the escape pod given to my most trusted lieutenant. And even that will only work [[TakingYouWithMe after I'm already dead]], so no assassination attempts.

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# There are [[BlatantLies only two]] detonation triggers: my My personal escape pod and the aforementioned button. In case my personal escape pod is boarded by the heroes, I will have a third detonation trigger for the escape pod given to my most trusted lieutenant. And even that will only work [[TakingYouWithMe after I'm already dead]], so no assassination attempts.



# Okay, a lot of problems and rules on all of these lists have something to do with mad scientists, so you know what? Before I even begin the very first act toward world conquest/whatever else I may want, if at all possible, or at least if convenient at the time, I will become a mad scientist myself so I don't have to worry about so many damn problems about the freelance variety and their daughters.

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# Okay, a lot Considering the number of problems and rules on all of these lists have something to do dealing with mad scientists, so you know what? Before before I even begin the very first act toward world conquest/whatever else I may want, if at all possible, or at least if convenient at the time, I will become a mad scientist myself so I don't have to worry about so many damn problems about the freelance variety and their daughters.
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Punctuation, clarification, and conciseness edits


# If a previously powerless hero has started [[PowerGlows glowing brightly and exhibiting god-like powers]], for fucks sake I mustn't shoot them. Instead, [[ISurrenderSuckers I will say they have shown me the true power of good, that evil is flawed and weak, and that I shall change my kingdom.]] When they have stopped glowing (as these things tend to be short lived) ''then'' I'll shoot them.

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# If a previously powerless hero has started [[PowerGlows glowing brightly and exhibiting god-like powers]], for fucks fuck's sake I mustn't shoot them. Instead, [[ISurrenderSuckers I will say they have shown me the true power of good, that evil is flawed and weak, and that I shall change my kingdom.]] kingdom]]. When they have stopped glowing (as these things tend to be short lived) lived), ''then'' I'll shoot them.



# To be ''truly'' evil, I'll make the beverages free. Then install overpriced pay toilets.

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# To be ''truly'' evil, I'll make the beverages free. Then I'll install overpriced pay toilets.



# If I ever feel the need to slow down the hero's progress by placing doors that can only be opened once he has a certain number of [[PlotCoupon Plot Coupons]], I won't bother creating a large number of such doors requiring an increasing number of items. Instead there will be a single door, right at the beginning, that [[LockedDoor cannot be opened]] until the hero has all of them. Needless to say, all plot coupons are on the other side of the door.
# I will not set up arbitrary puzzles to slow progress through my castle. If I really think that simply using a key/ password/ fingerprint scanner is not enough then the only way to open the door will be to follow some obscure sequence of moves that is not hinted at anywhere - anyone who is authorized to pass will know what this is.

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# If I ever feel the need to slow down the hero's progress by placing doors that can only be opened once he has a certain number of [[PlotCoupon Plot Coupons]], I won't bother creating a large number of such doors requiring an increasing number of items. Instead there will be a single door, right at the beginning, that [[LockedDoor cannot be opened]] until the hero has all of them. Needless to say, all plot coupons are will be on the other side of the door.
# I will not set up arbitrary puzzles to slow progress through my castle. If I really think that simply using a key/ password/ fingerprint key/password/fingerprint scanner is not enough enough, then the only way to open the door will be to follow some obscure sequence of moves that is not hinted at anywhere - anywhere, but that anyone who is authorized to pass will know what this is.know.



# The punishment for failure in my minions shall be demotion or dismissal, not execution. As said before, people make mistakes, and killing does not inspire loyalty or encourage new recruits to join. [[CareerBuildingBlunder Possibly even a warning not to let it happen again.]] I will be judicious with that one, but it does inspire loyalty.

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# The punishment for failure in my minions shall be demotion or dismissal, not execution. As said before, people make mistakes, and killing does not inspire loyalty or encourage new recruits to join. [[CareerBuildingBlunder Possibly I may possibly even issue a warning not to let it happen again.]] I will be judicious with that one, but it does inspire loyalty.



#If I find the messenger in question attractive, ([[WomanScorned my current lover permitting]]) I may take wandering eyes to imply interest and invite them to join us. ''Later'', after I've dealt with whatever the message was about..

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#If I find the messenger in question attractive, ([[WomanScorned my current lover permitting]]) I may take wandering eyes to imply interest and invite them to join us. ''Later'', after I've dealt with whatever the message was about..about.



# I will teach the hero and then turn him over to my side when he's smart. But not too smart. None of those overthrowing the overlord thing here.

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# I will teach the hero and then turn him over to my side when he's smart. But not too smart. None of those overthrowing the overlord thing things here.



# If I want to kill some character who the hero likes without him trying to avenge his/her/their death, I will do the following: "accidentally" create an evil clone of the sidekick, let the evil clone infiltrate the hero's hideout and let him take the place of the sidekick; when the hero has finally found out who is the sidekick and has offed the clone, I will kill the sidekick and explain it by wanting to kill the evil clone, and voila: a hero without a sidekick and without a grudge. Me: 2, hero: 0.

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# If I want to kill some character who the hero likes without him trying to avenge his/her/their death, I will do the following: "accidentally" create an evil clone of the sidekick, sidekick and let the evil clone infiltrate the hero's hideout and let him take the place of the sidekick; when the hero has finally found out who is the sidekick and has offed the clone, I will kill the sidekick and explain it by wanting to kill the evil clone, and voila: a A hero without a sidekick and without a grudge. Me: 2, hero: 0.



# Slavery is mayhem waiting to happen. Slavery does not loyal citizens make. However, if I offer a small wage and basic heath care plus care for the injured and elderly it will not cost much more but will buy loyalty.

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# Slavery is mayhem waiting to happen. Slavery does not loyal citizens make. However, if I offer a A small wage and basic heath care plus care for the injured and elderly it will not cost much more more, but will buy loyalty.
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# I will not [[SuperPrototype cut corners in the mass produced models]] to reduce costs
# All cells with windows will not be furnished with [[BedsheetLadder bedsheets]]. Instead, captives will be given sleeping bags. Good luck tying ''those'' together.

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# I will not [[SuperPrototype cut corners in the mass produced models]] to reduce costs
costs.
# All cells with windows I will not allow any cells in my Prison of Doom to be furnished with [[BedsheetLadder bedsheets]]. Instead, captives Captives will be given sleeping bags.bags instead. Good luck tying ''those'' together.
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Being cut per TRS


# I may have a Fu Manchu mustache, but only if I am either a: [[GenreSavvy Genre Savvy]] or b: extremely [[{{Camp}} campy]]. And it's still not a good idea unless I happen to be ''both''.

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# I may have a Fu Manchu mustache, but only if I am either a: [[GenreSavvy Genre Savvy]] GenreSavvy or b: extremely [[{{Camp}} campy]]. And it's still not a good idea unless I happen to be ''both''.



# I will remember that [[DangerouslyGenreSavvy very competent]] opponents will [[IKnowYouKnowIKnow likely be doing the same thing in reverse]].

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# I will remember that [[DangerouslyGenreSavvy very competent]] competent opponents will [[IKnowYouKnowIKnow likely be doing the same thing in reverse]].

Changed: 378

Removed: 387

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# Every robot in my domain must abide by my [[ThreeLawsCompliant Three Laws of Evil Robotics]]:
--> 1) A robot may not injure the Evil Overlord, or through inaction allow the Evil Overlord or his plans to come to harm.
--> 2) A robot must obey orders given to it by the Evil Overlord and his lieutenants, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
--> 3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

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# Every robot in my domain must abide by my [[ThreeLawsCompliant Three Laws of Evil Robotics]]:
-->
Robotics]]: 1) A robot may not injure the Evil Overlord, or through inaction allow the Evil Overlord or his plans to come to harm.
-->
harm. 2) A robot must obey orders given to it by the Evil Overlord and his lieutenants, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
-->
Law. 3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
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# If at all possible, I will make a voice recognition system that it can detect, without fail, who is stating the password. If the person stating the password is not recognized in the databanks, they will be asked to repeat it, in case it does fail to recognize someone. If they fail to be recognized again, they will be shot with a tranq, and an APB will be put out to my security team. If it turns out it was someone who's voice WAS in the databanks, the Dev team will restart it immediately or be fired. Or shot, if I'm feeling angry that particular day.

to:

# If at all possible, I will make a voice recognition system that it can detect, without fail, who is stating the password. If the person stating the password is not recognized in the databanks, they will be asked to repeat it, in case it does fail to recognize someone. If they fail to be recognized again, they will be shot with a tranq, and an APB will be put out to my security team. If it turns out it was someone who's whose voice WAS in the databanks, the Dev team will restart it immediately or be fired. Or shot, if I'm feeling angry that particular day.
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Added DiffLines:

# My henchmen will work in groups of [[PowerTrio three]] or [[FiveManBand five]], never [[FourIsDeath four]].
# I will mandate that ''all'' groups for all purposes be of either three or five. Including all groups that fight monsters in the name of some other empire. For exactly the same reason.
# I will publicly decree that any group of four in my empire will be punished by death or imprisonment, depending on my mood that day. (I will make only token attempts to enforce this law, just enough that it remains public knowledge.) TheHero will instantly assume I have some kind of WeaksauceWeakness to the number and deliberately form a four-man party. At ''worst'', this will set him apart as a potential enemy.
# I will [[IGaveMyWord fulfill my end of all contracts]], in full, as soon as promised. Even though it might be fun to alter deals halfway through, that's just begging the other party to perform a HeelFaceTurn. And I will not quibble about ExactWords either, unless they're playing the wise guy.
# I will ''never'' promise to uphold my end of the deal before the other party upholds theirs. Just because I want repeat customers doesn't mean I can trust everyone else. (I will ensure this at the promise-''making'' point of the deal.)
# If I am in a [[SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism heavily idealistic]] series/movies/whatever and the heroes suddenly start forming a circle and singing, I will order my troops to retreat immediately. I will then use the time they're singing to put the snipers in place (preferably robot snipers immune to ThePowerOfFriendship).
# When naming my children I'll pay close attention to the meaning of the name. I wouldn't want to give them a positive [[PropheticNames prophetic name]] and having them end up helping to defeat me. Neither should I name them after anyone who betrayed or killed either/both of their parents. Mordred? Bad idea.
# If my significant other insists on ThemeNaming, I'll make sure [[OddNameOut all the children are included in the theme.]]
# If I have a lieutenant who is completely loyal to me, believing me to be on the good side despite the heroes' assurances that I am actually evil, I will ''not'' decide it is a good idea to notify them of the fact that I have secretly hated them for as long as I've known them.
# I will also consider seducing the lieutenant into turning evil himself, so that I can quit with the "I'm really good" act. If this fails, I will just kill the lieutenant -- having to lie to your trusted underlings sorta undercuts the whole point of them being trusted in the first place.
# I will not attempt to "steal Christmas". Or Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Boxing Day, Setsubun or any other holiday widely observed by the people. There is no way it can end well. I will instead make myself well known for [[BreadAndCircuses doing highly generous, festive and visible acts]] in addition to paying proper respect to all socio-religious celebrations.
# I will encourage people to celebrate pseudo-holidays such as Valentine's Day, Flag Day, Hero Appreciation Day... okay, well, maybe not that last one, but having the populace bicker over which holidays are better than which other holidays is more helpful to me than seeing them organize themselves over complete repression of said holidays.
# If I feel the need to rig an election, I will not rig the election such that I will win everything, everywhere, with everyone loving me. I will instead rig it so that I win by a plausible, but not overwhelming, margin. I want my enemies to have the small bit of hope that they can oust me in an election and focus on doing that rather then killing me.
# I will make use of secret ballots and rig the statistics so that the heroes try to start a rebellion in the one place that my popularity is assured. It'll be amusing to watch the heroes outrun a lynch mob, and even if they don't the statistical weirdness should give the conspiracy nuts loyal to me something to play with.
# Any goggles used in my complex WILL be fully [[GogglesDoNothing functional]]
# If I ''absolutely, positively, undeniably'' MUST have a self destruct system aboard my ship, I will ensure that whoever activates will be killed when they do so. If no-one is willing to die to destroy the ship, self-destruction isn't really necessary.
# There are [[BlatantLies only two]] detonation triggers: my personal escape pod and the aforementioned button. In case my personal escape pod is boarded by the heroes, I will have a third detonation trigger for the escape pod given to my most trusted lieutenant. And even that will only work [[TakingYouWithMe after I'm already dead]], so no assassination attempts.
# I will hire sane scientists to balance the work of my Mad Scientists, and my scientists in general will be punished for abusive behavior.
# My [[MadScientist mad scientists]] will be instructed to keep [[NoPlansNoPrototypeNoBackup detailed notes, reports, and day books, which will be regularly backed up]]. Multiple backups will be stored at various locations around my sphere of influence, in every format from dead tree to external hard drives.
# I will leave backup plans on a table when no one is around. And by "backup" I mean "decoy that will fool the heroes into playing along with my evil plans."
# All backups will be regularly checked by well-paid and loyal security guards, and anyone wishing to transport or utilize them will have to be authorized beforehand. Any instance where the backup has gone missing will be reported immediately.
# If at all feasible, I will have DoomsdayDevice Version 0.9 started up five minutes after DoomsdayDevice Version 1.0. Because they will be kept in completely different facilities, my evil plans will have a fair chance of success even if the [[BigDamnHeroes heroes]] somehow manage to stop me [[JustInTime at the last second]]. In fact, if I have time, I will make and use Version 1.1 for my main plan and have Version 1.0 as my backup.
# My base of operations will not have a website. The only computers in my base with Internet access will be on a completely separate network to the main ones, and will ''not'' be 'net compatible.
# I will task my mad scientists with creating a completely proprietary OS for the computers, to prevent any on-site hacking. If there will be no way to find finances for such, I will at least use an obscure and archaic OS, preferably not binary compatible.
# Okay, a lot of problems and rules on all of these lists have something to do with mad scientists, so you know what? Before I even begin the very first act toward world conquest/whatever else I may want, if at all possible, or at least if convenient at the time, I will become a mad scientist myself so I don't have to worry about so many damn problems about the freelance variety and their daughters.
# I will make sure I am one of the 1,000 smartest people on the planet before I feel comfortable regularly employing the BatmanGambit in my schemes.
# My [[MechaMooks robots]] will be intelligent enough to point out flaws in my plans, fall back if an operation becomes impossible, and improvise new plans on the fly. Their programming will specifically forbid acting against me, valuing their own lives above the mission, and any [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman philosophical thought]].
# Every robot in my domain must abide by my [[ThreeLawsCompliant Three Laws of Evil Robotics]]:
--> 1) A robot may not injure the Evil Overlord, or through inaction allow the Evil Overlord or his plans to come to harm.
--> 2) A robot must obey orders given to it by the Evil Overlord and his lieutenants, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
--> 3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
# In the event that, as suggested in previous guidelines, I am offered any wishes from a genie or other wish-granting figure, I will, after taking necessary precautions, wish for the First Law of Evil Robotics: "I wish for the power to grant my own wishes, with every wish I make following the spirit of the wish as I intend it at the time I make the wish, including this wish."
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# If {{mecha}} exist, I shall determine where my universe falls on the Sliding Scale of RealRobot and SuperRobot, before I do ''anything''.
# If my enemy owns his own HumongousMecha, I will obtain the design specs and make my own evil version. Battle effectiveness is not guaranteed, but I can make a killing on the [[MerchandiseDriven merchandising]].
# If the hero starts building a Mecha I'll build a few dozen tanks. Then I'll have them shoot his ankles off... giant bipedal robots are a lot less impressive when they can't stand up.
# If the hero is building or has a mecha, I will find out ''why'' he went to all the trouble to build a mecha. Given the time and the number of people that would have to be involved, at least one would likely have realized the inherent problems. Given that, if it gets built ''anyway'', there's probably a damn good reason.
# I will always keep in mind that ConservationOfNinjitsu frequently applies to machines too, and that it is ''really'' embarrassing for your large fleet of tanks to be destroyed by a sixteen-year-old in a mecha.
# I'll construct a force of smaller mecha than what the hero will be trotting around in. These smaller mecha will have all the advantages of the RuleOfCool inherent to mecha while at the same time avoiding many of the weaknesses of single large mechas.
## I will also ensure that ''all'' of these mecha are individually customized, with unique paintjobs and affectations, and have (attractive female or bishounen) pilots whose names (and nicknames like "Maniac" and "Iceman") are constantly mentioned and have deep, colorful backgrounds. Also, these mecha will only operate in small groups, thus utilizing both NominalImportance ''and'' dodging ConservationOfNinjitsu. Plus, there's the possibility one or more of my many unique mecha-pilot minions will become the target of a MisaimedFandom, making them [[ContractualImmortality unable to die]]. I'm DangerouslyGenreSavvy; I might as well take advantage of it.
# I will keep the best, most highly developed machine to myself. It will ''not,'' however, be the largest one--[[TheDragon my Dragon]] gets that.
# Any time I build a superpowerful robot/ battle suit/ tank/ etc., I will add an ultra-secure remote-controlled detonator. When the hero steals it, or it goes rogue, or my henchman does a HeelFaceTurn, I'll blow it up.
# I will, instead of going to all the trouble of making an elaborate counter, have a mock-up shell made with a giant sword, and leave it in a field. Of mines.
# Alternatively, I will build a bigger, cooler version of the heroes' mecha. [[ColorCodedForYourConvenience In white]]. I will have it piloted by an angsty antihero who was tricked into working for me. When the heroes inevitably convert him and he parks his robot in their base, I will activate the remote detonation feature I haven't told him about and watch the fireworks.
# The rule is ''Do not fight the Hero in a Mecha.'' It is never a good idea. If I find the hero is in the process (or has just finished the process) of acquiring a Mecha, I will start by checking the status of my plans. If my military-based world takeover plan can be run with 90% or better confidence right now, I will run it, ignoring the Hero as I do so. If not, I will immediately abort any and all plans for a military takeover, and use my Army of Doom as a mercenary force instead.



# If I ever attack my enemy's main base, my operational plan will specifically de-target the pilots' barracks to a distance no less than three times the lethal radius of my most powerful weapons, thus insuring his mecha are commanded by their regular pilots rather than sixteen year-old replacements who will invariably be more formidable.
## If I know the layout of their base well enough to know where the barracks are, I should know where the hangar bay, motor pool, and/or armory would be, and should begin by seizing and/or destroying those.



# Should it ever be absolutely unavoidable that I build an army of HumongousMecha, they will all be [[SuperPrototype experimental prototypes]]. If a refinement of a design is necessary, I will instead build a new prototype.



## I will never clone the hero.



## If I must blow things up, I will implicate a [[FallGuy lesser functionary]] as the horrific destructor of sentient lifeforms afterward, and choose small, lifeless moons with no possibility of any life present to blow up. No doubt there is a tiny, shielded colony within its rocky surface that my men overlooked, but the FallGuy will take the blame ''and'' be already dead by the time the last survivors come after me. Ahem.



## In a similar vein, my minions shall receive: a good pension plan, health benefits, two weeks of paid vacation time per year, and a good salary. This inspires loyalty and it encourages people to join if the job is a good one.



## I will also consider the benefits of a speaker system, with a call and response system that prevents impersonation. Messengers can be the hero in disguise and I really don't need to be surprised when I'm that vulnerable.



## UNLESS there is a happy-go-lucky twit running around barely paying attention to everything. [[SpannerInTheWorks Those tend to be trouble.]]



## If they ''really'' just want to be friends, I will, with the utmost caution, take them up on their offer. Heroic cute little girls are much less likely to beat their bestest best friend to a bloody pulp than they are a big meanie.
#Dead Japanese schoolgirls have disconcerting tendency to become obscenely powerful and angry ghosts who ''will'' mess you up. I will remember this.



## Incidentally, since there is still a living person in the world who knows of my plan, opposes me, and happens to be within weapon range of myself, odds are I haven't actually gotten away with it yet.
### Thus, my reply should be, "My, you're right. See you next time." Then I will make a [[VillainExitStageLeft daring escape from justice]] and return to the EvilOverlordList to determine where I went wrong.



## When I require a virgin sacrifice, I will also set myself up to become a demilich at the same time, and will sacrifice myself (provided I am a virgin) AND become unkillable at the same time. If I am not a virgin, I will perform the lich ritual first, then [[LoopholeAbuse sacrifice my new body]] and rez. My phylactery will also be a nine-hundred pound boulder kept secure in my base, disguised as a random bit of rubble off to the side and out of the way of everything important. It will also be placed on a small rail setup so that it can be moved out of the way- too many heroes will blow it up [[Franchise/TheLegendofZelda to find a hidden secret below.]]



## Alternatively no cells will be furnished with windows. There are [[{{flight}} other]] [[WallCrawl ways]] to use a window.
## If I do need them alive, they will be imprisoned in a room in the center of my guards' quarters. Said room will have walls of sturdy metal grille rather than vision-blocking cement, stone or cinder block, so that nothing the prisoner does will be unseen. The best modern surveillance equipment will also surround said cell. The prisoner will be kept sedated, and bound.
## I will look into a island or space prison.



## In fact I will cultivate rumors that specific actions designed to antagonize said spirits will weaken me, or otherwise interfere with my plans. This will prevent the spirits from giving TheHero power, and may turn them towards me to stop him.
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## I'll offer them the ability to clone their race to rebuild their kind. That'll bring loyalty.
# If I am [[NighInvulnerability immune to the hero's attacks]], I will make sure that I am also immune to my own. If I cannot ensure this, I will avoid using any attack that could possibly be [[PlayingTennisWithTheBoss redirected to hit me]].
## This is another reason to NOT have big mirrors, as well as the whole vanity thing.
# As 116 above demonstrates, any extremely competent EvilOverlord is indistinguishable from an extremely competent BenevolentRuler. This also applies in reverse.
# I will never, I repeat ''NEVER'', use an online list of [[EvilOverlordList "Evil Overlord Rules"]], "Advice for Villains" or any other such variation. A geeky {{Badass Normal}} will read it, realise that I'm using it and promptly inform the hero, allowing them to either know my plans in advance, or even worse consult a similar "Vows for Heroes" list and ensure I'm destroyed rather than severely weakened or [[SealedEvilInACan sealed away]].
## Wait, then why am I reading this and contributing to it? This is online, isn't it?
## Forget that. A [[GenreSavvy Genre Savviness]] arms race could be dangerous, but being GenreBlind when my opponents aren't would be deadly. Instead, I will study any such list I come across (plus all "Vows for Heroes" lists) and if my enemies study the same lists, all the better for me. If that happens, [[IKnowYouKnowIKnow I'll be able to predict their responses and confound them by doing something they'd never expect]]. [[BatmanGambit Or doing exactly what they'd expect]].
### I will also [[MindScrew randomly switch between these, so as to further confuse my adversary]].
### And I will keep in mind that use of said publicly available list of advice leaves all manner of possibility for the use of {{plan}}s relating to whichever trope I'm actually using. However, I will also be aware of the possibility of a GambitPileup resulting from this.
## Even if my enemies know everything that I do, I'll still come out on top because of [[EvilIsCool one simple reason]].
#### The decision stands. I will post this argument in the towns and watch the hero go mad.
##### Actually, I'll silently buy all the Hero Vows websites and edit some small but criticial mistakes in there.
# When I read Evil Overlord lists online, I will remember that not every piece of advice is a good one. Circumstance Savviness is even more important than Genre Savviness.
# Defensive systems can be fail-dead (like explode if defeated). Defensive systems MUST be fail-safe (at least for me: local explosion only and only when I'm sufficiently far away).
# If a trained monkey can do it, I will let said trained monkey do it so that my minions can do something more important.
## I will make darn sure not to overestimate the strength, reliability, skill, or competency of a monkey. Training human minions is probably more efficient than training comparatively short-lived and unreliable primates, so monkey use is likely to be limited.
## But remember, EverythingsBetterWithMonkeys!
# I will assume that all of my enemies are [[IAmNotLeftHanded not left handed]], and plan accordingly.
## I will not rule out the possibility that some of them ''are'' left-handed after all. Holding back when someone else isn't? That's just ''asking'' for trouble.
## I will train myself to use my left hand as far as practicable, in case I am unable to use my right hand for some reason. However, I will not pretend to be left-handed in any potentially dangerous situation.
## However, a sniper rifle creates a great sense of range, and hands are nothing when a bullet is in the hero's head.
# I will find out where SelfDemonstrating/DoctorDoom orders his [[DoomyDoomsOfDoom Doombots]] and stock up. You never know when you'll need a [[MechaMooks robot stand-in]] to take a missile or ten.
## I will modify said Doombots so they are loyal to ''me'', rather than their previous owner. Unless it voids the warranty or something.
## If I cannot modify them thusly, I will return them for a refund.
## If I own the store that sells them, I will only allow returns for store credit.
### Wow. [[EvenEvilHasStandards I really AM evil.]]
## In fact, I'll find out about this flaw ''before'' purchasing and thus avoid having funds tied up in a useless venture. I will instead use the money to have fanatically loyal followers [[MagicPlasticSurgery surgically altered]] to resemble me.
## I will avoid purchasing technology from SelfDemonstrating/DoctorDoom, as he ''always'' puts an override that he alone can access into ''everything'' he makes-- or holds for more than five minutes. I will avoid taking his advice on what to purchase, either, simply because his devices are inevitably destroyed or captured by the heroes.
### Remembering I have an advanced team of gizmo-working mooks, they can outdo Doom's tricks.
# If I find out about an evil being with power greater than my own, I will ''not'' attempt to take its power for myself. I will instead make sure the heroes find out about it, and I will do anything I can to help the heroes defeat my rival, short of actually joining the party. Then, when the heroes have defeated this being, the moment I can be sure the coast is clear, I will kill the heroes before they have a chance to recover, in the quickest manner possible. Once that's taken care of, if it is still possible to absorb the super being's power, and if I can be sure it won't [[GrandTheftMe take over my body]], kill me, or [[ThisIsYourBrainOnEvil drive me any more insane]], I will do so.
## Because I can never be too sure, I will first make my most incompetent minion absorb the super being's power. If it doesn't take over his body, kill him, or drive him any more insane, then I'll kill the minion and take the power for myself. If it does, I'll just kill the minion.
## But first I will make sure that any minion who gets said power is, first and foremost, fanatically LOYAL to me personally, to the point of being cheerfully willing to die for me. Even then I will take no chances and have a small explosive discreetly implanted in their brain during a "routine" medical procedure, after first making sure that the power in question will not in any way interfere with the activation mechanism.
## If something is stronger than me, I will just ignore and it will go away.
## If I feel that I must pursue this evil being with power greater than my own, I will do everything necessary [[EvilOverlordList (within reason)]] to allow me to obtain it, and THEN I WILL STOP pursuing the (more) evil power. By that point, I should have far more power than necessary to deal with whatever little, [[PunyEarthlings puny obstacles]] are opposing me.
# The front door of my fortress (or any other building I need guarded) will have ''three'' guards--one standing on each side, and one hiding within visible range whose sole job is to send out an alert if anything happens to the first two (or if they even just have to leave the post for something). Resources permitting, all doors worth guarding will have three guards.
## Additionally, ten guards will be appointed to the largest, most important-looking door in my fortress. That door will lead to the incinerator.
### And I will have one new recruit guarding a shoddy, rusting door. That door will be the hallway leading to my office/throne room. The hallway will be guarded by my best troops and monsters, who know how to operate as a group, and will mob any hero that comes in.
#### Alternately, have that door lead to a room filled with explosives rigged to explode the moment opened (no beeping), provided i have the outside of the room secure and explosive proof
# I will get one of my most loyal followers to disguise as an oracle of some sort and create (or modify, if need be) a [[NoManOfWomanBorn prophecy regarding my downfall]]. Not only will it be a completely useless way to approach me, I'll know what the good guys will be attempting and can thus plan accordingly.
## However, I will first make sure that fake prophecies are not subject to YourMindMakesItReal, ClapYourHandsIfYouBelieve, TheoryOfNarrativeCausality, or any other effect that would give them the force of real prophecies.
## If I'm faking prophecies, I'll make one about an artifact that is my only weakness and can only be taken by the worthy. The artifact will actually be created by me, and its only power will be to kill anyone who touches it. The hero will automatically assume they are worthy and get vaporized. I will also make the artifact not work on me, or at least make it immovable, to avoid a KarmicDeath from any hero who catches on.
### In a similar vein, if my political power depends at least partially on my own mystical power, I shall create an artifact, and a fake prophecy that it grants powers that match my own. This artifact shall be the symbol of my political power. My lieutenants and personal guards shall know that there are several duplicates, which have no power except to inform me of their whereabouts in case they are stolen. I alone shall know that there is no real artifact. That way, anyone seeking to overthrow me will try to steal this artifact. I will then inform my lieutenants that one of the duplicates has been stolen, and I will eliminate the culprit with my own power.
# I will hire an advisor whose sole job will be to criticize my plans and point out their flaws. I will listen to him.
## If said advisor claims that my plan is flawless, I will execute him, solely so that the person who gets the job after him can be forced to watch the execution, eyelids held open with duct tape.
## If I, on a whim, decide to execute my plan anyway, and it really ''is'' flawless, then I'll [[BackFromTheDead resurrect him]], apologize, and [[LaserGuidedAmnesia erase everyone's memory of the whole incident]].
## I will ''always'' include one very obvious flaw in plans I make myself. Should the advisor not catch it, even if he is useful in finding out not-so-obvious flaws in my grand plan, he is to be executed on the spot, as one has to look at the big picture, not just small details that might slip through the cracks. The flaw should be easy to catch and occasionally very hard to catch every few times a specific advisor is used, so that I can accurately gauge their effectiveness in finding them.
## Wasn't this already covered in the original list?
### Very good, advisor. You get to live.
## Instead of hiring a single advisor, I will hire a team of advisors, each with a different area of expertise, with minor abilities in an area covered by another advisor. Should a flaw I notice never be brought up, I will fire the advisor with that area of expertise, and hire a new one. As stated above, executions do nothing to improve morale and job applications.
### And they won't just join up with the hero when you fire them why...?
#### Because by then, a new plan will have been drafted and sent through the advisory process. Therefore, any "tactics" and "information" they bring to the hero will be null. And even then, the advisors are fitted with a small explosive inside their chest cavity that is just powerful enough to destroy the heart, but not so much as to destroy anything else. Of course, the detonators will be on my person and only my person at all times. That way, if they do get any smart ideas, the heroes will initially think he died of a heart attack, or some other ailment, and won't be related back to me until they perform an autopsy, IF they perform one. I'm supposed to be DangerouslyGenreSavvy, so why not make damn sure that you can kill your advisors without it being known that you killed them.
# I will make my DoomsdayDevice look like [[HappyFunBall a stuffed animal]]. Not only will nobody try to stop me from holding my stuffed bear, but should I be stopped it will be given to a hero's child, who will then hug it and cause [[TheEndOfTheWorldAsWeKnowIt The End Of The World As We Know It]].
# Before [[VillainTeamUp teaming up with a fellow villain to defeat our common enemy]], I will first perform a background check. If said villain's ends are [[EvenEvilHasStandards morally repugnant]], or his means are [[VillainBall idiotic]], then I'll just sic the good guys on him.
## Screw that. I'll just let him kill the heroes by himself, then kill him and [[FakeUltimateHero claim the credit]].
## ...Or I'll just let him take the credit anyway, so when people come to avenge the heroes, they'll thank me rather than killing me.
# If I must [[StrangeBedfellows team up with the heroes to defeat a greater threat]], I won't attempt to backstab them during the battle. Instead, I will [[HeelFaceMole fake a change of heart]] and earn the trust of the good guys, in order to [[TheMole discover their secret weaknesses and destroy them from within]].

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# I will keep a pet dog, not a [[RightHandCat cat]]. Dogs are [[PetTheDog better for PR]], more affectionate, and more easily trained to attack.
## I may also invest in becoming a falconer; birds are much harder to hit, can be used for scouting missions, and are decent in causing my enemies grief in battle.
## In no way, though, will I have an exotic or [[TwoBeingsOneBody mutant]] animal as a pet; although incredibly deadly and appropriately awe-inspiring, they are still wild animals, and thus, unable to be fully trained and [[TheDogBitesBack trusted not to eat me at the first chance they get]].
## With any pet I choose to get, I will not abuse it or cosset it too extravagantly, and I will take it through a thorough obedience course.
## Maybe I should look into getting [[RightHandCat a cat]] after all. Possibly several. Not only will they kill the vermin and present me with the tiny corpses, but kitty cat cuteness wil help relieve stress among {{Mooks}}.
### Not only will they relieve stress among the mooks, but among intruders. Having free roam around the base, they can easily [[CutenessProximity distract them]], and they might pause when they see the mook they were about to snipe [[PetTheDog bend down and pet the cat]] - of course, becoming ''consumed'' by playing with the cats will only be tolerated when off duty.
## Wait, that damn FriendToAllLivingThings will still have an out. Okay, along with the cats, I'll get a pit bull. Solves the cat problem, and a pit bull is nobody's friend. I will keep him chained, but well-fed. I know he won't be my friend, but I don't want him killing me first.
### Though I should remember that Pit Bulls aren't ALWAYS that way and as such should remember to train it to not like people, while not being cruel to it as I don't want it to not like [[HoistByHisOwnPetard Me]].
## Alternatively, my cats will be AffablyEvil, and rub up against my captive's legs purring but not be the least bit helpful. In other words, my cats will act like cats, and certainly they'd be less of a threat should the FriendToAllLivingThings turn them against me than a pit bull.
## As a third option, perhaps I should consider small, nonvenomous snakes. Good for evil cred, actually kinda cute, far less likely to hold a grudge than a pit bull, and the average FriendToAllLivingThings won't touch 'em.
### However, I will still look into having a pet cat or dog, just in case that crafty hero's pet is a mongoose.
## An Orangutan could be a worthwhile investment- I can train it to use sign language and how to perform simple tasks, making it useful for surveillance, any mooks that feed it a banana will appear more sympathetic and therefore are less likely to be killed by the hero, it has a lot more strength, reach and dexterity than any human heroes, so it can be trained to attack them, and if they do kill it, I can accuse them of [[HeroWithBadPublicity murdering an endangered species]]. A chimpanzee would also function for most of these purposes, although slightly less well.
## With so many things that can go wrong, better to avoid pets entirely. Mooks will respond better to cash bonuses than kitties anyway.
## Four words: Remote Activated Kitten Bombs. Any Mook worth employing will be able to overcome the urge to play with an adorable baby animal, making it easy to train my evil minions to avoid the creatures just like every other trap in the facilities. Meanwhile heroes and their entourages will likely feel compelled to rescue the animals in the process of raiding my hideouts, creating an easy opportunity to kill the heroes at will.
### This has an added effect of discouraging heroes from befriending any sort of small, potentially useful critter which could ultimately interfere with a later attempt to capture the hero.
## As long as none are [[SonicTheHedgehog anthropomorphic]], hedgehogs are a perfect option. They're adorable, popular online, combine the best traits of cats and hamsters, and can't be turned against me. I will also genetically engineer a giant hedgehog one can ride on the belly of, because they are natural boats, and everyone will pay to ride the lazy river down the giant adorable hedgehog. Once again, the benefit is, unlike most animals, you can't turn a hedgehog against someone. They're adorable, but not that bright.
# I will do the whole "'''[[ThisCannotBe This Cannot Be]]!'''" after the heroes have defeated my ''penultimate'' boss form. That way, when I [[OneWingedAngel sprout a wing]] or [[BishonenLine grow really long hair]], they will be completely unprepared for my next attack.
## Adding a "Psyche!" before I crush the throat of the nearest good guy is optional.
## Or...maybe it would be best to just cut my losses and quietly sneak away while they think they've killed me. Beating my first and second forms shows they are pretty good at fighting, and while getting First Strike or even causing a [[HeroicSacrifice Heroic Sacrifice]] is nice, I'll heal up and then slam them at the beginning of the sequel after they've [[BagOfSpilling given up all their levels and powerups]].
## Alternately, if the hero manages to get into my castle, I will sneak out the back way, and have a robotic double confront the hero. While they're fighting, I'll seal the room and pump it full of poison gas.
## Even better, I'll say that words at the defeat of any and all of my forms. That way, I can whittle them down as they relax and leave themselves open.
### I'm not going to say that at EVERY form, but only at a couple. Saying it with all my forms will just cause them to expect a new form and never let their guards down.
## Unless said hero has the ability to sense that they didn't finish me off, then, I'll just flee before I waste myself on them, and either drop a cage and release poison gas, or drop a cage and bring in minions in all directions to fire at will (PROVIDED THEY AIM FOR THE FEET! This way, there are no accidental deaths on account of stupidity. Also this will drop the hero so they can aim for the face.)
## If a minion is stupid enough to aim straight ahead of him, he will be killed on the spot to avoid a mass murder-suicide chain. Then, they will be ordered to leave, and thousands of large bladed weapons will be dropped with enough speed and/or mass to pierce into the cage and kill the hero.
## I will arrange my minions in a sensible chevron position to avoid having ''any'' of them in each others' line of fire. Thus avoiding HollywoodTactics alltogether. And they will be trained marksmen.
## On second thought, if I decide to kill my opponents by gassing them I will not use poison. Poison is always detectable. I will simply flood the room with nitrogen. The heroes will simply become tired, fall asleep and die. Yes, this means they won't writhe in agony, but on the plus side they also won't notice that they're dying and therefore fight harder or take steps to prevent it.
# If the heroes have the ability to "[[SavePoint save]]" their progress at specific points, I will assign a special force to find these points and destroy them.
## Alternatively, I'll use these points to save ''my'' progress repeatedly. Won't the heroes be surprised when I predict all of their moves? I'll also be prepared for this to take a ''long time'' but for some reason, most heroes have the attention spans of teenagers.
## I will also identify the design of these "save" points, and have my crack team of engineers rig up [[ChestMonster a version that explodes or attacks the heroes.]] Sure, [[VideoGame/IWannaBeTheGuy The Guy]] did it [[strike:[[OlderThanTheyThink first]]]] [[VideoGame/ChronoTrigger second]], but it's a sound strategy, and the heroes will ''never'' be expecting it.
# I will drive a car of the [[EverybodyOwnsAFord same make]] as the heroes. I will avoid traveling in any vehicle between two and thirty years old. In fact, I'll just consult with major Hollywood stuntmen about which type of car they LEAST like to work with, and get one of those.
## On second thoughts, maybe I'll spare 5 minutes to ask ''why'' said stuntmen dislike said type of car. The answer might be important.
# I will remember that OminousLatinChanting is never obsolete, no matter the setting or era.
## I will under absolutely no circumstances ever dance to OminousLatinChanting. OminousLatinChanting is exclusively for killing things to. Killing things and [[MundaneMadeAwesome paperwork]].
### Ominous Latin Dancing?
## If I feel the need to dance, there's nothing better than [[SoundtrackDissonance Jimmy Rushing]].
## If the resident [[MadArtist Mad Artist]] also composes music when he's not busy splattering entrails across a canvas, then I'll ask him to create [[{{Leitmotif}} something original designed especially for me]].
## If I dislike what he composes, I'll either learn to live with it or shoot him immediately.
## If it's [[DeadHorseGenre Disco]], then I'll figure out something worse than shooting. I will figure it out ''quickly'', mind you.
### And if it's country, I will waste no time torturing him by making him listen to his own song for however long I decide.
# Instead of [[YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness killing minions when they're so successful I don't have anything left for them to do]], I will either give them some vacation time or come up with some busy work for them, and call on them again later. After all, I know these guys can get results, so why not keep 'em around a bit?
# If my [[TheDragon Second-in-Command]] asks me: "Why don't you just kill ''[[AxCrazy everything]]''?" then it's probably a good idea to start searching for a new [[TheDragon Second-in-Command]].
## Unless I think that sounds like [[OmnicidalManiac a good idea]].
## In the event that it does sound like a good idea, I'll make sure that my [[TheDragon Second-in-Command]] is the first one I kill.
# Not only will I not build [[AirVentPassageway man-sized ventilation shafts]], I will not build any ledges, back corridors, ladders, or anything else that serves no obvious structural, artistic, or architectural purpose, and seems solely to exist to give the heroes an (alternate) path.
## There will be an alternate route for the heroes, made of ledges over open vats of acid. These will be monitored via both cameras and motion/pressure sensors at all times, and designed to collapse if anybody gets to the middle.
### This path will not lead to my lair, and will in fact not even be located near my real lair.
## Relatedly, if entry to my Evil Lair can only be done by defeating my nine lieutenants and getting their shiny objects, who each have a dungeon of their own, then I will make sure that the one item required to defeat said lieutenants is not in their own dungeons. Also, the key to the indestructible door leading to my Inner Sanctum will be kept on my person at all times.
## In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Double Jump. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. Think about it.
## Better yet, to insure against [[SequenceBreaking Sequence Breaking]] - In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Double Jump.
## Best yet, I will take possession of the Grappling Hook and Double Jump, thus powering up ''myself'' rather than the hero. If I cannot do so, I will destroy them. Heroes are resourceful buggers and will find a way to get every powerup possible -- the only solution is to not leave them any to get.
### Why use such an entry method at all? If getting into a lair requires such methods, I will ''find another lair''.
## Back to the vents. If I really do need wide ventilation shafts for some reason, they will be kept superheated, and full of spikes, various [[DeathTrap Death Traps]], and lava guns. Also, all exit points from the vent will be located just above the pit full of dinosaurs.
### On second thought superheating the ''ventilation'' ducts ''might'' interfere with the airconditioning. Oh and the ventilation.
## All of the dinosaurs will have their histories checked. Nothing is worse than finding out that your dinosaurs [[GladiatorGames refuse to eat the hero]] because [[AndroclesLion he once removed a thorn from their foot]]. Except maybe finding out that the cool spiky ones [[ArtisticLicensePaleontology are actually herbivores]].
## I will also build all the vents out of an extremely conductive metal, and constantly run extremely high voltage through them. They will be insulated from the outside, and if maintenance is required, those doing the work must first submit a request to the control center to temporarily disable the current while the work is being done. Anyone who doesn't do so is TooDumbToLive.
### Actually, I will not electrify my ventilation system, due to the fact that this would just create massive amounts of ozone, which, while a potential hero-killer, would have a far greater problem than smaller ducts.
## In fact, I will spend effort constructing an elaborate evil lair full of death traps, then conduct all my evil business in my mom's basement 27 miles away. A kindly old lady will be a better hero deterrent than anything else.
# I shall create fake building plans showing large fake airvents going into all my important structures. Every fake airvent path will eventually require the hero to drop straight down to another level of the vents. I will use a hologram to cover the fact that once someone drops to that level it narrows significantly. The hologram will also detect that it's been breached, close the lid back up and flood that section with regular anasthetic/deathgas/whatever. My real airvents will be small and built into the walls.
# I will read the FakeDifficulty and {{Unwinnable}} sections carefully and implement '''everything'''.
## Except for the EscortMission. After all, EvenEvilHasStandards. But if I do add it, I'll make sure the hero isn't escorting anyone who'll actually be of any use to him later on.
## Or he'll escort a [[VoluntaryShapeshifting shapeshifting]] minion. Or the the hostage has a tracker implanted into their body. Or better yet: a bomb.
### Two bombs. [[MetalGearSolidVThePhantomPain One in a place the hero won't look.]] And I will make sure to find the body.
## No, that's been tried and it never works. I'll just make him escort a very beautiful woman who has no interest in being an adventurer. Either she'll cause friction with the LoveInterest and blunt ThePowerOfLove a bit, or she'll ''become'' the LoveInterest and start nagging the Hero to get a safer job. Either way, I win.
### Better still, once [[BattleCouple the two]] arrive at my [[TheWarRoom Inner Sanctum]], said Sanctum will be decorated as a very tasteful, but lavish [[WeddingDay wedding chapel]]. By immediately skipping over the FinalBattle and [[AlterTheSpeed moving directly]] to the CleaningUpRomanticLooseEnds segment of [[TheoryOfNarrativeCausality the story]], TheHero will immediately be disarmed by the fulfillment of his LoveInterest's affections! I, of course, will preside over the ceremony.
### Note that the above [[AlwaysMale only works]] if TheHero is male. If otherwise, swap "wedding chapel" with [[AmazinglyEmbarrassingParents "Banquet With Her Parents"]]. Ensure that TheHero's OverprotectiveDad and EvilMatriarch are present. Bonus points if you can get the LoveInterest to notice TheHero's mom. GENIUS! [[EvilLaugh BWAHAHAHA!!!]]
## Even better, if the Hero has a hot mom, and his father is dead, I will hook up with his mother. If he's really a hero he'll obey his stepfather.
### That doesn't even take an AntiHero to make that false. Unless I'm living in a comedy, that plan will not work. On that thought, I will study my universe to see if obnoxious laughter happens if something barely funny happens. If it does, I'm probably living in a sitcom, and could get away with that plan.
# Even if it grants me great power and freedom, I will ''not'' [[DigitizedHacker build or use a device that can digitize my brain and let me loose in cyberspace/transfer me to a robot]].
## If I am forced into a position where such a thing becomes necessary, I will ensure that I first take a Masters course in robotics and computer programming, as well as full A+ and C++ certification; being a digital god means nothing if you don't have the proper firewalls, anti-viral programs and encryptions, after all.
## I will also make a backup copy if possible. I will also take many steps to make sure that the backup only exists on a locked network, and will not be transferred out of it unless the original is deleted. I don't want a [[CloningBlues digital clone]] trying to kill me or anything.
### Alternatively, if I am ''certain'' that the copies will behave exactly as I would, I will make ''many'' of them, knowing that I am the only person they can be trusted not to betray. Also, {{Yaoi Fangirl}}s (or {{Yuri Fan}}s, as appropriate) will ensure that [[ScrewYourself at least two of me]] have ContractualImmortality.
### Wait scrap that, if I am ''certain'' they'll behave exactly as myself I will only ever have one or two clones of myself at max. I will still have the ContractualImmortality from the {{Yaoi Fangirl}}s (or {{Yuri Fan}}s, as appropriate), I know myself well enough to know that with even only one or two clones I'll betray myself at an unexpected moment.
### No, no, no! No clones! Full stop. BackToTheDrawingBoard.
# If and when I finally become lord of my desired domain, and I wish to expand my empire, I will ''not'' randomly pick out a country and attack it blindly; instead, I will study each of my options carefully, learning everything about them as I can, then pick out the ones that would most benefit me in its subjugation and open up diplomatic and trade negotiations with them. Once I have used those negotiations to undermine their economy and political standing, and make them dependent on my exports to live, I will quietly annex them into the empire.
## This will be easier to do if said exports involve mostly Wal-Marts and Starbucks.
## I will also keep in mind the power of propaganda, and have the state-run media smear my intended target for as long as it takes until the people are ''begging'' me to conquer them.
# I will invest in natural, renewable resources to power my evil factories and machines. Smoke-billowing industrial wastelands may be thematically appropriate, but even I'm not immune to the health hazards their pollution causes, and it's far easier to just build another set of solar batteries or wind generators than to find another source of plutonium or coal.
## Obviously, this does not apply if my armies and I [[TheUndead aren't alive anymore]]. Then I can cover the entire planet in a cloud of smoke and ashes, killing all life on the surface, without being affected myself. And if I need more living for [[VirginSacrifice Virgin Sacrifices]], [[LifeEnergy food]] or just to bolster the ranks of my army of the dead, then there are [[AllPlanetsAreEarthlike always other]] [[PlanetLooters sources of life]].
## In that case, I'll set up several "meat farms" to regulate the fleshies we'll need for those purposes; no telling what kind of techniques other societies outside my circle have to take out the undead.
## That said, I will make sure the farms limit the number of meat-bags alive at any given time, are properly supervised, and are divided into small groups (in as much as possible). This is just asking for a noble hero to rise up and start a rebellion among the oppressed. Perhaps I'll just develop some kind of cloning/rapid maturation process instead. No rule says that a human in a vegetative state can't be sacrificed.
## Similarly, I will ''not'' build any machine that is [[{{Unobtainium}} fueled by an incredibly rare or one-of-a-kind material or artifact]]; it took me years to get what I have, now, and I won't squander it away on some easily-stopped DoomsdayDevice.
## Unless I already have it on-hand and don't have anything better to do with it.
## And even then, I'll first make sure that I can't modify it to accept an alternate power source, or for a use that wouldn't be of as much interest to the heroes.
## Hell, if I ''do'' end up coming across any {{Unobtainium}}, instead of immediately building a machine that uses it as a power source, I'll first thoroughly study it to see if I can't synthesize it. If it turns out I cannot, I'll destroy the Unobtainium immediately to keep it from being used against me.
## Or I'll use it to create a bomb. Because if I'm going to destroy it anyway, why not get some use out of it as well?
## Said bomb will be rigged with as many ways as possible to ensure that it detonates. We're talking about a missile that has twelve remotes and eight timers in case it fails to detonate on impact. Try defusing and reverse-engineering ''that'', wise guy.
### If, in this case, I am required to have a turn-off method in the rare case that the thing is activated ''within'' my inner sanctum/fortress/other vulnerable area but unlaunched, it should consist of ten keys, with copies sent to various subordinates, such as lieutenants, with at least two keys in secured locations only I can access, with no other copies of them. These two in particular should contain self-detonation devices implanted in the teeth of the keys, triggered through both the presence of oxygen (or the local abundant gas) and a detonator in my possession, with its own kill-switch in the case it is removed from my possession. Voice commands are optional, but I shall use variations of my normal voice, unused in any other case - 'tis folly to be unable to defuse my own bomb because my lieutenant got himself killed, or the heroes have somebody who can imitate my voice.
### In the same vein, all my ramparts of my primary fortress should be equipped with Aegis missile launchers or equivalent to take down the missile in the rare case the heroes circumvent its protections and send it at my fortress.
# I will hire a team of crack [[Series/{{CSI}} forensic scientists]] and crime scene cleanup personnel to advise me on how to cover my tracks and plant convincingly fake evidence implicating someone else of my latest evil scheme.
## If I "own" the police, I will also make sure I "own" their forensic scientists and cleanup crew, not only for the above, but also to ensure the properly wrong people are prosecuted for my misdeeds.
## And I'm gonna make ''damn sure'' I own the fire department, and possibly poison control as well.
## You know what, screw it. I'm just gonna take over the entire emergency response system ''period''. No ''911'' for you, mortally wounded hero!
### I will also buy up all the local telecoms, and have any ''911'' calls from the hero's phone routed to a phone-sex operator.
# As part of my effort to stay an Equal Opportunity Evil Overlord, I will ''not'' [[EveryoneHasStandards be repulsed by or deny admittance into my squad for the unusual quirks or beliefs of potential henchmen/allies, no matter how socially/morally disturbing]]. However, unless they would prove useful in my latest scheme, I must insist that they practice said quirks/beliefs during their own free time and not on duty, and to be respectful of those of everyone else under my thrall. After all, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone I don't ''want'' hurt, I see no reason why my cannibalistic, necrophiliac {{Satan}}-worshiping underling can't brush up on his rituals of the flesh in his quarters, and it would be hypocritical and unbecoming of me to refuse him that privilege while I'm ensuring [[FluffyTheTerrible Fluffy The Terrible]] has his daily meal of fresh peasants.
## However, I will maintain plausible deniability at all times, both for me and my lieutenants, and begin training a replacement if it looks like a meddling hero will soon come to "remove" him from my service. I may even punish him first if I am looking to gain the hero's good graces for later.
## Also, such people make perfect scapegoats, when they are in charge of some task too unpopular to be considered as something their master or even valuable lieutenants would do with their own hands. It's not too hard to suggest that it was an abuse of power he was offed for, as opposed to execution of orders too eagerly. And most people will believe - save those who are allowed to think their intrigues did the trick. After all, [[JosefStalin it's almost tradition]].
## Alternatively, if I really do have [[EvenEvilHasStandards standards]] then this is what I tell them in order to gather all the scum in one place. And if I can't think of [[BloodSport anything]] [[HumanResources to]] [[MadScientist do]] [[MadArtist with]] a whole bunch of people that [[AcceptableTargets no one will actually miss]], then I need to learn how to do my job better.
## This, however, goes right out the window if my foe [[MetalGearSolid uses stealth]] [[VideoGame/MetalGearRisingRevengeance or is a cyborg ninja.]]
# If I come into an incredible source of power or technology that can be internalized, I will not use it immediately to transform myself [[AGodAmI into a god]]. Instead, I will take it back to my lab and have it analyzed thoroughly for any [[ThisIsYourBrainOnEvil potential harmful side effects that could jeopardize my sanity, health, or standing]], then find countermeasures to them, if any. If it turns out I cannot counteract the negative side effects, or there are too many to counteract, I will destroy it immediately. Under no circumstance shall I leave it for my enemies to find; even if it takes out one or all of them with its corrupting influence, chances are they'll be able to [[DangerousForbiddenTechnique use it to take me out, first]].
## These things make great presents for a trustworthy-but-inept mook, though.
## No. Not even then. When WithGreatPowerComesGreatInsanity, all bets are off.
## Yes, then. I will just put a bomb in the mook's head beforehand. If he shows any ill effects, I will detonate the bomb while the ascension is still in its early, vulnerable stages. Should that fail, I will just go running to the Hero and [[EnemyMine make him clean up my problem]].
### The power upgrade ''always'' allows said Mook-That-Was to neutralize the [[RestrainingBolt headbomb]]. ''Always''.
# I will ''not'' be a SlaveToPR; how I will act and appear before the public eye will be based solely on how such action would be the most beneficial to my plans at the time. Not only will this leave me open to myriad more options to achieve my goals than usual, it'll also confuse the hell out of my PR-shackled enemies and rivals, preventing them from predicting my next course of action and rallying a revolt against me among the (most likely equally confuddled) masses.
## I will still include the benefits of being a VillainWithGoodPublicity into any cost-benefit calculations I make, though.
## I'll also keep in mind that my enemies and rivals will still most likely be bound by PR, and will use that to my advantage whenever possible, unless such exploitation will disrupt my schemes or undermine any PR benefits I might get.
## I will, however, keep in mind that the average AntiHero doesn't care about PR.
# Any giant robot I send after the heroes will have a giant red eye on the part of its body furthest from any kind of critical system.
## Alternatively, the robot and anything else I want to look ominous wil be ''[[BodyMotifs covered]]'' in GlowingEyesOfDoom, with EyeBeams optional. Said eyes will be a mix of colors. That oughta be good for a MindScrew or two.
## I will also equip the robot with an internal bomb rigged to go off if any critical system stops functioning. I will keep the prototypes and unused robots in armored containers in a special facility far from the base just in case a bomb malfunctions.
# If I have a system of teleporters between my evil lairs, they will have surveillance systems. If someone unauthorised steps in them, they'll get a nice one way ticket to the surface of the sun.
## Naturally, the surveillance systems will be immune to hacking, so it is never ''me'' that is sent to the sun.
### On second thought, I will have it teleport the intruder into the Dungeon. That way, if TheHero DOES hack it, I won't die a painful death, my loyal mooks will get me out of there and reboot the entire surveillance system. [[MookFaceTurn If they don't]], I'll free myself using the cell key that I carry with me at all time and have them executed.
# I will never try to steal the power of a god.
## I might reconsider if I am in a [[TabletopGame/DungeonsAndDragons setting]] where something like that might actually work.
## Leasing, renting or bartering for the power of a God, on the other hand, are all viable options, assuming I can find a trustworthy God amenable to the idea.
## I will remember than any God amenable to the idea of giving ''me'' power is probably about as far away from trustworthy as you can get. I will instead devote my resources to figuring out how to [[AGodAmI ascend on my own merits]].
# I will never possess someone, especially not the hero's best friend. It always ends poorly.
## If I lose my body and have to possess somebody, I will go to somebody who doesn't have [[TrueCompanions friends]] who will [[NotHimself notice something odd]] and [[IKnowYoureInThereSomewhereFight help him kick me out.]]
## If I'm picking who to possess, someone who's already evil is a good choice.
## But I'll make sure he's not [[EvilerThanThou Eviler Than Me]].
## If I am the victim of a BodySwap, I will make sure to take a calm look around TheHero's base, make notes, and quietly email them to TheDragon. I will then ingest a slow-acting poison, do something [[IdiotBall stupidly villainous]] to [[BatmanGambit tip my hand]], and wait for the FiveManBand to figure out a way to get us [[ResetButton swapped back]]. First off, of course, I will totally bang his LoveInterest and screw up all that {{UST}} and potential for ThePowerOfLove (or even VirginPower) to save the day. [[WhosYourDaddy See you on Maury]], sucker!
# If I have the hero cornered, I will not hesitate to [[JustBetweenYouAndMe tell him or her the exact and complete details of my evil plan]], up to and including pointing to a door behind which the most important and delicate part of my plan lies. Let's face it; with today's spy technology, computer hackers, and sneaky heroes, it's almost certain that they're going to be aware of the general gist of the situation. I will, however, neglect to tell them that the most important and delicate part of my plan includes the team of heroes vaporizing themselves when they try to turn off or destroy my [[strike:oversized lava lamp]] "force field generator".
# All ceremonies celebrating my [[AGodAmI ascent to godhood]], marriage to the brainwashed princess, or assumption of a powerful magical artifact will take place ''after'' I've actually done so. Preferably by several months.
# If my plans keep failing beyond my tolerance, I will cheat. Who says only the heroes can GameShark and [[GodModders Godmode]] their way past annoying obstacles?
## If cheating is impossible, I will quit, [[HeelFaceTurn turn good]], and throw the entire might of my vast empire behind the heroes. Once I join their ranks, I should be able to find out what makes them unbeatable and either take its power or at least neutralize it. Then it's time to [[FaceHeelTurn go evil again]].
## If ''that'' is impossible, I will remember that (if I've done this at all right until now) I'm immortal and they're not, and I will simply wait 80 years. Nobody's going to expect a sneak attack after I've been a beloved figure of good for two generations, and anyone who could have stopped me will either be dead or infirm.
### I will wait until they are all dead. The infirm can always try to teach the young.
### During the hiatus, I'll keep an eye open for prophecies or such. If they predict a major evil (me) come back in a century, I'll strike in 95 years. Or 105.
# Most teenage heroes, no matter what they claim, (especially if Japanese) will follow the dictates of their family, school, and society. I am a villain. I can ''manipulate'' those dictates. Upon learning that a legendary band of teenagers can defeat me, I will make sure their parents suddenly get great paying jobs in other cities. Also, I will take full advantage of the apparent fact that teenage heroes find it mandatory to follow society and go their own ways after graduating High School. Again, I'll make sure they get jobs far, far away from each other and the original location so none of that pesky "mentor" business.
## Even better, once I take control of a country, I'll make all children/teenagers "wards of the state" (read: trapped in school) up to age 21. It may wipe out my budget, but at least I won't have to worry about [[KidHero those meddling kids]] showing up and ruining my plans.
### Or I'll just [[BreadAndCircuses hand them some snacks, a TV, and a laptop]] and let [[TVTropesWillRuinYourLife the Internet do the rest.]]
## I'll make up the ensuing budget deficit by tying all healthcare plans to employment, so that any [[OlderAndWiser retired heroes]], [[KidHero jobless teenage protagonists]], or [[TheDrifter mysterious hobos]] won't be able to heal their injuries after a fight.
### As an added bonus, this will prevent my minions from [[HeelFaceTurn switching sides]]. Who's going to join the Hero when they don't have medical coverage for the (several thousand) injuries they're going to suffer?
# On the off chance I find a ''good'' genie, I will free him. That way he won't be available for the heroes. Before I free him, I will wish for him to never directly or indirectly help anyone harm or defeat me, ever. Only with that in place (in writing, I think) will I then free him.
# If I find a truly evil genie (as opposed to a LiteralGenie or one who is good but forced to obey), I will find a random cave with no {{Death Trap}}s, put the lamp in it (on an altar so it looks important and can't be missed), and then bribe the local government to rename it "The Ancient Cave of Wonders". Make sure the heroes know about it and find it, and then just wait for my problems to solve themselves.
# In any situation where a number of wishes are granted for me, I will use all the wishes immediately, so as to avoid making accidental wishes with negative consequences. In the event that I have fewer wishes prepared than the number offered, I will make my wishes and then say "I wish for this statement to be a wish" repeatedly until my wishes are expended.
# I will politely ask the genie if I'm allowed to wish for more wishes. If the answer is no, I will wish for more genies.
# I will not leave keys, weapons and medical supplies lying around my base for the heroes to find and use. That's just stupid.
# If any of my underlings proposes their own plan to destroy the heroes/conquer the planet/etc., they will be instructed to take their proposal to a crack R&D team; that team, in turn, will be instructed only to outright reject proposals that, after all reasonable fine-tuning to them has been exhausted, are simply too costly or unreliable compared to the possible advantage gained. I will of course have the final say on which proposals will be accepted or not, but creativity and refinement will be emphasized with all plans submitted. At the very least, the illusion given that I actually care about my minions' little pet projects will keep them from turning against me in an attempt to prove "it'll really work, honest".
# If one of these schemes is good enough to implement, the minion behind it will be right there by my side while it's carried out, and receive full credit for their idea. Not only will it encourage further innovation among the ranks, but it'll paint ''him'' as the target instead of me when someone comes to thwart the scheme and keep me from looking like a GeneralFailure if the plan goes to hell in a hand-basket.
# Especially if said minion is [[DaddysLittleVillain family]]. Nothing bonds a father and child better than a Take Your Child to Work Day where you both get to focus on all of the fun parts of being an Evil Overlord.
# I will encourage a strong sense of camaraderie amongst my legions of terror, especially my QuirkyMinibossSquad. Won't the heroes be surprised when a posse ten thousand strong puts ThePowerOfFriendship on ''my'' side?
# I will encourage MinionShipping, and even be open to advances from my subordinates. Not only will it bring us ThePowerOfLove, but it'll also keep me from even being ''tempted'' to [[IHaveYouNowMyPretty try seducing the hero's significant other]]. After all, the DarkActionGirl has [[EvilIsSexy more to offer me]], and trying to keep up with her is [[AmazonChaser more fun anyhow]].
# I will, however, remember that although eternal love and devotion are nice, they are not the same as eternal ''loyalty.''
# Whenever possible, I should be in a position where I don't have to cover anything up, but if I absolutely have to [[RevealingCoverUp kill someone in order to cover something up]], then overkill is the way to go. So, Mister [[GreatDetective Great Detective]], how do you plan to recover the [[MacGuffin briefcase]] from the embassy when it, your [[ReverseMole informant]], the city the embassy was in, and vast areas of the surrounding landscape are all radioactive ash?
## I will also recall how the Mafia does this, and put someone ''else'' in charge of the coverup, and then kill ''him'' when the first phase of killings is completed. If I have enough expendable minions, I will put at least five cutout layers of killings to cover up the killings to cover up between myself and what I wanted covered up to start with.
## Alternatively, I will instruct the expendable killers with the phrase "It would be nice if ______ was dead" then let them go out and do it. However, they will be killed before they even get back, giving me plausible deniability: "I didn't give an order for ________ to be killed. I do not know of the circumstances of their deaths."
# If I need to thwart the hero's progress, I'll use obstacles that are bafflingly un-obstacle-like when possible. They'll thwart the hero's progress longer if he can't ''tell'' they're thwarting his progress.
# If I am [[PresidentEvil the ruler]] of my own country, planet or solar system, then I will make sure that my military is loyal to me and competent enough to avoid [[TwoDSpace certain]] [[HollywoodTactics mistakes]] common in fiction.
## Obviously, this loyalty and competence will extend to all branches of [[TheGovernment government]], [[CorruptCorporateExecutive business]], [[MadScientist science]], [[TheSyndicate organized crime]] and [[VillainWithGoodPublicity media]].
# I will remember that [[NewMediaAreEvil new media is not (inherently) evil.]]
# Also, I will keep a blog to share my personal opinions on matters. It's [[VillainWithGoodPublicity good for PR]]. What I post will not necessarily reflect what I actually think or feel on the subject, however.
# I will periodically send my assassins to kill random conspiracy nuts in suspicious-looking ways. There is little danger that they will find out about my plans and no one would have believed them anyway, but the heroes will be [[RevealingCoverUp convinced that they were killed for what they knew]] and will get so wrapped up in trying to foil my diabolical plan to give all trees epilepsy that my real plans will go unchallenged. Plus it gives my assassins something to do.
# I will double-check the tinfoil hat theories before killing the tinfoil hatter that came up with them. If it's not something I want people to believe, has nothing to do with me, or seems like something I might want to implement in the near future, the crazy guy gets hired. It's important to think outside the box.
# Explosive gas containers will be stored within metal cages as OSHA standards would require.
# I will not, however stress-relieving it is, practice my golf driving shot with puppies. This extends to all possible interpretations of the phrase. The puppies will not be the ball, the clubs, offering advice, or even present. Dogs are under no circumstances allowed on my fairways.
# My henchmen will work in groups of [[PowerTrio three]] or [[FiveManBand five]], never [[FourIsDeath four]].
# I will mandate that ''all'' groups for all purposes be of either three or five. Including all groups that fight monsters in the name of some other empire. For exactly the same reason.
# I will publicly decree that any group of four in my empire will be punished by death or imprisonment, depending on my mood that day. (I will make only token attempts to enforce this law, just enough that it remains public knowledge.) TheHero will instantly assume I have some kind of WeaksauceWeakness to the number and deliberately form a four-man party. At ''worst'', this will set him apart as a potential enemy.
# I will [[IGaveMyWord fulfill my end of all contracts]], in full, as soon as promised. Even though it might be fun to alter deals halfway through, that's just begging the other party to perform a HeelFaceTurn. And I will not quibble about ExactWords either, unless they're playing the wise guy.
# I will ''never'' promise to uphold my end of the deal before the other party upholds theirs. Just because I want repeat customers doesn't mean I can trust everyone else. (I will ensure this at the promise-''making'' point of the deal.)
## I will also remember that I am doing this out of pragmatism as opposed to a sense of honour, and will not consider this rule binding. If breaking the contract would result in the instantaneous death of the hero and my ascent to godhood, my word will most certainly not be my bond.
# If I am in a [[SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism heavily idealistic]] series/movies/whatever and the heroes suddenly start forming a circle and singing, I will order my troops to retreat immediately. I will then use the time they're singing to put the snipers in place (preferably robot snipers immune to ThePowerOfFriendship).
# When naming my children I'll pay close attention to the meaning of the name. I wouldn't want to give them a positive [[PropheticNames prophetic name]] and having them end up helping to defeat me. Neither should I name them after anyone who betrayed or killed either/both of their parents. Mordred? Bad idea.
# If my significant other insists on ThemeNaming, I'll make sure [[OddNameOut all the children are included in the theme.]]
# If I have a lieutenant who is completely loyal to me, believing me to be on the good side despite the heroes' assurances that I am actually evil, I will ''not'' decide it is a good idea to notify them of the fact that I have secretly hated them for as long as I've known them.
# I will also consider seducing the lieutenant into turning evil himself, so that I can quit with the "I'm really good" act. If this fails, I will just kill the lieutenant -- having to lie to your trusted underlings sorta undercuts the whole point of them being trusted in the first place.
# I will not attempt to "steal Christmas". Or Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Boxing Day, Setsubun or any other holiday widely observed by the people. There is no way it can end well. I will instead make myself well known for [[BreadAndCircuses doing highly generous, festive and visible acts]] in addition to paying proper respect to all socio-religious celebrations.
# I will encourage people to celebrate pseudo-holidays such as Valentine's Day, Flag Day, Hero Appreciation Day... okay, well, maybe not that last one, but having the populace bicker over which holidays are better than which other holidays is more helpful to me than seeing them organize themselves over complete repression of said holidays.
# If I feel the need to rig an election, I will not rig the election such that I will win everything, everywhere, with everyone loving me. I will instead rig it so that I win by a plausible, but not overwhelming, margin. I want my enemies to have the small bit of hope that they can oust me in an election and focus on doing that rather then killing me.
# I will make use of secret ballots and rig the statistics so that the heroes try to start a rebellion in the one place that my popularity is assured. It'll be amusing to watch the heroes outrun a lynch mob, and even if they don't the statistical weirdness should give the conspiracy nuts loyal to me something to play with.
# Any goggles used in my complex WILL be fully [[GogglesDoNothing functional]]
# If I ''absolutely, positively, undeniably'' MUST have a self destruct system aboard my ship, I will ensure that whoever activates will be killed when they do so. If no-one is willing to die to destroy the ship, self-destruction isn't really necessary.
# There are [[BlatantLies only two]] detonation triggers: my personal escape pod and the aforementioned button. In case my personal escape pod is boarded by the heroes, I will have a third detonation trigger for the escape pod given to my most trusted lieutenant. And even that will only work [[TakingYouWithMe after I'm already dead]], so no assassination attempts.
# I will hire sane scientists to balance the work of my Mad Scientists, and my scientists in general will be punished for abusive behavior.
# My [[MadScientist mad scientists]] will be instructed to keep [[NoPlansNoPrototypeNoBackup detailed notes, reports, and day books, which will be regularly backed up]]. Multiple backups will be stored at various locations around my sphere of influence, in every format from dead tree to external hard drives.
# I will leave backup plans on a table when no one is around. And by "backup" I mean "decoy that will fool the heroes into playing along with my evil plans."
# All backups will be regularly checked by well-paid and loyal security guards, and anyone wishing to transport or utilize them will have to be authorized beforehand. Any instance where the backup has gone missing will be reported immediately.
# If at all feasible, I will have DoomsdayDevice Version 0.9 started up five minutes after DoomsdayDevice Version 1.0. Because they will be kept in completely different facilities, my evil plans will have a fair chance of success even if the [[BigDamnHeroes heroes]] somehow manage to stop me [[JustInTime at the last second]]. In fact, if I have time, I will make and use Version 1.1 for my main plan and have Version 1.0 as my backup.
# My base of operations will not have a website. The only computers in my base with Internet access will be on a completely separate network to the main ones, and will ''not'' be 'net compatible.
# I will task my mad scientists with creating a completely proprietary OS for the computers, to prevent any on-site hacking. If there will be no way to find finances for such, I will at least use an obscure and archaic OS, preferably not binary compatible.
# Okay, a lot of problems and rules on all of these lists have something to do with mad scientists, so you know what? Before I even begin the very first act toward world conquest/whatever else I may want, if at all possible, or at least if convenient at the time, I will become a mad scientist myself so I don't have to worry about so many damn problems about the freelance variety and their daughters.
## I will, however, still get all mental illnesses dealt with. [[TheSpoonyExperiment Dr.]] [[AtopTheFourthWall Insano]] never wins.
# I will make sure I am one of the 1,000 smartest people on the planet before I feel comfortable regularly employing the BatmanGambit in my schemes.
# My [[MechaMooks robots]] will be intelligent enough to point out flaws in my plans, fall back if an operation becomes impossible, and improvise new plans on the fly. Their programming will specifically forbid acting against me, valuing their own lives above the mission, and any [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman philosophical thought]].
# If I have to give my robots laws, I will give them the Three Laws of Evil Robotics. The Three Laws of Evil Robotics are:
---> 1) A robot may not injure the Evil Overlord, or through inaction allow the Evil Overlord or his plans to come to harm.
---> 2) A robot must obey orders given to it by the Evil Overlord and his lieutenants, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
---> 3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
# In the event that, as suggested in previous guidelines, I am offered any wishes from a genie or other wish-granting figure, I will, after taking necessary precautions, wish for the First Law of Evil Robotics: "I wish for the power to grant my own wishes, with every wish I make following the spirit of the wish as I intend it at the time I make the wish, including this wish."
# I will always send my AmazonBrigade to [[WouldntHitAGirl defeat male enemies]]. I will make sure they are HappilyMarried, [[AllAmazonsWantHercules to ensure they won't fall in love with them in the case they are defeated by them.]]
# All shipments will be viewed by someone with XRayVision before being let in my base.
# Vampires will not be placed in positions of power. I can do quite well without all that {{Wangst}}, thank you very much. Also, minions who die if they go outside during the day are pretty useless.
# I will execute any vampires that are capable of sparkling on the spot, period. This is, after all, my kingdom, and I hate ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' as much as everyone. After all, EvenEvilHasStandards.
# I will investigate all vampires capable of wielding [[VideoGame/{{Boktai}} Solar-Powered]] weaponry.
# I will consider novel methods of disposal f one or more of my ''enemies'' are vampires or similar creatures, . Sunlight and silver are fine, but I doubt medieval peasants ever had the chance to test vampiric response to disintegrators.
# My jail cells will be sealed by thick reinforced metal bars, not energy fields that can be deactivated by pulling the plug. If I do have access to energy field cells, I'll just make sure they have metal bars as a backup containment method. Energy fields are harder for a hero with SuperStrength, VoluntaryShapeshifting, or [[IntangibleMan other miscellaneous abilities]] to get through.
# If three heroes have been making my life hell at the same time, showing three different personas and sets of powers, I will check the timing exactly to see if its possible for a single organism to have done it all, to prevent any rather [[IAmNotLeftHanded depressing reveals.]]
# My space stations and [[KillSat orbiting weapons]] will be assembled in space and will not be equipped with heat shields. That way, if the hero attempts a ColonyDrop, the satellite will burn up in the atmosphere long before they hit my base. They will not carry enough fuel to move out of orbit either.
# If I send multiple bounty hunters after the hero, I will not make them compete with each other. Instead, I will offer to pay them each the full value of the bounty if they bring the target in together.
# I will [[TheChessmaster study chess]]. I will get good at it. To be on the safe side, I will also have at least a working knowledge of [[ChessWithDeath Twister, Battleship, Yahtzee and other contemporary games]].
# I will remember that in a pinch a game of chess can be won by [[CuttingTheKnot using the board to knock your opponent unconscious]]. I will apply that principle to my strategy when appropriate.
# I will use lie detectors during interrogation. But only if I have access to magical and/or futuristic {{lie detector}}s that ''actually work''. There's a reason why polygraph readings aren't admissible in court.
# I will not [[LoadBearingBoss set my base to self-destruct upon my defeat]]; such sites are notoriously difficult and expensive to locate and build, and it's easier to just take it over again should it be captured, besides. I ''will'', however, set all my equipment to [[ExplosiveOverclocking short out]] and set controllable fires to destroy any projects I am currently working on, to make sure my enemies don't get their hands on them after forcing me out of my lair. I will also make sure that all data and backups for any plans in the works are saved in other locations, so I won't [[NoPlansNoPrototypeNoBackup have to start from scratch with each defeat]].
# If I develop a seemingly flawless plan, only for it to be foiled by the hero at the last second through a million-to-one stroke of luck, I will immediately start work on reusing the same plan. The odds of that trick working twice are a trillion to one. I will keep in mind that there are heroes who can succeed even if the chance of victory is Zero Percent.
# If I have the ability to teleport anywhere, at will, I will wait until the hero is asleep, and then teleport to right beside him and kill him.
# My lair in turn will be warded against both screening and teleport. If possible, the screening ward will project realistic but entirely false images to distant observers and the teleport ward will dispel the buffs on all intruders before shunting them into a suitable death trap.
# If I capture two of the hero's closest companions and [[SadisticChoice force him to choose which one to save]], I will not actually show him his two companions. Instead, I will disguise two of my henchmen as the hero's choices, so that when he inevitably [[TakeAThirdOption saves them both]], he'll be killed by the two henchmen he just "saved".
# If I employ a team of {{Muggle}} laborers to build some device that, unbeknownst to them, is crucial to my plans, I will have a reasonable idea of how fast I can expect them to work. If the foreman tells me it is impossible to finish within the specified time frame, I will listen and adjust my plans accordingly. Having him killed will not make the work go any faster, and suspicious deaths will only attract the heroes to come investigate.
# A hero entered the realm bitter and alone. He met a love interest. She's beautiful. She's smart. She becomes his everything. She is his reason to fight you. If I ever capture both, for fucks sake, DO NOT TOUCH HER IN FRONT OF THE HERO! Cuckolding a hero never works, and only has one possible [[UnstoppableRage outcome]]. Love, jealousy, revenge, and hatred make a very explosive mix.
# When taking over the world I will leave it to [[OmnidisciplinaryScientist licensed professionals]] when using a [[WaveMotionGun Laser of Death, Doom, and Destruction]]. There are good reasons why I hired all those scientists to build my [[{{BFG}} big]], [[WeaponOfMassDestruction dangerous]], and [[ItRunsOnNonsensoleum complex]] weapon. Mostly because it is big, it is dangerous, and it is complex.
# If the heroes have the power to [[ResetButton undo some of my plans]], I will just do them over and over again. It will keep them busy, and it will be a nice way to pass the time.
# If the hero [[LastSecondChance begs me to stop my]] EvilPlan before it's too late, then I will listen to him and seriously consider the merits of his offer. Sure, [[TakeOverTheWorld Taking Over The World]] would be nice, but he might know something I don't.
# I will not make a DealWithTheDevil. Ever. If I ever am in the position where {{Satan}} approaches me with an offer I think sounds good, then I will carefully review the [[GambitRoulette chain of events which led me to that situation]].
# If I ''am'' the Devil or otherwise a mystical creature who likes screwing people over with deals, I'll let someone insignificant "win" once in a blue moon. Maybe I'll pretend to lose, or maybe it'll just be a straight out "honest" exchange. Then I'll make certain that word of this incident gets out. Why? Because it works for casinos and lotteries. Far more souls will be willing to risk it than if ''every'' deal I ever make goes sour.
# I will make sure that I'm DangerouslyGenreSavvy. Though if I'm reading or using this list, I already am. In addition, I will make sure that I don't take everything at face value, but actually ''think'' about this list and how it applies. Some of the things on here are not genre savvy, but I am genre savvy enough to catch them. I will also watch for it in my minions. The ones who aren't are more likely to be incompetent, but the ones who are, are most likely looking to take my place.
# If I am immortal, then I have absolutely no excuse for ''not'' learning martial arts, [[SwordFight sword fighting]] and how to [[ImprobableAimingSkills properly aim a gun]]
# All minions will be taught how to deal with [[BareFistedMonk Bare Fisted Monks]] with reliance on Kung Fu, Karate, or similar. A good ol' fashioned grab-and-slam is unusually effective against them.
# I will not maintain MedievalStasis when I come to power; I will encourage the [[DungeonPunk march forward with technology]]. I will research PsychicPowers, FunctionalMagic, and KiAttacks to surprise any heroes with. Let's see them cope with an unexpected GenreShift from [[HighSchool High School Drama]] to DungeonPunk!
# I will not wield any gun or sword in any combination as my primary weapon. My primary weapon will always be land mines. The gun/sword is a backup.
# As cool as it might seem to have the power to fly or shoot energy blasts out of my hand, given a choice, I will always spring for one or more of the following: immortality, invulnerability, regeneration, precognition, clairvoyance, or supergenius-level intelligence. If I'm really that concerned about it, I'll just use my superhuman intellect to build a jetpack and an energy rifle.
# I will not leave clues for the hero that will eventually lead to my demise. If I do, I will make sure they are false clues, to throw the hero off my trail. In case the hero is not fooled, said false clues will ''not'' be the exact opposite of what I want the hero to do.
# As an alternative measure for [[EvilOverlordList rule 88]], I ''will'' send the same group that failed me again and again. Since they didn't die the first time, I'd rather have those incompetent fools suffer TheWorfEffect instead of my competent underlings.
# As wily old mentors are WalkingTheEarth everywhere these days, I will secure the services of some of the more morally ambiguous ones, so that my henchmen can endure TrainingFromHell and TakeALevelInBadass. It works for the heroes all the time, so why not try it out?
# I will not [[BrainwashedAndCrazy brainwash any captured heroes into turning on their friends]], [[HeroicWillpower they'll always break free in time to stop me]]. If I can catch any of them, I'm just going to [[JustShootHim shoot the guy]] and be content with one hero killed.
## [[TakeAThirdOption Alternately]], I will create a moral dilemma for the heroes by actually treating my captive well. Especially if I don't know how the hero would react to the death. No need to provide a trigger for the hero's UnstoppableRage, and better to provide a way to nullify it. This goes double if the person I captured is also a LoveInterest.
# Should my enemies live in an area I want to take over, I will take over EVERY AREA the heroes do NOT live in, then take over the area they do live in.
## I will remember that this strategy will not work in the event that this promotes the inhabitants of that area to become [[LastOfHisKind the last of their kind]]. Or if they are [[ComicBook/{{Asterix}} French]].
# I will subtly encourage my evil rivals to avail themselves of [[EvilOverlordList Rule 64]]. After all, a good psychiatrist will refuse to treat them, and if they go to an evil psychiatrist, they have handed a convenient master list of all their weaknesses and phobias to someone who will sell it to the highest bidder. As a corollary, I will bid high (keeping in mind the possibility that the evil psychiatrist may be planning a double-cross).
# If I hear about a prophecy or prophecies that state that a child will be born in a certain place with a birthmark or some other sign who will bring about my downfall, I will not immediately send troops to kill the child and its entire family. Instead, I will wait until the child is about five, while keeping it under surveillance, and then have it kidnapped and killed. Once this is done, I will bury the body in a careful location so the body does not get eaten by wild beasts, resurrected by the good guys or wash up on some foreign shore. And for everyone's sake, I will make sure that the child is actually dead, instead if just stabbing it once or suffocating it. Bullets are very helpful, especially fifty-fold.
## Then again, since even at that age, it's a risk, I will instead do what I can to make sure the child has a content and happy life. If this child grows up to be a hero anyway, I'll make sure I've already followed the rules about good PR among the populace, so that the hero has less reason to think I need to be overthrown. If ''that'' doesn't work, I'll realize I'm in a YouCantFightFate story.
## In fact, if I hear about a prophecy at all, I will have my scholars study it and present me with the information. Then I will make sure that I do not do anything the prophecy says I will.
## Since the attempt to avoid the prophecy is what usually sets off the chain of events to its fulfillment, all prophecies will be ignored.
## In contradiction to the above, if and only if I am a VillainWithGoodPublicity, I will personally take said prophecy child under my wing and teach him how to rule an empire while not appearing evil. In the event that the child does decide to carry out the prophecy, I will turn to the heroes and ask them to help me with my child.
### And if he out-backstabs his old man, at least I'll die a proud father.
## Should I still make such an attempt, it will consist of immediately destroying said place and placing guards to ensure that nobody is ever born there. The guards will all be eunuchs.
## Even if I'm to lazy to care about all of the above: when the prophecy tells he's the one who can defeat me, [[Literature/HarryPotter I will NOT try to kill the child by myself]]. He's just a child, so if I send troop to do the job, they will never accuse me of being frightened.
# If some extremely important and powerful foreigners come into my land/s, I will not threaten to take them hostage in my capital while I find and kill the person they were after, ZAKATH. Especially if the person they were after is my enemy too. Instead, I will give them help with their quest, and ship them out of my lands ASAP. After all, "power" is only good when I have it.
## I will, however, send a squad of minions with them, so they can't just [[Literature/TheBible leave the country without telling me where they found said person]].
# If I am aspiring to take over the world, or at least the known world, and I am informed that there is/are a person/s that can stop me if I do so, I will not kill the person who told me this and send out my entire force to kill the person/s. Instead, I will make sure that they cannot know about my plans and/or conquests until it is too late to stop me.
# I will have a staff of public servants who will behave as ''servants'' of the people; that is, be friendly and helpful. Also encourage idealistic people to work with the disadvantaged. Let them be known and liked among the population, so that they can hear any bit of gossip and learn ASAP whenever something unusual is happening. I would also encourage people talking in taverns and public places on all possible subjects, in front of public servants. This would save millions in local espionage salaries (and people engaged in such internal espionage tend to have an intimidated appearance which encourages people to shut up instead of babbling - which is what I want them to do). (This by the way is how all the German spies who parachuted in Ireland were caught within hours. Anyone who saw a stranger would mention it in the pub where the local cop was having a beer, so the authorities found out without having to pay any extra money - the cop paid for his own beer).
# If I can't replicate it, I can't fix it. If I can't fix it, I can't control it. If I can't control it, ''I will not use it.''
## This includes my own children and grandchildren, to a certain extent.
# When designing my fortress/fort/castle, I will not choose a Gothic design on a mountaintop in brooding, dark stone with too many towers and the occasional eagle. And it won't be surrounded by lava. Instead, I will design it somewhat in the manner of Castle Floret: on a raised hill surrounded by a moat, with a big heavy drawbridge. Also, the castle will be designed for height rather than length, and I will place the prison/gaol/dungeons right at the top.
## I will always make sure that any door that needs to remain locked will have at least three locks, which cannot be picked. Also, the hinges will be placed on the outside, NOT the inside.
### In fact, before throwing anyone into my dungeons/gaol/prison, I will have them stripped and searched, and put into the minimum amount of clothing it will take to keep them warm. The cloth will not be durable or strong, so they can't use it for a rope. Even if they are very old/venerable/respected, I will not leave any personal effects, especially not medals. Also, window bars will be hammered onto the outside, not the inside.
#### What are these "windows" that everyone keeps referring to? A good, solid, deep-underground dungeon is much more effective. Especially if you have a lead- and kryptonite- lined one.
# If any of my towns/cities/forts, etc are to be outfitted for defense against armies, including big heavy walls, I will have them buttressed from both the outside and the inside, in order to prevent an inside job.
# I will not sexually harass the princess I've captured. When I am inevitably caught red handed by the hero, he'll just be that more pissed off because he hasn't got that far with her.
# When engaging in warfare with whatever army the hero has assembled, I will ''not'' attack his army directly, even when my army outnumbers his [[MillionToOneChance a million to one]]. It will almost always be defeated through luck, tactical brilliance on the hero's end, or incompetence in my own minions. Instead, I will target his ammunition dumps, food stores, fuel reserves, and medical supplies. Without these, he can't raise an army to fight me in the first place. Remember, amateurs study tactics; ''professionals'' study logistics.
## ... and winners study finance. I will thus, if given any opportunity to, find out how the hero and/or his allies intend to pay for their war material in the first place, and utilize whatever options I have to confiscate, nationalize, tax, execute leveraged buyouts upon, or otherwise economically ruin their financial situations to prevent them from building up any ammunition dumps, food stores, etc., in the first place. Plus, if I do it right, there'll be more ill-gotten gains for me.
### In the event that the hero intends to support his logistical efforts by stealing from ''my'' stockpiles, I should give him every opportunity to do so. The part where I make sure what he's stealing from me is as laden with as many tracking devices, poisons, creative yet subtle malfunctions, and/or hidden tactical nuclear warheads on a timer as I can arrange for doesn't even need to be mentioned, does it?
## As an addendum, if I ''must'' fight the hero, I will use as small and economical a force as I can reasonably field, even if I could deploy vastly larger numbers of troops. This force will be led by my most [[MisaimedFandom well-liked]] minion(s). If my troops are outgunned, they garner sympathy and avoid [[ConservationOfNinjitsu being weakened by being part of a much larger force.]] Plus, it costs less.
## I will, however, make sure I am not in a setting where [[EasyLogistics brain-dead monkeys can handle the logistics]].
# If I am a troper for this wiki, I will not take Administrivia/ThereIsNoSuchThingAsNotability for granted. Sure, the hero may never find a use for my fears and turn-ons, but why take that chance?
# If I am in charge of a nation/empire that shares its continent with many others, and I go to war with some of them, and I am the Overlord of my few countries, I will never, ever regard another nation as "useless" simply because they have no real army. Chances are, they're renowned for poisoning and assassins, and you can kill an enemy just as easily by poisoning him as you can by actual conflict.
# If I hear about any form of magical fruit/s that can give the eater a special power, I will not:
## A, immediately amass a list of all the people who had eaten the fruits and have them all killed,
## B, gather all the fruits and have them destroyed, or
## C, all of the above. Instead, I will amass a list of these people, and gather some (SOME, not ALL) of the fruits. I will eat a fruit myself and then give the others to those of my staff who need special powers, like trusted lieutenants or brilliant generals. Then, I will instruct my staff to offer employment to each of the people who had eaten a fruit in the field that they desire to work in, with a lot more equipment.
### Before doing so, I will make sure there aren't [[AchillesHeel any]] [[BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor nasty]] [[ThisIsYourBrainOnEvil side]] [[WithGreatPowerComesGreatInsanity effects]].
### I will also make sure that, if there are such side effects, that I will never be in a position for them to be exploited. I will also make sure that I myself am not affected by such side effects, but what better use is misdirection than as a weapon?
# If the main race of my countries/empire/nation has a very big personality flaw, such as greed or anger, I will attempt to get rid of this flaw. Personality flaws destroy nations, as the Marags found out.
# Amateurs MUST BE KEPT AWAY FROM VOLATILE SUBSTANCES. Only skilled and experienced arsonists or explosive experts will be allowed to blow anything up, and that only if they work for me.
## As well as that, I will never keep all of my explosives in one room. That has some baaaaaaaad results.
# My execution chamber will contain a variety of complex Rube Goldberg Death Traps, with a substantial time delay from the moment the switch is thrown until the eventual horrible death, from which a victim of sufficient ingenuity might conceivably escape. Needless to say, these will never be used on any prisoner I seriously want dead; those get a single pistol-bullet to the brain. The Rube Goldberg devices will be used on condemned-but-unimportant criminals on my realm-wide reality TV show, ''Who Wants to Live?'' It's always a good idea to give your subjects BreadAndCircuses. Surviving contestants will be offered recruitment in the Assassination Regiment of my Legions of Terror, or a single pistol-bullet to the brain.
# Honor is worth its weight in gold. A ''reputation'' for honor, on the other hand, might have some practical value. Therefore, I will never make a promise I might find it inconvenient to keep, except when breaking it is certain to result in the immediate death of all persons other than myself who know it was made.
# I will take acting lessons until I can perfect the role of a fawning, cringing, servile toady. My trusted lieutenant will be trained to strut around in black robes intoning things like "Seize them!" and "Evil will triumph!" in a booming, sepulchral voice. Thus if the hero is ever brought into my presence, my lieutenant and I will switch roles, just in case the hero has something up his sleeve despite being naked and shackled (they always do, you know). This will allow me to remain in the room and keep an eye on the situation while my lieutenant becomes the target of any possible attack. My lieutenant, just to keep him from getting above himself at that moment, will have a minibomb inserted into his heart, to which I will have the detonator in my pocket.
# My Legions of Terror will not march back and forth in front of my Fortress of Evil carrying long spears and wearing flashy, terrifying uniforms. That role will be filled by expendable security guards (or even more expendable actors) hired from a private agency. My Legions of Terror will wear practical camouflage fatigues and be trained to lurk out of sight until needed.
# If a incompetent subordinate fails me, I will not execute him; that would give his friends and relations a grudge to nurse. Instead I will [[KickedUpstairs transfer him to some functionary position with no important responsibilities and no prospect of advancement]]. He will still be of some use to me but his incompetence will no longer be any major hindrance to my schemes, and everyone will praise my mercy.
# I will not try to discipline my beautiful daughter to rein in her dangerous carnal appetites. To the contrary, I will raise her to use and discard men like this week's hot fashion. That way, if she falls in love with the hero . . . well, that's what ''he'' thinks!
## Which will end with her discovering true love with the hero and joining his quest to conquer you. Expect her to die dramatically later on as her continued existence would interfere with the hero getting it on with the flower girl childhood friend.
## Screw it, I will either not have children, or, failing that, raise them to have healthy but accurate attitudes about sex, and have them understand that relationships are based on mutual trust and respect, not some AccidentalPervert bursting into their personal Hot Springs.
### As a corollary to this, my daughter will instinctively go for the mace in these situations, rather than the MegatonPunch. It's hard for anyone to be dashing when they're clawing at their eyes.
#### I will develop a spell called Acid Spray. Only my spouse(s) and children are permitted to know it. Anyone who is not my child and knows it is to be adopted into my family immediately.
#### And if they don't want to join? If I force them, they'll betray me. If I kill them, that's bad for PR. Better just go with the mace.
# I will never employ any DoomsdayDevice that is so destructive it would leave me with no world or subjects to rule over. I mean, if the world leaders can't or won't come up with the ransom, what options does that leave you?
# If I discover that the hero has an OrphansPlotTrinket in his possession, I will not show up at his door dressed in [[SpikesOfVillainy spiky armor]] with a gang of mooks and demand he give me the WhiteMagicianGirl's necklace. Not only will he wipe out my squad, but now he knows that the trinket is important and will go to great lengths to figure out my plan and keep it away from me. Instead, I will disguise myself as a merchant, and when he stops at my store to pick up the latest weapon, I will offer to buy it from him for an exorbitant amount of money, or perhaps trade it for a component of the InfinityPlusOneSword. Not only will it allay any suspicion, but if I get the necklace or whatever at the beginning of the quest, my plans will be complete before the good guys have any idea what happened. Besides, you can't get the InfinityPlusOneSword until the very end anyway, and he won't make it that far.
## Beforehand, I will hire a friendly pickpocket to steal it. If he is caught by the hero and becomes his sidekick, he will be my mole. I will have already implanted a bomb in his brain without his knowledge so I can kill him at the time of his inevitable HeelFaceTurn.
## Naturally, any weapons I sell him during the transaction will be faulty. They will also be coated with poison, but only on the handle.
## Depending on the laws of the universe, curse items can be an amusing (and effective) thing to sell to the hero. Just be careful when handling the merchandise.
## If I do trade the OrphansPlotTrinket for a component of the InfinityPlusOneSword, I will not give the hero the ''real'' component. A fake will suffice in this case. I will, however, ensure that all [[GuideDangIt strategy guides]] written claim that the component I provide is, indeed, the real one. Additionally, the actual stats of the InfinityPlusOneSword will be drastically overestimated in the guides, increasing the hero's desire to obtain it. This may possibly result in a HeroicBSOD once the hero spends thirty hours collecting [[RandomlyDrops randomly dropped]] components, and at last has all the others, but cannot create the sword due to the fake.
### If possible, I will obtain all the components of the InfinityPlusOneSword myself. I will then hide them in different areas around the world - none of these will actually be feasibly ''accessible'', however: for example, one component may be buried several hundred metres below the ocean floor in a randomly selected area of the sea. At least one component will be stored on my person at all times, however. The strategy guides will claim that the components are in entirely different locations, also quite hard to access. Needless to say, the guides will only be revealing the locations of fakes. By the time the hero's collected them all, I'll have put my final plans into action.
### Even better, if I can obtain all the components myself, I will make the sword and use it to fight the hero. I will keep it on my person at all times. The only way anyone else can possibly get it will be to kill me, which they will not be able to do because I have the most powerful weapon in existence. I will also look for any available Infinity Plus One Armor and accessories.
### I will find any available GameBreaker and use it as much as possible. Especially instant-kill type things.
### However, keeping it on my person at all times gives heroes a better reason to kill me: I drop the best weapons in the game. Maybe I should keep them in a safe when not in use.
# I will find the BonusBoss, and do anything in my power to get it on my side. Even if the hero manages to defeat it, he'll be so weak afterward, that I can kill him without any trouble.
## Only if I decide to attack at the same time. Like hell I'm gonna become the second member of a Sequential Boss Fight, or - me forbid - give them time to rest. If the boss and I cannot battle the heroes at the same time, I'll just hide one of the aforementioned fake InfinityPlusOneSword parts with the Bonus Boss and request that he advertise that he has an important artifact capable of destroying my plans.
# I will never keep the final room where I reside, with my hostage/artifact, (or if the room is my last escape point) guarded by a a line of bosses ending in one big, almost undefeatable one. Chances are that it will be defeated, and if I have no other security, I'm stuffed.
## Instead, I will have it guarded by [[DeathCourse a very long hallway full of nothing but turret guns]]. The bosses will all be with me in the final room. They will all jump the hero as soon as he walks through the door. At once.
### While I run away. Or disguise myself as a previously-unknown-but-obviously-innocent hostage.
# I will create agencies staffed by experts and competent leaders to deal with any and all natural disasters, even if the chance of it occurring is less than one percent. I will supply these agencies with twice the funding and manpower they claim to require. They will be ready to act at a moment's notice and have outposts loaded with supplies at all towns and cities of significant size and will regularly practice drills with the public of what to do in the event of a disaster. It will do me no good to crush my enemies if a freak act of nature brings my empire to its knees.
# Very often, the ChosenOne has mentors who are...let's be charitable and call them dicks. They'll use their OmniscientMoralityLicense to put the hero through hell, make them have to make hard choices whether to defend the world or their families, and generally not be very truthful when it comes down with it. Should my spies report this is the case, I will pay for the hero's little brother's education, and keep his grandparents fed and healthy, and give his IllGirl sister her operation. And there won't be any of those "mwahaha, but you have to do something evil first" deals. No, this will be be done with a smile.
## Why? Because on that day, that day of destiny where he faces me down at my throne room; he will remember my kindness to him, and hesitate; and maybe even offer for me to join the Light Side. And I'll give a warm smile, verify he doesn't have any shield or illusion abilities, and shoot him full of lead, with 20 snipers in the rafters backing me up.
### Or better yet I will frame the mentor as the bad guy, offering said mentor's TrainingFromHell as proof of Evil and depending on the circumstances use the inevitable HeroicBSOD to either kill him while defenceless or get him to work for me.
## If the hero doesn't have a mentor that puts him through a TrainingFromHell yet, I'll pay a hefty sum to a wise-looking jerk-ass (preferable some who has some real skill) to pose as a powerful old Kung-fu or magic master who dislikes me. When the hero comes by, he must show off his power, and eventually, reluctantly, offer him training. He will then send the hero into deathtraps. If the hero survives, he'll be told "Well done, you completed the first step of your training. Now for the next 27". If the hero is in any way GenreSavvy, he'll think it normal and thank the jerk-ass for it. I will supply the deathtraps, making sure they are in no way related to the deathtraps that I actually use for my own security, and I will monitor what exactly the hero learns in case he keeps surviving.
### One better. I will make sure that the martial art he is taught will be one that is useless against my own brand of martial arts. Assuming that I have a use for the hero at all. Otherwise, I'll make sure that the "martial art" he's taught will actually make him a worse fighter than he already is.
# If I possess craft capable of taking cities off the map from orbit, I will not bother with a ground invasion but instead kill the hero and his [[DoomedHometown hometown]] without him ever seeing me. The hero and his or her friends need never meet me or my Legions of Doom in person.
## Spies to make sure he is there and coroners to confirm it after the fact are worth their weight in gold, however.
## The locations of anti-aircraft missiles that could shoot down my vessels will be my first targets, and given no warning.
# Additional to point 10 of the original list: if I possess a fleet of spacecraft, ocean-going vessels or whatever, I will make sure that any captured heroes are brought not to my flagship, but to a small support ship (without the capacity to destroy my flagship).
# If the only thing that can kill my enemy is a silver bullet, I will make more than just ONE silver bullet.
## The first two bullets in the magazine will be ordinary bullets. These will lure my enemy into a false sense of security, ensuring he doesn't try to dodge when it counts.
### Unless the hero is NighInvulnerable or MadeOfIron, he'll still dodge the bullets because they'll hurt like a bitch. I will use all silver bullets so that when I finally hit him, it will kill him.
# I will not give myself an absurdly specific name, but rather be known as "Mr. Guy, subjugator of places." My methods will remain unknown to all but my own minions.
## Also, I will use a variety of MindControl that [[MindControlEyes deletes the victims pupils]], then outfit my new minions with artificial senses twisted as to make them do my bidding whether or not they realize it.
# As an extension of [[EvilOverlordListCellblockA rule 136]], any bomb that I build will be salvage-fused: If even a ''single'' wire (''Any'' one of them) is cut, the bomb will detonate immediately.
## That might be a ''bad'' idea, if the hero plans on [[TakingYouWithMe taking me down with him]].
### How about if the wire you need to cut to disarm the bomb is cleverly hidden directly beneath the countdown timer?
## Any bomb I build will have a psychic connection to me, and will not detonate if I may be harmed by the explosion. As soon as I'm safely out of the blast radius, the bomb may go off freely.
# If the hero's sidekicks are all or mostly [[YaoiFangirl Yaoi Fangirls]] or [[YuriFan Yuri Fanboys]], I will use this to my advantage. If we are both highly attractive [[BeautyEqualsGoodness (and the hero is NEVER not)]], they will be too distracted by my [[FoeRomanceSubtext innuendo-laden dialogue]] to even ''think'' about killing me off. As a nice bonus, the hero will likely be too confused to attack.
# If I for some reason decide to take my enemies alive, I will keep in mind modern prison standards when designing cells for my enemies. All cells will have modern concrete walls and floor, as throwing the hero in a decrepit and abandoned old part of the castle with brickwork that could potentially be dug through and leaving him to die unsupervised is right out. For important prisoners at least two guards will be posted outside the cell at all times and will have easy access to a button that will immediately kill the prisoner in case of prison riots, betrayals or attack by enemy ninjas. The cell block will also be kept under constant surveillance with hidden cameras, with the control room having remote triggers for all the 'kill prisoner' buttons.
## As an addendum to this I will never store captured heroes' weapons, armour or HumongousMecha anywhere near the prison cell blocks. Provided I cannot immediately put them to use I will have them either melted down or booby trapped and stored in a well-fortified warehouse several miles away from my prison. If it's a mecha, I'll have the cockpit removed entirely.
# I will know when to call it quits. If for example, I live in a universe where the heroes always win no matter what I do or how GenreSavvy I've become because that's the way the universe works or because the heroes have a higher power on their side (like God or the writer), then I won't stay around until I'm wiped out. I will move to a new universe and try my luck there.
## I will consider turning over a new leaf and being a morally ambiguous AntiHero. You'd be AMAZED what you can get away with if you focus on AcceptableTargets.
### In particular, I will be either an extremely kind dictator ala Dr. Doom, or a psycho killer that's either funny or awesome, like {{Deadpool}} or Deathstroke.
# I will never write my memoirs, and if I do, I will never put anything that is a secret in them.
## I will never [[WebVideo/DoctorHorriblesSingAlongBlog discuss my nefarious plans on my blog]].
# I will keep the fact I've just achieved immortality a secret, once it happens. Bragging about it just gives people the motivation to prove you wrong.
# If one of the villagers in my realm has a legitimate beef with a member of my Legion of Doom, I will deal with the matter in a fair and equitable manner. If they have no reason to be disgruntled, they won't bother helping the hero when he comes around.
# I will keep my peasants in check by providing a wide variety of amusements and entertainments. They won't bother helping the hero if it means they might miss their stories.
## I will also get rid of [=TiVo=].
# To all potential (heterosexual) MALE Evil Overlords: All my nefarious plans can wait until after my wife's birthday, daughter's wedding or any significant girl in my life's important events. Missing said event will likely cost me very dearly under the "Hell Hath no Fury" clause. No event in the girl's life would be too insignificant, cause honestly, who kills the evil overlord when he's having tea time with "Daddy's Little Princesses and her court of Cute Stuffed Animals"?
## And I can plan for the ceremony that happens during the total eclipse, but I will remember to plan for the above events as well. While I'm out shopping for the necessary materials for the ceremony, [[VillainsOutShopping I can also shop for gifts]]. Just another way of making sure I'm prepared for everything.
## If I remember such important dates, and the hero forgets that with his love interest, the humiliation would be worth it for that alone.
### I will make it a point to remember the birthdays/anniversaries of all people opposed to me and celebrate accordingly.
### I will send gifts to the heroes who thwarted my plans of world conquest on the appropriate days, to show that I bear no grudges against them. Ruling the world would be boring without people trying to oppose me. We can also play chess in the park between the inevitable conflicts. The heroes are one rung below the QuirkyMinibossSquad on my list of friends. Which is to say, when the hero falls on hard times from turning down all those rewards, I'll offer to let him join the squad.
## Similarly, my Legion of Doom will be gender neutral and all male legionnaires will be required to take sexual harassment courses prior to working for me. I will have an [[AmazonBrigade all female detachment]] of my Legion of Doom specifically trained to deal with both equal opportunity heroes and all female bands of heroes (as well all male bands, but they are increasingly harder to come by) well before they come close to my inner sanctum. I might not have [[EvenEvilHasStandards standards]] but that is no guarantee that my co-conspirators in my League of Doom round table don't and [[WouldntHitAGirl hitting a girl]] is generally one of those that is more common. On the flip side, it also looks bad if you are beaten by a bunch of girls so having a girls-only attack group can help avoid that and the male heroes will never hit a girl. And taking down my regime might mean that they aren't pro-feminist, which will cause the female forces in my Legion of Doom to work even harder to defeat them.
# I do not need to beat the hero myself. In fact, the less I need to see of ThoseMeddlingKids [[Franchise/ScoobyDoo and their dog]], the better. All troops under my command will be instructed and made clear that killing the hero in battle will earn them a handsome pay bonus. Legion of Doom troops tend to respond to two things: kindness from superiors and greed. And I have just wrapped them both up in a bag of super motivation.
## Likewise, all Legion of Doom troops limping back from a battle with the heroes will be fully compensated for injuries. At least they tried to get him, ya know?
## Wait, but then what happens if the offer of pay bonuses causes my minions to fight with ''each other'' over who gets to kill hero, leading to his subsequent escape? No, instead I'll offer a bonus to my ''entire army'', funds permitting, so that they'll all be more likely to work together to bring down my foe.
### The best method would probably be to offer a pay bonus, secretly, to the unit detached to kill the hero (on the condition that, if they fail the first time after the pay bonus was offered, they cannot get it even if they kill the hero later, unless otherwise specified, and that talking about the bonus would get them severely demoted). You want to pay the lowest amount of people you can the bonus, so that you save money, while still causing no competition. The clause that the bonus is a one time deal is so that Unit A, which failed, does not sabotage Unit B when it goes out on a mission. If units are interchangeable, IE if minion C is a part of A and B, they either get two shots at the bonus, or are stuck with only unit A (or demoted to unit D, since they failed at killing the hero). It all depends on how your army is set up, but the basic premise is similar no matter what.
### Or so that every Unit still has a reason to try, I will simply give bonuses to all troops involved in the capture. If Units A and B cooperate in capturing the hero, then they both get the bonus. I should have enough money to afford it, and I'd rather make sure that none of the minions are bitter about blowing their chance at the bonus.
#### If I can avoid dealing with Inflation, I will attempt at least one of the above compensation plans.
## Alternatively, tell all the minions that everyone in the group which killed the hero will get a bonus in the form of a night out to the bar with all their tabs paid by me. It's enough that most minions would work harder to get it, but not so much that they would kill each other for it.
# When engaged in time travel, I will never ally myself with ThoseWackyNazis. It never helps and brown is such an ugly color.
# I will not censor the Internet. Nothing pisses off kids more than not being able access Wikipedia and Website/YouTube.
## Instead, I will pay vast sums of money to Yahoo, Google, Microsoft, and other companies in order to acquire software that is used to block porn and other stuff. It worked for China, why shouldn't it do the same for me?
### Three Words: Iranian Election Fiasco.
# Although I enjoy MoreDakka and a wide selection of {{BFG}}s as much as anyone, and it does wonders for establishing my superiority over the hero's nation, once superiority has been achieved, I will withdraw all such weapons from service in my armies, as well as all armored vehicles and aircraft. My forces may question this decision, but when the hero begins his first mission and realizes he will never acquire a weapon more powerful than his starting pistol or enjoy a vehicle section, he will resign in disgust and learn to live under my rule.
## On the other hand, I will leave vehicles lying around, but make the controls as difficult and unreliable as possible [[ScrappyLevel so the hero will give up after the first few tries.]]
### I will not leave the keys in these vehicles. They will be provided to [=NPCs=] in the form of implanted security chips. Any [=NPC=] able to start a vehicle will be situated a very long way from the vehicles in question, and must be [[EscortMission escorted to said vehicles]] by the heroes. These [=NPCs=] will have [[OneHitPointWonder one hit point.]] Possibly ''half'' a hit point.
# If I manage to find out the birth date of the hero, well ''before'' the actual date, I will head for my space station and have an asteroid ([[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTKau14cvQ4 preferably one whose diameter is measured in the hundreds of miles]]) be dropped on the planet. I will then watch as the planet is quickly sterilized.
## Are you an evil overlord, or are you just [[VideoGame/FinalFantasyVI Kefka]]?
# I will not have anyone work on a project involving something that had killed their families or traumatized in any way without their explicit consent.
## In ''writing''.
## If my lead researcher's family was killed by my Computer Assisted Biologically Augmented Lifeform, I won't have her in charge of my Logarithmically Engineered Governing Intelligence? especially if essential in obtaining the artifact necessary for my ascension. I'm looking at you, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquerTiberianSeries Kane]].
# If I am the most powerful being in the universe and am fighting the hero in personal combat, I will not hold back my true power or give him a handicap of any kind just to make things interesting.
# Satisfying as it may be to humiliate my enemies, I will [[KneelBeforeZod not demand that they kneel at my feet]]. It always goes downhill from there.
## Especially if there is sand and small, sharp, bladed weapons.
# The SmashMook and the MightyGlacier will not be provided with melee weapons. They will take advantage of their strength by dual-wielding flamethrowers. Not the realistic kind, but the kind that fires in a wide cone. And they will only guard hallways. Dodge that, hero.
## Preferably the kind of hallways that are right around a corner, lest the hero decide to take advantage of the lack of range on a flame-thrower. That's when the big guy should switch to his backup mini-gun.
## Alternatively, I will give them both long-range weapons ''and'' short-range/melee weapons or weapons that double as both, like a [[EpicFlail flail]] or a [[AxeCrazy battleaxe]] that has a machine gun or two built into it. If I do give them just a flail, I will keep the hallway smooth and free of features that [[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaTwilightPrincess the hero can climb, swing, or clawshot onto]]. And I will also give all minions a handgun as a backup weapon, so if the hero does manage to get behind them, they can let go of the big heavy ball on a chain and JustShootHim.
# I will observe the hero's habits and try doing some research on him/her. If s/he is one of those heroes who doesn't even try to dodge incoming fire in a dramatic scene, I will always try to create as much drama as possible and shoot towards him once to save ammo.
## [[ImmuneToBullets Assuming there isn't a good reason s/he wouldn't try to dodge incoming fire in a dramatic scene.]]
# If I have a super weapon that I don't have to worry about the ammo for, I'll freaking use it.
# I will give my minions armor that actually does something, and I will wear the same armor to confuse my enemy.
# I will hire a comedian to make sure my one liners are damn funny so that I can kill my enemies while they're laughing.
# If a [[Series/DoctorWho twentieth century British police box]] appears out of nowhere, I will summarily drop whatever plans I have and make myself scarce. Said plans are almost certainly going to be thwarted.
## In the event that the darned contraption follows me, making my Beautiful But Evil Daughter look like Rose Tyler and sending her to distract the occupant may buy me some time.
## Dropping all plans and hiding may be premature. Police box occupants are often willing to offer a reasonable settlement before resorting to wholesale thwarting of evil plans. If, for example, I am offered some perfectly nice unoccupied planet elsewhere to take over in lieu of the Earth, or some means to achieve my research goals without needing to kick dogs by the thousand, I will not refuse unless I have a very, very good reason indeed.
## If a police box appears out of nowhere, and I am notified ''immediately'', I will obtain the police box and attempt to send it to a parallel universe. I will ensure that no occupants have ''left'' the box first, however. If nothing else, the occupants will be delayed for a couple of episodes before the box shows up again. During these episodes, I will build a [[VillainWithGoodPublicity good reputation]], and put my more obvious evil operations on hold. When the box returns, I'll be a benevolent leader, and with any luck, [[VillainOfTheWeek the occupants will instead defeat one of my rivals]].
# If I turn a named good guy into a mindless drone, either through mind control or more... [[BodyHorror invasive methods]], I will make sure any superfluous memories and emotions are permanently obliterated. If I cannot do this without making them mindless, I will give them identity-concealing helmets and ship them to a ThrowAwayCountry for life. I will never under any circumstances order them to kill their friends.
## Speaking of that last point, if I discover one of my lieutenants has a past personal connection to the hero, I will not push my luck by either ordering him to kill/brutalize the hero or [[MachiavelliWasWrong treating the hero brutally while the lieutenant is watching]] (and most certainly not while they are the only other two in the room, [[Franchise/StarWars Palpatine]]). In fact, I will ideally have the lieutenant killed to be safe. If he is a trusted one and/or I don't feel like shopping for a replacement, I will casually mention his unused vacation time and hold off action against the hero until the lieutenant is sipping martinis in the Bahamas.
# I will not [[AnyoneCanDie kill]] {{God}}. [[YouKillItYouBoughtIt It]] [[AGodAmI never]] [[RageAgainstTheHeavens helps]] [[ThisCannotBe in the long run.]]
## When His son, or [[CrystalDragonJesus an equivalent thereof]], shows up, I'll convert as soon as possible.
# My organization will NOT have any sinister sounding words such as "[[DoomyDoomsOfDoom Doom]]" or "Evil" in its title. This would only be a dead giveaway to both the heroes and common masses, and cause recruiting problems.
# Any [[SugarBowl magical lands with overly cute inhabitants]] will be destroyed by nuclear missiles launched from a distant location. Even the sweetest-looking may be home to a potential hero or his allies.
## However, before using missiles to nuke aforesaid magical ice cream cake lands, I will first consider crop sabotage, introduction of invasive species, or other more low-key alternatives that do not implicate me. Long-shots be damned, nuking a country will still get their ''neighbors'' pissed off, and if the invasive species is [[WhatMeasureIsANonCute cute enough]] then the inhabitants should accept them as their own, allowing the satisfaction of twisted irony that you just don't get from [[StuffBlowingUp watching ]][[EarthShatteringKaboom explosions.]]
### First, I would have to ensure that the invaders are immune to the aura of [[PowerOfFriendship happiness and frienships that permeate such lands]]. One should never underestimate the power of the CareBearStare. Meanwhile, I will create false evidence that the inhabitants are really AlwaysChaoticEvil in order to eliminate sympathy.
#### Failing that, several blocks of the invaders will be trained to be [[GrumpyBear utterly indifferent]] to the land's [[MarySuetopia glamour.]]
##### Failing all this, (and ''[[EvilIsNotAToy only as a last resort]]''), I will [[DealWithTheDevil acquire]] a few [[TabletopGame/{{Warhammer40000}} Hounds of Nurgle]] and send them. After all, they just want to make friends, and none of us can help the way we're made, how can they turn them away? [[NightmareFetishist Besides, look at 'em ooze! Who could say no to a face like that?]]
# One of my trusted lieutenants will be a leading folklore expert familiar with obscure stories from across the globe. There's no reason that Genre Savviness should be exclusive to Western and Japanese media. This especially applies if AllMythsAreTrue.
## I will hire Shakespeare, Nostradamus, and all other famous historical persons who can perform such tasks if I have the chance.
# If I ever hear of a prophecy that I will not die until some improbable sequence of events occurs, I will immediately hand it over to my elite team of lawyers, philosophers and cryptic crossword enthusiasts to look for any loopholes that the heroes could exploit.
## I will be certain to include my 5-year-old adviser in this newly formed team as well.
### Isn't there supposed to be a 5-year-old adviser on all advisory teams/boards/cabinets?
# If a prophecy tells me that my child will eventually kill me, and if I have children anyway, I will always treat them with kindness and love, and teach them to agree with my cause wholeheartedly, not just follow them. I will not disown them, try to kill them, or mistreat them in any way. That way, when their actions inevitably kill me, it will be an accident, and they will carry on my legacy.
## Also, this ensures that, should my children one day disagree with my methods and scheme to stop me, they will still agree with my ideals and my mission, and thus continue my legacy as well (hey, it worked for [[Franchise/{{Batman}} Ra's Al Ghul]]... sort of...)
### This also increases the chances that "kill me" means "switch off the machine after I fall into a peaceful coma at age 125".
## I will make sure to give my child immortality, along with myself. This ensures that "eventually" is stretched to its limit.
### At some point I will arrange to switch bodies with my child while leaving a device inside my original body that activates should my child's orginal body AKA my new body dies and destroys my child's mind while putting a copy of my mind takes over... That way even if he does fufill the prophecy in anyway either by me killing my old body while possesing my child's body or by the child killing my new body I'll still live through it while staying on top.
# I will not favor any ethnic group or culture over any others in my empire. While the idea of an [[ThoseWackyNazis unstoppable master race]] may have its appeal and members of such race would be more likely to have my undying support, this will only encourage otherwise pacifist groups to actively join the rebellion.
## Also, encouraging ethnic diversity is a good way to make sure that your minions remain competent.
# A Power And Skill Threshold for minions will be established. If a LeeroyJenkins or other incompetent shows himself, I will check his or her place on the Power Chart. If he or she scores above or very close to the Power Threshold, I will employ the above method of mind control to prevent such incompetence. If they score below the Power Threshold, I will have them immediately dunked in electrified acid.
## Also, any deathtraps I do have installed will have three-tier backups, and be initiated instantly. Lowering the heroes into my electric acid vat a couple inches at a time just gives them a longer period to figure out how to bypass the lasers, Deathbot Squad, and Bottomless Pit which infinitely shoots out mutants.
# If I have the power to shapeshift, I will make myself look like an adorable little girl holding a teddy bear. Rather than killing or maiming people in an adorable way and thusly scaring the shit out of everyone, I will use tears, begging, tantrums, and smiles to manipulate others into doing my nefarious bidding, and then quietly send them on year-long all-expenses paid vacations somewhere bucolic. That way, people will love me and want to protect me when the hero comes in swinging rather than hand me over to him. If all else fails, I will maintain my adorable exterior rather than revealing my true form; even if they have definitive proof that I am an evil spawn from the depths of hell, even the brooding AntiHero will hesitate before killing a little girl, and while they are hesitating I will pull a dainty miniature Derringer from inside my teddy bear, shoot the hero in the head, and make a speedy exit. [[TheSimpsons Because nobody ever expected Maggie to shoot Mr. Burns.]]
# If I have achieved [[AGodAmI supreme power]] and/or [[RealityWarper mastery over the very nature of reality]], I will endeavour to transform myself into a [[MoeAnthropomorphism cute Japanese girl]], [[VideoGame/{{Touhou}} assuming I am not one already.]] This will ensure that the worst I will get after [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption my inevitable defeat]] is tea time with the heroine.
## Nope, [[{{Gorn}} you can still get killed in bloody manner]] even after [[VisualNovel/SayaNoUta hiding all tentacles in innocent form.]]
# If I ever want to keep a diary, it will be encrypted in a code no one besides me knows, and there will be no crucial information, which means no plans, names, dates, sites or information regarding anything that could be used to bring me down.
# I will not play MMORPG's. They're addictive, so I'd take up all my time playing ''VideoGame/RuneScape'' or ''VideoGame/WorldOfWarcraft'' or ''VideoGame/NeverwinterNights'' and I'd never do any ruling.
## Unless a game is [[SeriousBusiness popular enough]] to [[Franchise/YuGiOh significantly affect the world economy, its champions live like rock stars, and at least two other terrorist groups use it]]. In that case, my [[TheDragon Dragon]] will conquer the game world, while I prepare a more conventional invasion with tanks and planes and stuff. As long as I make sure that [[IKnowMortalKombat skills learned from the game]] are useless against me, my enemies will never know what hit them.
### If I get that [[TheDragon dragon]], I wish make sure they are - or make sure they become - a perfectly sportsmanlike and amicable player who is aware of their humanity, to not give them a TemptingFate of being being defeated by a sportsmanlike and amicable hero-player while they do not consider the possibility of them losing.
### Alternately, my Dragon can help me with my invasion and I'll hire a 19-year-old boy or three to conquer the game world. I'll pay him in chips, soft drink and the opportunity to play in a room in my fortress, far from any parents nagging him to get a real job. My gamer knowing or caring about my overall plan is optional; so long as I phrase any orders I might have for him as a self-imposed limitation or challenge he'll follow them.
## On the other hand, sending copies of the games to everyone in my Empire is a good idea, they will be to busy playing the games to do anything else. And I'll play them anyway. I'm an Evil Overlord, I should be able to play whatever games I want.
# I will never, ever, let one person do all my ruling for me. Then I'm not the one who's the evil overlord.
## However, I will remember that delegation is a good thing in moderation. My evil empire should not start falling to pieces just because I'm busy dealing with a group of heroes. Nor should it fall apart because I got food poisoning and can't come into the office for the next week.
# If I have to sign huge piles of papers, I will read all of them. It takes a long time, but it's a worthy trade-off for making sure my minions aren't trying to sneak something past me. Also, if I want something written, like a letter or a proclamation, I will dictate it myself. If anything at least as advanced as a typewriter is present in the setting, and my typing skills are such that I don't have to spend three minutes looking for each key, I will ''write'' it myself.
## But in the latter case, I will still have my squad of lawyers and my five year old adviser read it over to see if there are any loopholes I might have missed.
# If there is only one person who can do something, like work a certain metal or cast a certain spell, I will offer them employment with me. If they refuse, I will send guards to make sure that they come to no harm, and that the hero can't avail himself of their services. If the guards fail, I will coat them with honey... no, actually, good guards are too hard to come by. Screw it, I'll coat them anyway; if they failed, they obviously aren't good enough.
# I will never assume that someone is stupid just because they don't know something, like basic mathematics or how to spell a certain word. They may know a lot of things I may just need.
# I will ensure that all punishments within my empire fit the crime. Nothing inspires a rebellion like the [[AllCrimesAreEqual death penalty]] for ripping off a [[MattressTagGag mattress tag]]. Minor crimes WILL NOT be punishable by death... or torture... or an ass whuppin. Rape, kidnapping, and murder (or the attempt to do any of these) may result in harsh punishment, but you won't get the shit kicked out of you for stealing an apple.
# Whenever I kill an incompetent assassin, I will endeavor to keep his or her fate a mystery, and order a full security audit, to find out how said assassin was able to breach the outer layer of defences. I will consider pretending to have died or been gravely wounded while I sort out who is responsible for this.
## If I kill two or more incompetent assassins in short succession, I will act under the assumption that the assassins are a diversion for some other action, and order an increase in military alert.
### And / or consider that if they're able to break into my place in the first place, either they're better than I thought (with support or not) or my security is seriously lacking in quality.
# I will get my scientists to give my minions nano-machines. I will then get them to make all doors and weapons respond to these and only these. This way the hero can't steal weapons or keys.
## If this is not possible, I will use my wealth to put individual locks on each door. Since the user recognition for weapons already exist I'll have those anyway.
# If my lair has hazards which a certain magic item can help the hero bypass said item will be placed in the section where the hero would need it.
## On the far side of the section where he would need it. Since, presumably, my minions would be coming from the inside and not the outside.
## My hazardous material oceans will be devoid of platforms that can help the hero get across. There will be alternate routes hidden throughout my lair for use by my minions so they don't need to deal with the lava/acid/toxic water/spike pits.
# I will have at least 3 snipers hidden in various locations while I'm out making public appearances. Guarding these snipers will be a large group of soldiers. I will not deny my mortality and the fact that everyone in a high ranking position has at least 1 person who wants them dead.
# After becoming king/president/god/Fuhrer/leader I will make everyone's lives way better. Then, while planning to do evil things, I'll have armies of loyal subjects who believe me to be the best thing to happen to the world since sliced bread (which I may have to invent for them, making it the best thing to happen since me).
## If I'm not careful, that might make me the Good Overlord, though. And I'd need a different list.
# If anyone attempts to kill me they will be tortured for the rest of their life in a prison in the coldest place on the planet. Combine with the fact that I'll be considered the best ruler ever (from the above) there will be no reason for anyone to ever attempt to kill me.
## If the region is sufficiently large and cold and secluded, there will be no need for a prison. I'll just pitch the dissenters off the train and tell them to build their own utopia if they don't like mine. Anyone who tries to get back will certainly freeze to death.
# I will be very modest. I will regularly talk about God being my lord (regardless of if I'm trying to steal a holy artifact and become a god myself). This may keep people from suspecting me of being the evil demon ravaging the world.
## However, I will avoid this tactic if religion conflicts is common in my universe. When there are Buddhist monks and TheFourGods around, GodIsEvil trope usually occur.
# I will have my scientists work on projects that would benefit the people (curing cancer and [=AIDs=], breeding plants to grow in a very short time and continue to produce all year round). Who would want to kill the guy who gave you the crop that put an end to world hunger?
## Preferably, those scientists will be the same ones that also developed my bio-weapons for me on a part-time basis. While their weapon-research will be backed-up frequently, their altruistic works will not, and they will be instructed to tell this last part to the hero when he comes to kill them.
# While I understand that any minions that work for me are likely to be evil, I'll make it very clear that when I say I want a specific girl killed, I do NOT want them to go all lecherous when they get her. My minions will understand that if I ever find any of my men with a girl who 'is going to die anyway, so we can have some fun first', they will have the body part they were thinking with forcibly removed. If they just do the job I told them to and come back on the other hand, they'll get a coupon for the Red Light district as a bonus.
## There will be a Red Light District inside my secret base. Happy minions are productive minions.
# If any of my lieutenants has left to deal with the heroes, and I hear the other lieutenants comment that 'he's the weakest of us', it means he was killed by the heroes 20 seconds ago. I'll plan accordingly.
## If there is only one group of heroes threatening me at that given moment, why would I only send one of my lieutenants to deal with them? Sending all of my lieutenants simultaneously would allow them to bond and function better as a team.
# All my guards will be trained by Ex-Spetznaz agents and MMA fighters. Should they be disarmed they will still be able to beat their assailant.
## Train them in Krav Maga and MCMAC too. Krav Maga teaches you what to do in case the hero's mooks are smart enough to gang up on you instead of dancing around in a threatening manner while one of them is being beaten up. MCMAC teaches you unarmed combat, armed combat, and what to do if your gun runs out bullets (Hint: Guns are heavy enough to be excellent clubs.)
# My town guards won't be sociopathic assholes who bother people just because they have weapons and are the servants of the leader.
# Burning fields and slaughtering cattle is a very visible way to show how evil I am. But I will bear in mind that not only does it help draw allies for the hero, doing it too often can wreak havoc on the economy ''and'' cause famine. I will instruct my legions accordingly.
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# If {{mecha}} exist, I shall determine where my universe falls on the Sliding Scale of RealRobot and SuperRobot, before I do ''anything''.
# If my enemy owns his own HumongousMecha, I will obtain the design specs and make my own evil version. Battle effectiveness is not guaranteed, but I can make a killing on the [[MerchandiseDriven merchandising]].
# If the hero starts building a Mecha I'll build a few dozen tanks. Then I'll have them shoot his ankles off... giant bipedal robots are a lot less impressive when they can't stand up.
# If the hero is building or has a mecha, I will find out ''why'' he went to all the trouble to build a mecha. Given the time and the number of people that would have to be involved, at least one would likely have realized the inherent problems. Given that, if it gets built ''anyway'', there's probably a damn good reason.
# I will always keep in mind that ConservationOfNinjitsu frequently applies to machines too, and that it is ''really'' embarrassing for your large fleet of tanks to be destroyed by a sixteen-year-old in a mecha.
# I'll construct a force of smaller mecha than what the hero will be trotting around in. These smaller mecha will have all the advantages of the RuleOfCool inherent to mecha while at the same time avoiding many of the weaknesses of single large mechas.
## I will also ensure that ''all'' of these mecha are individually customized, with unique paintjobs and affectations, and have (attractive female or bishounen) pilots whose names (and nicknames like "Maniac" and "Iceman") are constantly mentioned and have deep, colorful backgrounds. Also, these mecha will only operate in small groups, thus utilizing both NominalImportance ''and'' dodging ConservationOfNinjitsu. Plus, there's the possibility one or more of my many unique mecha-pilot minions will become the target of a MisaimedFandom, making them [[ContractualImmortality unable to die]]. I'm DangerouslyGenreSavvy; I might as well take advantage of it.
# I will keep the best, most highly developed machine to myself. It will ''not,'' however, be the largest one--[[TheDragon my Dragon]] gets that.
# Any time I build a superpowerful robot/ battle suit/ tank/ etc., I will add an ultra-secure remote-controlled detonator. When the hero steals it, or it goes rogue, or my henchman does a HeelFaceTurn, I'll blow it up.
# I will, instead of going to all the trouble of making an elaborate counter, have a mock-up shell made with a giant sword, and leave it in a field. Of mines.
# Alternatively, I will build a bigger, cooler version of the heroes' mecha. [[ColorCodedForYourConvenience In white]]. I will have it piloted by an angsty antihero who was tricked into working for me. When the heroes inevitably convert him and he parks his robot in their base, I will activate the remote detonation feature I haven't told him about and watch the fireworks.
# The rule is ''Do not fight the Hero in a Mecha.'' It is never a good idea. If I find the hero is in the process (or has just finished the process) of acquiring a Mecha, I will start by checking the status of my plans. If my military-based world takeover plan can be run with 90% or better confidence right now, I will run it, ignoring the Hero as I do so. If not, I will immediately abort any and all plans for a military takeover, and use my Army of Doom as a mercenary force instead.
# If I have already taken over the world, I will start a plan of economic improvement in the area likely to be the Hero's base. Important parts of the plan will include buying up old warehouses (and using or demolishing them) and increasing the number of cool-but-time-consuming jobs available for unskilled labor.
# If a previously powerless hero has started [[PowerGlows glowing brightly and exhibiting god-like powers]], for fucks sake I mustn't shoot them. Instead, [[ISurrenderSuckers I will say they have shown me the true power of good, that evil is flawed and weak, and that I shall change my kingdom.]] When they have stopped glowing (as these things tend to be short lived) ''then'' I'll shoot them.
# If I absolutely, positively, pathologically must taunt the hero with my plan, I will first have a qualified Doctor cut his spinal cord. You don't see too many quadriplegic protagonists.
# Alternatively, I will do the spinal cutting myself. If I screw up, literally what is the worst that could happen?
# If I ever attack my enemy's main base, my operational plan will specifically de-target the pilots' barracks to a distance no less than three times the lethal radius of my most powerful weapons, thus insuring his mecha are commanded by their regular pilots rather than sixteen year-old replacements who will invariably be more formidable.
## If I know the layout of their base well enough to know where the barracks are, I should know where the hangar bay, motor pool, and/or armory would be, and should begin by seizing and/or destroying those.
# Should my enemy use some powerful war machines usable by any child, I'll covertly recruit teen fans of relevant simulators in appropriate numbers, promising them a chance to pilot the real thing.
# Should it ever be absolutely unavoidable that I build an army of HumongousMecha, they will all be [[SuperPrototype experimental prototypes]]. If a refinement of a design is necessary, I will instead build a new prototype.
# I will never create an army of clones.
# I will never [[CloningGambit clone myself to have a backup body]].
# If I ''do'' clone myself to have a backup body, I will keep the clone in stasis until needed. I will also perfect a foolproof method of transferring my consciousness between clone bodies, because the point here is for '''me''' to conquer the world. My identical twin doing it just isn't the same.
## I will never clone the hero.
# If I do build an [[CircusOfFear Amusement Park]] [[DoomyDoomsOfDoom Of Doom]], I won't go the tired old [[NoOSHACompliance deathtrap-roller-coaster]] route. It's too obvious, and cost-ineffective. Instead, I'll just overcharge for beverages, and never let the hero realize they're financially supporting my evil schemes.
# To be ''truly'' evil, I'll make the beverages free. Then install overpriced pay toilets.
# Alternatively, the drinks are free but laced with slow-acting poison to which [[FindTheCure only I (supposedly) have the cure]]. I will use this as leverage to force the heroes to get me a {{MacGuffin}}, at which point I will break tradition and actually give the hero the cure I promised. However, the 'cure' I give will actually be a ''fast''-acting poison that kills him in half an hour.
# If I ever feel the need to slow down the hero's progress by placing doors that can only be opened once he has a certain number of [[PlotCoupon Plot Coupons]], I won't bother creating a large number of such doors requiring an increasing number of items. Instead there will be a single door, right at the beginning, that [[LockedDoor cannot be opened]] until the hero has all of them. Needless to say, all plot coupons are on the other side of the door.
# I will not set up arbitrary puzzles to slow progress through my castle. If I really think that simply using a key/ password/ fingerprint scanner is not enough then the only way to open the door will be to follow some obscure sequence of moves that is not hinted at anywhere - anyone who is authorized to pass will know what this is.
# [[ThePasswordIsAlwaysSwordfish The password will not be "Swordfish".]] It will be a random series of letters, numbers, and even punctuation. Nobody ever thinks of punctuation. If I can't be bothered to spend 10 minutes memorizing a random-looking password that leads to everything important to my EvilPlan, I don't deserve to be Evil Overlord.
# The password will always be something referencing pop culture. Let's see how the hero born in the same year as me is surprised when he can't figure out that the password is 8675309!
# If at all possible, I will make a voice recognition system that it can detect, without fail, who is stating the password. If the person stating the password is not recognized in the databanks, they will be asked to repeat it, in case it does fail to recognize someone. If they fail to be recognized again, they will be shot with a tranq, and an APB will be put out to my security team. If it turns out it was someone who's voice WAS in the databanks, the Dev team will restart it immediately or be fired. Or shot, if I'm feeling angry that particular day.
# I will always keep in mind that nothing slows down the hero's progress quite like being dead, and remind myself not to settle for second best.
# If I am ever so bored as to feel the need to destroy a planet for my own amusement, I will blow up an uninhabited gas giant, rather than an [[InsignificantLittleBluePlanet insignificant blue planet]] with a population that might include potential heroes. Besides, gas giants [[EarthShatteringKaboom blow up]] with [[ImpressivePyrotechnics satisfyingly dramatic explosions]]; they're more fun anyway.
## If I must blow things up, I will implicate a [[FallGuy lesser functionary]] as the horrific destructor of sentient lifeforms afterward, and choose small, lifeless moons with no possibility of any life present to blow up. No doubt there is a tiny, shielded colony within its rocky surface that my men overlooked, but the FallGuy will take the blame ''and'' be already dead by the time the last survivors come after me. Ahem.
# I may have a Fu Manchu mustache, but only if I am either a: [[GenreSavvy Genre Savvy]] or b: extremely [[{{Camp}} campy]]. And it's still not a good idea unless I happen to be ''both''.
# I will follow the example of the original literary FuManchu and wear a ''false'' moustache or other obvious identifying feature while in public, thus making both anonymity and disguise easier.
# I will never [[YouHaveFailedMe execute one of my generals]] for failing to win a single battle despite his best efforts. After all, people make mistakes, and if he didn't consistently deliver results, I wouldn't have promoted him in the first place.
# The punishment for failure in my minions shall be demotion or dismissal, not execution. As said before, people make mistakes, and killing does not inspire loyalty or encourage new recruits to join. [[CareerBuildingBlunder Possibly even a warning not to let it happen again.]] I will be judicious with that one, but it does inspire loyalty.
## In a similar vein, my minions shall receive: a good pension plan, health benefits, two weeks of paid vacation time per year, and a good salary. This inspires loyalty and it encourages people to join if the job is a good one.
# Should a messenger catch me and my evil consort ''in flagrante delicto'', I will not [[CoitusUninterruptus remain in bed while listening to the message]]. I will instead excuse myself, put on a dressing gown, and go into the next room to hear what he has to say. If it's important enough for him to ignore the "Do Not Disturb" sign, I should probably be giving it my full attention.
# If the messenger's eyes wander too much, or if the message isn't important, he's fired, and should thank me for not killing him. Anyone who plans on taking a messenger job should be warned about interrupting my "private time" right off the bat, and they damn well better not forget.
#If I find the messenger in question attractive, ([[WomanScorned my current lover permitting]]) I may take wandering eyes to imply interest and invite them to join us. ''Later'', after I've dealt with whatever the message was about..
## I will also consider the benefits of a speaker system, with a call and response system that prevents impersonation. Messengers can be the hero in disguise and I really don't need to be surprised when I'm that vulnerable.
# If the hero's father is [[DisappearedDad no longer alive]], I will use every bit of misinformation possible to make him believe that [[LukeIAmYourFather I am his real father]]. I will then drop hints that suggest that I am not beyond redemption. During an appropriate moment, I will pretend to return to goodness, and, while we embrace in a reconciliatory father-son moment, I will stab him in the back. Sucker.
# In a similar vein, if I am an actual member of the hero's family, I will also suggest that I am not beyond redemption. However, I will ensure that our relationship is common knowledge. This ensures that not only is the hero surely aware of it, but it also ruins his street cred. After all, who wants to be known as the nephew of the guy who killed 10,000 people because he was bored? When the moment to fake a return to goodness arises, I will insist on hugging my beloved nephew/cousin/son/whatever. At that point I will stab him in the back. Sucker.
# If I form a cult, it will be entirely made up just to rob people of money. There will be no supernatural elements, as that would just mean the spirit/god/demon/mystic phlebotinum/etc. would backfire on me eventually. Also, it just makes me sound silly.
# If I ''[[AGodAmI am]]'' [[GodsNeedPrayerBadly a god]] or if I need [[ClapYourHandsIfYouBelieve believers]] in order to [[AscendToAHigherPlaneOfExistence become one]], I will make the cult as benign and agreeable as possible.
# If I have created several boss monsters that have lost to the hero already but are in my final dungeon, which the hero has penetrated, the hero will not have to [[BossRush fight all of them in a sequence]]. Rather, they, along with myself, will all attack the hero simultaneously.
#If I can create multiple copies of boss monsters, I will have them all fight the hero at once ''in the first place'', and not wait for him to reach my stronghold, with all of those upgraded weapons and learned skills.
#As soon as I hear of a hero, I, in my most powerful form, along with all of the copies of all my boss monsters, will attack right then. Preferably at night when the hero is asleep.
# When I create a devastatingly powerful robotic or genetically engineered minion with only one elemental weakness, I will make absolutely certain that none of my other minions are carrying an easily stolen weapon designed to strike that weakness.
# Alternatively, it just won't have an elemental weakness. Seriously, how hard is it to fix such a glaring design flaw?
# If there is a literal IdiotBall in my world, I will pretend it's my one weakness. Of course being an idiot is a weakness, but the heroes will carry it around this way.
## UNLESS there is a happy-go-lucky twit running around barely paying attention to everything. [[SpannerInTheWorks Those tend to be trouble.]]
# I will only select targets who are [[EvilerThanThou considerably more villainous or corrupt than I am.]] This lets me battle a variety of AcceptableTargets and AlwaysChaoticEvil monsters while still allowing me to get my therapeutic Evil Overlord kicks.
# I will either uphold ''[[WellIntentionedExtremist somewhat]]'' [[WellIntentionedExtremist idealistic enough tendencies]] to be considered the hero of the situation, or be [[RuleOfFunny extremely funny]] and [[DracoInLeatherPants sexy]].
# I shall select only sympathetic, funny, and genuinely likable individuals for my lieutenants and trusted underlings. And I will at least ''try'' not to kill them.
# I will teach the hero and then turn him over to my side when he's smart. But not too smart. None of those overthrowing the overlord thing here.
# I will be GenreBlind and GenreSavvy ''at the same time'' to throw off my enemies. For example, I'll allow my [[LoadBearingBoss fortress to turn to rubble]] only to evacuate to a bigger, sturdier fortress than won't fall down the next time I'm defeated.
# There is no such thing as a fair fight. If I come across my nemesis while he is disarmed, then that is his problem, not mine.
# It is always polite to bow to your opponent. It is also very stupid as it leaves you open for attack. I will exploit this flaw as much as possible. Should I feel the need to bow to my opponent in return, I will bow at the waist to a minimal degree, ensuring that my eyes remain trained upon my opponent. The slightest movement while I am doing so will result in an automatic, preemptive attack on my part.
# I will not underestimate my enemies if they turn out to be [[LittleMissBadass little girls]], even if [[CuteBruiser they act sickeningly cute]] or [[DefeatMeansFriendship just want to be friends]]. Hell, ''especially'' if they act sickeningly cute and just want to be friends. Such foes will be treated with the utmost care, from the utmost distance, and with the utmost destructive force, such as with a KillSat while they sleep. There are few things more damaging to an overlord's public image of fear and terror than getting beaten to a bloody pulp by prepubescent schoolgirls.
## If they ''really'' just want to be friends, I will, with the utmost caution, take them up on their offer. Heroic cute little girls are much less likely to beat their bestest best friend to a bloody pulp than they are a big meanie.
#Dead Japanese schoolgirls have disconcerting tendency to become obscenely powerful and angry ghosts who ''will'' mess you up. I will remember this.
# I will not [[EvolutionaryLevels mess with evolution]]. It's really not worth the problems, and it never helps.
# I will actually read Machiavelli rather that counting on a soundbite. He said it's best to be both feared and loved if you can manage it.
# I will remember that philosophers such as Machiavelli offered very context-sensitive advice, and will endeavor to study these contexts thoroughly. I will NOT QuoteMine them for convenience.
# Sir Creator/TerryPratchett is a wise man. I will study everything I can about [[Literature/{{Discworld}} Lord Vetinari]]. It may be better to be loved, or feared, but it is [[VetinariJobSecurity better to be permanent]] than either.
# If I want to kill some character who the hero likes without him trying to avenge his/her/their death, I will do the following: "accidentally" create an evil clone of the sidekick, let the evil clone infiltrate the hero's hideout and let him take the place of the sidekick; when the hero has finally found out who is the sidekick and has offed the clone, I will kill the sidekick and explain it by wanting to kill the evil clone, and voila: a hero without a sidekick and without a grudge. Me: 2, hero: 0.
# If it should come to pass that the hero is staring me down and he happens to know my evil plan for any reason, and he ever utters the immortal words "you'll never get away with this", I will not use the popular comeback "I already have" unless I am fairly certain that [[YouAreTooLate I actually have]].
## Incidentally, since there is still a living person in the world who knows of my plan, opposes me, and happens to be within weapon range of myself, odds are I haven't actually gotten away with it yet.
### Thus, my reply should be, "My, you're right. See you next time." Then I will make a [[VillainExitStageLeft daring escape from justice]] and return to the EvilOverlordList to determine where I went wrong.
# My throne room will not feature a large hole into which I could fall, be thrown, or be pushed. However, other rooms in my lair will feature [[NoOSHACompliance walkways above menacing vats]] of what appears to be [[TechnicolorScience bright green acid]], into which I will jump or "accidentally" fall if I need to escape. These will actually contain water with green food coloring. These tanks will also have a fully ready scuba tank and breath mask located a few feet beneath the surface. Won't the heroes be surprised when I show up later, in perfect health (but with green skin)? After all, NoOneCouldSurviveThat. Suckers.
# Note: The vats will be tested on an hourly basis to confirm that some [[TheChessmaster clever bastard]] has not gotten [[BatmanGambit the bright idea]] to actually replace my beverage-escape-plan with actual acid.
# Additionally, if I should be [[CloningBlues dumb enough]] to use cloning (see #8 above), I will reserve a deceased and acid-destroyed clone of myself to float to the surface of the vats as "proof" of my demise. Fools!
# Anyone who uses the phrase "false sense of security" will be shot. If he's smart, the hero won't buy it anyway. [[IdiotHero If he's not]], there are much more effective ways to kill him.
# When I've read the EvilOverlordList I will familiarize myself with [[JustForFun/TheUniversalGenreSavvyGuide any other similar lists]]. That way I'll know what I'm in for when I actually go up against [[GenreSavvy competent]] opponents. If I discover any good advice in these lists then I will be sure to steal it so that I can make use of it myself.
# I will remember that [[DangerouslyGenreSavvy very competent]] opponents will [[IKnowYouKnowIKnow likely be doing the same thing in reverse]].
# I will, however, note that not everyone goes into fiction that well and be ready to deal with GenreBlind idiots.
# If the magical ritual I am performing requires a VirginSacrifice, using the hero's girlfriend is just asking for trouble. To be on the safe side, I'll find a small child who is an [[ParentalAbandonment orphan]], whom no one cares about. And they will be kidnapped only when absolutely ''everything'' else is ready, to ensure a quick success.
# If virginity is really that important, I will select a homely child and carefully screen the minions responsible for the abduction so as to eliminate any with a known attraction to the child's gender or age.
# If I am concerned over my [[VillainWithGoodPublicity approval ratings]], want to avoid [[MoralEventHorizon doing something that'll ensure]] my KarmicDeath or am simply [[EvenEvilHasStandards not evil enough]], then I'll ask for a volunteer and/or find a loophole that will allow a [[BackFromTheDead resurrection]].
# I will always check the bare requirements for a Virgin Sacrifice, if possible I will use a eunuch cult member volunteer from my own cult or similar.
# I shall maintain numerous orphanages under my control. While I will make certain that the businesses themselves cannot be associated with me, I will [[VillainWithGoodPublicity publicly donate heaping gobs of money]] to them on a regular basis. This has the added benefit of letting me launder funds and get a tax break in the process. On the rare occasion I need a child I will publicly adopt them, only to have them die in a "tragic accident" shortly before the sacrifice. Another additional benefit: no one wants to kick a parent mourning the recent loss of their child and any hero who does so will look very bad.
#If I do go the route of sacrificing adopted orphans, I will ensure that not ''all'' of the children I adopt die in "tragic accidents," and that I'm not the only one whose foster children have a tendency to die in such 'unforeseen' accidents. The point here is to cover up that I'm sacrificing children, after all, and if my foster children always die, people are at least going to start wondering why I'm still allowed to adopt. I will also change up my cover stories a bit and have at least ''some'' of them "run away" and turn up dead some time later.
# If the requirements do not specifically say ''Human'' Virgin Sacrifice, I will get either the ugliest animal I can find, or use an animal destined for food. And hold a luau after the ceremony.
## When I require a virgin sacrifice, I will also set myself up to become a demilich at the same time, and will sacrifice myself (provided I am a virgin) AND become unkillable at the same time. If I am not a virgin, I will perform the lich ritual first, then [[LoopholeAbuse sacrifice my new body]] and rez. My phylactery will also be a nine-hundred pound boulder kept secure in my base, disguised as a random bit of rubble off to the side and out of the way of everything important. It will also be placed on a small rail setup so that it can be moved out of the way- too many heroes will blow it up [[Franchise/TheLegendofZelda to find a hidden secret below.]]
# Slavery is mayhem waiting to happen. Slavery does not loyal citizens make. However, if I offer a small wage and basic heath care plus care for the injured and elderly it will not cost much more but will buy loyalty.
# If I ever come to power in a nation that uses slavery, I will first abolish it. Next I will secretly stir up resentment against the former slave population to reduce their employment opportunities. Finally, I will offer the former slaves positions in my military, all the while getting [[VillainWithGoodPublicity good publicity]] among other nations who love how I dealt with the horrible slavery problem. This ensures loyalty in the military and a positive place in history even if the heroes take me down.
# My slavery will be more like a regular job. The worker slaves will get food, water, respect, and rest. But no breaks. And no vacations. Except holidays. Harem slaves will be given the most elegant (and sexy) clothes and jewels and beautiful rooms to sleep in.
# Never use a prototype unless the real version is ready for mass production. It will only get stolen by the Hero.
# I will not [[SuperPrototype cut corners in the mass produced models]] to reduce costs
# All cells with windows will not be furnished with [[BedsheetLadder bedsheets]]. Instead, captives will be given sleeping bags. Good luck tying ''those'' together.
## Alternatively no cells will be furnished with windows. There are [[{{flight}} other]] [[WallCrawl ways]] to use a window.
## If I do need them alive, they will be imprisoned in a room in the center of my guards' quarters. Said room will have walls of sturdy metal grille rather than vision-blocking cement, stone or cinder block, so that nothing the prisoner does will be unseen. The best modern surveillance equipment will also surround said cell. The prisoner will be kept sedated, and bound.
## I will look into a island or space prison.
# No matter what its detrimental effects may be on my war machine, I will be eco-friendly. [[OmnicidalManiac Killing the planet]] never ends well. I may awaken ancient nature spirits who give the hero power, or set all the animals in the forest after my blood, or simply [[GaiasVengeance have Mother Earth all up in my grille faster than you can say "gas-guzzling SUV"]], and no-one wants that. Instead, not only will I be environmentally friendly, I will actively seek out and befriend said nature spirits and animals, and send them after the hero.
## In fact I will cultivate rumors that specific actions designed to antagonize said spirits will weaken me, or otherwise interfere with my plans. This will prevent the spirits from giving TheHero power, and may turn them towards me to stop him.
# If I discover a species of {{Proud Warrior Race Guy}}s threatened by extinction, I will not wipe out what's left of them in order to gain access to their technology and weapons. This would just prompt a [[LastOfHisKind lone survivor]] to swear [[RoaringRampageOfRevenge vengeance against me]]. Instead, I will help them unconditionally in the hopes that they will swear undying loyalty to me. If they repay this calculated kindness by proclaiming me a weakling and declaring war on me, then I will show them that I [[TheWorfEffect am stronger]] and [[EvilerThanThou more ruthless]] than they are. If they still refuse to follow me then I'll subjugate them with force or wipe them out. At this point it's okay to do so, because they've proven to be AlwaysChaoticEvil, and [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman no one ever really cares about those]].
## I'll offer them the ability to clone their race to rebuild their kind. That'll bring loyalty.
# If I am [[NighInvulnerability immune to the hero's attacks]], I will make sure that I am also immune to my own. If I cannot ensure this, I will avoid using any attack that could possibly be [[PlayingTennisWithTheBoss redirected to hit me]].
## This is another reason to NOT have big mirrors, as well as the whole vanity thing.
# As 116 above demonstrates, any extremely competent EvilOverlord is indistinguishable from an extremely competent BenevolentRuler. This also applies in reverse.
# I will never, I repeat ''NEVER'', use an online list of [[EvilOverlordList "Evil Overlord Rules"]], "Advice for Villains" or any other such variation. A geeky {{Badass Normal}} will read it, realise that I'm using it and promptly inform the hero, allowing them to either know my plans in advance, or even worse consult a similar "Vows for Heroes" list and ensure I'm destroyed rather than severely weakened or [[SealedEvilInACan sealed away]].
## Wait, then why am I reading this and contributing to it? This is online, isn't it?
## Forget that. A [[GenreSavvy Genre Savviness]] arms race could be dangerous, but being GenreBlind when my opponents aren't would be deadly. Instead, I will study any such list I come across (plus all "Vows for Heroes" lists) and if my enemies study the same lists, all the better for me. If that happens, [[IKnowYouKnowIKnow I'll be able to predict their responses and confound them by doing something they'd never expect]]. [[BatmanGambit Or doing exactly what they'd expect]].
### I will also [[MindScrew randomly switch between these, so as to further confuse my adversary]].
### And I will keep in mind that use of said publicly available list of advice leaves all manner of possibility for the use of {{plan}}s relating to whichever trope I'm actually using. However, I will also be aware of the possibility of a GambitPileup resulting from this.
## Even if my enemies know everything that I do, I'll still come out on top because of [[EvilIsCool one simple reason]].
#### The decision stands. I will post this argument in the towns and watch the hero go mad.
##### Actually, I'll silently buy all the Hero Vows websites and edit some small but criticial mistakes in there.
# When I read Evil Overlord lists online, I will remember that not every piece of advice is a good one. Circumstance Savviness is even more important than Genre Savviness.
# Defensive systems can be fail-dead (like explode if defeated). Defensive systems MUST be fail-safe (at least for me: local explosion only and only when I'm sufficiently far away).
# If a trained monkey can do it, I will let said trained monkey do it so that my minions can do something more important.
## I will make darn sure not to overestimate the strength, reliability, skill, or competency of a monkey. Training human minions is probably more efficient than training comparatively short-lived and unreliable primates, so monkey use is likely to be limited.
## But remember, EverythingsBetterWithMonkeys!
# I will assume that all of my enemies are [[IAmNotLeftHanded not left handed]], and plan accordingly.
## I will not rule out the possibility that some of them ''are'' left-handed after all. Holding back when someone else isn't? That's just ''asking'' for trouble.
## I will train myself to use my left hand as far as practicable, in case I am unable to use my right hand for some reason. However, I will not pretend to be left-handed in any potentially dangerous situation.
## However, a sniper rifle creates a great sense of range, and hands are nothing when a bullet is in the hero's head.
# I will find out where SelfDemonstrating/DoctorDoom orders his [[DoomyDoomsOfDoom Doombots]] and stock up. You never know when you'll need a [[MechaMooks robot stand-in]] to take a missile or ten.
## I will modify said Doombots so they are loyal to ''me'', rather than their previous owner. Unless it voids the warranty or something.
## If I cannot modify them thusly, I will return them for a refund.
## If I own the store that sells them, I will only allow returns for store credit.
### Wow. [[EvenEvilHasStandards I really AM evil.]]
## In fact, I'll find out about this flaw ''before'' purchasing and thus avoid having funds tied up in a useless venture. I will instead use the money to have fanatically loyal followers [[MagicPlasticSurgery surgically altered]] to resemble me.
## I will avoid purchasing technology from SelfDemonstrating/DoctorDoom, as he ''always'' puts an override that he alone can access into ''everything'' he makes-- or holds for more than five minutes. I will avoid taking his advice on what to purchase, either, simply because his devices are inevitably destroyed or captured by the heroes.
### Remembering I have an advanced team of gizmo-working mooks, they can outdo Doom's tricks.
# If I find out about an evil being with power greater than my own, I will ''not'' attempt to take its power for myself. I will instead make sure the heroes find out about it, and I will do anything I can to help the heroes defeat my rival, short of actually joining the party. Then, when the heroes have defeated this being, the moment I can be sure the coast is clear, I will kill the heroes before they have a chance to recover, in the quickest manner possible. Once that's taken care of, if it is still possible to absorb the super being's power, and if I can be sure it won't [[GrandTheftMe take over my body]], kill me, or [[ThisIsYourBrainOnEvil drive me any more insane]], I will do so.
## Because I can never be too sure, I will first make my most incompetent minion absorb the super being's power. If it doesn't take over his body, kill him, or drive him any more insane, then I'll kill the minion and take the power for myself. If it does, I'll just kill the minion.
## But first I will make sure that any minion who gets said power is, first and foremost, fanatically LOYAL to me personally, to the point of being cheerfully willing to die for me. Even then I will take no chances and have a small explosive discreetly implanted in their brain during a "routine" medical procedure, after first making sure that the power in question will not in any way interfere with the activation mechanism.
## If something is stronger than me, I will just ignore and it will go away.
## If I feel that I must pursue this evil being with power greater than my own, I will do everything necessary [[EvilOverlordList (within reason)]] to allow me to obtain it, and THEN I WILL STOP pursuing the (more) evil power. By that point, I should have far more power than necessary to deal with whatever little, [[PunyEarthlings puny obstacles]] are opposing me.
# The front door of my fortress (or any other building I need guarded) will have ''three'' guards--one standing on each side, and one hiding within visible range whose sole job is to send out an alert if anything happens to the first two (or if they even just have to leave the post for something). Resources permitting, all doors worth guarding will have three guards.
## Additionally, ten guards will be appointed to the largest, most important-looking door in my fortress. That door will lead to the incinerator.
### And I will have one new recruit guarding a shoddy, rusting door. That door will be the hallway leading to my office/throne room. The hallway will be guarded by my best troops and monsters, who know how to operate as a group, and will mob any hero that comes in.
#### Alternately, have that door lead to a room filled with explosives rigged to explode the moment opened (no beeping), provided i have the outside of the room secure and explosive proof
# I will get one of my most loyal followers to disguise as an oracle of some sort and create (or modify, if need be) a [[NoManOfWomanBorn prophecy regarding my downfall]]. Not only will it be a completely useless way to approach me, I'll know what the good guys will be attempting and can thus plan accordingly.
## However, I will first make sure that fake prophecies are not subject to YourMindMakesItReal, ClapYourHandsIfYouBelieve, TheoryOfNarrativeCausality, or any other effect that would give them the force of real prophecies.
## If I'm faking prophecies, I'll make one about an artifact that is my only weakness and can only be taken by the worthy. The artifact will actually be created by me, and its only power will be to kill anyone who touches it. The hero will automatically assume they are worthy and get vaporized. I will also make the artifact not work on me, or at least make it immovable, to avoid a KarmicDeath from any hero who catches on.
### In a similar vein, if my political power depends at least partially on my own mystical power, I shall create an artifact, and a fake prophecy that it grants powers that match my own. This artifact shall be the symbol of my political power. My lieutenants and personal guards shall know that there are several duplicates, which have no power except to inform me of their whereabouts in case they are stolen. I alone shall know that there is no real artifact. That way, anyone seeking to overthrow me will try to steal this artifact. I will then inform my lieutenants that one of the duplicates has been stolen, and I will eliminate the culprit with my own power.
# I will hire an advisor whose sole job will be to criticize my plans and point out their flaws. I will listen to him.
## If said advisor claims that my plan is flawless, I will execute him, solely so that the person who gets the job after him can be forced to watch the execution, eyelids held open with duct tape.
## If I, on a whim, decide to execute my plan anyway, and it really ''is'' flawless, then I'll [[BackFromTheDead resurrect him]], apologize, and [[LaserGuidedAmnesia erase everyone's memory of the whole incident]].
## I will ''always'' include one very obvious flaw in plans I make myself. Should the advisor not catch it, even if he is useful in finding out not-so-obvious flaws in my grand plan, he is to be executed on the spot, as one has to look at the big picture, not just small details that might slip through the cracks. The flaw should be easy to catch and occasionally very hard to catch every few times a specific advisor is used, so that I can accurately gauge their effectiveness in finding them.
## Wasn't this already covered in the original list?
### Very good, advisor. You get to live.
## Instead of hiring a single advisor, I will hire a team of advisors, each with a different area of expertise, with minor abilities in an area covered by another advisor. Should a flaw I notice never be brought up, I will fire the advisor with that area of expertise, and hire a new one. As stated above, executions do nothing to improve morale and job applications.
### And they won't just join up with the hero when you fire them why...?
#### Because by then, a new plan will have been drafted and sent through the advisory process. Therefore, any "tactics" and "information" they bring to the hero will be null. And even then, the advisors are fitted with a small explosive inside their chest cavity that is just powerful enough to destroy the heart, but not so much as to destroy anything else. Of course, the detonators will be on my person and only my person at all times. That way, if they do get any smart ideas, the heroes will initially think he died of a heart attack, or some other ailment, and won't be related back to me until they perform an autopsy, IF they perform one. I'm supposed to be DangerouslyGenreSavvy, so why not make damn sure that you can kill your advisors without it being known that you killed them.
# I will make my DoomsdayDevice look like [[HappyFunBall a stuffed animal]]. Not only will nobody try to stop me from holding my stuffed bear, but should I be stopped it will be given to a hero's child, who will then hug it and cause [[TheEndOfTheWorldAsWeKnowIt The End Of The World As We Know It]].
# Before [[VillainTeamUp teaming up with a fellow villain to defeat our common enemy]], I will first perform a background check. If said villain's ends are [[EvenEvilHasStandards morally repugnant]], or his means are [[VillainBall idiotic]], then I'll just sic the good guys on him.
## Screw that. I'll just let him kill the heroes by himself, then kill him and [[FakeUltimateHero claim the credit]].
## ...Or I'll just let him take the credit anyway, so when people come to avenge the heroes, they'll thank me rather than killing me.
# If I must [[StrangeBedfellows team up with the heroes to defeat a greater threat]], I won't attempt to backstab them during the battle. Instead, I will [[HeelFaceMole fake a change of heart]] and earn the trust of the good guys, in order to [[TheMole discover their secret weaknesses and destroy them from within]].
# I will keep a pet dog, not a [[RightHandCat cat]]. Dogs are [[PetTheDog better for PR]], more affectionate, and more easily trained to attack.
## I may also invest in becoming a falconer; birds are much harder to hit, can be used for scouting missions, and are decent in causing my enemies grief in battle.
## In no way, though, will I have an exotic or [[TwoBeingsOneBody mutant]] animal as a pet; although incredibly deadly and appropriately awe-inspiring, they are still wild animals, and thus, unable to be fully trained and [[TheDogBitesBack trusted not to eat me at the first chance they get]].
## With any pet I choose to get, I will not abuse it or cosset it too extravagantly, and I will take it through a thorough obedience course.
## Maybe I should look into getting [[RightHandCat a cat]] after all. Possibly several. Not only will they kill the vermin and present me with the tiny corpses, but kitty cat cuteness wil help relieve stress among {{Mooks}}.
### Not only will they relieve stress among the mooks, but among intruders. Having free roam around the base, they can easily [[CutenessProximity distract them]], and they might pause when they see the mook they were about to snipe [[PetTheDog bend down and pet the cat]] - of course, becoming ''consumed'' by playing with the cats will only be tolerated when off duty.
## Wait, that damn FriendToAllLivingThings will still have an out. Okay, along with the cats, I'll get a pit bull. Solves the cat problem, and a pit bull is nobody's friend. I will keep him chained, but well-fed. I know he won't be my friend, but I don't want him killing me first.
### Though I should remember that Pit Bulls aren't ALWAYS that way and as such should remember to train it to not like people, while not being cruel to it as I don't want it to not like [[HoistByHisOwnPetard Me]].
## Alternatively, my cats will be AffablyEvil, and rub up against my captive's legs purring but not be the least bit helpful. In other words, my cats will act like cats, and certainly they'd be less of a threat should the FriendToAllLivingThings turn them against me than a pit bull.
## As a third option, perhaps I should consider small, nonvenomous snakes. Good for evil cred, actually kinda cute, far less likely to hold a grudge than a pit bull, and the average FriendToAllLivingThings won't touch 'em.
### However, I will still look into having a pet cat or dog, just in case that crafty hero's pet is a mongoose.
## An Orangutan could be a worthwhile investment- I can train it to use sign language and how to perform simple tasks, making it useful for surveillance, any mooks that feed it a banana will appear more sympathetic and therefore are less likely to be killed by the hero, it has a lot more strength, reach and dexterity than any human heroes, so it can be trained to attack them, and if they do kill it, I can accuse them of [[HeroWithBadPublicity murdering an endangered species]]. A chimpanzee would also function for most of these purposes, although slightly less well.
## With so many things that can go wrong, better to avoid pets entirely. Mooks will respond better to cash bonuses than kitties anyway.
## Four words: Remote Activated Kitten Bombs. Any Mook worth employing will be able to overcome the urge to play with an adorable baby animal, making it easy to train my evil minions to avoid the creatures just like every other trap in the facilities. Meanwhile heroes and their entourages will likely feel compelled to rescue the animals in the process of raiding my hideouts, creating an easy opportunity to kill the heroes at will.
### This has an added effect of discouraging heroes from befriending any sort of small, potentially useful critter which could ultimately interfere with a later attempt to capture the hero.
## As long as none are [[SonicTheHedgehog anthropomorphic]], hedgehogs are a perfect option. They're adorable, popular online, combine the best traits of cats and hamsters, and can't be turned against me. I will also genetically engineer a giant hedgehog one can ride on the belly of, because they are natural boats, and everyone will pay to ride the lazy river down the giant adorable hedgehog. Once again, the benefit is, unlike most animals, you can't turn a hedgehog against someone. They're adorable, but not that bright.
# I will do the whole "'''[[ThisCannotBe This Cannot Be]]!'''" after the heroes have defeated my ''penultimate'' boss form. That way, when I [[OneWingedAngel sprout a wing]] or [[BishonenLine grow really long hair]], they will be completely unprepared for my next attack.
## Adding a "Psyche!" before I crush the throat of the nearest good guy is optional.
## Or...maybe it would be best to just cut my losses and quietly sneak away while they think they've killed me. Beating my first and second forms shows they are pretty good at fighting, and while getting First Strike or even causing a [[HeroicSacrifice Heroic Sacrifice]] is nice, I'll heal up and then slam them at the beginning of the sequel after they've [[BagOfSpilling given up all their levels and powerups]].
## Alternately, if the hero manages to get into my castle, I will sneak out the back way, and have a robotic double confront the hero. While they're fighting, I'll seal the room and pump it full of poison gas.
## Even better, I'll say that words at the defeat of any and all of my forms. That way, I can whittle them down as they relax and leave themselves open.
### I'm not going to say that at EVERY form, but only at a couple. Saying it with all my forms will just cause them to expect a new form and never let their guards down.
## Unless said hero has the ability to sense that they didn't finish me off, then, I'll just flee before I waste myself on them, and either drop a cage and release poison gas, or drop a cage and bring in minions in all directions to fire at will (PROVIDED THEY AIM FOR THE FEET! This way, there are no accidental deaths on account of stupidity. Also this will drop the hero so they can aim for the face.)
## If a minion is stupid enough to aim straight ahead of him, he will be killed on the spot to avoid a mass murder-suicide chain. Then, they will be ordered to leave, and thousands of large bladed weapons will be dropped with enough speed and/or mass to pierce into the cage and kill the hero.
## I will arrange my minions in a sensible chevron position to avoid having ''any'' of them in each others' line of fire. Thus avoiding HollywoodTactics alltogether. And they will be trained marksmen.
## On second thought, if I decide to kill my opponents by gassing them I will not use poison. Poison is always detectable. I will simply flood the room with nitrogen. The heroes will simply become tired, fall asleep and die. Yes, this means they won't writhe in agony, but on the plus side they also won't notice that they're dying and therefore fight harder or take steps to prevent it.
# If the heroes have the ability to "[[SavePoint save]]" their progress at specific points, I will assign a special force to find these points and destroy them.
## Alternatively, I'll use these points to save ''my'' progress repeatedly. Won't the heroes be surprised when I predict all of their moves? I'll also be prepared for this to take a ''long time'' but for some reason, most heroes have the attention spans of teenagers.
## I will also identify the design of these "save" points, and have my crack team of engineers rig up [[ChestMonster a version that explodes or attacks the heroes.]] Sure, [[VideoGame/IWannaBeTheGuy The Guy]] did it [[strike:[[OlderThanTheyThink first]]]] [[VideoGame/ChronoTrigger second]], but it's a sound strategy, and the heroes will ''never'' be expecting it.
# I will drive a car of the [[EverybodyOwnsAFord same make]] as the heroes. I will avoid traveling in any vehicle between two and thirty years old. In fact, I'll just consult with major Hollywood stuntmen about which type of car they LEAST like to work with, and get one of those.
## On second thoughts, maybe I'll spare 5 minutes to ask ''why'' said stuntmen dislike said type of car. The answer might be important.
# I will remember that OminousLatinChanting is never obsolete, no matter the setting or era.
## I will under absolutely no circumstances ever dance to OminousLatinChanting. OminousLatinChanting is exclusively for killing things to. Killing things and [[MundaneMadeAwesome paperwork]].
### Ominous Latin Dancing?
## If I feel the need to dance, there's nothing better than [[SoundtrackDissonance Jimmy Rushing]].
## If the resident [[MadArtist Mad Artist]] also composes music when he's not busy splattering entrails across a canvas, then I'll ask him to create [[{{Leitmotif}} something original designed especially for me]].
## If I dislike what he composes, I'll either learn to live with it or shoot him immediately.
## If it's [[DeadHorseGenre Disco]], then I'll figure out something worse than shooting. I will figure it out ''quickly'', mind you.
### And if it's country, I will waste no time torturing him by making him listen to his own song for however long I decide.
# Instead of [[YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness killing minions when they're so successful I don't have anything left for them to do]], I will either give them some vacation time or come up with some busy work for them, and call on them again later. After all, I know these guys can get results, so why not keep 'em around a bit?
# If my [[TheDragon Second-in-Command]] asks me: "Why don't you just kill ''[[AxCrazy everything]]''?" then it's probably a good idea to start searching for a new [[TheDragon Second-in-Command]].
## Unless I think that sounds like [[OmnicidalManiac a good idea]].
## In the event that it does sound like a good idea, I'll make sure that my [[TheDragon Second-in-Command]] is the first one I kill.
# Not only will I not build [[AirVentPassageway man-sized ventilation shafts]], I will not build any ledges, back corridors, ladders, or anything else that serves no obvious structural, artistic, or architectural purpose, and seems solely to exist to give the heroes an (alternate) path.
## There will be an alternate route for the heroes, made of ledges over open vats of acid. These will be monitored via both cameras and motion/pressure sensors at all times, and designed to collapse if anybody gets to the middle.
### This path will not lead to my lair, and will in fact not even be located near my real lair.
## Relatedly, if entry to my Evil Lair can only be done by defeating my nine lieutenants and getting their shiny objects, who each have a dungeon of their own, then I will make sure that the one item required to defeat said lieutenants is not in their own dungeons. Also, the key to the indestructible door leading to my Inner Sanctum will be kept on my person at all times.
## In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Double Jump. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. Think about it.
## Better yet, to insure against [[SequenceBreaking Sequence Breaking]] - In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Double Jump.
## Best yet, I will take possession of the Grappling Hook and Double Jump, thus powering up ''myself'' rather than the hero. If I cannot do so, I will destroy them. Heroes are resourceful buggers and will find a way to get every powerup possible -- the only solution is to not leave them any to get.
### Why use such an entry method at all? If getting into a lair requires such methods, I will ''find another lair''.
## Back to the vents. If I really do need wide ventilation shafts for some reason, they will be kept superheated, and full of spikes, various [[DeathTrap Death Traps]], and lava guns. Also, all exit points from the vent will be located just above the pit full of dinosaurs.
### On second thought superheating the ''ventilation'' ducts ''might'' interfere with the airconditioning. Oh and the ventilation.
## All of the dinosaurs will have their histories checked. Nothing is worse than finding out that your dinosaurs [[GladiatorGames refuse to eat the hero]] because [[AndroclesLion he once removed a thorn from their foot]]. Except maybe finding out that the cool spiky ones [[ArtisticLicensePaleontology are actually herbivores]].
## I will also build all the vents out of an extremely conductive metal, and constantly run extremely high voltage through them. They will be insulated from the outside, and if maintenance is required, those doing the work must first submit a request to the control center to temporarily disable the current while the work is being done. Anyone who doesn't do so is TooDumbToLive.
### Actually, I will not electrify my ventilation system, due to the fact that this would just create massive amounts of ozone, which, while a potential hero-killer, would have a far greater problem than smaller ducts.
## In fact, I will spend effort constructing an elaborate evil lair full of death traps, then conduct all my evil business in my mom's basement 27 miles away. A kindly old lady will be a better hero deterrent than anything else.
# I shall create fake building plans showing large fake airvents going into all my important structures. Every fake airvent path will eventually require the hero to drop straight down to another level of the vents. I will use a hologram to cover the fact that once someone drops to that level it narrows significantly. The hologram will also detect that it's been breached, close the lid back up and flood that section with regular anasthetic/deathgas/whatever. My real airvents will be small and built into the walls.
# I will read the FakeDifficulty and {{Unwinnable}} sections carefully and implement '''everything'''.
## Except for the EscortMission. After all, EvenEvilHasStandards. But if I do add it, I'll make sure the hero isn't escorting anyone who'll actually be of any use to him later on.
## Or he'll escort a [[VoluntaryShapeshifting shapeshifting]] minion. Or the the hostage has a tracker implanted into their body. Or better yet: a bomb.
### Two bombs. [[MetalGearSolidVThePhantomPain One in a place the hero won't look.]] And I will make sure to find the body.
## No, that's been tried and it never works. I'll just make him escort a very beautiful woman who has no interest in being an adventurer. Either she'll cause friction with the LoveInterest and blunt ThePowerOfLove a bit, or she'll ''become'' the LoveInterest and start nagging the Hero to get a safer job. Either way, I win.
### Better still, once [[BattleCouple the two]] arrive at my [[TheWarRoom Inner Sanctum]], said Sanctum will be decorated as a very tasteful, but lavish [[WeddingDay wedding chapel]]. By immediately skipping over the FinalBattle and [[AlterTheSpeed moving directly]] to the CleaningUpRomanticLooseEnds segment of [[TheoryOfNarrativeCausality the story]], TheHero will immediately be disarmed by the fulfillment of his LoveInterest's affections! I, of course, will preside over the ceremony.
### Note that the above [[AlwaysMale only works]] if TheHero is male. If otherwise, swap "wedding chapel" with [[AmazinglyEmbarrassingParents "Banquet With Her Parents"]]. Ensure that TheHero's OverprotectiveDad and EvilMatriarch are present. Bonus points if you can get the LoveInterest to notice TheHero's mom. GENIUS! [[EvilLaugh BWAHAHAHA!!!]]
## Even better, if the Hero has a hot mom, and his father is dead, I will hook up with his mother. If he's really a hero he'll obey his stepfather.
### That doesn't even take an AntiHero to make that false. Unless I'm living in a comedy, that plan will not work. On that thought, I will study my universe to see if obnoxious laughter happens if something barely funny happens. If it does, I'm probably living in a sitcom, and could get away with that plan.
# Even if it grants me great power and freedom, I will ''not'' [[DigitizedHacker build or use a device that can digitize my brain and let me loose in cyberspace/transfer me to a robot]].
## If I am forced into a position where such a thing becomes necessary, I will ensure that I first take a Masters course in robotics and computer programming, as well as full A+ and C++ certification; being a digital god means nothing if you don't have the proper firewalls, anti-viral programs and encryptions, after all.
## I will also make a backup copy if possible. I will also take many steps to make sure that the backup only exists on a locked network, and will not be transferred out of it unless the original is deleted. I don't want a [[CloningBlues digital clone]] trying to kill me or anything.
### Alternatively, if I am ''certain'' that the copies will behave exactly as I would, I will make ''many'' of them, knowing that I am the only person they can be trusted not to betray. Also, {{Yaoi Fangirl}}s (or {{Yuri Fan}}s, as appropriate) will ensure that [[ScrewYourself at least two of me]] have ContractualImmortality.
### Wait scrap that, if I am ''certain'' they'll behave exactly as myself I will only ever have one or two clones of myself at max. I will still have the ContractualImmortality from the {{Yaoi Fangirl}}s (or {{Yuri Fan}}s, as appropriate), I know myself well enough to know that with even only one or two clones I'll betray myself at an unexpected moment.
### No, no, no! No clones! Full stop. BackToTheDrawingBoard.
# If and when I finally become lord of my desired domain, and I wish to expand my empire, I will ''not'' randomly pick out a country and attack it blindly; instead, I will study each of my options carefully, learning everything about them as I can, then pick out the ones that would most benefit me in its subjugation and open up diplomatic and trade negotiations with them. Once I have used those negotiations to undermine their economy and political standing, and make them dependent on my exports to live, I will quietly annex them into the empire.
## This will be easier to do if said exports involve mostly Wal-Marts and Starbucks.
## I will also keep in mind the power of propaganda, and have the state-run media smear my intended target for as long as it takes until the people are ''begging'' me to conquer them.
# I will invest in natural, renewable resources to power my evil factories and machines. Smoke-billowing industrial wastelands may be thematically appropriate, but even I'm not immune to the health hazards their pollution causes, and it's far easier to just build another set of solar batteries or wind generators than to find another source of plutonium or coal.
## Obviously, this does not apply if my armies and I [[TheUndead aren't alive anymore]]. Then I can cover the entire planet in a cloud of smoke and ashes, killing all life on the surface, without being affected myself. And if I need more living for [[VirginSacrifice Virgin Sacrifices]], [[LifeEnergy food]] or just to bolster the ranks of my army of the dead, then there are [[AllPlanetsAreEarthlike always other]] [[PlanetLooters sources of life]].
## In that case, I'll set up several "meat farms" to regulate the fleshies we'll need for those purposes; no telling what kind of techniques other societies outside my circle have to take out the undead.
## That said, I will make sure the farms limit the number of meat-bags alive at any given time, are properly supervised, and are divided into small groups (in as much as possible). This is just asking for a noble hero to rise up and start a rebellion among the oppressed. Perhaps I'll just develop some kind of cloning/rapid maturation process instead. No rule says that a human in a vegetative state can't be sacrificed.
## Similarly, I will ''not'' build any machine that is [[{{Unobtainium}} fueled by an incredibly rare or one-of-a-kind material or artifact]]; it took me years to get what I have, now, and I won't squander it away on some easily-stopped DoomsdayDevice.
## Unless I already have it on-hand and don't have anything better to do with it.
## And even then, I'll first make sure that I can't modify it to accept an alternate power source, or for a use that wouldn't be of as much interest to the heroes.
## Hell, if I ''do'' end up coming across any {{Unobtainium}}, instead of immediately building a machine that uses it as a power source, I'll first thoroughly study it to see if I can't synthesize it. If it turns out I cannot, I'll destroy the Unobtainium immediately to keep it from being used against me.
## Or I'll use it to create a bomb. Because if I'm going to destroy it anyway, why not get some use out of it as well?
## Said bomb will be rigged with as many ways as possible to ensure that it detonates. We're talking about a missile that has twelve remotes and eight timers in case it fails to detonate on impact. Try defusing and reverse-engineering ''that'', wise guy.
### If, in this case, I am required to have a turn-off method in the rare case that the thing is activated ''within'' my inner sanctum/fortress/other vulnerable area but unlaunched, it should consist of ten keys, with copies sent to various subordinates, such as lieutenants, with at least two keys in secured locations only I can access, with no other copies of them. These two in particular should contain self-detonation devices implanted in the teeth of the keys, triggered through both the presence of oxygen (or the local abundant gas) and a detonator in my possession, with its own kill-switch in the case it is removed from my possession. Voice commands are optional, but I shall use variations of my normal voice, unused in any other case - 'tis folly to be unable to defuse my own bomb because my lieutenant got himself killed, or the heroes have somebody who can imitate my voice.
### In the same vein, all my ramparts of my primary fortress should be equipped with Aegis missile launchers or equivalent to take down the missile in the rare case the heroes circumvent its protections and send it at my fortress.
# I will hire a team of crack [[Series/{{CSI}} forensic scientists]] and crime scene cleanup personnel to advise me on how to cover my tracks and plant convincingly fake evidence implicating someone else of my latest evil scheme.
## If I "own" the police, I will also make sure I "own" their forensic scientists and cleanup crew, not only for the above, but also to ensure the properly wrong people are prosecuted for my misdeeds.
## And I'm gonna make ''damn sure'' I own the fire department, and possibly poison control as well.
## You know what, screw it. I'm just gonna take over the entire emergency response system ''period''. No ''911'' for you, mortally wounded hero!
### I will also buy up all the local telecoms, and have any ''911'' calls from the hero's phone routed to a phone-sex operator.
# As part of my effort to stay an Equal Opportunity Evil Overlord, I will ''not'' [[EveryoneHasStandards be repulsed by or deny admittance into my squad for the unusual quirks or beliefs of potential henchmen/allies, no matter how socially/morally disturbing]]. However, unless they would prove useful in my latest scheme, I must insist that they practice said quirks/beliefs during their own free time and not on duty, and to be respectful of those of everyone else under my thrall. After all, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone I don't ''want'' hurt, I see no reason why my cannibalistic, necrophiliac {{Satan}}-worshiping underling can't brush up on his rituals of the flesh in his quarters, and it would be hypocritical and unbecoming of me to refuse him that privilege while I'm ensuring [[FluffyTheTerrible Fluffy The Terrible]] has his daily meal of fresh peasants.
## However, I will maintain plausible deniability at all times, both for me and my lieutenants, and begin training a replacement if it looks like a meddling hero will soon come to "remove" him from my service. I may even punish him first if I am looking to gain the hero's good graces for later.
## Also, such people make perfect scapegoats, when they are in charge of some task too unpopular to be considered as something their master or even valuable lieutenants would do with their own hands. It's not too hard to suggest that it was an abuse of power he was offed for, as opposed to execution of orders too eagerly. And most people will believe - save those who are allowed to think their intrigues did the trick. After all, [[JosefStalin it's almost tradition]].
## Alternatively, if I really do have [[EvenEvilHasStandards standards]] then this is what I tell them in order to gather all the scum in one place. And if I can't think of [[BloodSport anything]] [[HumanResources to]] [[MadScientist do]] [[MadArtist with]] a whole bunch of people that [[AcceptableTargets no one will actually miss]], then I need to learn how to do my job better.
## This, however, goes right out the window if my foe [[MetalGearSolid uses stealth]] [[VideoGame/MetalGearRisingRevengeance or is a cyborg ninja.]]
# If I come into an incredible source of power or technology that can be internalized, I will not use it immediately to transform myself [[AGodAmI into a god]]. Instead, I will take it back to my lab and have it analyzed thoroughly for any [[ThisIsYourBrainOnEvil potential harmful side effects that could jeopardize my sanity, health, or standing]], then find countermeasures to them, if any. If it turns out I cannot counteract the negative side effects, or there are too many to counteract, I will destroy it immediately. Under no circumstance shall I leave it for my enemies to find; even if it takes out one or all of them with its corrupting influence, chances are they'll be able to [[DangerousForbiddenTechnique use it to take me out, first]].
## These things make great presents for a trustworthy-but-inept mook, though.
## No. Not even then. When WithGreatPowerComesGreatInsanity, all bets are off.
## Yes, then. I will just put a bomb in the mook's head beforehand. If he shows any ill effects, I will detonate the bomb while the ascension is still in its early, vulnerable stages. Should that fail, I will just go running to the Hero and [[EnemyMine make him clean up my problem]].
### The power upgrade ''always'' allows said Mook-That-Was to neutralize the [[RestrainingBolt headbomb]]. ''Always''.
# I will ''not'' be a SlaveToPR; how I will act and appear before the public eye will be based solely on how such action would be the most beneficial to my plans at the time. Not only will this leave me open to myriad more options to achieve my goals than usual, it'll also confuse the hell out of my PR-shackled enemies and rivals, preventing them from predicting my next course of action and rallying a revolt against me among the (most likely equally confuddled) masses.
## I will still include the benefits of being a VillainWithGoodPublicity into any cost-benefit calculations I make, though.
## I'll also keep in mind that my enemies and rivals will still most likely be bound by PR, and will use that to my advantage whenever possible, unless such exploitation will disrupt my schemes or undermine any PR benefits I might get.
## I will, however, keep in mind that the average AntiHero doesn't care about PR.
# Any giant robot I send after the heroes will have a giant red eye on the part of its body furthest from any kind of critical system.
## Alternatively, the robot and anything else I want to look ominous wil be ''[[BodyMotifs covered]]'' in GlowingEyesOfDoom, with EyeBeams optional. Said eyes will be a mix of colors. That oughta be good for a MindScrew or two.
## I will also equip the robot with an internal bomb rigged to go off if any critical system stops functioning. I will keep the prototypes and unused robots in armored containers in a special facility far from the base just in case a bomb malfunctions.
# If I have a system of teleporters between my evil lairs, they will have surveillance systems. If someone unauthorised steps in them, they'll get a nice one way ticket to the surface of the sun.
## Naturally, the surveillance systems will be immune to hacking, so it is never ''me'' that is sent to the sun.
### On second thought, I will have it teleport the intruder into the Dungeon. That way, if TheHero DOES hack it, I won't die a painful death, my loyal mooks will get me out of there and reboot the entire surveillance system. [[MookFaceTurn If they don't]], I'll free myself using the cell key that I carry with me at all time and have them executed.
# I will never try to steal the power of a god.
## I might reconsider if I am in a [[TabletopGame/DungeonsAndDragons setting]] where something like that might actually work.
## Leasing, renting or bartering for the power of a God, on the other hand, are all viable options, assuming I can find a trustworthy God amenable to the idea.
## I will remember than any God amenable to the idea of giving ''me'' power is probably about as far away from trustworthy as you can get. I will instead devote my resources to figuring out how to [[AGodAmI ascend on my own merits]].
# I will never possess someone, especially not the hero's best friend. It always ends poorly.
## If I lose my body and have to possess somebody, I will go to somebody who doesn't have [[TrueCompanions friends]] who will [[NotHimself notice something odd]] and [[IKnowYoureInThereSomewhereFight help him kick me out.]]
## If I'm picking who to possess, someone who's already evil is a good choice.
## But I'll make sure he's not [[EvilerThanThou Eviler Than Me]].
## If I am the victim of a BodySwap, I will make sure to take a calm look around TheHero's base, make notes, and quietly email them to TheDragon. I will then ingest a slow-acting poison, do something [[IdiotBall stupidly villainous]] to [[BatmanGambit tip my hand]], and wait for the FiveManBand to figure out a way to get us [[ResetButton swapped back]]. First off, of course, I will totally bang his LoveInterest and screw up all that {{UST}} and potential for ThePowerOfLove (or even VirginPower) to save the day. [[WhosYourDaddy See you on Maury]], sucker!
# If I have the hero cornered, I will not hesitate to [[JustBetweenYouAndMe tell him or her the exact and complete details of my evil plan]], up to and including pointing to a door behind which the most important and delicate part of my plan lies. Let's face it; with today's spy technology, computer hackers, and sneaky heroes, it's almost certain that they're going to be aware of the general gist of the situation. I will, however, neglect to tell them that the most important and delicate part of my plan includes the team of heroes vaporizing themselves when they try to turn off or destroy my [[strike:oversized lava lamp]] "force field generator".
# All ceremonies celebrating my [[AGodAmI ascent to godhood]], marriage to the brainwashed princess, or assumption of a powerful magical artifact will take place ''after'' I've actually done so. Preferably by several months.
# If my plans keep failing beyond my tolerance, I will cheat. Who says only the heroes can GameShark and [[GodModders Godmode]] their way past annoying obstacles?
## If cheating is impossible, I will quit, [[HeelFaceTurn turn good]], and throw the entire might of my vast empire behind the heroes. Once I join their ranks, I should be able to find out what makes them unbeatable and either take its power or at least neutralize it. Then it's time to [[FaceHeelTurn go evil again]].
## If ''that'' is impossible, I will remember that (if I've done this at all right until now) I'm immortal and they're not, and I will simply wait 80 years. Nobody's going to expect a sneak attack after I've been a beloved figure of good for two generations, and anyone who could have stopped me will either be dead or infirm.
### I will wait until they are all dead. The infirm can always try to teach the young.
### During the hiatus, I'll keep an eye open for prophecies or such. If they predict a major evil (me) come back in a century, I'll strike in 95 years. Or 105.
# Most teenage heroes, no matter what they claim, (especially if Japanese) will follow the dictates of their family, school, and society. I am a villain. I can ''manipulate'' those dictates. Upon learning that a legendary band of teenagers can defeat me, I will make sure their parents suddenly get great paying jobs in other cities. Also, I will take full advantage of the apparent fact that teenage heroes find it mandatory to follow society and go their own ways after graduating High School. Again, I'll make sure they get jobs far, far away from each other and the original location so none of that pesky "mentor" business.
## Even better, once I take control of a country, I'll make all children/teenagers "wards of the state" (read: trapped in school) up to age 21. It may wipe out my budget, but at least I won't have to worry about [[KidHero those meddling kids]] showing up and ruining my plans.
### Or I'll just [[BreadAndCircuses hand them some snacks, a TV, and a laptop]] and let [[TVTropesWillRuinYourLife the Internet do the rest.]]
## I'll make up the ensuing budget deficit by tying all healthcare plans to employment, so that any [[OlderAndWiser retired heroes]], [[KidHero jobless teenage protagonists]], or [[TheDrifter mysterious hobos]] won't be able to heal their injuries after a fight.
### As an added bonus, this will prevent my minions from [[HeelFaceTurn switching sides]]. Who's going to join the Hero when they don't have medical coverage for the (several thousand) injuries they're going to suffer?
# On the off chance I find a ''good'' genie, I will free him. That way he won't be available for the heroes. Before I free him, I will wish for him to never directly or indirectly help anyone harm or defeat me, ever. Only with that in place (in writing, I think) will I then free him.
# If I find a truly evil genie (as opposed to a LiteralGenie or one who is good but forced to obey), I will find a random cave with no {{Death Trap}}s, put the lamp in it (on an altar so it looks important and can't be missed), and then bribe the local government to rename it "The Ancient Cave of Wonders". Make sure the heroes know about it and find it, and then just wait for my problems to solve themselves.
# In any situation where a number of wishes are granted for me, I will use all the wishes immediately, so as to avoid making accidental wishes with negative consequences. In the event that I have fewer wishes prepared than the number offered, I will make my wishes and then say "I wish for this statement to be a wish" repeatedly until my wishes are expended.
# I will politely ask the genie if I'm allowed to wish for more wishes. If the answer is no, I will wish for more genies.
# I will not leave keys, weapons and medical supplies lying around my base for the heroes to find and use. That's just stupid.
# If any of my underlings proposes their own plan to destroy the heroes/conquer the planet/etc., they will be instructed to take their proposal to a crack R&D team; that team, in turn, will be instructed only to outright reject proposals that, after all reasonable fine-tuning to them has been exhausted, are simply too costly or unreliable compared to the possible advantage gained. I will of course have the final say on which proposals will be accepted or not, but creativity and refinement will be emphasized with all plans submitted. At the very least, the illusion given that I actually care about my minions' little pet projects will keep them from turning against me in an attempt to prove "it'll really work, honest".
# If one of these schemes is good enough to implement, the minion behind it will be right there by my side while it's carried out, and receive full credit for their idea. Not only will it encourage further innovation among the ranks, but it'll paint ''him'' as the target instead of me when someone comes to thwart the scheme and keep me from looking like a GeneralFailure if the plan goes to hell in a hand-basket.
# Especially if said minion is [[DaddysLittleVillain family]]. Nothing bonds a father and child better than a Take Your Child to Work Day where you both get to focus on all of the fun parts of being an Evil Overlord.
# I will encourage a strong sense of camaraderie amongst my legions of terror, especially my QuirkyMinibossSquad. Won't the heroes be surprised when a posse ten thousand strong puts ThePowerOfFriendship on ''my'' side?
# I will encourage MinionShipping, and even be open to advances from my subordinates. Not only will it bring us ThePowerOfLove, but it'll also keep me from even being ''tempted'' to [[IHaveYouNowMyPretty try seducing the hero's significant other]]. After all, the DarkActionGirl has [[EvilIsSexy more to offer me]], and trying to keep up with her is [[AmazonChaser more fun anyhow]].
# I will, however, remember that although eternal love and devotion are nice, they are not the same as eternal ''loyalty.''
# Whenever possible, I should be in a position where I don't have to cover anything up, but if I absolutely have to [[RevealingCoverUp kill someone in order to cover something up]], then overkill is the way to go. So, Mister [[GreatDetective Great Detective]], how do you plan to recover the [[MacGuffin briefcase]] from the embassy when it, your [[ReverseMole informant]], the city the embassy was in, and vast areas of the surrounding landscape are all radioactive ash?
## I will also recall how the Mafia does this, and put someone ''else'' in charge of the coverup, and then kill ''him'' when the first phase of killings is completed. If I have enough expendable minions, I will put at least five cutout layers of killings to cover up the killings to cover up between myself and what I wanted covered up to start with.
## Alternatively, I will instruct the expendable killers with the phrase "It would be nice if ______ was dead" then let them go out and do it. However, they will be killed before they even get back, giving me plausible deniability: "I didn't give an order for ________ to be killed. I do not know of the circumstances of their deaths."
# If I need to thwart the hero's progress, I'll use obstacles that are bafflingly un-obstacle-like when possible. They'll thwart the hero's progress longer if he can't ''tell'' they're thwarting his progress.
# If I am [[PresidentEvil the ruler]] of my own country, planet or solar system, then I will make sure that my military is loyal to me and competent enough to avoid [[TwoDSpace certain]] [[HollywoodTactics mistakes]] common in fiction.
## Obviously, this loyalty and competence will extend to all branches of [[TheGovernment government]], [[CorruptCorporateExecutive business]], [[MadScientist science]], [[TheSyndicate organized crime]] and [[VillainWithGoodPublicity media]].
# I will remember that [[NewMediaAreEvil new media is not (inherently) evil.]]
# Also, I will keep a blog to share my personal opinions on matters. It's [[VillainWithGoodPublicity good for PR]]. What I post will not necessarily reflect what I actually think or feel on the subject, however.
# I will periodically send my assassins to kill random conspiracy nuts in suspicious-looking ways. There is little danger that they will find out about my plans and no one would have believed them anyway, but the heroes will be [[RevealingCoverUp convinced that they were killed for what they knew]] and will get so wrapped up in trying to foil my diabolical plan to give all trees epilepsy that my real plans will go unchallenged. Plus it gives my assassins something to do.
# I will double-check the tinfoil hat theories before killing the tinfoil hatter that came up with them. If it's not something I want people to believe, has nothing to do with me, or seems like something I might want to implement in the near future, the crazy guy gets hired. It's important to think outside the box.
# Explosive gas containers will be stored within metal cages as OSHA standards would require.
# I will not, however stress-relieving it is, practice my golf driving shot with puppies. This extends to all possible interpretations of the phrase. The puppies will not be the ball, the clubs, offering advice, or even present. Dogs are under no circumstances allowed on my fairways.
# My henchmen will work in groups of [[PowerTrio three]] or [[FiveManBand five]], never [[FourIsDeath four]].
# I will mandate that ''all'' groups for all purposes be of either three or five. Including all groups that fight monsters in the name of some other empire. For exactly the same reason.
# I will publicly decree that any group of four in my empire will be punished by death or imprisonment, depending on my mood that day. (I will make only token attempts to enforce this law, just enough that it remains public knowledge.) TheHero will instantly assume I have some kind of WeaksauceWeakness to the number and deliberately form a four-man party. At ''worst'', this will set him apart as a potential enemy.
# I will [[IGaveMyWord fulfill my end of all contracts]], in full, as soon as promised. Even though it might be fun to alter deals halfway through, that's just begging the other party to perform a HeelFaceTurn. And I will not quibble about ExactWords either, unless they're playing the wise guy.
# I will ''never'' promise to uphold my end of the deal before the other party upholds theirs. Just because I want repeat customers doesn't mean I can trust everyone else. (I will ensure this at the promise-''making'' point of the deal.)
## I will also remember that I am doing this out of pragmatism as opposed to a sense of honour, and will not consider this rule binding. If breaking the contract would result in the instantaneous death of the hero and my ascent to godhood, my word will most certainly not be my bond.
# If I am in a [[SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism heavily idealistic]] series/movies/whatever and the heroes suddenly start forming a circle and singing, I will order my troops to retreat immediately. I will then use the time they're singing to put the snipers in place (preferably robot snipers immune to ThePowerOfFriendship).
# When naming my children I'll pay close attention to the meaning of the name. I wouldn't want to give them a positive [[PropheticNames prophetic name]] and having them end up helping to defeat me. Neither should I name them after anyone who betrayed or killed either/both of their parents. Mordred? Bad idea.
# If my significant other insists on ThemeNaming, I'll make sure [[OddNameOut all the children are included in the theme.]]
# If I have a lieutenant who is completely loyal to me, believing me to be on the good side despite the heroes' assurances that I am actually evil, I will ''not'' decide it is a good idea to notify them of the fact that I have secretly hated them for as long as I've known them.
# I will also consider seducing the lieutenant into turning evil himself, so that I can quit with the "I'm really good" act. If this fails, I will just kill the lieutenant -- having to lie to your trusted underlings sorta undercuts the whole point of them being trusted in the first place.
# I will not attempt to "steal Christmas". Or Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Boxing Day, Setsubun or any other holiday widely observed by the people. There is no way it can end well. I will instead make myself well known for [[BreadAndCircuses doing highly generous, festive and visible acts]] in addition to paying proper respect to all socio-religious celebrations.
# I will encourage people to celebrate pseudo-holidays such as Valentine's Day, Flag Day, Hero Appreciation Day... okay, well, maybe not that last one, but having the populace bicker over which holidays are better than which other holidays is more helpful to me than seeing them organize themselves over complete repression of said holidays.
# If I feel the need to rig an election, I will not rig the election such that I will win everything, everywhere, with everyone loving me. I will instead rig it so that I win by a plausible, but not overwhelming, margin. I want my enemies to have the small bit of hope that they can oust me in an election and focus on doing that rather then killing me.
# I will make use of secret ballots and rig the statistics so that the heroes try to start a rebellion in the one place that my popularity is assured. It'll be amusing to watch the heroes outrun a lynch mob, and even if they don't the statistical weirdness should give the conspiracy nuts loyal to me something to play with.
# Any goggles used in my complex WILL be fully [[GogglesDoNothing functional]]
# If I ''absolutely, positively, undeniably'' MUST have a self destruct system aboard my ship, I will ensure that whoever activates will be killed when they do so. If no-one is willing to die to destroy the ship, self-destruction isn't really necessary.
# There are [[BlatantLies only two]] detonation triggers: my personal escape pod and the aforementioned button. In case my personal escape pod is boarded by the heroes, I will have a third detonation trigger for the escape pod given to my most trusted lieutenant. And even that will only work [[TakingYouWithMe after I'm already dead]], so no assassination attempts.
# I will hire sane scientists to balance the work of my Mad Scientists, and my scientists in general will be punished for abusive behavior.
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### In particular, I will be either an extremely kind dictator ala Dr. Doom, or a psycho killer that's either funny or awesome, like {{Deadpool}} or Deathstroke.
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## I will, however, still get all mental illnesses dealt with. [[TheSpoonyExperiment Dr.]] [[AtopTheFourthWall Insano]] never wins.
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## [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Jaywalking]], on the other hand, will be punished SEVERELY..... By the [[TheBatman Joker....]]
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## If my lead researcher's family was killed by my Computer Assisted Biologically Augmented Lifeform, I won't have her in charge of my Logarithmically Engineered Governing Intelligence? especially if essential in obtaining the artifact necessary for my ascension. I'm looking at you, [[CommandAndConquer Kane]].

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## If my lead researcher's family was killed by my Computer Assisted Biologically Augmented Lifeform, I won't have her in charge of my Logarithmically Engineered Governing Intelligence? especially if essential in obtaining the artifact necessary for my ascension. I'm looking at you, [[CommandAndConquer [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquerTiberianSeries Kane]].
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# I will leave backup planes on a table when no one is around. And by "backup" I mean "decoy that will fool the heroes into playing along with my evil plans."

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# I will leave backup planes plans on a table when no one is around. And by "backup" I mean "decoy that will fool the heroes into playing along with my evil plans."
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-> [[JustForFun/TVTropesAdditionalEvilOverlordVows Visit the main dungeon here.]]
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## If I ''am'' the Devil or otherwise a mystical creature who likes screwing people over with deals, I'll let someone insignificant "win" once in a blue moon. Maybe I'll pretend to lose, or maybe it'll just be a straight out "honest" exchange. Then I'll make certain that word of this incident gets out. Why? Because it works for casinos and lotteries. Far more souls will be willing to risk it than if ''every'' deal I ever make goes sour.
### As an added bonus, it will drive the Forces of Light crazy trying to find the "catch."
#### I will not, however, use a roulette wheel for such purposes, as that can become rather... circuitous... in the long run.
# I will make sure that I'm DangerouslyGenreSavvy. Though if I'm reading or using this list, I already am.
## In addition, I will make sure that I don't take everything at face value, but actually ''think'' about this list and how it applies. Some of the things on here are not genre savvy, but I am genre savvy enough to catch them.
## I will also watch for it in my minions. The ones who aren't are more likely to be incompetent, but the ones who are, are most likely looking to take my place.
# If I am immortal, then I have absolutely no excuse for ''not'' learning martial arts and [[SwordFight sword fighting]].
## I should learn them anyway.
## I should probably make sure I know how to [[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy properly aim a gun]] while I'm at it.
## All minions will be taught how to deal with [[BareFistedMonk Bare Fisted Monks]] with reliance on Kung Fu, Karate, or similar. A good ol' fashioned grab-and-slam is unusually effective against them.
### Bullets work too. Unless the target has the proven ability to [[DodgeTheBullet dodge]] or [[BulletCatch catch]] them.
### Flamethrowers also seem effective against Karate and the flame can't be caught or dodged.
#### I will be wary of monks that can catch fire.
# I will not maintain MedievalStasis when I come to power; I will encourage the [[DungeonPunk march forward with technology]].
## I will research PsychicPowers, FunctionalMagic, and KiAttacks to surprise any heroes with. Let's see them cope with an unexpected GenreShift from [[HighSchool High School Drama]] to DungeonPunk!

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## # If I ''am'' the Devil or otherwise a mystical creature who likes screwing people over with deals, I'll let someone insignificant "win" once in a blue moon. Maybe I'll pretend to lose, or maybe it'll just be a straight out "honest" exchange. Then I'll make certain that word of this incident gets out. Why? Because it works for casinos and lotteries. Far more souls will be willing to risk it than if ''every'' deal I ever make goes sour.
### As an added bonus, it will drive the Forces of Light crazy trying to find the "catch."
#### I will not, however, use a roulette wheel for such purposes, as that can become rather... circuitous... in the long run.
# I will make sure that I'm DangerouslyGenreSavvy. Though if I'm reading or using this list, I already am.
##
am. In addition, I will make sure that I don't take everything at face value, but actually ''think'' about this list and how it applies. Some of the things on here are not genre savvy, but I am genre savvy enough to catch them.
##
them. I will also watch for it in my minions. The ones who aren't are more likely to be incompetent, but the ones who are, are most likely looking to take my place.
# If I am immortal, then I have absolutely no excuse for ''not'' learning martial arts and arts, [[SwordFight sword fighting]].
## I should learn them anyway.
## I should probably make sure I know
fighting]] and how to [[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy [[ImprobableAimingSkills properly aim a gun]] while I'm at it.
##
gun]]
#
All minions will be taught how to deal with [[BareFistedMonk Bare Fisted Monks]] with reliance on Kung Fu, Karate, or similar. A good ol' fashioned grab-and-slam is unusually effective against them.
### Bullets work too. Unless the target has the proven ability to [[DodgeTheBullet dodge]] or [[BulletCatch catch]] them.
### Flamethrowers also seem effective against Karate and the flame can't be caught or dodged.
#### I will be wary of monks that can catch fire.
# I will not maintain MedievalStasis when I come to power; I will encourage the [[DungeonPunk march forward with technology]].
##
technology]]. I will research PsychicPowers, FunctionalMagic, and KiAttacks to surprise any heroes with. Let's see them cope with an unexpected GenreShift from [[HighSchool High School Drama]] to DungeonPunk!



## If land mines are not available, I will either invent them or find a substitute.
## Tac Nukes are not a substitute. At least, not for personal combat.
## If I'm ever in personal combat, running away and leaving things to various minions is probably the best tactic of all.
## Should this fail, I will have a team of snipers ready to fire.



## Similarly, if [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgment_of_Paris three goddesses want me to pick which one of them is the most beautiful]], each one trying to bribe me with her personal blessing, one offering to make me a great King, the second offering me the love of the most beautiful woman in the world and the third offering me great wisdom and skill in war, then I'll choose great wisdom and skill in war. That way I can carve out my own kingdom and if I still want the most beautiful woman in the world, then I can just conquer the place she lives in and ask her to marry me. [[MostWritersAreMale All chicks dig power and wealth, right]]?
### Wrong. I will be GenreSavvy enough to follow Wiki Links and know that this choice is SchmuckBait. I will [[TakeAThirdOption redirect said goddesses]] to TheHero, who can spend his time [[GodIsEvil enduring the scorn]] of the other two goddesses who were [[WomanScorned spurned by his decision]]. If he manages to [[TakeAThirdOption score all three gifts]], my status as the CosmicPlaything will be assured and I will retire, knowing that FailureIsTheOnlyOption.
# I will not leave clues for the hero that will eventually lead to my demise. If I do, I will make sure they are false clues, to throw the hero off my trail.
## In case the hero is not fooled, said false clues will ''not'' be the exact opposite of what I want the hero to do, rather than that they will be on two ends of a spectrum of choices which will favour me and have as little as possible to do with anything that could favour the hero (although not so little as to indicate what this is by its absence).

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## Similarly, if [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgment_of_Paris three goddesses want me to pick which one of them is the most beautiful]], each one trying to bribe me with her personal blessing, one offering to make me a great King, the second offering me the love of the most beautiful woman in the world and the third offering me great wisdom and skill in war, then I'll choose great wisdom and skill in war. That way I can carve out my own kingdom and if I still want the most beautiful woman in the world, then I can just conquer the place she lives in and ask her to marry me. [[MostWritersAreMale All chicks dig power and wealth, right]]?
### Wrong. I will be GenreSavvy enough to follow Wiki Links and know that this choice is SchmuckBait. I will [[TakeAThirdOption redirect said goddesses]] to TheHero, who can spend his time [[GodIsEvil enduring the scorn]] of the other two goddesses who were [[WomanScorned spurned by his decision]]. If he manages to [[TakeAThirdOption score all three gifts]], my status as the CosmicPlaything will be assured and I will retire, knowing that FailureIsTheOnlyOption.
# I will not leave clues for the hero that will eventually lead to my demise. If I do, I will make sure they are false clues, to throw the hero off my trail.
##
trail. In case the hero is not fooled, said false clues will ''not'' be the exact opposite of what I want the hero to do, rather than that they will be on two ends of a spectrum of choices which will favour me and have as little as possible to do with anything that could favour the hero (although not so little as to indicate what this is by its absence).do.



## However, I will also take the utmost care to both make sure that this group does not turn traitor, as well as sending at least one covert ops squad to perform recon in tandem with the perpetually-failing group and discover why this group continues to fail.
### And upon discovery of this reason, will think up a plan to help my non-traitorous, perpetually-failing group to finally succeed, thus giving them a fair chance to redeem themselves. Who knows; it might not have been their fault they failed in the first place. Why do I care? To prevent my other minions wanting revenge for their killed-by-me friend(s)/family member(s) to leave me and help the hero.
## Wily old mentors are WalkingTheEarth everywhere these days. I will secure the services of some of the more morally ambiguous ones, so that my henchmen can endure TrainingFromHell and TakeALevelInBadass. It works for the heroes all the time, so why not try it out? These minions are obviously very loyal to me, as they went out and suffered a humiliating loss at the hands of the heroes. And withstood the hero's friendship speeches, and attempts to turn them from my service. You can't teach that kind of loyalty, but you CAN teach someone how to murder their enemies with a triple flip kick.

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## However, I will also take the utmost care to both make sure that this group does not turn traitor, as well as sending at least one covert ops squad to perform recon in tandem with the perpetually-failing group and discover why this group continues to fail.
### And upon discovery of this reason, will think up a plan to help my non-traitorous, perpetually-failing group to finally succeed, thus giving them a fair chance to redeem themselves. Who knows; it might not have been their fault they failed in the first place. Why do I care? To prevent my other minions wanting revenge for their killed-by-me friend(s)/family member(s) to leave me and help the hero.
## Wily
# As wily old mentors are WalkingTheEarth everywhere these days. days, I will secure the services of some of the more morally ambiguous ones, so that my henchmen can endure TrainingFromHell and TakeALevelInBadass. It works for the heroes all the time, so why not try it out? These minions are obviously very loyal to me, as they went out and suffered a humiliating loss at the hands of the heroes. And withstood the hero's friendship speeches, and attempts to turn them from my service. You can't teach that kind of loyalty, but you CAN teach someone how to murder their enemies with a triple flip kick.out?

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# I will [[TheChessmaster study chess]]. I will get good at it.
## To be on the safe side, I will also have at least a working knowledge of [[ChessWithDeath Twister, Battleship, Yahtzee and other contemporary games]].
### I will also require all of my mad scientists and their direct underlings to do the same - if I happen to employ Souichi Tomoe, I will specifically require Twister.
#### I will keep a close eye on all of them, to make sure they don't turn on me with the mad board game skillz I taught them.
## I will remember that in a pinch a game of chess can be won by [[CuttingTheKnot using the board to knock your opponent unconscious]]. I will apply that principle to my strategy when appropriate.
# I will use lie detectors during interrogation.
## But only if I have access to magical and/or futuristic {{lie detector}}s that ''actually work''. There's a reason why polygraph readings aren't admissible in court.
## In addition, if any minions start to show [[JackBauerInterrogationTechnique Bauer-esque]] tendencies, I will demote them and replace them with ''actual'' intelligence operatives.
### Skip the demote part. If I have a Jack Bauer, he's going to be the leader of my QuirkyMinibossSquad. Who knows, maybe they'll finally accomplish something.
# I will not [[LoadBearingBoss set my base to self-destruct upon my defeat]]; such sites are notoriously difficult and expensive to locate and build, and it's easier to just take it over again should it be captured, besides. I ''will'', however, set all my equipment to [[ExplosiveOverclocking short out]] and set controllable fires to destroy any projects I am currently working on, to make sure my enemies don't get their hands on them after forcing me out of my lair.
## I will also make sure that all data and backups for any plans in the works are saved in other locations, so I won't [[NoPlansNoPrototypeNoBackup have to start from scratch with each defeat]].
### Even better, if I happen to escape the base before the heroes got out, all equipments will be short out, ''and'' the base will be sealed and all the air sucked out. Let's see the look on heroes' face when they suffer hypoxia and all symptoms associated with exposure to vacuum. Plus, they are likely to die. If not, then they can't use my equipments, and the base will be kept clean because of vacuum.
# If I develop a seemingly flawless plan, only for it to be foiled by the hero at the last second through a million-to-one stroke of luck, I will immediately start work on reusing the same plan. The odds of that trick working twice are a trillion to one.
## [[CoughSnarkCough ''cough'']] [[MillionToOneChance statistics]] [[CoughSnarkCough ''cough'']]
## However I will change the circumstances ''ever so slightly'' so that it is a Million and One To One Chance and thus unlikely.
## Gambler's Fallacy; messing it up again is still a million to one even if they already did it once.
### I will have a secondary plan in the works regardless of whether or not the original plan was foiled.
## If there is one thing I've learned in this line of work, it's that a ''MillionToOneChance'' happens nine out of ten times.
### Therefore, I will do it ten times.
## I will keep in mind that there are heroes who can succeed even if the chance of victory is Zero Percent. Before going forward with my MillionToOneChance plan, these heroes will be eliminated by a series of challenges that were carefully designed to not have any Third Options. None of these will be slow moving death traps. All will be a SadisticChoice scenario. If the hero says "take me, let them go" I will cheerfully agree. Then kill the others after the hero is verified as deceased.
### I will also attempt to take out the heroes with a team of snipers as they approach the chain of challenges.
### My plan will happen during or before the heroes initiate the first challenge.
# If I have the ability to teleport anywhere, at will, I will wait until the hero is asleep, and then teleport to right beside him and kill him. I will not think that [[NoSneakAttacks this is dishonorable]]. I'm evil, for pete's sake, why on earth would ''I'' care about honor?
## Naturally, I will screen the place first by whatever means available so that I know what I'm stepping into. If appropriate, I will also cast/have underlings cast on me any and all buff spells that could possibly be of help.
## My lair in turn will be warded against both screening and teleport, so that munchkins cannot turn my own tactics against me. If possible, the screening ward will project realistic but entirely false images to distant observers and the teleport ward will dispel the buffs on all intruders before shunting them into a suitable death trap.
### If I really do care that much about honor, I will wait for him to wake up, and when he sees me, I'll kill him then.
#### Scratch that. People tend to wake up when they have a knife in their chest. He can see me then.
## Wait... if I am so evil, why am I using the expression "[[{{Bowdlerise}} for pete's sake]]"? What a [[HypocriticalHumor wussy]] villain I must be...
### Invoking the Almighty Overlord Peter, perhaps?
## Scratch the warding of my fortress against teleportation - I will make it so that the only way in is teleportation. I will also make sure that all teleportation in is re-routed to the most heavily guarded and inconvenient location for the heroes, while all teleportation out is re-routed to inside of the reactor core or the furnace or incinerator or something. While I'm at it, I'll make sure that this a flying fortress with an escape hatch very close to the most heavily guarded location. And that I at least know how to fly in the event that I need to escape.

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# I will [[TheChessmaster study chess]]. I will get good at it.
##
it. To be on the safe side, I will also have at least a working knowledge of [[ChessWithDeath Twister, Battleship, Yahtzee and other contemporary games]].
### I will also require all of my mad scientists and their direct underlings to do the same - if I happen to employ Souichi Tomoe, I will specifically require Twister.
#### I will keep a close eye on all of them, to make sure they don't turn on me with the mad board game skillz I taught them.
##
# I will remember that in a pinch a game of chess can be won by [[CuttingTheKnot using the board to knock your opponent unconscious]]. I will apply that principle to my strategy when appropriate.
# I will use lie detectors during interrogation.
##
interrogation. But only if I have access to magical and/or futuristic {{lie detector}}s that ''actually work''. There's a reason why polygraph readings aren't admissible in court.
## In addition, if any minions start to show [[JackBauerInterrogationTechnique Bauer-esque]] tendencies, I will demote them and replace them with ''actual'' intelligence operatives.
### Skip the demote part. If I have a Jack Bauer, he's going to be the leader of my QuirkyMinibossSquad. Who knows, maybe they'll finally accomplish something.
# I will not [[LoadBearingBoss set my base to self-destruct upon my defeat]]; such sites are notoriously difficult and expensive to locate and build, and it's easier to just take it over again should it be captured, besides. I ''will'', however, set all my equipment to [[ExplosiveOverclocking short out]] and set controllable fires to destroy any projects I am currently working on, to make sure my enemies don't get their hands on them after forcing me out of my lair.
##
lair. I will also make sure that all data and backups for any plans in the works are saved in other locations, so I won't [[NoPlansNoPrototypeNoBackup have to start from scratch with each defeat]].
### Even better, if I happen to escape the base before the heroes got out, all equipments will be short out, ''and'' the base will be sealed and all the air sucked out. Let's see the look on heroes' face when they suffer hypoxia and all symptoms associated with exposure to vacuum. Plus, they are likely to die. If not, then they can't use my equipments, and the base will be kept clean because of vacuum.
# If I develop a seemingly flawless plan, only for it to be foiled by the hero at the last second through a million-to-one stroke of luck, I will immediately start work on reusing the same plan. The odds of that trick working twice are a trillion to one.
## [[CoughSnarkCough ''cough'']] [[MillionToOneChance statistics]] [[CoughSnarkCough ''cough'']]
## However I will change the circumstances ''ever so slightly'' so that it is a Million and One To One Chance and thus unlikely.
## Gambler's Fallacy; messing it up again is still a million to one even if they already did it once.
### I will have a secondary plan in the works regardless of whether or not the original plan was foiled.
## If there is one thing I've learned in this line of work, it's that a ''MillionToOneChance'' happens nine out of ten times.
### Therefore, I will do it ten times.
##
one. I will keep in mind that there are heroes who can succeed even if the chance of victory is Zero Percent. Before going forward with my MillionToOneChance plan, these heroes will be eliminated by a series of challenges that were carefully designed to not have any Third Options. None of these will be slow moving death traps. All will be a SadisticChoice scenario. If the hero says "take me, let them go" I will cheerfully agree. Then kill the others after the hero is verified as deceased.
### I will also attempt to take out the heroes with a team of snipers as they approach the chain of challenges.
### My plan will happen during or before the heroes initiate the first challenge.
Percent.
# If I have the ability to teleport anywhere, at will, I will wait until the hero is asleep, and then teleport to right beside him and kill him. I will not think that [[NoSneakAttacks this is dishonorable]]. I'm evil, for pete's sake, why on earth would ''I'' care about honor?
## Naturally, I will screen the place first by whatever means available so that I know what I'm stepping into. If appropriate, I will also cast/have underlings cast on me any and all buff spells that could possibly be of help.
##
him.
#
My lair in turn will be warded against both screening and teleport, so that munchkins cannot turn my own tactics against me. teleport. If possible, the screening ward will project realistic but entirely false images to distant observers and the teleport ward will dispel the buffs on all intruders before shunting them into a suitable death trap.
### If I really do care that much about honor, I will wait for him to wake up, and when he sees me, I'll kill him then.
#### Scratch that. People tend to wake up when they have a knife in their chest. He can see me then.
## Wait... if I am so evil, why am I using the expression "[[{{Bowdlerise}} for pete's sake]]"? What a [[HypocriticalHumor wussy]] villain I must be...
### Invoking the Almighty Overlord Peter, perhaps?
## Scratch the warding of my fortress against teleportation - I will make it so that the only way in is teleportation. I will also make sure that all teleportation in is re-routed to the most heavily guarded and inconvenient location for the heroes, while all teleportation out is re-routed to inside of the reactor core or the furnace or incinerator or something. While I'm at it, I'll make sure that this a flying fortress with an escape hatch very close to the most heavily guarded location. And that I at least know how to fly in the event that I need to escape.
trap.



## I'll make sure both of them are watching from a safe distance in case he only saves ''one'' of the impostors.
## If he doesn't save ''either'' of them, I'll get an explanation out of him. Heroes [[LuckilyMyPowersWillProtectMe have the same urge to explain how they do what they do for no good reason]] that we do, so while he's yapping, I'll just kill him.
## If the hero is perceptive enough to see through such an obvious ploy, I ''will'' use the real deal as hostages, however I will make sure to use ''two'' deathtraps on each; one to kill the victim (which I will announce to the hero), and one to kill the hero once he ''saves'' the victim [[UnspokenPlanGuarantee (which will NOT be hinted at).]]
### Too late. You just did.
## Wait, scratch all that. I will NOT EVER do this. I will, instead, simply kill both the companions outright. If it's at all possible to send the hero into a HeroicBSOD, I will make their deaths as brutal as it takes to do so, and let the hero find out. If not, I will constantly dangle the hope that their companions are alive and well somewhere and just waiting to be rescued by the hero.
### I will not, however, kill them myself or ever allow the hero to find out about them while I'm anywhere in a 100-mile radius from the hero; I'll use a remote-controlled robot duplicate. The inevitable UnstoppableRage could be very hazardous to my health. And if the hero's [[DragonBallZ legendary power upgrade can be triggered by the death of a loved one]] then this is ''straight out.''
### I will NEVER kill the hero's companions unless they are at least as dangerous as the hero. Instead, I will attempt to persuade them that I am actually misunderstood instead of evil, then cheerfully release them, assuming we're not on the eve of activating my evil plan. The hero is far less likely to kill me if I PetTheDog often. It's not like a prison will ever actually hold me, even if I am overthrown. Even if the plan fails, survival means I can try again.



## On second thought, just keep them apart. There's a [[BattleCouple good]] [[MamaBear chance]] that touching ''him'' in front of ''her'' would be just as suicidal.
## I will make polite attempts to woo her, on the off chance that it works. If I am in a position where I can put most of my evil-doings off on my underlings or a super-powered evil side, I'll even help her escape. Again, survival is the ultimate goal, and she's probably the only one who's able to stop his UnstoppableRage.



## As usual, I will make sure that they are all always immune to insanity and betrayal.

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## Due to all of the backups making it possibly easier for the plans to be stolen, I will take all necessary precautions to keep them secret; for starters, they won't be left unlocked on a table when no one is around.
### I WILL leave a backup on a table when no one is around. And by "backup" I mean "decoy that will fool the heroes into playing along with my evil plans."
## All backups will be regularly checked by well-paid and loyal security guards, and anyone wishing to transport or utilize them will have to be authorized beforehand. Any instance where the backup has gone missing will be reported immediately. All backups will also be rigged with remotely-detonated bombs which will be immediately triggered if they go missing.
### This bomb will be powerful enough to destroy the backup but not powerful enough to inflict significant damage on the nearby area. Remotely blowing up the heroes might be fun but it's not worth the risk of accidentally blowing up a portion of the fortress because a backup was accidentally misplaced (or hidden in the reactor room by a meddling hero).
## If at all feasible, I will have DoomsdayDevice Version 0.9 started up five minutes after DoomsdayDevice Version 1.0. Because they will be kept in completely different facilities, my evil plans will have a fair chance of success even if the [[BigDamnHeroes heroes]] somehow manage to stop me [[JustInTime at the last second]]. In fact, if I have time, I will make and use Version 1.1 for my main plan and have Version 1.0 as my backup.

to:

## Due to all of the backups making it possibly easier for the plans to be stolen, # I will take all necessary precautions to keep them secret; for starters, they won't be left unlocked on a table when no one is around.
### I WILL
leave a backup planes on a table when no one is around. And by "backup" I mean "decoy that will fool the heroes into playing along with my evil plans."
## # All backups will be regularly checked by well-paid and loyal security guards, and anyone wishing to transport or utilize them will have to be authorized beforehand. Any instance where the backup has gone missing will be reported immediately. All backups will also be rigged with remotely-detonated bombs which will be immediately triggered if they go missing.
### This bomb will be powerful enough to destroy the backup but not powerful enough to inflict significant damage on the nearby area. Remotely blowing up the heroes might be fun but it's not worth the risk of accidentally blowing up a portion of the fortress because a backup was accidentally misplaced (or hidden in the reactor room by a meddling hero).
##
immediately.
#
If at all feasible, I will have DoomsdayDevice Version 0.9 started up five minutes after DoomsdayDevice Version 1.0. Because they will be kept in completely different facilities, my evil plans will have a fair chance of success even if the [[BigDamnHeroes heroes]] somehow manage to stop me [[JustInTime at the last second]]. In fact, if I have time, I will make and use Version 1.1 for my main plan and have Version 1.0 as my backup.



## My mad scientists will also be tasked with creating a completely proprietary OS for the computers, to prevent any on-site hacking. If there will be no way to find finances for such, I will at least use an obscure and archaic OS, preferably not binary compatible.

to:

## My # I will task my mad scientists will also be tasked with creating a completely proprietary OS for the computers, to prevent any on-site hacking. If there will be no way to find finances for such, I will at least use an obscure and archaic OS, preferably not binary compatible.



## I will make sure I am one of the 1,000 smartest people on the planet before I feel comfortable regularly employing the BatmanGambit in my schemes.

to:

## # I will make sure I am one of the 1,000 smartest people on the planet before I feel comfortable regularly employing the BatmanGambit in my schemes.



## The Three Laws of Evil Robotics:

to:

## # If I have to give my robots laws, I will give them the Three Laws of Evil Robotics. The Three Laws of Evil Robotics:Robotics are:



### Despite it making them less of an AffectionateParody I will split the first law into two separate laws, I don't want my robots letting me come to harm in order to ensure the success of my plan.
#### [[MyDeathIsJustTheBeginning Sometimes you do.]]
### Then again, if I am forced to choose between losing, say, a finger and letting my plan go to pieces, I will gladly give up the finger, and will program my robots with exceptions to Law 1A accordingly.
### I will place rule 2 above rule 1 to avoid a miracle of science type fail.
## In the event that, as suggested in previous guidelines, I am offered any wishes from a genie or other wish-granting figure, I will, after taking necessary precautions, wish for the First Law of Evil Robotics: "I wish that you may not injure me, the Evil Overlord, or through any inaction allow me or my plans to come to harm." The genie will then be forced to use its significant magical powers to ensure the success of all my evil plans, in accordance with Law 1A.
### However, if the genie is not capable of influencing the world beyond said wishes, that may be a waste of a wish - if you go ahead and use the remaining wishes, said genie will no longer be able to do anything. If you don't use your remaining wishes, then it's slightly better, as the genie could possibly manage to use those to do something to grant your first wish, but it's still iffy since you aren't actually wishing for anything yourself at the time. It all depends on how the limits work, and so you should keep in mind that it is not an infallible defence against plan failure.
### Before making the wish, I will ascertain that the being granting said wish will, indeed, grant the wish as presented. If necessary, I will study law sufficiently to plug any and all loopholes. I will also ensure that wishes have no expiry date.
### How bout this. First wish "I wish there is no more rules forbidding wishing for more wishes". This is not technically outside the rules of the wishes (if we go by the standard ruleset anyway). Then your follow up wish is for infinite wishes. One handly loop hole later, success and profit will follow. While this may make being an evil scheming bastard less fun, you can save these extra wishes for special occasions if you so fancy.
#### No, instead, "I wish for the power to grant my own wishes, with every wish I make following the spirit of the wish as I intend it at the time I make the wish, including this wish."
###If that's not possible, just wish for more Djinn.
#### If even that isn't possible, just wish for more gin.
# I will always send my AmazonBrigade to [[WouldntHitAGirl defeat male enemies]].
## But I will make sure they are HappilyMarried, [[AllAmazonsWantHercules to ensure they won't fall in love with them in the case they are defeated by them.]]
# All shipments will be blasted with gamma rays immediately upon entering my base.
## Unless gamma rays actually [[ComicBook/IncredibleHulk activate the hero's powers somehow]].
### If such is the case, I'll simply put a bullet or 10 in it. That way, I'll still kill the hero without making my supplies unusable.
#### Instead of putting bullets inside valuable equipment I'll just hire someone with [[XRayVision X-Ray Vision]] to inspect packages.

to:

### Despite it making them less of an AffectionateParody I will split the first law into two separate laws, I don't want my robots letting me come to harm in order to ensure the success of my plan.
#### [[MyDeathIsJustTheBeginning Sometimes you do.]]
### Then again, if I am forced to choose between losing, say, a finger and letting my plan go to pieces, I will gladly give up the finger, and will program my robots with exceptions to Law 1A accordingly.
### I will place rule 2 above rule 1 to avoid a miracle of science type fail.
##
# In the event that, as suggested in previous guidelines, I am offered any wishes from a genie or other wish-granting figure, I will, after taking necessary precautions, wish for the First Law of Evil Robotics: "I wish that you may not injure me, the Evil Overlord, or through any inaction allow me or my plans to come to harm." The genie will then be forced to use its significant magical powers to ensure the success of all my evil plans, in accordance with Law 1A.
### However, if the genie is not capable of influencing the world beyond said wishes, that may be a waste of a wish - if you go ahead and use the remaining wishes, said genie will no longer be able to do anything. If you don't use your remaining wishes, then it's slightly better, as the genie could possibly manage to use those to do something to grant your first wish, but it's still iffy since you aren't actually wishing for anything yourself at the time. It all depends on how the limits work, and so you should keep in mind that it is not an infallible defence against plan failure.
### Before making the wish, I will ascertain that the being granting said wish will, indeed, grant the wish as presented. If necessary, I will study law sufficiently to plug any and all loopholes. I will also ensure that wishes have no expiry date.
### How bout this. First wish "I wish there is no more rules forbidding wishing for more wishes". This is not technically outside the rules of the wishes (if we go by the standard ruleset anyway). Then your follow up wish is for infinite wishes. One handly loop hole later, success and profit will follow. While this may make being an evil scheming bastard less fun, you can save these extra wishes for special occasions if you so fancy.
#### No, instead, "I wish
for the power to grant my own wishes, with every wish I make following the spirit of the wish as I intend it at the time I make the wish, including this wish."
###If that's not possible, just wish for more Djinn.
#### If even that isn't possible, just wish for more gin.
# I will always send my AmazonBrigade to [[WouldntHitAGirl defeat male enemies]].
## But
enemies]]. I will make sure they are HappilyMarried, [[AllAmazonsWantHercules to ensure they won't fall in love with them in the case they are defeated by them.]]
# All shipments will be blasted with gamma rays immediately upon entering my base.
## Unless gamma rays actually [[ComicBook/IncredibleHulk activate the hero's powers somehow]].
### If such is the case, I'll simply put a bullet or 10 in it. That way, I'll still kill the hero without making my supplies unusable.
#### Instead of putting bullets inside valuable equipment I'll just hire
viewed by someone with [[XRayVision X-Ray Vision]] to inspect packages.XRayVision before being let in my base.



## I will make an exception if said vampires are [[OurVampiresAreDifferent different enough]] that they aren't weak to sunlight, and are powerful enough to be useful. I will, however, make sure that I am aware of the weaknesses that they ''do'' have, and keep the appropriate items on my person at all times. In addition, the vampires will be forbidden to feed on or vampire-ify anyone without permission. There will also be a moratorium on the angsting, as high morale among the troops can work wonders.
### I will also keep in mind the possible benefits of vampire troops, especially if I am able of keeping them under control.
### I will also consider the possibility that I might be turned into a vampire myself as an emergency measure. I will ''carefully'' weigh the benefits according to the [[OurVampiresAreDifferent type of vampires that exist]]. If they [[Literature/{{Twilight}} sparkle]] or die when they go outside, the possibility is out of the question. If they are [[Manga/{{Hellsing}} capable of regenerating from any damage]] or [[Manga/MahouSenseiNegima can one hit KO massive demons without breaking a sweat and mind control anyone they've bitten]] I will consider the idea, especially if I'm on the brink of death anyway.
#### In that last case, it may be wise to immediately kill the vampire that bit me.
## Any vampires that are capable of sparkling will be executed on the spot, lest they fall in love with the hero's love interest.
## Any vampires that are capable of sparkling will be executed on the spot, period. This is, after all, my kingdom, and I hate ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' as much as everyone. After all, EvenEvilHasStandards.
## Any and all vampires capable of wielding [[VideoGame/{{Boktai}} Solar-Powered]] weaponry will be investigated.
### Likewise, all vampire hunters in my empire will be required to take routine physicals in order to prevent them from becoming vampires themselves... unless such a thing is exactly what I need. Likewise, all Werewolf hunters will be given the same requirements. Hunting Vampires or Werewolves without a License will be a crime punished with very hefty fines.
## If one or more of my ''enemies'' are vampires or similar creatures, I will consider novel methods of disposal. Sunlight and silver are fine, but I doubt medieval peasants ever had the chance to test vampiric response to disintegrators.
# My jail cells will be sealed by thick reinforced metal bars, not energy fields that can be deactivated by pulling the plug.
## If I do have access to energy field cells, I'll just make sure they have metal bars as a backup containment method. Energy fields are harder for a hero with SuperStrength, VoluntaryShapeshifting, or [[IntangibleMan other miscellaneous abilities]] to get through.
## My most powerful enemies (the ones immune to bullets, too much PlotArmor to be worth shooting, or the tendency to come back from the dead at the most inopportune times) will have jail cells designed specifically to keep ''them'' imprisoned. BadassNormal? A glass cage in the cold vacuum of space. RealityWarper? An AlternateUniverse where their powers doesn't work. PhysicalGod? Inside a cage designed to suppress their powers inside a sun.
## Okay, forget that "My most powerful enemies". Make that "All my enemies" instead. It's not like I don't [[OffscreenVillainDarkMatter have the resources for it]].
## Before deploying these traps, I will make sure the heroes have not obtained any new powers since I saw them last. If they have, I will redesign the cell to account for the new powers, too.
## If an energy field cell is unavoidable, I shall make it so that the field also keeps them alive, for example by having the field both keep them in and protect them from the death-laser, vacuum or other such source. Except for in the instances where for the heroes DeathIsASlapOnTheWrist.
### If three heroes have been making my life hell at the same time, showing three different personas and sets of powers, I will check the timing exactly to see if its possible for a single organism to have done it all, to prevent any rather [[IAmNotLeftHanded depressing reveals.]]
## Screw it, I will kill all my enemies with the most efficient method possible. Prisoners are for people who need to overcompensate.
# My space stations and [[KillSat orbiting weapons]] will be assembled in space and will not be equipped with heat shields. That way, if the hero attempts a ColonyDrop, the satellite will burn up in the atmosphere long before they hit my base.
## Alternately, they won't carry enough fuel to move out of orbit.

to:

## # I will make an exception if said vampires are [[OurVampiresAreDifferent different enough]] that they aren't weak to sunlight, and are powerful enough to be useful. I will, however, make sure that I am aware of the weaknesses that they ''do'' have, and keep the appropriate items on my person at all times. In addition, the vampires will be forbidden to feed on or vampire-ify anyone without permission. There will also be a moratorium on the angsting, as high morale among the troops can work wonders.
### I will also keep in mind the possible benefits of vampire troops, especially if I am able of keeping them under control.
### I will also consider the possibility that I might be turned into a vampire myself as an emergency measure. I will ''carefully'' weigh the benefits according to the [[OurVampiresAreDifferent type of vampires that exist]]. If they [[Literature/{{Twilight}} sparkle]] or die when they go outside, the possibility is out of the question. If they are [[Manga/{{Hellsing}} capable of regenerating from
execute any damage]] or [[Manga/MahouSenseiNegima can one hit KO massive demons without breaking a sweat and mind control anyone they've bitten]] I will consider the idea, especially if I'm on the brink of death anyway.
#### In that last case, it may be wise to immediately kill the vampire that bit me.
## Any
vampires that are capable of sparkling will be executed on the spot, lest they fall in love with the hero's love interest.
## Any vampires that are capable of sparkling will be executed
on the spot, period. This is, after all, my kingdom, and I hate ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' as much as everyone. After all, EvenEvilHasStandards.
## Any and # I will investigate all vampires capable of wielding [[VideoGame/{{Boktai}} Solar-Powered]] weaponry weaponry.
# I
will be investigated.
### Likewise, all vampire hunters in my empire will be required to take routine physicals in order to prevent them from becoming vampires themselves... unless such a thing is exactly what I need. Likewise, all Werewolf hunters will be given the same requirements. Hunting Vampires or Werewolves without a License will be a crime punished with very hefty fines.
## If
consider novel methods of disposal f one or more of my ''enemies'' are vampires or similar creatures, I will consider novel methods of disposal.creatures, . Sunlight and silver are fine, but I doubt medieval peasants ever had the chance to test vampiric response to disintegrators.
# My jail cells will be sealed by thick reinforced metal bars, not energy fields that can be deactivated by pulling the plug.
##
plug. If I do have access to energy field cells, I'll just make sure they have metal bars as a backup containment method. Energy fields are harder for a hero with SuperStrength, VoluntaryShapeshifting, or [[IntangibleMan other miscellaneous abilities]] to get through.
## My most powerful enemies (the ones immune to bullets, too much PlotArmor to be worth shooting, or the tendency to come back from the dead at the most inopportune times) will have jail cells designed specifically to keep ''them'' imprisoned. BadassNormal? A glass cage in the cold vacuum of space. RealityWarper? An AlternateUniverse where their powers doesn't work. PhysicalGod? Inside a cage designed to suppress their powers inside a sun.
## Okay, forget that "My most powerful enemies". Make that "All my enemies" instead. It's not like I don't [[OffscreenVillainDarkMatter have the resources for it]].
## Before deploying these traps, I will make sure the heroes have not obtained any new powers since I saw them last. If they have, I will redesign the cell to account for the new powers, too.
## If an energy field cell is unavoidable, I shall make it so that the field also keeps them alive, for example by having the field both keep them in and protect them from the death-laser, vacuum or other such source. Except for in the instances where for the heroes DeathIsASlapOnTheWrist.
###
# If three heroes have been making my life hell at the same time, showing three different personas and sets of powers, I will check the timing exactly to see if its possible for a single organism to have done it all, to prevent any rather [[IAmNotLeftHanded depressing reveals.]]
## Screw it, I will kill all my enemies with the most efficient method possible. Prisoners are for people who need to overcompensate.
# My space stations and [[KillSat orbiting weapons]] will be assembled in space and will not be equipped with heat shields. That way, if the hero attempts a ColonyDrop, the satellite will burn up in the atmosphere long before they hit my base.
## Alternately, they won't
base. They will not carry enough fuel to move out of orbit.orbit either.



## I will also mention that the reward will be doubled/tripled for each if each bounty hunter returns alive, and stays alive for a safe period of time to avoid them turning on each other to steal the others' money or because of personal reasons.
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# My [[MadScientist mad scientists]] will be instructed to keep [[NoPlansNoPrototypeNoBackup detailed notes, reports, and day books, which will be regularly backed up]]. Multiple backups will be stored at various locations around my sphere of influence, in every format from dead tree to external hard drives.
## Due to all of the backups making it possibly easier for the plans to be stolen, I will take all necessary precautions to keep them secret; for starters, they won't be left unlocked on a table when no one is around.
### I WILL leave a backup on a table when no one is around. And by "backup" I mean "decoy that will fool the heroes into playing along with my evil plans."
## All backups will be regularly checked by well-paid and loyal security guards, and anyone wishing to transport or utilize them will have to be authorized beforehand. Any instance where the backup has gone missing will be reported immediately. All backups will also be rigged with remotely-detonated bombs which will be immediately triggered if they go missing.
### This bomb will be powerful enough to destroy the backup but not powerful enough to inflict significant damage on the nearby area. Remotely blowing up the heroes might be fun but it's not worth the risk of accidentally blowing up a portion of the fortress because a backup was accidentally misplaced (or hidden in the reactor room by a meddling hero).
## If at all feasible, I will have DoomsdayDevice Version 0.9 started up five minutes after DoomsdayDevice Version 1.0. Because they will be kept in completely different facilities, my evil plans will have a fair chance of success even if the [[BigDamnHeroes heroes]] somehow manage to stop me [[JustInTime at the last second]]. In fact, if I have time, I will make and use Version 1.1 for my main plan and have Version 1.0 as my backup.
# My base of operations will not have a website. The only computers in my base with Internet access will be on a completely separate network to the main ones, and will ''not'' be 'net compatible.
## My mad scientists will also be tasked with creating a completely proprietary OS for the computers, to prevent any on-site hacking. If there will be no way to find finances for such, I will at least use an obscure and archaic OS, preferably not binary compatible.
# Okay, a lot of problems and rules on all of these lists have something to do with mad scientists, so you know what? Before I even begin the very first act toward world conquest/whatever else I may want, if at all possible, or at least if convenient at the time, I will become a mad scientist myself so I don't have to worry about so many damn problems about the freelance variety and their daughters.
## I will make sure I am one of the 1,000 smartest people on the planet before I feel comfortable regularly employing the BatmanGambit in my schemes.
# My [[MechaMooks robots]] will be intelligent enough to point out flaws in my plans, fall back if an operation becomes impossible, and improvise new plans on the fly. Their programming will specifically forbid acting against me, valuing their own lives above the mission, and any [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman philosophical thought]].
## The Three Laws of Evil Robotics:
---> 1) A robot may not injure the Evil Overlord, or through inaction allow the Evil Overlord or his plans to come to harm.
---> 2) A robot must obey orders given to it by the Evil Overlord and his lieutenants, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
---> 3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
### Despite it making them less of an AffectionateParody I will split the first law into two separate laws, I don't want my robots letting me come to harm in order to ensure the success of my plan.
#### [[MyDeathIsJustTheBeginning Sometimes you do.]]
### Then again, if I am forced to choose between losing, say, a finger and letting my plan go to pieces, I will gladly give up the finger, and will program my robots with exceptions to Law 1A accordingly.
### I will place rule 2 above rule 1 to avoid a miracle of science type fail.
## In the event that, as suggested in previous guidelines, I am offered any wishes from a genie or other wish-granting figure, I will, after taking necessary precautions, wish for the First Law of Evil Robotics: "I wish that you may not injure me, the Evil Overlord, or through any inaction allow me or my plans to come to harm." The genie will then be forced to use its significant magical powers to ensure the success of all my evil plans, in accordance with Law 1A.
### However, if the genie is not capable of influencing the world beyond said wishes, that may be a waste of a wish - if you go ahead and use the remaining wishes, said genie will no longer be able to do anything. If you don't use your remaining wishes, then it's slightly better, as the genie could possibly manage to use those to do something to grant your first wish, but it's still iffy since you aren't actually wishing for anything yourself at the time. It all depends on how the limits work, and so you should keep in mind that it is not an infallible defence against plan failure.
### Before making the wish, I will ascertain that the being granting said wish will, indeed, grant the wish as presented. If necessary, I will study law sufficiently to plug any and all loopholes. I will also ensure that wishes have no expiry date.
### How bout this. First wish "I wish there is no more rules forbidding wishing for more wishes". This is not technically outside the rules of the wishes (if we go by the standard ruleset anyway). Then your follow up wish is for infinite wishes. One handly loop hole later, success and profit will follow. While this may make being an evil scheming bastard less fun, you can save these extra wishes for special occasions if you so fancy.
#### No, instead, "I wish for the power to grant my own wishes, with every wish I make following the spirit of the wish as I intend it at the time I make the wish, including this wish."
###If that's not possible, just wish for more Djinn.
#### If even that isn't possible, just wish for more gin.
# I will always send my AmazonBrigade to [[WouldntHitAGirl defeat male enemies]].
## But I will make sure they are HappilyMarried, [[AllAmazonsWantHercules to ensure they won't fall in love with them in the case they are defeated by them.]]
# All shipments will be blasted with gamma rays immediately upon entering my base.
## Unless gamma rays actually [[ComicBook/IncredibleHulk activate the hero's powers somehow]].
### If such is the case, I'll simply put a bullet or 10 in it. That way, I'll still kill the hero without making my supplies unusable.
#### Instead of putting bullets inside valuable equipment I'll just hire someone with [[XRayVision X-Ray Vision]] to inspect packages.
# Vampires will not be placed in positions of power. I can do quite well without all that {{Wangst}}, thank you very much. Also, minions who die if they go outside during the day are pretty useless.
## I will make an exception if said vampires are [[OurVampiresAreDifferent different enough]] that they aren't weak to sunlight, and are powerful enough to be useful. I will, however, make sure that I am aware of the weaknesses that they ''do'' have, and keep the appropriate items on my person at all times. In addition, the vampires will be forbidden to feed on or vampire-ify anyone without permission. There will also be a moratorium on the angsting, as high morale among the troops can work wonders.
### I will also keep in mind the possible benefits of vampire troops, especially if I am able of keeping them under control.
### I will also consider the possibility that I might be turned into a vampire myself as an emergency measure. I will ''carefully'' weigh the benefits according to the [[OurVampiresAreDifferent type of vampires that exist]]. If they [[Literature/{{Twilight}} sparkle]] or die when they go outside, the possibility is out of the question. If they are [[Manga/{{Hellsing}} capable of regenerating from any damage]] or [[Manga/MahouSenseiNegima can one hit KO massive demons without breaking a sweat and mind control anyone they've bitten]] I will consider the idea, especially if I'm on the brink of death anyway.
#### In that last case, it may be wise to immediately kill the vampire that bit me.
## Any vampires that are capable of sparkling will be executed on the spot, lest they fall in love with the hero's love interest.
## Any vampires that are capable of sparkling will be executed on the spot, period. This is, after all, my kingdom, and I hate ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' as much as everyone. After all, EvenEvilHasStandards.
## Any and all vampires capable of wielding [[VideoGame/{{Boktai}} Solar-Powered]] weaponry will be investigated.
### Likewise, all vampire hunters in my empire will be required to take routine physicals in order to prevent them from becoming vampires themselves... unless such a thing is exactly what I need. Likewise, all Werewolf hunters will be given the same requirements. Hunting Vampires or Werewolves without a License will be a crime punished with very hefty fines.
## If one or more of my ''enemies'' are vampires or similar creatures, I will consider novel methods of disposal. Sunlight and silver are fine, but I doubt medieval peasants ever had the chance to test vampiric response to disintegrators.
# My jail cells will be sealed by thick reinforced metal bars, not energy fields that can be deactivated by pulling the plug.
## If I do have access to energy field cells, I'll just make sure they have metal bars as a backup containment method. Energy fields are harder for a hero with SuperStrength, VoluntaryShapeshifting, or [[IntangibleMan other miscellaneous abilities]] to get through.
## My most powerful enemies (the ones immune to bullets, too much PlotArmor to be worth shooting, or the tendency to come back from the dead at the most inopportune times) will have jail cells designed specifically to keep ''them'' imprisoned. BadassNormal? A glass cage in the cold vacuum of space. RealityWarper? An AlternateUniverse where their powers doesn't work. PhysicalGod? Inside a cage designed to suppress their powers inside a sun.
## Okay, forget that "My most powerful enemies". Make that "All my enemies" instead. It's not like I don't [[OffscreenVillainDarkMatter have the resources for it]].
## Before deploying these traps, I will make sure the heroes have not obtained any new powers since I saw them last. If they have, I will redesign the cell to account for the new powers, too.
## If an energy field cell is unavoidable, I shall make it so that the field also keeps them alive, for example by having the field both keep them in and protect them from the death-laser, vacuum or other such source. Except for in the instances where for the heroes DeathIsASlapOnTheWrist.
### If three heroes have been making my life hell at the same time, showing three different personas and sets of powers, I will check the timing exactly to see if its possible for a single organism to have done it all, to prevent any rather [[IAmNotLeftHanded depressing reveals.]]
## Screw it, I will kill all my enemies with the most efficient method possible. Prisoners are for people who need to overcompensate.
# My space stations and [[KillSat orbiting weapons]] will be assembled in space and will not be equipped with heat shields. That way, if the hero attempts a ColonyDrop, the satellite will burn up in the atmosphere long before they hit my base.
## Alternately, they won't carry enough fuel to move out of orbit.
# If I send multiple bounty hunters after the hero, I will not make them compete with each other. Instead, I will offer to pay them each the full value of the bounty if they bring the target in together.
## I will also mention that the reward will be doubled/tripled for each if each bounty hunter returns alive, and stays alive for a safe period of time to avoid them turning on each other to steal the others' money or because of personal reasons.
# I will [[TheChessmaster study chess]]. I will get good at it.
## To be on the safe side, I will also have at least a working knowledge of [[ChessWithDeath Twister, Battleship, Yahtzee and other contemporary games]].
### I will also require all of my mad scientists and their direct underlings to do the same - if I happen to employ Souichi Tomoe, I will specifically require Twister.
#### I will keep a close eye on all of them, to make sure they don't turn on me with the mad board game skillz I taught them.
## I will remember that in a pinch a game of chess can be won by [[CuttingTheKnot using the board to knock your opponent unconscious]]. I will apply that principle to my strategy when appropriate.
# I will use lie detectors during interrogation.
## But only if I have access to magical and/or futuristic {{lie detector}}s that ''actually work''. There's a reason why polygraph readings aren't admissible in court.
## In addition, if any minions start to show [[JackBauerInterrogationTechnique Bauer-esque]] tendencies, I will demote them and replace them with ''actual'' intelligence operatives.
### Skip the demote part. If I have a Jack Bauer, he's going to be the leader of my QuirkyMinibossSquad. Who knows, maybe they'll finally accomplish something.
# I will not [[LoadBearingBoss set my base to self-destruct upon my defeat]]; such sites are notoriously difficult and expensive to locate and build, and it's easier to just take it over again should it be captured, besides. I ''will'', however, set all my equipment to [[ExplosiveOverclocking short out]] and set controllable fires to destroy any projects I am currently working on, to make sure my enemies don't get their hands on them after forcing me out of my lair.
## I will also make sure that all data and backups for any plans in the works are saved in other locations, so I won't [[NoPlansNoPrototypeNoBackup have to start from scratch with each defeat]].
### Even better, if I happen to escape the base before the heroes got out, all equipments will be short out, ''and'' the base will be sealed and all the air sucked out. Let's see the look on heroes' face when they suffer hypoxia and all symptoms associated with exposure to vacuum. Plus, they are likely to die. If not, then they can't use my equipments, and the base will be kept clean because of vacuum.
# If I develop a seemingly flawless plan, only for it to be foiled by the hero at the last second through a million-to-one stroke of luck, I will immediately start work on reusing the same plan. The odds of that trick working twice are a trillion to one.
## [[CoughSnarkCough ''cough'']] [[MillionToOneChance statistics]] [[CoughSnarkCough ''cough'']]
## However I will change the circumstances ''ever so slightly'' so that it is a Million and One To One Chance and thus unlikely.
## Gambler's Fallacy; messing it up again is still a million to one even if they already did it once.
### I will have a secondary plan in the works regardless of whether or not the original plan was foiled.
## If there is one thing I've learned in this line of work, it's that a ''MillionToOneChance'' happens nine out of ten times.
### Therefore, I will do it ten times.
## I will keep in mind that there are heroes who can succeed even if the chance of victory is Zero Percent. Before going forward with my MillionToOneChance plan, these heroes will be eliminated by a series of challenges that were carefully designed to not have any Third Options. None of these will be slow moving death traps. All will be a SadisticChoice scenario. If the hero says "take me, let them go" I will cheerfully agree. Then kill the others after the hero is verified as deceased.
### I will also attempt to take out the heroes with a team of snipers as they approach the chain of challenges.
### My plan will happen during or before the heroes initiate the first challenge.
# If I have the ability to teleport anywhere, at will, I will wait until the hero is asleep, and then teleport to right beside him and kill him. I will not think that [[NoSneakAttacks this is dishonorable]]. I'm evil, for pete's sake, why on earth would ''I'' care about honor?
## Naturally, I will screen the place first by whatever means available so that I know what I'm stepping into. If appropriate, I will also cast/have underlings cast on me any and all buff spells that could possibly be of help.
## My lair in turn will be warded against both screening and teleport, so that munchkins cannot turn my own tactics against me. If possible, the screening ward will project realistic but entirely false images to distant observers and the teleport ward will dispel the buffs on all intruders before shunting them into a suitable death trap.
### If I really do care that much about honor, I will wait for him to wake up, and when he sees me, I'll kill him then.
#### Scratch that. People tend to wake up when they have a knife in their chest. He can see me then.
## Wait... if I am so evil, why am I using the expression "[[{{Bowdlerise}} for pete's sake]]"? What a [[HypocriticalHumor wussy]] villain I must be...
### Invoking the Almighty Overlord Peter, perhaps?
## Scratch the warding of my fortress against teleportation - I will make it so that the only way in is teleportation. I will also make sure that all teleportation in is re-routed to the most heavily guarded and inconvenient location for the heroes, while all teleportation out is re-routed to inside of the reactor core or the furnace or incinerator or something. While I'm at it, I'll make sure that this a flying fortress with an escape hatch very close to the most heavily guarded location. And that I at least know how to fly in the event that I need to escape.
# If I capture two of the hero's closest companions and [[SadisticChoice force him to choose which one to save]], I will not actually show him his two companions. Instead, I will disguise two of my henchmen as the hero's choices, so that when he inevitably [[TakeAThirdOption saves them both]], he'll be killed by the two henchmen he just "saved".
## I'll make sure both of them are watching from a safe distance in case he only saves ''one'' of the impostors.
## If he doesn't save ''either'' of them, I'll get an explanation out of him. Heroes [[LuckilyMyPowersWillProtectMe have the same urge to explain how they do what they do for no good reason]] that we do, so while he's yapping, I'll just kill him.
## If the hero is perceptive enough to see through such an obvious ploy, I ''will'' use the real deal as hostages, however I will make sure to use ''two'' deathtraps on each; one to kill the victim (which I will announce to the hero), and one to kill the hero once he ''saves'' the victim [[UnspokenPlanGuarantee (which will NOT be hinted at).]]
### Too late. You just did.
## Wait, scratch all that. I will NOT EVER do this. I will, instead, simply kill both the companions outright. If it's at all possible to send the hero into a HeroicBSOD, I will make their deaths as brutal as it takes to do so, and let the hero find out. If not, I will constantly dangle the hope that their companions are alive and well somewhere and just waiting to be rescued by the hero.
### I will not, however, kill them myself or ever allow the hero to find out about them while I'm anywhere in a 100-mile radius from the hero; I'll use a remote-controlled robot duplicate. The inevitable UnstoppableRage could be very hazardous to my health. And if the hero's [[DragonBallZ legendary power upgrade can be triggered by the death of a loved one]] then this is ''straight out.''
### I will NEVER kill the hero's companions unless they are at least as dangerous as the hero. Instead, I will attempt to persuade them that I am actually misunderstood instead of evil, then cheerfully release them, assuming we're not on the eve of activating my evil plan. The hero is far less likely to kill me if I PetTheDog often. It's not like a prison will ever actually hold me, even if I am overthrown. Even if the plan fails, survival means I can try again.
# If I employ a team of {{Muggle}} laborers to build some device that, unbeknownst to them, is crucial to my plans, I will have a reasonable idea of how fast I can expect them to work. If the foreman tells me it is impossible to finish within the specified time frame, I will listen and adjust my plans accordingly. Having him killed will not make the work go any faster, and suspicious deaths will only attract the heroes to come investigate.
# A hero entered the realm bitter and alone. He met a love interest. She's beautiful. She's smart. She becomes his everything. She is his reason to fight you. If I ever capture both, for fucks sake, DO NOT TOUCH HER IN FRONT OF THE HERO! Cuckolding a hero never works, and only has one possible [[UnstoppableRage outcome]]. Love, jealousy, revenge, and hatred make a very explosive mix.
## On second thought, just keep them apart. There's a [[BattleCouple good]] [[MamaBear chance]] that touching ''him'' in front of ''her'' would be just as suicidal.
## I will make polite attempts to woo her, on the off chance that it works. If I am in a position where I can put most of my evil-doings off on my underlings or a super-powered evil side, I'll even help her escape. Again, survival is the ultimate goal, and she's probably the only one who's able to stop his UnstoppableRage.
# When taking over the world I will leave it to [[OmnidisciplinaryScientist licensed professionals]] when using a [[WaveMotionGun Laser of Death, Doom, and Destruction]]. There are good reasons why I hired all those scientists to build my [[{{BFG}} big]], [[WeaponOfMassDestruction dangerous]], and [[ItRunsOnNonsensoleum complex]] weapon. Mostly because it is big, it is dangerous, and it is complex.
## As usual, I will make sure that they are all always immune to insanity and betrayal.
# If the heroes have the power to [[ResetButton undo some of my plans]], I will just do them over and over again. It will keep them busy, and it will be a nice way to pass the time.
# If the hero [[LastSecondChance begs me to stop my]] EvilPlan before it's too late, then I will listen to him and seriously consider the merits of his offer. Sure, [[TakeOverTheWorld Taking Over The World]] would be nice, but he might know something I don't.
# I will not make a DealWithTheDevil. Ever. If I ever am in the position where {{Satan}} approaches me with an offer I think sounds good, then I will carefully review the [[GambitRoulette chain of events which led me to that situation]].
## If I ''am'' the Devil or otherwise a mystical creature who likes screwing people over with deals, I'll let someone insignificant "win" once in a blue moon. Maybe I'll pretend to lose, or maybe it'll just be a straight out "honest" exchange. Then I'll make certain that word of this incident gets out. Why? Because it works for casinos and lotteries. Far more souls will be willing to risk it than if ''every'' deal I ever make goes sour.
### As an added bonus, it will drive the Forces of Light crazy trying to find the "catch."
#### I will not, however, use a roulette wheel for such purposes, as that can become rather... circuitous... in the long run.
# I will make sure that I'm DangerouslyGenreSavvy. Though if I'm reading or using this list, I already am.
## In addition, I will make sure that I don't take everything at face value, but actually ''think'' about this list and how it applies. Some of the things on here are not genre savvy, but I am genre savvy enough to catch them.
## I will also watch for it in my minions. The ones who aren't are more likely to be incompetent, but the ones who are, are most likely looking to take my place.
# If I am immortal, then I have absolutely no excuse for ''not'' learning martial arts and [[SwordFight sword fighting]].
## I should learn them anyway.
## I should probably make sure I know how to [[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy properly aim a gun]] while I'm at it.
## All minions will be taught how to deal with [[BareFistedMonk Bare Fisted Monks]] with reliance on Kung Fu, Karate, or similar. A good ol' fashioned grab-and-slam is unusually effective against them.
### Bullets work too. Unless the target has the proven ability to [[DodgeTheBullet dodge]] or [[BulletCatch catch]] them.
### Flamethrowers also seem effective against Karate and the flame can't be caught or dodged.
#### I will be wary of monks that can catch fire.
# I will not maintain MedievalStasis when I come to power; I will encourage the [[DungeonPunk march forward with technology]].
## I will research PsychicPowers, FunctionalMagic, and KiAttacks to surprise any heroes with. Let's see them cope with an unexpected GenreShift from [[HighSchool High School Drama]] to DungeonPunk!
# I will not wield any gun or sword in any combination as my primary weapon. My primary weapon will always be land mines. The gun/sword is a backup.
## If land mines are not available, I will either invent them or find a substitute.
## Tac Nukes are not a substitute. At least, not for personal combat.
## If I'm ever in personal combat, running away and leaving things to various minions is probably the best tactic of all.
## Should this fail, I will have a team of snipers ready to fire.
# As cool as it might seem to have the power to fly or shoot energy blasts out of my hand, given a choice, I will always spring for one or more of the following: immortality, invulnerability, regeneration, precognition, clairvoyance, or supergenius-level intelligence. If I'm really that concerned about it, I'll just use my superhuman intellect to build a jetpack and an energy rifle.
## Similarly, if [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgment_of_Paris three goddesses want me to pick which one of them is the most beautiful]], each one trying to bribe me with her personal blessing, one offering to make me a great King, the second offering me the love of the most beautiful woman in the world and the third offering me great wisdom and skill in war, then I'll choose great wisdom and skill in war. That way I can carve out my own kingdom and if I still want the most beautiful woman in the world, then I can just conquer the place she lives in and ask her to marry me. [[MostWritersAreMale All chicks dig power and wealth, right]]?
### Wrong. I will be GenreSavvy enough to follow Wiki Links and know that this choice is SchmuckBait. I will [[TakeAThirdOption redirect said goddesses]] to TheHero, who can spend his time [[GodIsEvil enduring the scorn]] of the other two goddesses who were [[WomanScorned spurned by his decision]]. If he manages to [[TakeAThirdOption score all three gifts]], my status as the CosmicPlaything will be assured and I will retire, knowing that FailureIsTheOnlyOption.
# I will not leave clues for the hero that will eventually lead to my demise. If I do, I will make sure they are false clues, to throw the hero off my trail.
## In case the hero is not fooled, said false clues will ''not'' be the exact opposite of what I want the hero to do, rather than that they will be on two ends of a spectrum of choices which will favour me and have as little as possible to do with anything that could favour the hero (although not so little as to indicate what this is by its absence).
# As an alternative measure for [[EvilOverlordList rule 88]], I ''will'' send the same group that failed me again and again. Since they didn't die the first time, I'd rather have those incompetent fools suffer TheWorfEffect instead of my competent underlings.
## However, I will also take the utmost care to both make sure that this group does not turn traitor, as well as sending at least one covert ops squad to perform recon in tandem with the perpetually-failing group and discover why this group continues to fail.
### And upon discovery of this reason, will think up a plan to help my non-traitorous, perpetually-failing group to finally succeed, thus giving them a fair chance to redeem themselves. Who knows; it might not have been their fault they failed in the first place. Why do I care? To prevent my other minions wanting revenge for their killed-by-me friend(s)/family member(s) to leave me and help the hero.
## Wily old mentors are WalkingTheEarth everywhere these days. I will secure the services of some of the more morally ambiguous ones, so that my henchmen can endure TrainingFromHell and TakeALevelInBadass. It works for the heroes all the time, so why not try it out? These minions are obviously very loyal to me, as they went out and suffered a humiliating loss at the hands of the heroes. And withstood the hero's friendship speeches, and attempts to turn them from my service. You can't teach that kind of loyalty, but you CAN teach someone how to murder their enemies with a triple flip kick.
# I will not [[BrainwashedAndCrazy brainwash any captured heroes into turning on their friends]], [[HeroicWillpower they'll always break free in time to stop me]]. If I can catch any of them, I'm just going to [[JustShootHim shoot the guy]] and be content with one hero killed.
## [[TakeAThirdOption Alternately]], I will create a moral dilemma for the heroes by actually treating my captive well. Especially if I don't know how the hero would react to the death. No need to provide a trigger for the hero's UnstoppableRage, and better to provide a way to nullify it. This goes double if the person I captured is also a LoveInterest.
# Should my enemies live in an area I want to take over, I will take over EVERY AREA the heroes do NOT live in, then take over the area they do live in.
## I will remember that this strategy will not work in the event that this promotes the inhabitants of that area to become [[LastOfHisKind the last of their kind]]. Or if they are [[ComicBook/{{Asterix}} French]].
# I will subtly encourage my evil rivals to avail themselves of [[EvilOverlordList Rule 64]]. After all, a good psychiatrist will refuse to treat them, and if they go to an evil psychiatrist, they have handed a convenient master list of all their weaknesses and phobias to someone who will sell it to the highest bidder. As a corollary, I will bid high (keeping in mind the possibility that the evil psychiatrist may be planning a double-cross).
# If I hear about a prophecy or prophecies that state that a child will be born in a certain place with a birthmark or some other sign who will bring about my downfall, I will not immediately send troops to kill the child and its entire family. Instead, I will wait until the child is about five, while keeping it under surveillance, and then have it kidnapped and killed. Once this is done, I will bury the body in a careful location so the body does not get eaten by wild beasts, resurrected by the good guys or wash up on some foreign shore. And for everyone's sake, I will make sure that the child is actually dead, instead if just stabbing it once or suffocating it. Bullets are very helpful, especially fifty-fold.
## Then again, since even at that age, it's a risk, I will instead do what I can to make sure the child has a content and happy life. If this child grows up to be a hero anyway, I'll make sure I've already followed the rules about good PR among the populace, so that the hero has less reason to think I need to be overthrown. If ''that'' doesn't work, I'll realize I'm in a YouCantFightFate story.
## In fact, if I hear about a prophecy at all, I will have my scholars study it and present me with the information. Then I will make sure that I do not do anything the prophecy says I will.
## Since the attempt to avoid the prophecy is what usually sets off the chain of events to its fulfillment, all prophecies will be ignored.
## In contradiction to the above, if and only if I am a VillainWithGoodPublicity, I will personally take said prophecy child under my wing and teach him how to rule an empire while not appearing evil. In the event that the child does decide to carry out the prophecy, I will turn to the heroes and ask them to help me with my child.
### And if he out-backstabs his old man, at least I'll die a proud father.
## Should I still make such an attempt, it will consist of immediately destroying said place and placing guards to ensure that nobody is ever born there. The guards will all be eunuchs.
## Even if I'm to lazy to care about all of the above: when the prophecy tells he's the one who can defeat me, [[Literature/HarryPotter I will NOT try to kill the child by myself]]. He's just a child, so if I send troop to do the job, they will never accuse me of being frightened.
# If some extremely important and powerful foreigners come into my land/s, I will not threaten to take them hostage in my capital while I find and kill the person they were after, ZAKATH. Especially if the person they were after is my enemy too. Instead, I will give them help with their quest, and ship them out of my lands ASAP. After all, "power" is only good when I have it.
## I will, however, send a squad of minions with them, so they can't just [[Literature/TheBible leave the country without telling me where they found said person]].
# If I am aspiring to take over the world, or at least the known world, and I am informed that there is/are a person/s that can stop me if I do so, I will not kill the person who told me this and send out my entire force to kill the person/s. Instead, I will make sure that they cannot know about my plans and/or conquests until it is too late to stop me.
# I will have a staff of public servants who will behave as ''servants'' of the people; that is, be friendly and helpful. Also encourage idealistic people to work with the disadvantaged. Let them be known and liked among the population, so that they can hear any bit of gossip and learn ASAP whenever something unusual is happening. I would also encourage people talking in taverns and public places on all possible subjects, in front of public servants. This would save millions in local espionage salaries (and people engaged in such internal espionage tend to have an intimidated appearance which encourages people to shut up instead of babbling - which is what I want them to do). (This by the way is how all the German spies who parachuted in Ireland were caught within hours. Anyone who saw a stranger would mention it in the pub where the local cop was having a beer, so the authorities found out without having to pay any extra money - the cop paid for his own beer).
# If I can't replicate it, I can't fix it. If I can't fix it, I can't control it. If I can't control it, ''I will not use it.''
## This includes my own children and grandchildren, to a certain extent.
# When designing my fortress/fort/castle, I will not choose a Gothic design on a mountaintop in brooding, dark stone with too many towers and the occasional eagle. And it won't be surrounded by lava. Instead, I will design it somewhat in the manner of Castle Floret: on a raised hill surrounded by a moat, with a big heavy drawbridge. Also, the castle will be designed for height rather than length, and I will place the prison/gaol/dungeons right at the top.
## I will always make sure that any door that needs to remain locked will have at least three locks, which cannot be picked. Also, the hinges will be placed on the outside, NOT the inside.
### In fact, before throwing anyone into my dungeons/gaol/prison, I will have them stripped and searched, and put into the minimum amount of clothing it will take to keep them warm. The cloth will not be durable or strong, so they can't use it for a rope. Even if they are very old/venerable/respected, I will not leave any personal effects, especially not medals. Also, window bars will be hammered onto the outside, not the inside.
#### What are these "windows" that everyone keeps referring to? A good, solid, deep-underground dungeon is much more effective. Especially if you have a lead- and kryptonite- lined one.
# If any of my towns/cities/forts, etc are to be outfitted for defense against armies, including big heavy walls, I will have them buttressed from both the outside and the inside, in order to prevent an inside job.
# I will not sexually harass the princess I've captured. When I am inevitably caught red handed by the hero, he'll just be that more pissed off because he hasn't got that far with her.
# When engaging in warfare with whatever army the hero has assembled, I will ''not'' attack his army directly, even when my army outnumbers his [[MillionToOneChance a million to one]]. It will almost always be defeated through luck, tactical brilliance on the hero's end, or incompetence in my own minions. Instead, I will target his ammunition dumps, food stores, fuel reserves, and medical supplies. Without these, he can't raise an army to fight me in the first place. Remember, amateurs study tactics; ''professionals'' study logistics.
## ... and winners study finance. I will thus, if given any opportunity to, find out how the hero and/or his allies intend to pay for their war material in the first place, and utilize whatever options I have to confiscate, nationalize, tax, execute leveraged buyouts upon, or otherwise economically ruin their financial situations to prevent them from building up any ammunition dumps, food stores, etc., in the first place. Plus, if I do it right, there'll be more ill-gotten gains for me.
### In the event that the hero intends to support his logistical efforts by stealing from ''my'' stockpiles, I should give him every opportunity to do so. The part where I make sure what he's stealing from me is as laden with as many tracking devices, poisons, creative yet subtle malfunctions, and/or hidden tactical nuclear warheads on a timer as I can arrange for doesn't even need to be mentioned, does it?
## As an addendum, if I ''must'' fight the hero, I will use as small and economical a force as I can reasonably field, even if I could deploy vastly larger numbers of troops. This force will be led by my most [[MisaimedFandom well-liked]] minion(s). If my troops are outgunned, they garner sympathy and avoid [[ConservationOfNinjitsu being weakened by being part of a much larger force.]] Plus, it costs less.
## I will, however, make sure I am not in a setting where [[EasyLogistics brain-dead monkeys can handle the logistics]].
# If I am a troper for this wiki, I will not take Administrivia/ThereIsNoSuchThingAsNotability for granted. Sure, the hero may never find a use for my fears and turn-ons, but why take that chance?
# If I am in charge of a nation/empire that shares its continent with many others, and I go to war with some of them, and I am the Overlord of my few countries, I will never, ever regard another nation as "useless" simply because they have no real army. Chances are, they're renowned for poisoning and assassins, and you can kill an enemy just as easily by poisoning him as you can by actual conflict.
# If I hear about any form of magical fruit/s that can give the eater a special power, I will not:
## A, immediately amass a list of all the people who had eaten the fruits and have them all killed,
## B, gather all the fruits and have them destroyed, or
## C, all of the above. Instead, I will amass a list of these people, and gather some (SOME, not ALL) of the fruits. I will eat a fruit myself and then give the others to those of my staff who need special powers, like trusted lieutenants or brilliant generals. Then, I will instruct my staff to offer employment to each of the people who had eaten a fruit in the field that they desire to work in, with a lot more equipment.
### Before doing so, I will make sure there aren't [[AchillesHeel any]] [[BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor nasty]] [[ThisIsYourBrainOnEvil side]] [[WithGreatPowerComesGreatInsanity effects]].
### I will also make sure that, if there are such side effects, that I will never be in a position for them to be exploited. I will also make sure that I myself am not affected by such side effects, but what better use is misdirection than as a weapon?
# If the main race of my countries/empire/nation has a very big personality flaw, such as greed or anger, I will attempt to get rid of this flaw. Personality flaws destroy nations, as the Marags found out.
# Amateurs MUST BE KEPT AWAY FROM VOLATILE SUBSTANCES. Only skilled and experienced arsonists or explosive experts will be allowed to blow anything up, and that only if they work for me.
## As well as that, I will never keep all of my explosives in one room. That has some baaaaaaaad results.
# My execution chamber will contain a variety of complex Rube Goldberg Death Traps, with a substantial time delay from the moment the switch is thrown until the eventual horrible death, from which a victim of sufficient ingenuity might conceivably escape. Needless to say, these will never be used on any prisoner I seriously want dead; those get a single pistol-bullet to the brain. The Rube Goldberg devices will be used on condemned-but-unimportant criminals on my realm-wide reality TV show, ''Who Wants to Live?'' It's always a good idea to give your subjects BreadAndCircuses. Surviving contestants will be offered recruitment in the Assassination Regiment of my Legions of Terror, or a single pistol-bullet to the brain.
# Honor is worth its weight in gold. A ''reputation'' for honor, on the other hand, might have some practical value. Therefore, I will never make a promise I might find it inconvenient to keep, except when breaking it is certain to result in the immediate death of all persons other than myself who know it was made.
# I will take acting lessons until I can perfect the role of a fawning, cringing, servile toady. My trusted lieutenant will be trained to strut around in black robes intoning things like "Seize them!" and "Evil will triumph!" in a booming, sepulchral voice. Thus if the hero is ever brought into my presence, my lieutenant and I will switch roles, just in case the hero has something up his sleeve despite being naked and shackled (they always do, you know). This will allow me to remain in the room and keep an eye on the situation while my lieutenant becomes the target of any possible attack. My lieutenant, just to keep him from getting above himself at that moment, will have a minibomb inserted into his heart, to which I will have the detonator in my pocket.
# My Legions of Terror will not march back and forth in front of my Fortress of Evil carrying long spears and wearing flashy, terrifying uniforms. That role will be filled by expendable security guards (or even more expendable actors) hired from a private agency. My Legions of Terror will wear practical camouflage fatigues and be trained to lurk out of sight until needed.
# If a incompetent subordinate fails me, I will not execute him; that would give his friends and relations a grudge to nurse. Instead I will [[KickedUpstairs transfer him to some functionary position with no important responsibilities and no prospect of advancement]]. He will still be of some use to me but his incompetence will no longer be any major hindrance to my schemes, and everyone will praise my mercy.
# I will not try to discipline my beautiful daughter to rein in her dangerous carnal appetites. To the contrary, I will raise her to use and discard men like this week's hot fashion. That way, if she falls in love with the hero . . . well, that's what ''he'' thinks!
## Which will end with her discovering true love with the hero and joining his quest to conquer you. Expect her to die dramatically later on as her continued existence would interfere with the hero getting it on with the flower girl childhood friend.
## Screw it, I will either not have children, or, failing that, raise them to have healthy but accurate attitudes about sex, and have them understand that relationships are based on mutual trust and respect, not some AccidentalPervert bursting into their personal Hot Springs.
### As a corollary to this, my daughter will instinctively go for the mace in these situations, rather than the MegatonPunch. It's hard for anyone to be dashing when they're clawing at their eyes.
#### I will develop a spell called Acid Spray. Only my spouse(s) and children are permitted to know it. Anyone who is not my child and knows it is to be adopted into my family immediately.
#### And if they don't want to join? If I force them, they'll betray me. If I kill them, that's bad for PR. Better just go with the mace.
# I will never employ any DoomsdayDevice that is so destructive it would leave me with no world or subjects to rule over. I mean, if the world leaders can't or won't come up with the ransom, what options does that leave you?
# If I discover that the hero has an OrphansPlotTrinket in his possession, I will not show up at his door dressed in [[SpikesOfVillainy spiky armor]] with a gang of mooks and demand he give me the WhiteMagicianGirl's necklace. Not only will he wipe out my squad, but now he knows that the trinket is important and will go to great lengths to figure out my plan and keep it away from me. Instead, I will disguise myself as a merchant, and when he stops at my store to pick up the latest weapon, I will offer to buy it from him for an exorbitant amount of money, or perhaps trade it for a component of the InfinityPlusOneSword. Not only will it allay any suspicion, but if I get the necklace or whatever at the beginning of the quest, my plans will be complete before the good guys have any idea what happened. Besides, you can't get the InfinityPlusOneSword until the very end anyway, and he won't make it that far.
## Beforehand, I will hire a friendly pickpocket to steal it. If he is caught by the hero and becomes his sidekick, he will be my mole. I will have already implanted a bomb in his brain without his knowledge so I can kill him at the time of his inevitable HeelFaceTurn.
## Naturally, any weapons I sell him during the transaction will be faulty. They will also be coated with poison, but only on the handle.
## Depending on the laws of the universe, curse items can be an amusing (and effective) thing to sell to the hero. Just be careful when handling the merchandise.
## If I do trade the OrphansPlotTrinket for a component of the InfinityPlusOneSword, I will not give the hero the ''real'' component. A fake will suffice in this case. I will, however, ensure that all [[GuideDangIt strategy guides]] written claim that the component I provide is, indeed, the real one. Additionally, the actual stats of the InfinityPlusOneSword will be drastically overestimated in the guides, increasing the hero's desire to obtain it. This may possibly result in a HeroicBSOD once the hero spends thirty hours collecting [[RandomlyDrops randomly dropped]] components, and at last has all the others, but cannot create the sword due to the fake.
### If possible, I will obtain all the components of the InfinityPlusOneSword myself. I will then hide them in different areas around the world - none of these will actually be feasibly ''accessible'', however: for example, one component may be buried several hundred metres below the ocean floor in a randomly selected area of the sea. At least one component will be stored on my person at all times, however. The strategy guides will claim that the components are in entirely different locations, also quite hard to access. Needless to say, the guides will only be revealing the locations of fakes. By the time the hero's collected them all, I'll have put my final plans into action.
### Even better, if I can obtain all the components myself, I will make the sword and use it to fight the hero. I will keep it on my person at all times. The only way anyone else can possibly get it will be to kill me, which they will not be able to do because I have the most powerful weapon in existence. I will also look for any available Infinity Plus One Armor and accessories.
### I will find any available GameBreaker and use it as much as possible. Especially instant-kill type things.
### However, keeping it on my person at all times gives heroes a better reason to kill me: I drop the best weapons in the game. Maybe I should keep them in a safe when not in use.
# I will find the BonusBoss, and do anything in my power to get it on my side. Even if the hero manages to defeat it, he'll be so weak afterward, that I can kill him without any trouble.
## Only if I decide to attack at the same time. Like hell I'm gonna become the second member of a Sequential Boss Fight, or - me forbid - give them time to rest. If the boss and I cannot battle the heroes at the same time, I'll just hide one of the aforementioned fake InfinityPlusOneSword parts with the Bonus Boss and request that he advertise that he has an important artifact capable of destroying my plans.
# I will never keep the final room where I reside, with my hostage/artifact, (or if the room is my last escape point) guarded by a a line of bosses ending in one big, almost undefeatable one. Chances are that it will be defeated, and if I have no other security, I'm stuffed.
## Instead, I will have it guarded by [[DeathCourse a very long hallway full of nothing but turret guns]]. The bosses will all be with me in the final room. They will all jump the hero as soon as he walks through the door. At once.
### While I run away. Or disguise myself as a previously-unknown-but-obviously-innocent hostage.
# I will create agencies staffed by experts and competent leaders to deal with any and all natural disasters, even if the chance of it occurring is less than one percent. I will supply these agencies with twice the funding and manpower they claim to require. They will be ready to act at a moment's notice and have outposts loaded with supplies at all towns and cities of significant size and will regularly practice drills with the public of what to do in the event of a disaster. It will do me no good to crush my enemies if a freak act of nature brings my empire to its knees.
# Very often, the ChosenOne has mentors who are...let's be charitable and call them dicks. They'll use their OmniscientMoralityLicense to put the hero through hell, make them have to make hard choices whether to defend the world or their families, and generally not be very truthful when it comes down with it. Should my spies report this is the case, I will pay for the hero's little brother's education, and keep his grandparents fed and healthy, and give his IllGirl sister her operation. And there won't be any of those "mwahaha, but you have to do something evil first" deals. No, this will be be done with a smile.
## Why? Because on that day, that day of destiny where he faces me down at my throne room; he will remember my kindness to him, and hesitate; and maybe even offer for me to join the Light Side. And I'll give a warm smile, verify he doesn't have any shield or illusion abilities, and shoot him full of lead, with 20 snipers in the rafters backing me up.
### Or better yet I will frame the mentor as the bad guy, offering said mentor's TrainingFromHell as proof of Evil and depending on the circumstances use the inevitable HeroicBSOD to either kill him while defenceless or get him to work for me.
## If the hero doesn't have a mentor that puts him through a TrainingFromHell yet, I'll pay a hefty sum to a wise-looking jerk-ass (preferable some who has some real skill) to pose as a powerful old Kung-fu or magic master who dislikes me. When the hero comes by, he must show off his power, and eventually, reluctantly, offer him training. He will then send the hero into deathtraps. If the hero survives, he'll be told "Well done, you completed the first step of your training. Now for the next 27". If the hero is in any way GenreSavvy, he'll think it normal and thank the jerk-ass for it. I will supply the deathtraps, making sure they are in no way related to the deathtraps that I actually use for my own security, and I will monitor what exactly the hero learns in case he keeps surviving.
### One better. I will make sure that the martial art he is taught will be one that is useless against my own brand of martial arts. Assuming that I have a use for the hero at all. Otherwise, I'll make sure that the "martial art" he's taught will actually make him a worse fighter than he already is.
# If I possess craft capable of taking cities off the map from orbit, I will not bother with a ground invasion but instead kill the hero and his [[DoomedHometown hometown]] without him ever seeing me. The hero and his or her friends need never meet me or my Legions of Doom in person.
## Spies to make sure he is there and coroners to confirm it after the fact are worth their weight in gold, however.
## The locations of anti-aircraft missiles that could shoot down my vessels will be my first targets, and given no warning.
# Additional to point 10 of the original list: if I possess a fleet of spacecraft, ocean-going vessels or whatever, I will make sure that any captured heroes are brought not to my flagship, but to a small support ship (without the capacity to destroy my flagship).
# If the only thing that can kill my enemy is a silver bullet, I will make more than just ONE silver bullet.
## The first two bullets in the magazine will be ordinary bullets. These will lure my enemy into a false sense of security, ensuring he doesn't try to dodge when it counts.
### Unless the hero is NighInvulnerable or MadeOfIron, he'll still dodge the bullets because they'll hurt like a bitch. I will use all silver bullets so that when I finally hit him, it will kill him.
# I will not give myself an absurdly specific name, but rather be known as "Mr. Guy, subjugator of places." My methods will remain unknown to all but my own minions.
## Also, I will use a variety of MindControl that [[MindControlEyes deletes the victims pupils]], then outfit my new minions with artificial senses twisted as to make them do my bidding whether or not they realize it.
# As an extension of [[EvilOverlordListCellblockA rule 136]], any bomb that I build will be salvage-fused: If even a ''single'' wire (''Any'' one of them) is cut, the bomb will detonate immediately.
## That might be a ''bad'' idea, if the hero plans on [[TakingYouWithMe taking me down with him]].
### How about if the wire you need to cut to disarm the bomb is cleverly hidden directly beneath the countdown timer?
## Any bomb I build will have a psychic connection to me, and will not detonate if I may be harmed by the explosion. As soon as I'm safely out of the blast radius, the bomb may go off freely.
# If the hero's sidekicks are all or mostly [[YaoiFangirl Yaoi Fangirls]] or [[YuriFan Yuri Fanboys]], I will use this to my advantage. If we are both highly attractive [[BeautyEqualsGoodness (and the hero is NEVER not)]], they will be too distracted by my [[FoeRomanceSubtext innuendo-laden dialogue]] to even ''think'' about killing me off. As a nice bonus, the hero will likely be too confused to attack.
# If I for some reason decide to take my enemies alive, I will keep in mind modern prison standards when designing cells for my enemies. All cells will have modern concrete walls and floor, as throwing the hero in a decrepit and abandoned old part of the castle with brickwork that could potentially be dug through and leaving him to die unsupervised is right out. For important prisoners at least two guards will be posted outside the cell at all times and will have easy access to a button that will immediately kill the prisoner in case of prison riots, betrayals or attack by enemy ninjas. The cell block will also be kept under constant surveillance with hidden cameras, with the control room having remote triggers for all the 'kill prisoner' buttons.
## As an addendum to this I will never store captured heroes' weapons, armour or HumongousMecha anywhere near the prison cell blocks. Provided I cannot immediately put them to use I will have them either melted down or booby trapped and stored in a well-fortified warehouse several miles away from my prison. If it's a mecha, I'll have the cockpit removed entirely.
# I will know when to call it quits. If for example, I live in a universe where the heroes always win no matter what I do or how GenreSavvy I've become because that's the way the universe works or because the heroes have a higher power on their side (like God or the writer), then I won't stay around until I'm wiped out. I will move to a new universe and try my luck there.
## I will consider turning over a new leaf and being a morally ambiguous AntiHero. You'd be AMAZED what you can get away with if you focus on AcceptableTargets.
# I will never write my memoirs, and if I do, I will never put anything that is a secret in them.
## I will never [[WebVideo/DoctorHorriblesSingAlongBlog discuss my nefarious plans on my blog]].
# I will keep the fact I've just achieved immortality a secret, once it happens. Bragging about it just gives people the motivation to prove you wrong.
# If one of the villagers in my realm has a legitimate beef with a member of my Legion of Doom, I will deal with the matter in a fair and equitable manner. If they have no reason to be disgruntled, they won't bother helping the hero when he comes around.
# I will keep my peasants in check by providing a wide variety of amusements and entertainments. They won't bother helping the hero if it means they might miss their stories.
## I will also get rid of [=TiVo=].
# To all potential (heterosexual) MALE Evil Overlords: All my nefarious plans can wait until after my wife's birthday, daughter's wedding or any significant girl in my life's important events. Missing said event will likely cost me very dearly under the "Hell Hath no Fury" clause. No event in the girl's life would be too insignificant, cause honestly, who kills the evil overlord when he's having tea time with "Daddy's Little Princesses and her court of Cute Stuffed Animals"?
## And I can plan for the ceremony that happens during the total eclipse, but I will remember to plan for the above events as well. While I'm out shopping for the necessary materials for the ceremony, [[VillainsOutShopping I can also shop for gifts]]. Just another way of making sure I'm prepared for everything.
## If I remember such important dates, and the hero forgets that with his love interest, the humiliation would be worth it for that alone.
### I will make it a point to remember the birthdays/anniversaries of all people opposed to me and celebrate accordingly.
### I will send gifts to the heroes who thwarted my plans of world conquest on the appropriate days, to show that I bear no grudges against them. Ruling the world would be boring without people trying to oppose me. We can also play chess in the park between the inevitable conflicts. The heroes are one rung below the QuirkyMinibossSquad on my list of friends. Which is to say, when the hero falls on hard times from turning down all those rewards, I'll offer to let him join the squad.
## Similarly, my Legion of Doom will be gender neutral and all male legionnaires will be required to take sexual harassment courses prior to working for me. I will have an [[AmazonBrigade all female detachment]] of my Legion of Doom specifically trained to deal with both equal opportunity heroes and all female bands of heroes (as well all male bands, but they are increasingly harder to come by) well before they come close to my inner sanctum. I might not have [[EvenEvilHasStandards standards]] but that is no guarantee that my co-conspirators in my League of Doom round table don't and [[WouldntHitAGirl hitting a girl]] is generally one of those that is more common. On the flip side, it also looks bad if you are beaten by a bunch of girls so having a girls-only attack group can help avoid that and the male heroes will never hit a girl. And taking down my regime might mean that they aren't pro-feminist, which will cause the female forces in my Legion of Doom to work even harder to defeat them.
# I do not need to beat the hero myself. In fact, the less I need to see of ThoseMeddlingKids [[Franchise/ScoobyDoo and their dog]], the better. All troops under my command will be instructed and made clear that killing the hero in battle will earn them a handsome pay bonus. Legion of Doom troops tend to respond to two things: kindness from superiors and greed. And I have just wrapped them both up in a bag of super motivation.
## Likewise, all Legion of Doom troops limping back from a battle with the heroes will be fully compensated for injuries. At least they tried to get him, ya know?
## Wait, but then what happens if the offer of pay bonuses causes my minions to fight with ''each other'' over who gets to kill hero, leading to his subsequent escape? No, instead I'll offer a bonus to my ''entire army'', funds permitting, so that they'll all be more likely to work together to bring down my foe.
### The best method would probably be to offer a pay bonus, secretly, to the unit detached to kill the hero (on the condition that, if they fail the first time after the pay bonus was offered, they cannot get it even if they kill the hero later, unless otherwise specified, and that talking about the bonus would get them severely demoted). You want to pay the lowest amount of people you can the bonus, so that you save money, while still causing no competition. The clause that the bonus is a one time deal is so that Unit A, which failed, does not sabotage Unit B when it goes out on a mission. If units are interchangeable, IE if minion C is a part of A and B, they either get two shots at the bonus, or are stuck with only unit A (or demoted to unit D, since they failed at killing the hero). It all depends on how your army is set up, but the basic premise is similar no matter what.
### Or so that every Unit still has a reason to try, I will simply give bonuses to all troops involved in the capture. If Units A and B cooperate in capturing the hero, then they both get the bonus. I should have enough money to afford it, and I'd rather make sure that none of the minions are bitter about blowing their chance at the bonus.
#### If I can avoid dealing with Inflation, I will attempt at least one of the above compensation plans.
## Alternatively, tell all the minions that everyone in the group which killed the hero will get a bonus in the form of a night out to the bar with all their tabs paid by me. It's enough that most minions would work harder to get it, but not so much that they would kill each other for it.
# When engaged in time travel, I will never ally myself with ThoseWackyNazis. It never helps and brown is such an ugly color.
# I will not censor the Internet. Nothing pisses off kids more than not being able access Wikipedia and Website/YouTube.
## Instead, I will pay vast sums of money to Yahoo, Google, Microsoft, and other companies in order to acquire software that is used to block porn and other stuff. It worked for China, why shouldn't it do the same for me?
### Three Words: Iranian Election Fiasco.
# Although I enjoy MoreDakka and a wide selection of {{BFG}}s as much as anyone, and it does wonders for establishing my superiority over the hero's nation, once superiority has been achieved, I will withdraw all such weapons from service in my armies, as well as all armored vehicles and aircraft. My forces may question this decision, but when the hero begins his first mission and realizes he will never acquire a weapon more powerful than his starting pistol or enjoy a vehicle section, he will resign in disgust and learn to live under my rule.
## On the other hand, I will leave vehicles lying around, but make the controls as difficult and unreliable as possible [[ScrappyLevel so the hero will give up after the first few tries.]]
### I will not leave the keys in these vehicles. They will be provided to [=NPCs=] in the form of implanted security chips. Any [=NPC=] able to start a vehicle will be situated a very long way from the vehicles in question, and must be [[EscortMission escorted to said vehicles]] by the heroes. These [=NPCs=] will have [[OneHitPointWonder one hit point.]] Possibly ''half'' a hit point.
# If I manage to find out the birth date of the hero, well ''before'' the actual date, I will head for my space station and have an asteroid ([[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTKau14cvQ4 preferably one whose diameter is measured in the hundreds of miles]]) be dropped on the planet. I will then watch as the planet is quickly sterilized.
## Are you an evil overlord, or are you just [[VideoGame/FinalFantasyVI Kefka]]?
# I will not have anyone work on a project involving something that had killed their families or traumatized in any way without their explicit consent.
## In ''writing''.
## If my lead researcher's family was killed by my Computer Assisted Biologically Augmented Lifeform, I won't have her in charge of my Logarithmically Engineered Governing Intelligence? especially if essential in obtaining the artifact necessary for my ascension. I'm looking at you, [[CommandAndConquer Kane]].
# If I am the most powerful being in the universe and am fighting the hero in personal combat, I will not hold back my true power or give him a handicap of any kind just to make things interesting.
# Satisfying as it may be to humiliate my enemies, I will [[KneelBeforeZod not demand that they kneel at my feet]]. It always goes downhill from there.
## Especially if there is sand and small, sharp, bladed weapons.
# The SmashMook and the MightyGlacier will not be provided with melee weapons. They will take advantage of their strength by dual-wielding flamethrowers. Not the realistic kind, but the kind that fires in a wide cone. And they will only guard hallways. Dodge that, hero.
## Preferably the kind of hallways that are right around a corner, lest the hero decide to take advantage of the lack of range on a flame-thrower. That's when the big guy should switch to his backup mini-gun.
## Alternatively, I will give them both long-range weapons ''and'' short-range/melee weapons or weapons that double as both, like a [[EpicFlail flail]] or a [[AxeCrazy battleaxe]] that has a machine gun or two built into it. If I do give them just a flail, I will keep the hallway smooth and free of features that [[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaTwilightPrincess the hero can climb, swing, or clawshot onto]]. And I will also give all minions a handgun as a backup weapon, so if the hero does manage to get behind them, they can let go of the big heavy ball on a chain and JustShootHim.
# I will observe the hero's habits and try doing some research on him/her. If s/he is one of those heroes who doesn't even try to dodge incoming fire in a dramatic scene, I will always try to create as much drama as possible and shoot towards him once to save ammo.
## [[ImmuneToBullets Assuming there isn't a good reason s/he wouldn't try to dodge incoming fire in a dramatic scene.]]
# If I have a super weapon that I don't have to worry about the ammo for, I'll freaking use it.
# I will give my minions armor that actually does something, and I will wear the same armor to confuse my enemy.
# I will hire a comedian to make sure my one liners are damn funny so that I can kill my enemies while they're laughing.
# If a [[Series/DoctorWho twentieth century British police box]] appears out of nowhere, I will summarily drop whatever plans I have and make myself scarce. Said plans are almost certainly going to be thwarted.
## In the event that the darned contraption follows me, making my Beautiful But Evil Daughter look like Rose Tyler and sending her to distract the occupant may buy me some time.
## Dropping all plans and hiding may be premature. Police box occupants are often willing to offer a reasonable settlement before resorting to wholesale thwarting of evil plans. If, for example, I am offered some perfectly nice unoccupied planet elsewhere to take over in lieu of the Earth, or some means to achieve my research goals without needing to kick dogs by the thousand, I will not refuse unless I have a very, very good reason indeed.
## If a police box appears out of nowhere, and I am notified ''immediately'', I will obtain the police box and attempt to send it to a parallel universe. I will ensure that no occupants have ''left'' the box first, however. If nothing else, the occupants will be delayed for a couple of episodes before the box shows up again. During these episodes, I will build a [[VillainWithGoodPublicity good reputation]], and put my more obvious evil operations on hold. When the box returns, I'll be a benevolent leader, and with any luck, [[VillainOfTheWeek the occupants will instead defeat one of my rivals]].
# If I turn a named good guy into a mindless drone, either through mind control or more... [[BodyHorror invasive methods]], I will make sure any superfluous memories and emotions are permanently obliterated. If I cannot do this without making them mindless, I will give them identity-concealing helmets and ship them to a ThrowAwayCountry for life. I will never under any circumstances order them to kill their friends.
## Speaking of that last point, if I discover one of my lieutenants has a past personal connection to the hero, I will not push my luck by either ordering him to kill/brutalize the hero or [[MachiavelliWasWrong treating the hero brutally while the lieutenant is watching]] (and most certainly not while they are the only other two in the room, [[Franchise/StarWars Palpatine]]). In fact, I will ideally have the lieutenant killed to be safe. If he is a trusted one and/or I don't feel like shopping for a replacement, I will casually mention his unused vacation time and hold off action against the hero until the lieutenant is sipping martinis in the Bahamas.
# I will not [[AnyoneCanDie kill]] {{God}}. [[YouKillItYouBoughtIt It]] [[AGodAmI never]] [[RageAgainstTheHeavens helps]] [[ThisCannotBe in the long run.]]
## When His son, or [[CrystalDragonJesus an equivalent thereof]], shows up, I'll convert as soon as possible.
# My organization will NOT have any sinister sounding words such as "[[DoomyDoomsOfDoom Doom]]" or "Evil" in its title. This would only be a dead giveaway to both the heroes and common masses, and cause recruiting problems.
# Any [[SugarBowl magical lands with overly cute inhabitants]] will be destroyed by nuclear missiles launched from a distant location. Even the sweetest-looking may be home to a potential hero or his allies.
## However, before using missiles to nuke aforesaid magical ice cream cake lands, I will first consider crop sabotage, introduction of invasive species, or other more low-key alternatives that do not implicate me. Long-shots be damned, nuking a country will still get their ''neighbors'' pissed off, and if the invasive species is [[WhatMeasureIsANonCute cute enough]] then the inhabitants should accept them as their own, allowing the satisfaction of twisted irony that you just don't get from [[StuffBlowingUp watching ]][[EarthShatteringKaboom explosions.]]
### First, I would have to ensure that the invaders are immune to the aura of [[PowerOfFriendship happiness and frienships that permeate such lands]]. One should never underestimate the power of the CareBearStare. Meanwhile, I will create false evidence that the inhabitants are really AlwaysChaoticEvil in order to eliminate sympathy.
#### Failing that, several blocks of the invaders will be trained to be [[GrumpyBear utterly indifferent]] to the land's [[MarySuetopia glamour.]]
##### Failing all this, (and ''[[EvilIsNotAToy only as a last resort]]''), I will [[DealWithTheDevil acquire]] a few [[TabletopGame/{{Warhammer40000}} Hounds of Nurgle]] and send them. After all, they just want to make friends, and none of us can help the way we're made, how can they turn them away? [[NightmareFetishist Besides, look at 'em ooze! Who could say no to a face like that?]]
# One of my trusted lieutenants will be a leading folklore expert familiar with obscure stories from across the globe. There's no reason that Genre Savviness should be exclusive to Western and Japanese media. This especially applies if AllMythsAreTrue.
## I will hire Shakespeare, Nostradamus, and all other famous historical persons who can perform such tasks if I have the chance.
# If I ever hear of a prophecy that I will not die until some improbable sequence of events occurs, I will immediately hand it over to my elite team of lawyers, philosophers and cryptic crossword enthusiasts to look for any loopholes that the heroes could exploit.
## I will be certain to include my 5-year-old adviser in this newly formed team as well.
### Isn't there supposed to be a 5-year-old adviser on all advisory teams/boards/cabinets?
# If a prophecy tells me that my child will eventually kill me, and if I have children anyway, I will always treat them with kindness and love, and teach them to agree with my cause wholeheartedly, not just follow them. I will not disown them, try to kill them, or mistreat them in any way. That way, when their actions inevitably kill me, it will be an accident, and they will carry on my legacy.
## Also, this ensures that, should my children one day disagree with my methods and scheme to stop me, they will still agree with my ideals and my mission, and thus continue my legacy as well (hey, it worked for [[Franchise/{{Batman}} Ra's Al Ghul]]... sort of...)
### This also increases the chances that "kill me" means "switch off the machine after I fall into a peaceful coma at age 125".
## I will make sure to give my child immortality, along with myself. This ensures that "eventually" is stretched to its limit.
### At some point I will arrange to switch bodies with my child while leaving a device inside my original body that activates should my child's orginal body AKA my new body dies and destroys my child's mind while putting a copy of my mind takes over... That way even if he does fufill the prophecy in anyway either by me killing my old body while possesing my child's body or by the child killing my new body I'll still live through it while staying on top.
# I will not favor any ethnic group or culture over any others in my empire. While the idea of an [[ThoseWackyNazis unstoppable master race]] may have its appeal and members of such race would be more likely to have my undying support, this will only encourage otherwise pacifist groups to actively join the rebellion.
## Also, encouraging ethnic diversity is a good way to make sure that your minions remain competent.
# A Power And Skill Threshold for minions will be established. If a LeeroyJenkins or other incompetent shows himself, I will check his or her place on the Power Chart. If he or she scores above or very close to the Power Threshold, I will employ the above method of mind control to prevent such incompetence. If they score below the Power Threshold, I will have them immediately dunked in electrified acid.
## Also, any deathtraps I do have installed will have three-tier backups, and be initiated instantly. Lowering the heroes into my electric acid vat a couple inches at a time just gives them a longer period to figure out how to bypass the lasers, Deathbot Squad, and Bottomless Pit which infinitely shoots out mutants.
# If I have the power to shapeshift, I will make myself look like an adorable little girl holding a teddy bear. Rather than killing or maiming people in an adorable way and thusly scaring the shit out of everyone, I will use tears, begging, tantrums, and smiles to manipulate others into doing my nefarious bidding, and then quietly send them on year-long all-expenses paid vacations somewhere bucolic. That way, people will love me and want to protect me when the hero comes in swinging rather than hand me over to him. If all else fails, I will maintain my adorable exterior rather than revealing my true form; even if they have definitive proof that I am an evil spawn from the depths of hell, even the brooding AntiHero will hesitate before killing a little girl, and while they are hesitating I will pull a dainty miniature Derringer from inside my teddy bear, shoot the hero in the head, and make a speedy exit. [[TheSimpsons Because nobody ever expected Maggie to shoot Mr. Burns.]]
# If I have achieved [[AGodAmI supreme power]] and/or [[RealityWarper mastery over the very nature of reality]], I will endeavour to transform myself into a [[MoeAnthropomorphism cute Japanese girl]], [[VideoGame/{{Touhou}} assuming I am not one already.]] This will ensure that the worst I will get after [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption my inevitable defeat]] is tea time with the heroine.
## Nope, [[{{Gorn}} you can still get killed in bloody manner]] even after [[VisualNovel/SayaNoUta hiding all tentacles in innocent form.]]
# If I ever want to keep a diary, it will be encrypted in a code no one besides me knows, and there will be no crucial information, which means no plans, names, dates, sites or information regarding anything that could be used to bring me down.
# I will not play MMORPG's. They're addictive, so I'd take up all my time playing ''VideoGame/RuneScape'' or ''VideoGame/WorldOfWarcraft'' or ''VideoGame/NeverwinterNights'' and I'd never do any ruling.
## Unless a game is [[SeriousBusiness popular enough]] to [[Franchise/YuGiOh significantly affect the world economy, its champions live like rock stars, and at least two other terrorist groups use it]]. In that case, my [[TheDragon Dragon]] will conquer the game world, while I prepare a more conventional invasion with tanks and planes and stuff. As long as I make sure that [[IKnowMortalKombat skills learned from the game]] are useless against me, my enemies will never know what hit them.
### If I get that [[TheDragon dragon]], I wish make sure they are - or make sure they become - a perfectly sportsmanlike and amicable player who is aware of their humanity, to not give them a TemptingFate of being being defeated by a sportsmanlike and amicable hero-player while they do not consider the possibility of them losing.
### Alternately, my Dragon can help me with my invasion and I'll hire a 19-year-old boy or three to conquer the game world. I'll pay him in chips, soft drink and the opportunity to play in a room in my fortress, far from any parents nagging him to get a real job. My gamer knowing or caring about my overall plan is optional; so long as I phrase any orders I might have for him as a self-imposed limitation or challenge he'll follow them.
## On the other hand, sending copies of the games to everyone in my Empire is a good idea, they will be to busy playing the games to do anything else. And I'll play them anyway. I'm an Evil Overlord, I should be able to play whatever games I want.
# I will never, ever, let one person do all my ruling for me. Then I'm not the one who's the evil overlord.
## However, I will remember that delegation is a good thing in moderation. My evil empire should not start falling to pieces just because I'm busy dealing with a group of heroes. Nor should it fall apart because I got food poisoning and can't come into the office for the next week.
# If I have to sign huge piles of papers, I will read all of them. It takes a long time, but it's a worthy trade-off for making sure my minions aren't trying to sneak something past me. Also, if I want something written, like a letter or a proclamation, I will dictate it myself. If anything at least as advanced as a typewriter is present in the setting, and my typing skills are such that I don't have to spend three minutes looking for each key, I will ''write'' it myself.
## But in the latter case, I will still have my squad of lawyers and my five year old adviser read it over to see if there are any loopholes I might have missed.
# If there is only one person who can do something, like work a certain metal or cast a certain spell, I will offer them employment with me. If they refuse, I will send guards to make sure that they come to no harm, and that the hero can't avail himself of their services. If the guards fail, I will coat them with honey... no, actually, good guards are too hard to come by. Screw it, I'll coat them anyway; if they failed, they obviously aren't good enough.
# I will never assume that someone is stupid just because they don't know something, like basic mathematics or how to spell a certain word. They may know a lot of things I may just need.
# I will ensure that all punishments within my empire fit the crime. Nothing inspires a rebellion like the [[AllCrimesAreEqual death penalty]] for ripping off a [[MattressTagGag mattress tag]]. Minor crimes WILL NOT be punishable by death... or torture... or an ass whuppin. Rape, kidnapping, and murder (or the attempt to do any of these) may result in harsh punishment, but you won't get the shit kicked out of you for stealing an apple.
## [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Jaywalking]], on the other hand, will be punished SEVERELY..... By the [[TheBatman Joker....]]
# Whenever I kill an incompetent assassin, I will endeavor to keep his or her fate a mystery, and order a full security audit, to find out how said assassin was able to breach the outer layer of defences. I will consider pretending to have died or been gravely wounded while I sort out who is responsible for this.
## If I kill two or more incompetent assassins in short succession, I will act under the assumption that the assassins are a diversion for some other action, and order an increase in military alert.
### And / or consider that if they're able to break into my place in the first place, either they're better than I thought (with support or not) or my security is seriously lacking in quality.
# I will get my scientists to give my minions nano-machines. I will then get them to make all doors and weapons respond to these and only these. This way the hero can't steal weapons or keys.
## If this is not possible, I will use my wealth to put individual locks on each door. Since the user recognition for weapons already exist I'll have those anyway.
# If my lair has hazards which a certain magic item can help the hero bypass said item will be placed in the section where the hero would need it.
## On the far side of the section where he would need it. Since, presumably, my minions would be coming from the inside and not the outside.
## My hazardous material oceans will be devoid of platforms that can help the hero get across. There will be alternate routes hidden throughout my lair for use by my minions so they don't need to deal with the lava/acid/toxic water/spike pits.
# I will have at least 3 snipers hidden in various locations while I'm out making public appearances. Guarding these snipers will be a large group of soldiers. I will not deny my mortality and the fact that everyone in a high ranking position has at least 1 person who wants them dead.
# After becoming king/president/god/Fuhrer/leader I will make everyone's lives way better. Then, while planning to do evil things, I'll have armies of loyal subjects who believe me to be the best thing to happen to the world since sliced bread (which I may have to invent for them, making it the best thing to happen since me).
## If I'm not careful, that might make me the Good Overlord, though. And I'd need a different list.
# If anyone attempts to kill me they will be tortured for the rest of their life in a prison in the coldest place on the planet. Combine with the fact that I'll be considered the best ruler ever (from the above) there will be no reason for anyone to ever attempt to kill me.
## If the region is sufficiently large and cold and secluded, there will be no need for a prison. I'll just pitch the dissenters off the train and tell them to build their own utopia if they don't like mine. Anyone who tries to get back will certainly freeze to death.
# I will be very modest. I will regularly talk about God being my lord (regardless of if I'm trying to steal a holy artifact and become a god myself). This may keep people from suspecting me of being the evil demon ravaging the world.
## However, I will avoid this tactic if religion conflicts is common in my universe. When there are Buddhist monks and TheFourGods around, GodIsEvil trope usually occur.
# I will have my scientists work on projects that would benefit the people (curing cancer and [=AIDs=], breeding plants to grow in a very short time and continue to produce all year round). Who would want to kill the guy who gave you the crop that put an end to world hunger?
## Preferably, those scientists will be the same ones that also developed my bio-weapons for me on a part-time basis. While their weapon-research will be backed-up frequently, their altruistic works will not, and they will be instructed to tell this last part to the hero when he comes to kill them.
# While I understand that any minions that work for me are likely to be evil, I'll make it very clear that when I say I want a specific girl killed, I do NOT want them to go all lecherous when they get her. My minions will understand that if I ever find any of my men with a girl who 'is going to die anyway, so we can have some fun first', they will have the body part they were thinking with forcibly removed. If they just do the job I told them to and come back on the other hand, they'll get a coupon for the Red Light district as a bonus.
## There will be a Red Light District inside my secret base. Happy minions are productive minions.
# If any of my lieutenants has left to deal with the heroes, and I hear the other lieutenants comment that 'he's the weakest of us', it means he was killed by the heroes 20 seconds ago. I'll plan accordingly.
## If there is only one group of heroes threatening me at that given moment, why would I only send one of my lieutenants to deal with them? Sending all of my lieutenants simultaneously would allow them to bond and function better as a team.
# All my guards will be trained by Ex-Spetznaz agents and MMA fighters. Should they be disarmed they will still be able to beat their assailant.
## Train them in Krav Maga and MCMAC too. Krav Maga teaches you what to do in case the hero's mooks are smart enough to gang up on you instead of dancing around in a threatening manner while one of them is being beaten up. MCMAC teaches you unarmed combat, armed combat, and what to do if your gun runs out bullets (Hint: Guns are heavy enough to be excellent clubs.)
# My town guards won't be sociopathic assholes who bother people just because they have weapons and are the servants of the leader.
# Burning fields and slaughtering cattle is a very visible way to show how evil I am. But I will bear in mind that not only does it help draw allies for the hero, doing it too often can wreak havoc on the economy ''and'' cause famine. I will instruct my legions accordingly.
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