History ImprobableWeaponUser / Literature

* Beatrice of [[Creator/ArthurCClarke "All the Time in the World"]] once used a teddy bear as a weapon. Granted, it was an exploding teddy bear...
* In Literature/BelisariusSeries Antoninia's signature weapon is a meat cleaver which she once used to fend off attacking thugs. Later Valentinian who is a perfectionist with regard to hand to hand combat goes out of his way to insist that Rana Sanga's son learn how to use household accessories as weapons; even a prince might someday find himself without a sword.
* OlderThanFeudalism: ''Literature/TheBible''

* One of the first [[SkillScoresandPerks skills]] that Broccoli Bunch of the ''Cinnamon Bun Series'' picks up after landing on the world of Dirt is improvised weapon proficiency, which is [[ExactlyWhatItSaysontheTin Exactly What It Says on the Tin]].
** In no specific order, she has thus far wielded
*** A mop
*** An animated skull on a stick
*** [[ShovelStrike A spade]]
*** Which has recently been upgraded into a warspade, of all things
*** a candlestick
*** And her go to favorite, [[UtilityMagic Cleaning Magic]], which has proven leathally effective in certain cases.
** Many of her friends also qualify as well
*** Amaryllis gets an honorable mention for her use of RazorFloss

* When Harry Dresden in ''Literature/TheDresdenFiles'' is attacked by several Black Court vampires, what does he use to take them down? Holy water... balloons. He's also wielded shakers full of spices from a food-court pizza shop against them, because the contents include powdered garlic.
** In the first book, he holds off giant magical scorpions with a housecleaning spell.

* In ''Literature/LambToTheSlaughter'' by Creator/RoaldDahl a woman [[EdibleBludgeon kills her husband with a frozen sheep leg]]. No, she's not a LethalChef, she crushes his skull with it. Then she roasts the sheep leg and [[EatTheEvidence feeds it to the police]].
* A character in Creator/StephenKing's novella ''Literature/TheLangoliers'' uses a toaster wrapped in a tablecloth to do some creative rearrangement of their resident psychotic's skull. Amazingly, said psychotic survives this, proving useful for once when the title entities arrive.

* ''Literature/TheLookingGlassWars'' by Frank Beddor contains [[MeaningfulName Hatter Madigan]]. His weapons include blades that come out of his wrist pieces, a backpack that looks like a swiss army knife when he wants something to fight with (including corkscrews), and a hat that he can split into blades that work as boomerangs. Since he comes from [[Literature/AliceInWonderland a place]] where imagination is one of the most important things to have, his crazy weapons are not impractical. He is well known as a very good fighter.

** Vidar, the god of vengeance and justice, fights with a giant spiked boot that Heimdall describes as being made from every shoe that's ever been thrown away. [[FridgeBrilliance Which makes sense if you know you Norse mythology]], as Vidar is also the god of [[OddJobGods footwear]].

* The ''Literature/OldKingdom'' series: The Abhorsens. Magic bells. Also on a handful of notable occasions [[spoiler:magical rings that turn into cat collars with magical bells on them]].

* Literature/{{Percy Jackson|and the Olympians}} chokes the Nemean Lion with freeze-dried space meals -- in the middle of the Air and Space Museum. If that's not improbable what is?

* A canon ''{{LightNovel/Slayers}}'' short story has Lina's father ward off a mob through expert use of a ''fishing rod''. The attackers are initially incredulous, but once he demonstrates the ability to flick the hook [[EyeScream precisely into his target's eye]], no one is too eager to attack him any more. He also later uses it to land a blow on a dumbstruck demon.

* A ''very'' improbable version of the trope occurs in ''Literature/TheWeeFreeMen'': The Nac Mac Feegle have what are known as "gonnagles", also known as ''battle poets''. Resident gonnagle [[OverlyLongName Not-As-Big-As-Medium-Sized-Jock-But-Bigger-than-Wee-Jock-Jock's]] poetry is so bad it makes ravenous monsters keel over.

* Literature/{{Percy Jackson|and the Olympians}} chokes the Nemean Lion with space meals -- in the middle of the Air and Space Museum. If that's not improbable what is?

* In ''Lamb to the Slaughter'' by Creator/RoaldDahl a woman kills her husband with a frozen sheep leg. No, she's not a LethalChef, she crushes his skull with it. Then she roasts the sheep leg and [[EatTheEvidence feeds it to the police]].

* In ''Lamb to the Slaughter'' by Creator/RoaldDahl a woman kills her husband with a frozen sheep leg. No, she's not a LethalChef, she crushes his skull with it. Then she roasts the sheep leg and feeds it to the police.

---

* Creator/PatriciaCWrede has a short story called "[[Literature/EnchantedForestChronicles Utensile Strength]]" which features something called the FryingPanOfDoom. Anyone struck by the aforementioned weapon is transformed into a giant poached egg.

* Beatrice of [[Creator/ArthurCClarke "All the Time in the World"]] once used a teddy bear as a weapon. Granted, it was an exploding teddy bear...
* Yamani (read: [[FantasyCounterpartCulture Japanese]]) ladies in ''Literature/ProtectorOfTheSmall'' use silk fans with blades hidden in the edges for combat and for playing catch. Kel explains to her shocked friends that they're used when a woman thinks she's going into a dangerous situation but can't wear a weapon openly.
-->"There is a saying in the Islands. Beware the women of the warrior class, for all they touch is both decorative and deadly."
* There's a memorable scene in ''The Return of the Condor Heroes'' by Louis Cha when two guys duel. One takes out a fan and asks for the the other man's sword or spear to be shown. He responds by taking out a ''brush''. Guess who's better?
* OlderThanFeudalism: ''Literature/TheBible''
** Samson kicks ass with an ass's jawbone. (Animal jawbones with flaked flint chips wedged into their tooth-sockets were actually used as primitive cutting implements by many Neolithic cultures. Hey, it's easier than carving a saw from scratch out of wood.)
** Shamgar, another of the Judges, gets only one verse in the Bible, declaring that he killed 600 Philistines with an oxgoad... a stick used to make oxen move forward. From tent stakes to jars with torches in them to farm implements, one might get the impression that the ancient Hebrews considered it cheating to fight using something that was actually intended to be a weapon. And when you're fighting an oppressor, normal weapons aren't easy to come by.
* Creator/ManlyWadeWellman wrote a series of horror/fantasy stories and novels, the "Literature/SilverJohn" series, in which a wandering minstrel named John battles evil in the backwoods of Appalachia armed only with a silver-stringed guitar. Silver is said early on to be the one thing {{Satan}} fears, and that's who John is going after. (In TheFilmOfTheBook ''The Legend of Hillbilly John'', his strings were made from old Spanish coins; his grandfather tried to fight the Devil using strings made from silver dollars, but ended up dead -- silver dollars haven't had silver in them for years. "The government of men is in league with ''him''.")
* A character in Creator/StephenKing's novella ''Literature/TheLangoliers'' uses a toaster wrapped in a tablecloth to do some creative rearrangement of their resident psychotic's skull. Amazingly, said psychotic survives this, proving useful for once when the title entities arrive.
* A canon ''{{LightNovel/Slayers}}'' short story has Lina's father ward off a mob through expert use of a ''fishing rod''. The attackers are initially incredulous, but once he demonstrates the ability to flick the hook [[EyeScream precisely into his target's eye]], no one is too eager to attack him any more. He also later uses it to land a blow on a dumbstruck demon.
* In the novella ''Omega Rising'', Omega's weapon runs out of power and she's forced to improvise. Her choice of weapon: a motivational poster.
* In the ''Literature/KhaavrenRomances'', Khaavren's peasant servant carries a barstool as his weapon of choice after using it as an ImprovisedWeapon and finding it tolerably effective.
* ''Literature/TheLookingGlassWars'' by Frank Beddor contains [[MeaningfulName Hatter Madigan]]. His weapons include blades that come out of his wrist pieces, a backpack that looks like a swiss army knife when he wants something to fight with (including corkscrews), and a hat that he can split into blades that work as boomerangs. Since he comes from [[Literature/AliceInWonderland a place]] where imagination is one of the most important things to have, his crazy weapons are not impractical. He is well known as a very good fighter.
* Nicholai Hel (of the book ''Literature/{{Shibumi}}'') practices a martial art where anything can be used as a weapon. He has used the usual means of killing, but he has also made use of everyday things such as a key, a plastic cup, an ID card, and a folded magazine.
* In ''Up Periscope'' by Robb White, an American frogman ambushed and killed a Japanese officer with a bottle of Sake.
* In ''Lamb to the Slaughter'' by Creator/RoaldDahl a woman kills her husband with a frozen sheep leg. No, she's not a LethalChef, she crushes his skull with it. Then she roasts the sheep leg and feeds it to the police.
* In the first ''Florida Roadkill'' book, a man is brutally beaten and eventually killed with a variety of convenience store supplies for insulting the cashier. The killers then pay for the items they used as weapons (and the drinks they had entered the store to purchase) and go on their way.
* In the horror novel ''Stage Fright'', the VR artiste's previous works include a "dreamie" in which two ghouls battle each other with shovels in a cemetary. It's unclear if they're human graverobbers or monsters, but either way, it's justified that they'd be good at wielding them.
* Literature/{{Percy Jackson|and the Olympians}} chokes the Nemean Lion with space meals - in the middle of the Air and Space Museum. If that's not improbable what is?
* In Literature/TomSwift and His Airship, towards the end, there is a fight and Mr. Damon sprays a baddie with selzer and then beats him with the bottles!
-->... Mr. Damon rushing toward the now disabled leader, playing both bottles of seltzer on him. Then, when all the liquid was gone the eccentric man began to beat Morse over the head and shoulders with the heavy bottles until the scoundrel begged for mercy.
* In ''[[Literature/{{Gormenghast}} Titus Alone]]'', an enraged Flay attacks Steerpike by throwing a live cat at his face.
* Not exactly "wielded", but the protagonist of ''Pest Control'' verbally invokes this trope when he realizes he can use ''New York City'' as a "weapon" against the foreign hitmen on his trail. Like, say, leading one gun-brandishing killer through the kitchen of an Italian restaurant, then on into its dining room filled with Mafia dons and their trigger-happy bodyguards.
* The ''Literature/OldKingdom'' series: The Abhorsens. Magic bells. Also on a handful of notable occasions [[spoiler:magical rings that turn into cat collars with magical bells on them]].
* In ''Literature/TheClericQuintet'', Cadderly's favored weapons are a blowgun-walking stick, a hand crossbow with exploding darts, and a ''combat yo-yo''. Pikel, the dwarf wannabe-druid, uses a small stout ''tree'' as a combination two-handed club and anti-personnel battering ram.
* In Literature/BelisariusSeries Antoninia's signature weapon is a meat cleaver which she once used to fend off attacking thugs. Later Valentinian who is a perfectionist with regard to hand to hand combat goes out of his way to insist that Rana Sanga's son learn how to use household accessories as weapons; even a prince might someday find himself without a sword.
* In one of Creator/MercedesLackey's Serrated Edge stories, an ordinary human takes down a Banshee with a bottle of (blessed) soda water (containing iron filings). When asked how he managed to get cold iron into water, he replied "Never piss off an engineer."
* ''Literature/LegacyOfTheDragokin'': Man in Shadow can use the shreds of his tattered cape as four extra limbs.
* The Spartans of ''Literature/MythosAcademy'' are born knowing how to turn any item they can pick up into a weapon.
* ''Literature/{{Trainspotting}}'': Bar brawler Francis Begbie likes to carry around a variety of strange weapons, including sharpened knitting needles. Renton suspects that without his weapons, Begbie really isn't all that tough.
* In the ''Literature/RainbowMagic'' series, in Isabella the Air Fairy's book, a goblin weaponizes cans of air freshener to keep the girls at bay.
* Jessamine Lovelace from ''Literature/TheInfernalDevices'', uses a parasol Henry made for her. The fabric is edged with electrum, though.
* Smith from ''Literature/TheRedAndTheRest'' used a mini-fridge as a weapon in a pinch. Several chapters later, Mel uses a shaken-up can of [[TrademarkFavoriteFood orange soda]] as an impromptu grenade.
* In ''A Proper Taming'', Portia grabs a bedwarmer against a man who barges into her room.
* ''Literature/CradleSeries'': Eithan Arelius, being the Patriarch of a [[AlmightyJanitor clan of janitors]], at one point uses an ordinary broom to defend himself. The broom is enhanced with soulfire, making it far more durable than it has any right to be, but it's still just a broom. When that fails, he pulls out an ordinary pair of clothing scissors. These are also enhanced by soulfire, but even ignoring that they are absolutely unbreakable and can cut through anything. His opponent, who has plenty of experience with soulfire himself, has no idea how these seemingly ordinary scissors are cutting through all his defenses.
-->'''Eithan:''' He initiated an open attack against me in Serpent's Grave, and I was forced to take out ''the broom''.\\
'''Emperor:''' I've never heard that expression. I assume you mean an actual broom.

* Red Orm in Frans G Bengtsson's ''Literature/TheLongShips'' uses a chopping block as a thrown weapon in a fight. No-one else is able to even lift it, which makes him very happy.

** Dwarf Bread. Implied to contain gravel as a major ingredient, it lasts for centuries, can be thrown with deadly force and accuracy, and forms a major part of dwarf culture. And in a desperate situation, you can even eat it. It would have to be ''very'' desperate though, it's use as a food source is primarily that when faced with the prospect of eating Dwarf Bread ''everything else'' looks damn tasty by comparison.

* A ''very'' improbable version of the trope occurs in ''Discworld/TheWeeFreeMen'': The Nac Mac Feegle have what are known as "gonnagles", also known as ''battle poets''. Resident gonnagle [[OverlyLongName Not-As-Big-As-Medium-Sized-Jock-But-Bigger-than-Wee-Jock-Jock's]] poetry is so bad it makes ravenous monsters keel over.

** In ''Discworld/CarpeJugulum'' the Pictises give King Verence a rather large cup of their battle brew. In the following battle to recapture Lancre Castle, one of the weapons mentioned is a "ballistic King", doubling as GrievousHarmWithABody.

** In ''Discworld/{{Wintersmith}}'' Tiffany becomes the owner of a Cornucopia, which produces food on command and can also be used as a weapon...

*** After his house is broken into in ''Discworld/{{Thud}}'' Sam reflects on how comforting it is at times like this to have a butler who can throw a common fish knife so hard that it is quite difficult to remove from the wall.

** Gussie Two-Grins (mentioned briefly in ''Discworld/NightWatch'') was one of these, as Vimes describes him, anything was a weapon. Of course this was far from the only mention of 'not strictly speaking weapons' in the book, indeed mentions are made specifically of broken-off bottles, meat-hooks and other tools of butchery, and in one case, a hammer, wedges, and ginger, among many others.

** ''Discworld/MakingMoney'' gives us a demonstration of Sloshi, the official martial art of the Fool's Guild. FightingClown is taken entirely literally, and all the tricks of the trade including high-velocity custard pies, [[PlankGag ladders]] and balloon animals are used with deadly efficiency - the latter are particularly useful in [[spoiler:[[AssassinOutclassin killing]] Cosmo's personal assassin]], making for surprisingly good garrotes.

** All of the above are topped by the use of a laser guided, air-dropped ''frozen turkey''.

* Beatrice of [[ArthurCClarke "All the Time in the World"]] once used a teddy bear as a weapon. Granted, it was an exploding teddy bear...

* In ''Literature/TheClericQuintet'', Cadderly Bonaduce starts out using a yo-yo.

* When Harry Dresden in ''Literature/TheDresdenFiles'' is attacked by several Black Court vampires, what does he use to take them down? Holy water... balloons.

* In one [[Creator/MercedesLackey Serrated Edge]] story, an ordinary human takes down a Banshee with a bottle of (blessed) soda water (containing iron filings). When asked how he managed to get cold iron into water, he replied "Never piss off an engineer."