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* The sadly long-gone Wave Magazine archive had plenty of howlers, but special mention goes to Sean's article chronicling his attempts to get high off of legal alternatives to various drugs. Spoiler alert: None of them worked, but they did include plenty of unpleasant side effects, such as rampant paranoia when Sean visits a Chuck E. Cheese:
--> "I found a game where I could punch tiny ducks with a spring-loaded punching bag that helped me get the blood flowing back to my hands and also won me enough tickets to trade in for a miniature toy blender. I noticed in the car that it was incorrectly spelled by the Chinese sweatshop workers as BLENDOR. This convinced me that I’d gone in for pizza and fun, but came out with BLENDOR, the dark lord of all blending. [[FromBadToWorse This did not help my paranoia at all.]]"
--> "I found a game where I could punch tiny ducks with a spring-loaded punching bag that helped me get the blood flowing back to my hands and also won me enough tickets to trade in for a miniature toy blender. I noticed in the car that it was incorrectly spelled by the Chinese sweatshop workers as BLENDOR. This convinced me that I’d gone in for pizza and fun, but came out with BLENDOR, the dark lord of all blending. [[FromBadToWorse This did not help my paranoia at all.]]"
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* Sean's write up on the instructional video about caring for dolls is as hilarious as CreepyDoll jokes will ever get:
--> "''Collectible Doll Care'' taught me more than how long a grown man can sustain one terrified pee. For example, did you know that giving your doll a haircut is important enough to take up 20% of a doll maintenance instructional video? I didn't. I didn't even know that doll hair ''grew''. And by the way, fuck you for that, sorcerers."
--> "''Collectible Doll Care'' taught me more than how long a grown man can sustain one terrified pee. For example, did you know that giving your doll a haircut is important enough to take up 20% of a doll maintenance instructional video? I didn't. I didn't even know that doll hair ''grew''. And by the way, fuck you for that, sorcerers."
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* [[https://www.cracked.com/blog/what-role-playing-games-are-really-like-when-youre-drunk Marvel Superheroes for Drunk Children]] is an exercise in [[RefugeInAudacity dark humor]], taking readers on a trip through a Marvel tabletop RPG session played by a group of schoolkids that have made some incredibly poor decisions. Also, Cody has already eaten a handful of dice.
** A special shout-out goes to the commenter who realized he still had a copy of the actual game and decided to play it with his friends while they were all hammered.
!!Man Comics
** A special shout-out goes to the commenter who realized he still had a copy of the actual game and decided to play it with his friends while they were all hammered.
!!Man Comics
Changed line(s) 17,19 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Man:''' Did some angry god punish a parade?
-->'''Popsicle Pete:''' '''[[VoiceOfTheLegion THE NIGHT WIND CAN ALWAYS CARRY ONE MORE SCREAM.]]'''
* His comic special, ''Fuckin' Shit Up for Lads and Boys'' deserves special mention.
-->'''Popsicle Pete:''' '''[[VoiceOfTheLegion THE NIGHT WIND CAN ALWAYS CARRY ONE MORE SCREAM.]]'''
* His comic special, ''Fuckin' Shit Up for Lads and Boys'' deserves special mention.
to:
-->'''Popsicle
* His comic special, ''Fuckin' Shit Up for Lads and Boys'' deserves special mention. This entry from its advice column, "Kicking Nature's Ass", takes the cake, however.
-->'''Lando, Age 9''': Professor, deer keep coming into our garden and eating our crops. What should we do?
-->'''Professor Hirem Klaus''': Kid, a deer's only natural defense is a sandpapery anal texture. You shouldn't need a boy's magazine columnist to help you kill it before it steals your god damn raspberries. The only advice I have for you is to save the receipt when you buy your first box of condoms. They're going to be way too big.
* The Punchmaster. Guess how he solves every problem. Go ahead. ''Guess.''
* "Lads! Girls! This belt FUCKING '''SUCKS!'''"
* "Saul Saltine: Non-Racist Boy from the Future!"
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Changed line(s) 15 (click to see context) from:
* "Do you really 'make the best Brussels sprouts,' or do you just ruin bacon a couple times a year?"
to:
* "Do you really 'make the best Brussels sprouts,' or do you just ruin bacon a couple times a year?"year?"
* Seanbaby's Man Comics rewrite of Good Humor's long-retired Popsicle Pete mascot as an EldritchAbomination straddles a thin line between absolute hilarity and high octane NightmareFuel.
-->'''Man:''' Did some angry god punish a parade?
-->'''Popsicle Pete:''' '''[[VoiceOfTheLegion THE NIGHT WIND CAN ALWAYS CARRY ONE MORE SCREAM.]]'''
* His comic special, ''Fuckin' Shit Up for Lads and Boys'' deserves special mention.
* Seanbaby's Man Comics rewrite of Good Humor's long-retired Popsicle Pete mascot as an EldritchAbomination straddles a thin line between absolute hilarity and high octane NightmareFuel.
-->'''Man:''' Did some angry god punish a parade?
-->'''Popsicle Pete:''' '''[[VoiceOfTheLegion THE NIGHT WIND CAN ALWAYS CARRY ONE MORE SCREAM.]]'''
* His comic special, ''Fuckin' Shit Up for Lads and Boys'' deserves special mention.
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Changed line(s) 12 (click to see context) from:
-->"''When you aliens are watching'' Film/IndependenceDay'', I hope what you really take away from it is this: '''Randy Quaid can kill you.''' That's not good news, space monsters. Randy Quaid isn't our best human. Here on Earth, we make Randy Quaid wear a helmet when he tries to think.'' Literature/OfMiceAndMen ''was actually a Randy Quaid reality show. When a casting director can't get an orangutan for a part, they call Randy Quaid, and they have to use a special summoning horn to do it because Randy Quaid eats anything that rings. [[BeyondTheImpossible Randy Quaid once farted from April of 1991 to November of 1993.]] The point is, if he can stop your space invasion, you are fucked. Randy Quaid thinks anything with more than three letters is a suppository.''"
to:
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Changed line(s) 12 (click to see context) from:
"''When you aliens are watching'' Film/IndependenceDay'', I hope what you really take away from it is this: '''Randy Quaid can kill you.''' That's not good news, space monsters. Randy Quaid isn't our best human. Here on Earth, we make Randy Quaid wear a helmet when he tries to think.'' Literature/OfMiceAndMen ''was actually a Randy Quaid reality show. When a casting director can't get an orangutan for a part, they call Randy Quaid, and they have to use a special summoning horn to do it because Randy Quaid eats anything that rings. [[BeyondTheImpossible Randy Quaid once farted from April of 1991 to November of 1993.]] The point is, if he can stop your space invasion, you are fucked. Randy Quaid thinks anything with more than three letters is a suppository.''"
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* Speaking of Creator/RandyQuaid, this excerpt from an article on stuff that aliens need to see before invading Earth is fucking hysterical:
"''When you aliens are watching'' Film/IndependenceDay'', I hope what you really take away from it is this: '''Randy Quaid can kill you.''' That's not good news, space monsters. Randy Quaid isn't our best human. Here on Earth, we make Randy Quaid wear a helmet when he tries to think.'' Literature/OfMiceAndMen ''was actually a Randy Quaid reality show. When a casting director can't get an orangutan for a part, they call Randy Quaid, and they have to use a special summoning horn to do it because Randy Quaid eats anything that rings. [[BeyondTheImpossible Randy Quaid once farted from April of 1991 to November of 1993.]] The point is, if he can stop your space invasion, you are fucked. Randy Quaid thinks anything with more than three letters is a suppository.''"
"''When you aliens are watching'' Film/IndependenceDay'', I hope what you really take away from it is this: '''Randy Quaid can kill you.''' That's not good news, space monsters. Randy Quaid isn't our best human. Here on Earth, we make Randy Quaid wear a helmet when he tries to think.'' Literature/OfMiceAndMen ''was actually a Randy Quaid reality show. When a casting director can't get an orangutan for a part, they call Randy Quaid, and they have to use a special summoning horn to do it because Randy Quaid eats anything that rings. [[BeyondTheImpossible Randy Quaid once farted from April of 1991 to November of 1993.]] The point is, if he can stop your space invasion, you are fucked. Randy Quaid thinks anything with more than three letters is a suppository.''"
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Changed line(s) 10 (click to see context) from:
-->(in exaggerated Arnold-esque Austrian accent) "AHM RANDY QUAID BY ACCLAIM! GET ME TO MAHS, AHM RANDY QUAID!"
to:
-->(in exaggerated Arnold-esque Austrian accent) "AHM [[Creator/RandyQuaid RANDY QUAID QUAID]] BY ACCLAIM! GET ME TO MAHS, AHM RANDY QUAID!"
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* Self-described, in this case:
-->"Once, while I was working as a writer for some now-cancelled MTV cartoon, the topic of Music/PhilCollins came up. Another writer at the table asked, 'What does 'Su-Su-Sudio' even mean?' And, as I'd waited for my entire life, I responded with the best Phil Collins joke I've ever written: "That's what a normal song sounds like when you sing it with balls in your mouth."
* When he reviewed ''Custer's Revenge'':
-->'''Custer''': "Gentlemen, you are the bravest squadron of men it has ever been this Southerner's privilege to serve with. And you will need that bravery today, as your orders are to remove my pants and underpants. I will then attempt to force sex on an Indian girl under heavy enemy fire. Are there any questions?"\\
'''Custer's Military Adviser''': "Yes, general. Several."
* Anytime he takes on Gregory J.P. Godek and his awful romantic advice books. This basically sums it up:
-->'''Godek's Advice''': Pretend you're vacationing foreigners who don't speak English. Have fun asking directions and ordering in restaurants while pretending not to understand English.\\
'''Seanbaby''': Let me tell you about the hatred I have for Godek. He writes like it's the side effect of a stroke. He is so witless and humorless that 83 of his puns have charged him with rape. When he and his wife get naked, they're more [[AuthorAppeal pizza]] than flesh and that's not even why birds try to kill them. My hate for him is so personal, so vivid... and I earned that sweet hate over the course of a dozen of his fucking dumbass books. So I'm especially pissed off that there's a waiter out there watching him pretend to be a German tourist, and in five seconds he'll hate Godek more than I ever can.
* Seanbaby's introduction to the absymal NES game ''Film/TotalRecall1990'' by Acclaim on ''Broken Pixels'':
-->(in exaggerated Arnold-esque Austrian accent) "AHM RANDY QUAID BY ACCLAIM! GET ME TO MAHS, AHM RANDY QUAID!"
* His Twitter treatment for a sequel to the Jean-Claude Van Damme hit ''Film/{{Timecop}}'', starring JCVD as [=TimeCop=], along with JCVD as nearly everyone else, too. Here's a sample:
--> You growl, pouring beer over cereal as if to say, “I’m a hungover cop.” The beer is from 1217 because you’re a hungover [=TIMEcop=].
* "Do you really 'make the best Brussels sprouts,' or do you just ruin bacon a couple times a year?"
-->"Once, while I was working as a writer for some now-cancelled MTV cartoon, the topic of Music/PhilCollins came up. Another writer at the table asked, 'What does 'Su-Su-Sudio' even mean?' And, as I'd waited for my entire life, I responded with the best Phil Collins joke I've ever written: "That's what a normal song sounds like when you sing it with balls in your mouth."
* When he reviewed ''Custer's Revenge'':
-->'''Custer''': "Gentlemen, you are the bravest squadron of men it has ever been this Southerner's privilege to serve with. And you will need that bravery today, as your orders are to remove my pants and underpants. I will then attempt to force sex on an Indian girl under heavy enemy fire. Are there any questions?"\\
'''Custer's Military Adviser''': "Yes, general. Several."
* Anytime he takes on Gregory J.P. Godek and his awful romantic advice books. This basically sums it up:
-->'''Godek's Advice''': Pretend you're vacationing foreigners who don't speak English. Have fun asking directions and ordering in restaurants while pretending not to understand English.\\
'''Seanbaby''': Let me tell you about the hatred I have for Godek. He writes like it's the side effect of a stroke. He is so witless and humorless that 83 of his puns have charged him with rape. When he and his wife get naked, they're more [[AuthorAppeal pizza]] than flesh and that's not even why birds try to kill them. My hate for him is so personal, so vivid... and I earned that sweet hate over the course of a dozen of his fucking dumbass books. So I'm especially pissed off that there's a waiter out there watching him pretend to be a German tourist, and in five seconds he'll hate Godek more than I ever can.
* Seanbaby's introduction to the absymal NES game ''Film/TotalRecall1990'' by Acclaim on ''Broken Pixels'':
-->(in exaggerated Arnold-esque Austrian accent) "AHM RANDY QUAID BY ACCLAIM! GET ME TO MAHS, AHM RANDY QUAID!"
* His Twitter treatment for a sequel to the Jean-Claude Van Damme hit ''Film/{{Timecop}}'', starring JCVD as [=TimeCop=], along with JCVD as nearly everyone else, too. Here's a sample:
--> You growl, pouring beer over cereal as if to say, “I’m a hungover cop.” The beer is from 1217 because you’re a hungover [=TIMEcop=].
* "Do you really 'make the best Brussels sprouts,' or do you just ruin bacon a couple times a year?"
