History Funny / MontyPythonsFlyingCircus

12th Sep '16 9:45:26 AM Prfnoff
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Added DiffLines:

* The "Scott of the Sahara" sketch:
** The leading actor's apoplectic reaction to being told that Scott can't fight a lion because [[MisplacedWildlife there aren't any lions in the Antarctic]].
** Scott's fight with the lion (as filmed after the producers agree to change the setting), which begins with him beating the stuffing out of a lifeless dummy and suddenly turns into a boxing match with a man in a lion suit.
29th Aug '16 5:53:58 AM Aquila89
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-->"Pretty strong meat there from ''[sniff]'' Sam Peckinpah!"

to:

-->"Pretty strong meat there from ''[sniff]'' Sam Peckinpah!"Peckinpah!" ''(gunned down in slow motion)''
29th Aug '16 5:48:42 AM Aquila89
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-->'''Inspector Praline:''' That's as maybe, it's still a frog.\\

to:

-->'''Inspector '''Inspector Praline:''' That's as maybe, it's still a frog.\\
29th Aug '16 5:48:20 AM Aquila89
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Added DiffLines:

-->'''Mr. Milton:''' We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.\\
-->'''Inspector Praline:''' That's as maybe, it's still a frog.\\
'''Mr. Milton:''' What else?\\
'''Praline:''' Well don't you even take the bones out?\\
'''Mr. Milton:''' If we took the bones out it wouldn't be ''crunchy'' would it?
18th Aug '16 5:37:15 PM mlsmithca
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** He tells them the key is to disarm the attacker and then eat the banana. What he doesn't tell them is that disarming the attacker involves shooting him, as one student (played by Creator/GrahamChapman) finds out the difficult (and fatal) way.

to:

** He tells them the key is to disarm the attacker and then eat the banana. What he doesn't tell them is that disarming the attacker involves shooting him, as one student (played by Creator/GrahamChapman) Mr. Apricot - er, Harrison (Creator/GrahamChapman) - finds out the difficult (and fatal) way.
18th Aug '16 5:34:53 PM mlsmithca
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--->'''Instructor:''' Come at me with that bannana! Come at me with it! As long as you like. C'mon, c'mon, come--\\
(Graham Chapman calmly walks towards the instructor non-threateningly)\\

to:

--->'''Instructor:''' Come at me with that bannana! banana! Come at me with it! As long as you like. C'mon, c'mon, come--\\
(Graham Chapman ''[Graham calmly walks towards the instructor non-threateningly)\\non-threateningly]''\\



(Graham Chapman screams wildly and charges toward the instructor, who then shoots him dead.)\\
'''Instructor:''' NOW... (picks up bannana) now, I eat the banana!

to:

(Graham Chapman ''[Graham screams wildly and charges toward the instructor, who then draws a gun and shoots him dead.)\\
dead]''\\
'''Instructor:''' NOW... (picks ''[picks up bannana) banana]'' now, I eat the banana!
18th Aug '16 5:33:22 PM mlsmithca
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'''Instructor:''' I promise [[I won't kill you]], now, are you going to attack me!?\\

to:

'''Instructor:''' I promise [[I I won't kill you]], you, now, are you going to attack me!?\\
18th Aug '16 5:32:53 PM mlsmithca
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--->'''Instructor:''' Now, self-defence! Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit! ''(the students groan)''\\

to:

--->'''Instructor:''' Now, self-defence! Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit! ''(the ''[the students groan)''\\groan]''\\



'''Eric:''' ''(smiles)'' Like someone who attacks you with a pointèd stick?\\
'''Instructor:''' ''(livid)'' Pointed sticks?! Oh, oh, oh, we want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? Oh, oh, oh, oh, ''well I'll tell you something, my lad!!'' When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, ''don't come crying to me!''

to:

'''Eric:''' ''(smiles)'' ''[smiles]'' Like someone who attacks you with a pointèd stick?\\
'''Instructor:''' ''(livid)'' ''[livid]'' Pointed sticks?! Oh, oh, oh, we want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? Oh, oh, oh, oh, ''well I'll tell you something, my lad!!'' When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, ''don't come crying to me!''



'''Instructor:''' ''(pause)'' Run for it.\\

to:

'''Instructor:''' ''(pause)'' ''[pause]'' Run for it.\\



'''Instructor:''' ''(alarmed)'' WHERE!? WHERE?!\\

to:

'''Instructor:''' ''(alarmed)'' ''[alarmed]'' WHERE!? WHERE?!\\



'''Instructor:''' ''(panicked)'' WHERE?! WHERE!?\\

to:

'''Instructor:''' ''(panicked)'' ''[panicked]'' WHERE?! WHERE!?\\



'''Terry:''' ''(flatly)'' No.\\

to:

'''Terry:''' ''(flatly)'' ''[flatly]'' No.\\



'''Instructor:''' All right. ''(throws his gun away)'' How to defend yourself against a raspberry, ''without'' a gun!\\
'''Terry:''' ''(outraged)'' You were going to shoot me!\\

to:

'''Instructor:''' All right. ''(throws ''[throws his gun away)'' away]'' How to defend yourself against a raspberry, ''without'' a gun!\\
'''Terry:''' ''(outraged)'' ''[outraged]'' You were going to shoot me!\\



'''Terry:''' ''(overlapping)'' You were!...\\
'''Instructor:''' ''(overlapping)'' No, no, I wasn't, I wasn't!... C'mon-- C'mon, you worm! You miserable little man, come at me then! Come on, do you worst, you WORM!

to:

'''Terry:''' ''(overlapping)'' ''[overlapping]'' You were!...\\
'''Instructor:''' ''(overlapping)'' ''[overlapping]'' No, no, I wasn't, I wasn't!... C'mon-- C'mon, you worm! You miserable little man, come at me then! Come on, do you worst, you WORM!



--->'''Instructor:''' All right clever dick, all right clever dick! You two, come at me with raspberries, there you are, a whole basket each! ''(hands Michael and Eric a basket of raspberries each)'' Come on, come at me with them, then!\\

to:

--->'''Instructor:''' All right clever dick, all right clever dick! You two, come at me with raspberries, there you are, a whole basket each! ''(hands ''[hands Michael and Eric a basket of raspberries each)'' each]'' Come on, come at me with them, then!\\



'''Instructor:''' Right, now don't rush me this time! I'm going to turn me back so you can stalk me! ''(does so)'' Right! Come up as quietly as you can, right!? Close up behind me, then, in with the raspberries, right?! Start moving!\\
''(Michael and Eric sneak up behind him)''\\

to:

'''Instructor:''' Right, now don't rush me this time! I'm going to turn me back so you can stalk me! ''(does so)'' ''[does so]'' Right! Come up as quietly as you can, right!? Close up behind me, then, in with the raspberries, right?! Start moving!\\
''(Michael ''[Michael and Eric sneak up behind him)''\\him]''\\



''(he presses a button, and the wall opens to reveal a wooden tiger which glides along rails toward Michael and Eric; sounds of roaring and cries of pain and alarm)''\\
'''Instructor:''' The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that it not only eats the raspberry-laden foe but also the raspberries! The tiger, however, does not relish the peach! The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile! ''(turns to the empty room)'' Right! Now, the rest of you, I know you're there! Lurking under the floorboards with your damsons and your prunes... hiding behind the wall bars with your quinces! Well, I'm ready for you! I've wired myself up to two hundred tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as tries anything we'll all go up together! I warned you! I warned you! Right, that's it!\\
''(BOOM, an explosion occurs, but the instructor lives)''

to:

''(he ''[he presses a button, and the wall opens to reveal a wooden tiger which glides along rails toward Michael and Eric; sounds of roaring and cries of pain and alarm)''\\
alarm]''\\
'''Instructor:''' The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that it not only eats the raspberry-laden foe but also the raspberries! The tiger, however, does not relish the peach! The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile! ''(turns ''[turns to the empty room)'' room]'' Right! Now, the rest of you, I know you're there! Lurking under the floorboards with your damsons and your prunes... hiding behind the wall bars with your quinces! Well, I'm ready for you! I've wired myself up to two hundred tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as tries anything we'll all go up together! I warned you! I warned you! Right, that's it!\\
''(BOOM, ''[BOOM, an explosion occurs, but the instructor lives)''lives]''



-->''For 7 years you YouTubers have been ripping us off, taking tens of thousands of our videos and putting them on YouTube. Now the tables are turned. It's time for us to take matters into our own hands. [[TheFourthWallWillNotProtectYou We know who you are, we know where you live and we could come after you in ways too horrible to tell.]] But being the extraordinarily nice chaps we are, we've figured a better way to get our own back: We've launched our own Monty Python channel on YouTube. No more of those crap quality videos you've been posting. We're giving you the real thing - HQ videos delivered straight from our vault. What's more, we're taking our most viewed clips and uploading brand new HQ versions. And what's even more, we're letting you see absolutely everything for free. So there! But we want something in return. None of your driveling, mindless comments. Instead, we want you to click on the links, buy our movies & TV shows and soften our pain and disgust at being ripped off all these years.''

to:

-->''For -->For 7 years you YouTubers have been ripping us off, taking tens of thousands of our videos and putting them on YouTube. Now the tables are turned. It's time for us to take matters into our own hands. [[TheFourthWallWillNotProtectYou We know who you are, we know where you live and we could come after you in ways too horrible to tell.]] But being the extraordinarily nice chaps we are, we've figured a better way to get our own back: We've launched our own Monty Python channel on YouTube. No more of those crap quality videos you've been posting. We're giving you the real thing - HQ videos delivered straight from our vault. What's more, we're taking our most viewed clips and uploading brand new HQ versions. And what's even more, we're letting you see absolutely everything for free. So there! But we want something in return. None of your driveling, mindless comments. Instead, we want you to click on the links, buy our movies & TV shows and soften our pain and disgust at being ripped off all these years.''



-->'''Storyteller:''' Hello, Children, hello. Here is this morning's story. Are you ready? Then we'll begin. ''(opens book and begins reading)''[[note]] In reality, the book is ''What Do People Do All Day?'' by Creator/RichardScarry.[[/note]] "One day, Ricky the magic Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he grabbed her heavy shoulders, pulling her down onto the bed and ripping off her..." ''(trails off, stunned; flips over several pages, then gives the camera a slightly forced smile)'' "Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea. And he loved to hang out down by the pier... where the men dressed as ladies!?" ''(flips over several more pages, incredulous; eventually a technician pokes him with a stick from offscreen)'' Uh! Ah... ''(he gives the camera an even more forced smile)'' "Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky Shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and..." ''(trails off again, even more stunned, and flips over several pages)'' "Discipline"!? "Naked..." ''(turns the book sideways as if looking at a magazine centrefold)'' "[[NoodleImplements ... with a melon]]"?!
* The Burglar (who is actually an Encyclopedia Salesman) sketch, in which Eric Idle tells a housewife that he'd like to enter her house and steal a few things; she remains suspicious that he's actually selling encyclopaedias, but finally agrees to let him in. Sure enough, as he begins taking things from her shelves and putting them in his jacket, he muses, "Mind you, I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopaedias!"
** And that was a successful encyclopaedia salesman. An unsuccessful one is portrayed as a mannequin plummeting from a tall building. Followed by two more.

to:

-->'''Storyteller:''' Hello, Children, hello. Here is this morning's story. Are you ready? Then we'll begin. ''(opens ''[opens book and begins reading)''[[note]] reading]''[[note]] In reality, the book is ''What Do People Do All Day?'' by Creator/RichardScarry.[[/note]] "One day, Ricky the magic Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he grabbed her heavy shoulders, pulling her down onto the bed and ripping off her..." ''(trails ''[trails off, stunned; flips over several pages, then gives the camera a slightly forced smile)'' smile]'' "Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea. And he loved to hang out down by the pier... where the men dressed as ladies!?" ''(flips ''[flips over several more pages, incredulous; eventually a technician pokes him with a stick from offscreen)'' offscreen]'' Uh! Ah... ''(he ''[he gives the camera an even more forced smile)'' smile]'' "Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky Shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and..." ''(trails ''[trails off again, even more stunned, and flips over several pages)'' pages]'' "Discipline"!? "Naked..." ''(turns ''[turns the book sideways as if looking at a magazine centrefold)'' centrefold]'' "[[NoodleImplements ... with a melon]]"?!
* The Burglar (who is actually an Encyclopedia Salesman) sketch, in which Eric Idle tells a housewife that he'd like to enter her house and steal a few things; she remains suspicious that he's actually selling encyclopaedias, but finally agrees to let him in. Sure enough, as he begins taking things from her shelves and putting them in his jacket, he muses, "Mind you, I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopaedias!"
**
encyclopaedias!" And that was a successful encyclopaedia salesman. An unsuccessful one is portrayed as a mannequin plummeting from a tall building. Followed by two more.



-->'''The Bishop:''' ''(after failing to stop yet another clergyman from meeting a premature end)'' We was too late!

to:

-->'''The Bishop:''' ''(after ''[after failing to stop yet another clergyman from meeting a premature end)'' end]'' We was too late!



''(the penguin on top of the pepperpots' television set does, indeed, explode)''\\

to:

''(the ''[the penguin on top of the pepperpots' television set does, indeed, explode)''\\explode]''\\



'''Boss:''' ''(snorts)'' They wouldn't ''give'' it to us if we didn't pay for it, would they?

to:

'''Boss:''' ''(snorts)'' ''[snorts]'' They wouldn't ''give'' it to us if we didn't pay for it, would they?



'''Hungarian:''' Ah. Ah. ''(reading hesitantly from phrasebook)'' I will not buy this record, it is scratched.\\

to:

'''Hungarian:''' Ah. Ah. ''(reading ''[reading hesitantly from phrasebook)'' phrasebook]'' I will not buy this record, it is scratched.\\



'''Hungarian:''' ''(enunciating more clearly)'' I will not buy this record, it is scratched.\\

to:

'''Hungarian:''' ''(enunciating ''[enunciating more clearly)'' clearly]'' I will not buy this record, it is scratched.\\



'''Hungarian:''' Ah! ''(he and the tobacconist point at each other in dawning comprehension)'' I will not buy this ''tobacconist's'', it is scratched!\\
'''Tobacconist:''' No, no, no... tobacco... er, cigarettes? ''(picks up a pack of cigarettes)''\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''(delighted)'' Yah![[note]] The Hungarian for "yes" is actually "igen".[[/note]] Yah, ci-gar-ettes. ''(reading hesitantly from phrasebook again)'' MyHovercraftIsFullOfEels.\\

to:

'''Hungarian:''' Ah! ''(he ''[he and the tobacconist point at each other in dawning comprehension)'' comprehension]'' I will not buy this ''tobacconist's'', it is scratched!\\
'''Tobacconist:''' No, no, no... tobacco... er, cigarettes? ''(picks ''[picks up a pack of cigarettes)''\\
cigarettes]''\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''(delighted)'' ''[delighted]'' Yah![[note]] The Hungarian for "yes" is actually "igen".[[/note]] Yah, ci-gar-ettes. ''(reading ''[reading hesitantly from phrasebook again)'' again]'' MyHovercraftIsFullOfEels.\\



'''Hungarian:''' My hovercraft... ''(mimes smoking a cigarette)'' is full of eels. ''(mimes striking a match)''\\
'''Tobacconist:''' Matches! Matches? ''(picks up a box of matches)''\\
'''Hungarian:''' Yah, yah, yah, yah! ''(he takes cigarettes and matches and reads hesitantly from the phrasebook again)'' Er, do you ''wannnt''... do you ''wannnt'' to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?\\
'''Tobacconist:''' ''(thoroughly confused)'' Er, I don't think you're using that right.\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''(reading from phrasebook again)'' You great pouf.\\

to:

'''Hungarian:''' My hovercraft... ''(mimes ''[mimes smoking a cigarette)'' cigarette]'' is full of eels. ''(mimes ''[mimes striking a match)''\\
match]''\\
'''Tobacconist:''' Matches! Matches? ''(picks ''[picks up a box of matches)''\\
matches]''\\
'''Hungarian:''' Yah, yah, yah, yah! ''(he ''[he takes cigarettes and matches and reads hesitantly from the phrasebook again)'' again]'' Er, do you ''wannnt''... do you ''wannnt'' to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?\\
'''Tobacconist:''' ''(thoroughly confused)'' ''[thoroughly confused]'' Er, I don't think you're using that right.\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''(reading ''[reading from phrasebook again)'' again]'' You great pouf.\\



'''Hungarian:''' ''(reading from phrasebook once more)'' If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I... I am no longer infected.\\
'''Tobacconist:''' ''(takes phrasebook)'' May I... may I...\\

to:

'''Hungarian:''' ''(reading ''[reading from phrasebook once more)'' more]'' If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I... I am no longer infected.\\
'''Tobacconist:''' ''(takes phrasebook)'' ''[takes phrasebook]'' May I... may I...\\



'''Tobacconist:''' It costs 6/6... ''(mumbling as he searches)'' "Costs six and..." Here we are... ''(reads from phrasebook)'' [[AsLongAsItSoundsForeign Yandelvayasna grldenwi stravenka.]] ''(the Hungarian looks very offended and punches him in the face)'' WAGHH!\\
''(a policeman walking along the street suddenly stops and puts his hand to his ear. He starts running down the street, round corner and down another street, round yet another corner and down another street into the shop)''\\

to:

'''Tobacconist:''' It costs 6/6... ''(mumbling ''[mumbling as he searches)'' searches]'' "Costs six and..." Here we are... ''(reads ''[reads from phrasebook)'' phrasebook]'' [[AsLongAsItSoundsForeign Yandelvayasna grldenwi stravenka.]] ''(the ''[the Hungarian looks very offended and punches him in the face)'' face]'' WAGHH!\\
''(a ''[a policeman walking along the street suddenly stops and puts his hand to his ear. He starts running down the street, round corner and down another street, round yet another corner and down another street into the shop)''\\shop]''\\



'''Hungarian:''' Ah. ''(opening book and pointing at policeman)'' You have beautiful thighs.\\
'''Policeman:''' ''(looks down at his thighs, then back up again; outraged)'' WHAT!?\\

to:

'''Hungarian:''' Ah. ''(opening ''[opening book and pointing at policeman)'' policeman]'' You have beautiful thighs.\\
'''Policeman:''' ''(looks ''[looks down at his thighs, then back up again; outraged)'' outraged]'' WHAT!?\\



'''Hungarian:''' ''(reading from phrasebook while pointing at policeman)'' Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait till lunchtime. ''(points at tobacconist)''\\
'''Policeman:''' RIGHT! ''(grabs the Hungarian and drags him out)''\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''(by way of protest)'' My nipples explode with delight!

to:

'''Hungarian:''' ''(reading ''[reading from phrasebook while pointing at policeman)'' policeman]'' Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait till lunchtime. ''(points ''[points at tobacconist)''\\
tobacconist]''\\
'''Policeman:''' RIGHT! ''(grabs ''[grabs the Hungarian and drags him out)''\\
out]''\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''(by ''[by way of protest)'' protest]'' My nipples explode with delight!



-->'''Chemist:''' Right, I've got some of your prescriptions here. Er... ''(looks at bottle)'' who's got the pox? ''(customers look embarrassed)'' Come on, who's got the pox?... Come ON! ''(one customer looks at the floor and raises his hand; the other customers recoil from him)'' Catch! ''(throws customer his prescription)'' Who's got... ''(looks at bottle)'' a boil on the bum? Boil on the botty? ''(throws prescription to second customer)'' Who's got the chest rash? ''(female customer raises her hand)'' Have to get a bigger bottle. Who's got... ''(looks at fourth bottle)'' who's got wind? ''(the other customers back away from the only one not to have raised his hand)'' Catch! ''(throws customer the bottle)''\\
''(cut to screen reading "THE CHEMIST SKETCH - AN APOLOGY!")''\\
'''Announcer:''' Creator/TheBBC would like to apologise for the poor quality of the writing in that sketch. [[BlatantLies It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like "bum", "knickers", "botty", or "wee-wees".]] ''(audience laughter)'' SHH!\\
''(cut to presenter in front of screen)''\\
'''Presenter:''' These are the words which are not to be used again on this programme! ''(clicks through the words [[CensoredForComedy B*M - B*TTY - P*X - KN*CKERS - KN*CKERS - W**-W**]] - [[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers SEMPRINI]])''\\
'''Young Woman:''' ''(walks on, confused)'' "Semprini"??\\
'''Presenter:''' OUT! ''(points off camera)''\\
''(cut back to chemist's; the chemist exits the back room with another bottle)''\\
'''Chemist:''' Right, who's got a boil on his semprini, then? ''(a policeman exits the back room and hauls him away)''\\
''(cut to "A LESS NAUGHTY CHEMIST'S", complete with a sign on the wall and a sign around the chemist's neck advertising this)''\\
'''Customer:''' ''(enters)'' Good morning.\\

to:

-->'''Chemist:''' Right, I've got some of your prescriptions here. Er... ''(looks ''[looks at bottle)'' bottle]'' who's got the pox? ''(customers ''[customers look embarrassed)'' embarrassed]'' Come on, who's got the pox?... Come ON! ''(one ''[one customer looks at the floor and raises his hand; the other customers recoil from him)'' him]'' Catch! ''(throws ''[throws customer his prescription)'' prescription]'' Who's got... ''(looks ''[looks at bottle)'' bottle]'' a boil on the bum? Boil on the botty? ''(throws ''[throws prescription to second customer)'' customer]'' Who's got the chest rash? ''(female ''[female customer raises her hand)'' hand]'' Have to get a bigger bottle. Who's got... ''(looks ''[looks at fourth bottle)'' bottle]'' who's got wind? ''(the ''[the other customers back away from the only one not to have raised his hand)'' hand]'' Catch! ''(throws ''[throws customer the bottle)''\\
''(cut
bottle]''\\
''[cut
to screen reading "THE CHEMIST SKETCH - AN APOLOGY!")''\\
APOLOGY!"]''\\
'''Announcer:''' Creator/TheBBC would like to apologise for the poor quality of the writing in that sketch. [[BlatantLies It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like "bum", "knickers", "botty", or "wee-wees".]] ''(audience laughter)'' ''[audience laughter]'' SHH!\\
''(cut ''[cut to presenter in front of screen)''\\
screen]''\\
'''Presenter:''' These are the words which are not to be used again on this programme! ''(clicks ''[clicks through the words [[CensoredForComedy B*M - B*TTY - P*X - KN*CKERS - KN*CKERS - W**-W**]] - [[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers SEMPRINI]])''\\
SEMPRINI]]]''\\
'''Young Woman:''' ''(walks ''[walks on, confused)'' confused]'' "Semprini"??\\
'''Presenter:''' OUT! ''(points ''[points off camera)''\\
''(cut
camera]''\\
''[cut
back to chemist's; the chemist exits the back room with another bottle)''\\
bottle]''\\
'''Chemist:''' Right, who's got a boil on his semprini, then? ''(a ''[a policeman exits the back room and hauls him away)''\\
''(cut
away]''\\
''[cut
to "A LESS NAUGHTY CHEMIST'S", complete with a sign on the wall and a sign around the chemist's neck advertising this)''\\
this]''\\
'''Customer:''' ''(enters)'' ''[enters]'' Good morning.\\



'''Customer:''' If I could walk ''that'' way, I wouldn't need after shave. ''(the chemist points accusingly at the customer; the constable appears again and carts him off)''

to:

'''Customer:''' If I could walk ''that'' way, I wouldn't need after shave. ''(the ''[the chemist points accusingly at the customer; the constable appears again and carts him off)''off]''



* The Gumbies generally were ''made'' of this trope. "I THINK WE SHOULD PUT A TAX ON ALL PEOPLE WHO STAND IN WATER." ''(realizes that he's standing in water)'' "OH!"

to:

* The Gumbies generally were ''made'' of this trope. "I THINK WE SHOULD PUT A TAX ON ALL PEOPLE WHO STAND IN WATER." ''(realizes ''[realizes that he's standing in water)'' water]'' "OH!"



-->'''Person #1''' (''inquiring how much time has elapsed''): How long is it?\\

to:

-->'''Person #1''' (''inquiring ''[inquiring how much time has elapsed''): elapsed]'': How long is it?\\



''(repeat, until)''\\

to:

''(repeat, until)''\\''[repeat, until]''\\



* "Conjuring Today": Good evening. Last week we learned how to saw a lady in half. This week we're going to learn how to saw a lady in three bits and dispose of the body-WHOA! (gets chased off by police)

to:

* "Conjuring Today": Good evening. Last week we learned how to saw a lady in half. This week we're going to learn how to saw a lady in three bits and dispose of the body-WHOA! (gets ''[gets chased off by police)police]''



-->'''Announcer''': Yes! Whenever bicycles are broken, or menaced by International Communism, Bicycle Repair Man is ready! [[DirtyCommunists Ready to smash the communists, wipe them out, and shove them off the face of the earth!]]... ''(voice rises hysterically)'' Mash that dirty red scum, kick 'em in the teeth where it hurts! Kill! Kill! Kill! The filthy bastard commies, I hate 'em! I hate 'em! AAAUUUUUUURRRRGH!\\

to:

-->'''Announcer''': Yes! Whenever bicycles are broken, or menaced by International Communism, Bicycle Repair Man is ready! [[DirtyCommunists Ready to smash the communists, wipe them out, and shove them off the face of the earth!]]... ''(voice ''[voice rises hysterically)'' hysterically]'' Mash that dirty red scum, kick 'em in the teeth where it hurts! Kill! Kill! Kill! The filthy bastard commies, I hate 'em! I hate 'em! AAAUUUUUUURRRRGH!\\



'''Announcer''': ''(calming down immediately)'' Coming, dear! ''(exits, followed by the knight with the chicken)''

to:

'''Announcer''': ''(calming ''[calming down immediately)'' immediately]'' Coming, dear! ''(exits, ''[exits, followed by the knight with the chicken)''chicken]''



''(cut to eight solders in two ranks of four, standing at ease)''\\
'''Sergeant:''' ''(off-screen)'' Atten... SHUN! ''(the soldiers snap to attention)''\\
'''Soldiers:''' ''(shouting in unison)'' My goodness me, I am in a bad temper today all right, two, three, damn, damn, two, three, I am vexed and ratty, ''(shaking fists)'' two, three, and hopping mad. ''(they stamp their feet twice while gesturing with their fists)''\\

to:

''(cut ''[cut to eight solders in two ranks of four, standing at ease)''\\
ease]''\\
'''Sergeant:''' ''(off-screen)'' ''[off-screen]'' Atten... SHUN! ''(the ''[the soldiers snap to attention)''\\
attention]''\\
'''Soldiers:''' ''(shouting ''[shouting in unison)'' unison]'' My goodness me, I am in a bad temper today all right, two, three, damn, damn, two, three, I am vexed and ratty, ''(shaking fists)'' ''[shaking fists]'' two, three, and hopping mad. ''(they ''[they stamp their feet twice while gesturing with their fists)''\\fists]''\\



''(cut to sergeant with eight different soldiers standing at ease)''\\
'''Sergeant:''' ''(shouting)'' SQUAD... Camp it... up! ''(the soldiers snap to attention)''\\
'''Soldiers:''' ''(chanting in unison whilst mincing)'' Oooh! Get her! Whoops! I've got your number ducky. You couldn't afford me, dear, two, three. ''(making scratching gesture while executing right dress)'' I'd scratch your eyes out. ''(kicking chorus line style)'' Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. ''(on "military", they salute; on "fairy", they adopt a ballet pose; they then turn about and mince toward the back wall, then turn left and continue mincing)'' Whoops! Don't look now, girls, the major's just minced in with that dolly colour sergeant, two, three, ooh-ho! ''(they turn left, bring their fingers to their chins camply, then stand at ease)''

to:

''(cut ''[cut to sergeant with eight different soldiers standing at ease)''\\
ease]''\\
'''Sergeant:''' ''(shouting)'' ''[shouting]'' SQUAD... Camp it... up! ''(the ''[the soldiers snap to attention)''\\
attention]''\\
'''Soldiers:''' ''(chanting ''[chanting in unison whilst mincing)'' mincing]'' Oooh! Get her! Whoops! I've got your number ducky. You couldn't afford me, dear, two, three. ''(making ''[making scratching gesture while executing right dress)'' dress]'' I'd scratch your eyes out. ''(kicking ''[kicking chorus line style)'' style]'' Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. ''(on ''[on "military", they salute; on "fairy", they adopt a ballet pose; they then turn about and mince toward the back wall, then turn left and continue mincing)'' mincing]'' Whoops! Don't look now, girls, the major's just minced in with that dolly colour sergeant, two, three, ooh-ho! ''(they ''[they turn left, bring their fingers to their chins camply, then stand at ease)''ease]''



''(a couple are watching their cat through the back window; the cat sits motionless on the lawn. A car is heard pulling up in front of the house; the door is heard opening and closing)''\\

to:

''(a ''[a couple are watching their cat through the back window; the cat sits motionless on the lawn. A car is heard pulling up in front of the house; the door is heard opening and closing)''\\closing]''\\



'''Wife:''' I'd better go and let him in. ''(hurries off and returns with the vet)'' It's the vet, dear.\\

to:

'''Wife:''' I'd better go and let him in. ''(hurries ''[hurries off and returns with the vet)'' vet]'' It's the vet, dear.\\



'''Vet:''' ''(dramatically)'' Is he... ''dead?''\\

to:

'''Vet:''' ''(dramatically)'' ''[dramatically]'' Is he... ''dead?''\\



'''Vet:''' ''(even more dramatically)'' Thank God for that. ''(directly to camera)'' For one ''ghastly'' moment I thought I was... ''too late.'' ''(to different camera)'' If only more people would call in the nick of time!\\

to:

'''Vet:''' ''(even ''[even more dramatically)'' dramatically]'' Thank God for that. ''(directly ''[directly to camera)'' camera]'' For one ''ghastly'' moment I thought I was... ''too late.'' ''(to ''[to different camera)'' camera]'' If only more people would call in the nick of time!\\



'''Wife:''' Definitely... ''(Husband opens his mouth to speak)'' Sh! Yes.\\
'''Vet:''' Hm. I see. Well I think I may be able to help you. You see... ''(he goes over to armchair and sits down, then gestures to the couple to do the same, which they do as he crosses his legs, pulls his glasses out of his blazer pocket and puts them on, and puts his fingertips together to look suitably serious and professional)'' Your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience... what we Vets call ''environment''. Failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli. A ball of string, a nice... ''(licks lips hungrily)'' juicy mouse, a bird. ''(removes glasses dramatically)'' To be blunt, your cat is in a rut. ''(the couple look distraught)'' It's the old... ''(replaces glasses)'' stockbroker syndrome, the suburban ''fin de siècle'' ennui, angst, ''weltschmertz'', call it what you will.\\
'''Wife:''' ''(dabbing her eyes with a hankie)'' Moping.\\
'''Vet:''' In a way, in a way... ''(to himself)'' Hm, "moping", I must remember that.
** The vet calls in a professional Confuse-A-Cat service, which operates much like a military operation complete with a harsh drill sergeant ("WAIT FOR IT!") and ranking officer to oversee it. They then put on a bizarre stage act in front of said cat in to shake it out of its moping.

to:

'''Wife:''' Definitely... ''(Husband ''[Husband opens his mouth to speak)'' speak]'' Sh! Yes.\\
'''Vet:''' Hm. I see. Well I think I may be able to help you. You see... ''(he ''[he goes over to armchair and sits down, then gestures to the couple to do the same, which they do as he crosses his legs, pulls his glasses out of his blazer pocket and puts them on, and puts his fingertips together to look suitably serious and professional)'' professional]'' Your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience... what we Vets call ''environment''. Failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli. A ball of string, a nice... ''(licks ''[licks lips hungrily)'' hungrily]'' juicy mouse, a bird. ''(removes ''[removes glasses dramatically)'' dramatically]'' To be blunt, your cat is in a rut. ''(the ''[the couple look distraught)'' distraught]'' It's the old... ''(replaces glasses)'' ''[replaces glasses]'' stockbroker syndrome, the suburban ''fin de siècle'' ennui, angst, ''weltschmertz'', call it what you will.\\
'''Wife:''' ''(dabbing ''[dabbing her eyes with a hankie)'' hankie]'' Moping.\\
'''Vet:''' In a way, in a way... ''(to himself)'' ''[to himself]'' Hm, "moping", I must remember that.
** The vet calls in a professional Confuse-A-Cat service, which operates much like a military operation complete with a harsh drill sergeant ("WAIT FOR IT!") and ranking officer to oversee it. They then put on a bizarre stage act in front of said cat in to shake it out of its moping. Said stage act involves Long John Silver delivering an introduction before vanishing into thin air, followed by a strange boxing match in which different hats appear and disappear on the fighters' heads and a chase scene involving a man in a towel, a man in a penguin suit on a pogo stick, a man dressed as Napoleon, and a policeman.



'''"Mr. Nudge":''' Well, I mean, er... ''(chuckles nervously)'' I mean, you're a man of the world, aren't you. I mean... you've been there, haven't you? I mean, you've been around, eh?\\
'''Man:''' ''(folds arms and glares at "Mr. Nudge")'' What do you mean?...\\
'''"Mr. Nudge":''' Well, I mean, like, you've, er, you've, you've done it. ''(looks around self-consciously)'' I mean, like, you know, you've slept... with a ''lady.''\\

to:

'''"Mr. Nudge":''' Well, I mean, er... ''(chuckles nervously)'' ''[chuckles nervously]'' I mean, you're a man of the world, aren't you. I mean... you've been there, haven't you? I mean, you've been around, eh?\\
'''Man:''' ''(folds ''[folds arms and glares at "Mr. Nudge")'' Nudge"]'' What do you mean?...\\
'''"Mr. Nudge":''' Well, I mean, like, you've, er, you've, you've done it. ''(looks ''[looks around self-consciously)'' self-consciously]'' I mean, like, you know, you've slept... with a ''lady.''\\



'''"Mr. Nudge":''' ''(eagerly)'' What's it like?\\
''(quick zoom in on the stunned man's face; huge artificial laugh from laugh track over groan from real studio audience)''

to:

'''"Mr. Nudge":''' ''(eagerly)'' ''[eagerly]'' What's it like?\\
''(quick ''[quick zoom in on the stunned man's face; huge artificial laugh from laugh track over groan from real studio audience)''audience]''



-->'''Host:''' ''(in a serious tone)'' But as you know on this programme we're not just prejudiced against race or colour. ''(cheerfully)'' We're also prejudiced against - yes, you've guessed, ''stinking homosexuals!''

to:

-->'''Host:''' ''(in ''[in a serious tone)'' tone]'' But as you know on this programme we're not just prejudiced against race or colour. ''(cheerfully)'' ''[cheerfully]'' We're also prejudiced against - yes, you've guessed, ''stinking homosexuals!''



** "I think there should be more race prejudice." ''(slapped)'' "Less!" "Less race prejudice."

to:

** "I think there should be more race prejudice." ''(slapped)'' ''[slapped]'' "Less!" "Less race prejudice."



-->'''Compère:''' Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Refreshment Room here at Bletchley. My name is Kenny Lust and I'm your compère for tonight. You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege, to welcome here at the Refreshment Room, some of the truly great international artists of our time. And tonight we have one such artist. Ladies and gentlemen, someone whom I've always personally admired, perhaps more deeply, more strongly, more abjectly than ever before. A man, well more than a man, a god, a great god, whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful my feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. ''(by now on his knees)'' Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean until holes wore through my tongue, a man who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth, than dare tread on the same stage with him. Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink!\\

to:

-->'''Compère:''' Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Refreshment Room here at Bletchley. My name is Kenny Lust and I'm your compère for tonight. You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege, to welcome here at the Refreshment Room, some of the truly great international artists of our time. And tonight we have one such artist. Ladies and gentlemen, someone whom I've always personally admired, perhaps more deeply, more strongly, more abjectly than ever before. A man, well more than a man, a god, a great god, whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful my feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. ''(by ''[by now on his knees)'' knees]'' Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean until holes wore through my tongue, a man who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth, than dare tread on the same stage with him. Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink!\\



'''Compère:''' ''(standing up)'' Never mind, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

to:

'''Compère:''' ''(standing up)'' ''[standing up]'' Never mind, it's not all it's cracked up to be.



-->'''Chapman''' (in a ballroom dress): George?\\
'''Jones''' (in a tuxedo): Yes Gladys?\\

to:

-->'''Chapman''' (in [in a ballroom dress): dress]: George?\\
'''Jones''' (in [in a tuxedo): tuxedo]: Yes Gladys?\\



''(Chapman slaps him around with a newspaper)''

to:

''(Chapman ''[Chapman slaps him around with a newspaper)''newspaper]''



-->'''Mr Verity:''' ''(after Mr Lambert has [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext put a paper bag on his head because the customer said "mattress"]])'' Did you say "mattress"?\\

to:

-->'''Mr Verity:''' ''(after ''[after Mr Lambert has [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext put a paper bag on his head because the customer said "mattress"]])'' "mattress"]]]'' Did you say "mattress"?\\



'''Mr Verity:''' I did ask you ''not'' to say "mattress", didn't I? Now I've got to stand in the tea chest. ''(drags a tea chest onto screen, climbs into it and starts singing'' 'Jerusalem' ''at the top of his lungs)''

to:

'''Mr Verity:''' I did ask you ''not'' to say "mattress", didn't I? Now I've got to stand in the tea chest. ''(drags ''[drags a tea chest onto screen, climbs into it and starts singing'' singing 'Jerusalem' ''at at the top of his lungs)''lungs]''



-->'''Woman in Street:''' ''(seductively)'' I am not a man, you silly billy.\\
'''Man on Roof:''' ''(pours himself some tea from a thermos, then sees camera)'' I'm not in the street, you fairy!\\
'''Man in Street:''' Well, er, speaking as a man in the street- ''(gets run over by car)'' WAAGH!\\

to:

-->'''Woman in Street:''' ''(seductively)'' ''[seductively]'' I am not a man, you silly billy.\\
'''Man on Roof:''' ''(pours ''[pours himself some tea from a thermos, then sees camera)'' camera]'' I'm not in the street, you fairy!\\
'''Man in Street:''' Well, er, speaking as a man in the street- ''(gets ''[gets run over by car)'' car]'' WAAGH!\\



'''Interviewer:''' Just how relevant are contemporary customs regulations and currency restrictions in a modern expanding industrial economy? ''(the man looks even more confused)'' Oh, ''never mind''...\\

to:

'''Interviewer:''' Just how relevant are contemporary customs regulations and currency restrictions in a modern expanding industrial economy? ''(the ''[the man looks even more confused)'' confused]'' Oh, ''never mind''...\\



'''Gumby:''' ''(getting up from a deckchair)'' Well I, I think that, er, nobody who has gone abroad should be allowed back in the country! I mean, er, blimey, blimey, if they're not keen enough to stay here when they're ''[='ere=]'', why should we allow them back, er, at the taxpayer's expense?! I mean, be fair, I mean, I don't eat squirrels, do I!? I mean, well, perhaps I do, one or two, but there's no law against that, is there!? It's a free country! ''(the knight with the rubber chicken enters)'' I mean if I want to eat a squirrel now and again, that's me own business, innit?! I mean, I'm no racialist! I, oh, oh... ''(notices the knight and covers his head in anticipation; the knight slams him in the stomach with the rubber chicken instead)''

to:

'''Gumby:''' ''(getting ''[getting up from a deckchair)'' deckchair]'' Well I, I think that, er, nobody who has gone abroad should be allowed back in the country! I mean, er, blimey, blimey, if they're not keen enough to stay here when they're ''[='ere=]'', why should we allow them back, er, at the taxpayer's expense?! I mean, be fair, I mean, I don't eat squirrels, do I!? I mean, well, perhaps I do, one or two, but there's no law against that, is there!? It's a free country! ''(the ''[the knight with the rubber chicken enters)'' enters]'' I mean if I want to eat a squirrel now and again, that's me own business, innit?! I mean, I'm no racialist! I, oh, oh... ''(notices ''[notices the knight and covers his head in anticipation; the knight slams him in the stomach with the rubber chicken instead)''instead]''



--->'''Presenter:''' ''(talking at breakneck speed)'' Good evening. Tonight, ''Spectrum'' looks at one of the major problems in the world today - that old vexed question of what is going on. Is there still time to confront it, let alone solve it, or is it too late? What are the figures, what are the facts, what do people mean when they talk about ''things''? Alexander Hardacre of the Economic Affairs Bureau.\\
'''Hardacre:''' ''(standing in front of bar chart with three columns; he speaks with the same intensity as the presenter)'' In this graph, this column represents 23% of the population. This column represents 2''8''% of the population. And this column represents ''43%'' of the population.\\
'''Presenter:''' Telling figures indeed, but what do they mean to you, what do they mean to me, what do they mean to the average man in the street? With me now is Professor Tiddles of Leeds University. ''(pull out to reveal Tiddles sitting next to presenter)'' Professor, you've spent many years researching into things, what do you think?\\

to:

--->'''Presenter:''' ''(talking ''[talking at breakneck speed)'' speed]'' Good evening. Tonight, ''Spectrum'' looks at one of the major problems in the world today - that old vexed question of what is going on. Is there still time to confront it, let alone solve it, or is it too late? What are the figures, what are the facts, what do people mean when they talk about ''things''? Alexander Hardacre of the Economic Affairs Bureau.\\
'''Hardacre:''' ''(standing ''[standing in front of bar chart with three columns; he speaks with the same intensity as the presenter)'' presenter]'' In this graph, this column represents 23% of the population. This column represents 2''8''% of the population. And this column represents ''43%'' of the population.\\
'''Presenter:''' Telling figures indeed, but what do they mean to you, what do they mean to me, what do they mean to the average man in the street? With me now is Professor Tiddles of Leeds University. ''(pull ''[pull out to reveal Tiddles sitting next to presenter)'' presenter]'' Professor, you've spent many years researching into things, what do you think?\\



'''Presenter:''' ''(shown in close-up again, speaking even faster)'' "Too early to tell", too early to say, it means the same thing. The word "say" is the same as the word "tell". They're not spelt the same, but they mean the same. It's an identical situation we have with "ship" and "boat". ''(holds up signs saying 'SHIP' and 'BOAT')'' But not the same as we have with "bow" and "bough" ''(holds up signs saying 'BOW' and 'BOUGH')'', they're spelt differently, mean different things but sound the same. ''(holds up signs saying 'SO' and 'THERE')'' But the real question remains. What is the solution, if any, to this problem? What can we do? What am I saying? Why am I sitting in this chair? Why am I on this programme? And what am I going to say next? Here to answer this is a professional cricketer.\\

to:

'''Presenter:''' ''(shown ''[shown in close-up again, speaking even faster)'' faster]'' "Too early to tell", too early to say, it means the same thing. The word "say" is the same as the word "tell". They're not spelt the same, but they mean the same. It's an identical situation we have with "ship" and "boat". ''(holds ''[holds up signs saying 'SHIP' and 'BOAT')'' 'BOAT']'' But not the same as we have with "bow" and "bough" ''(holds ''[holds up signs saying 'BOW' and 'BOUGH')'', 'BOUGH']'', they're spelt differently, mean different things but sound the same. ''(holds ''[holds up signs saying 'SO' and 'THERE')'' 'THERE']'' But the real question remains. What is the solution, if any, to this problem? What can we do? What am I saying? Why am I sitting in this chair? Why am I on this programme? And what am I going to say next? Here to answer this is a professional cricketer.\\



'''Presenter:''' Well, you were wrong. Professor? ''(pull out to reveal Tiddles still sitting next to the presenter)''\\

to:

'''Presenter:''' Well, you were wrong. Professor? ''(pull ''[pull out to reveal Tiddles still sitting next to the presenter)''\\presenter]''\\



'''Presenter:''' ''(shown in close-up again, speaking faster still)'' Hello. So where do we stand? Where do we stand? Where do we sit? Where do we come? Where do we go? What do we do? What do we say? What do we eat? What do we drink? What do we think? What do we do?\\
''(cut to sped up footage of the London to Brighton train, which eventually enters a tunnel; there is a loud crash)''\\
'''Railway Signalman:''' ''(leaning out of the window of his signal box, shouts)'' Sor-ree! ''(is dragged back in by a growling bear)''[[note]] A CallBack to the opening scene of the episode.[[/note]]

to:

'''Presenter:''' ''(shown ''[shown in close-up again, speaking faster still)'' still]'' Hello. So where do we stand? Where do we stand? Where do we sit? Where do we come? Where do we go? What do we do? What do we say? What do we eat? What do we drink? What do we think? What do we do?\\
''(cut ''[cut to sped up footage of the London to Brighton train, which eventually enters a tunnel; there is a loud crash)''\\
crash]''\\
'''Railway Signalman:''' ''(leaning ''[leaning out of the window of his signal box, shouts)'' shouts]'' Sor-ree! ''(is ''[is dragged back in by a growling bear)''[[note]] bear]''[[note]] A CallBack to the opening scene of the episode.[[/note]]



'''Bimmler:''' ''[[PaperThinDisguise (thinly disguised as a yokel, complete with swastika armband)]]'' Oh yes, Britischer pals, he is wunderbar... ful. So. ''(takes a puff on a cigarette and waves)''\\

to:

'''Bimmler:''' ''[[PaperThinDisguise (thinly disguised as a yokel, complete with swastika armband)]]'' Oh yes, Britischer pals, he is wunderbar... ful. So. ''(takes ''[takes a puff on a cigarette and waves)''\\waves]''\\



'''Tory Candidate:''' Well speaking as Conservative candidate, I just drone on and on and on, never letting anyone else get a word in edgeways, until I start foaming at the mouth and fall over backwards. ''(he foams at the mouth and falls over backwards)''\\
''(cut to ''Spectrum'' presenter at his desk)''\\
'''Presenter:''' ''(speaking as rapidly as ever)'' Foam at the mouth and fall over backwards. Is he foaming at the mouth to fall over backwards or falling over backwards to foam at the mouth? Tonight, ''Spectrum'' examines the whole question of frothing and falling, coughing and calling, screaming and bawling, walling and stalling, galling and mauling, palling and hauling, trawling and squalling and zalling. Zalling? Is there a word "zalling"? If there is, what does it mean? If there isn't, what does it mean? Perhaps both, maybe neither. What do I mean by the word "mean"? What do I mean by the word "word"? What do I mean by "what do I mean"? What do I mean by "do", and what do I do by "mean"? What do I do by do by do, and what do I do by wasting your time like this? Good night.

to:

'''Tory Candidate:''' Well speaking as Conservative candidate, I just drone on and on and on, never letting anyone else get a word in edgeways, until I start foaming at the mouth and fall over backwards. ''(he ''[he foams at the mouth and falls over backwards)''\\
''(cut
backwards]''\\
''[cut
to ''Spectrum'' presenter at his desk)''\\
desk]''\\
'''Presenter:''' ''(speaking ''[speaking as rapidly as ever)'' ever]'' Foam at the mouth and fall over backwards. Is he foaming at the mouth to fall over backwards or falling over backwards to foam at the mouth? Tonight, ''Spectrum'' examines the whole question of frothing and falling, coughing and calling, screaming and bawling, walling and stalling, galling and mauling, palling and hauling, trawling and squalling and zalling. Zalling? Is there a word "zalling"? If there is, what does it mean? If there isn't, what does it mean? Perhaps both, maybe neither. What do I mean by the word "mean"? What do I mean by the word "word"? What do I mean by "what do I mean"? What do I mean by "do", and what do I do by "mean"? What do I do by do by do, and what do I do by wasting your time like this? Good night.



---->'''Commentator:''' ''(as the starter fires his pistol)'' THEY'RE OFF! ''(no reaction from the twits)'' ...oh, no, they're not. ''(the "crowd" mutter in disappointment)'' No, they didn't realize they were supposed to start...

to:

---->'''Commentator:''' ''(as ''[as the starter fires his pistol)'' pistol]'' THEY'RE OFF! ''(no ''[no reaction from the twits)'' ...twits]'' ...oh, no, they're not. ''(the ''[the "crowd" mutter in disappointment)'' disappointment]'' No, they didn't realize they were supposed to start...



---->'''Commentator:''' ''(as Vivian hops over the wall)'' The jump of a lifetime, if only his father could understand!\\
''(later, as Oliver tries and fails yet again to jump the wall)'' He doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy! He doesn't know when he's winning either! He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus!

to:

---->'''Commentator:''' ''(as ''[as Vivian hops over the wall)'' wall]'' The jump of a lifetime, if only his father could understand!\\
''(later, ''[later, as Oliver tries and fails yet again to jump the wall)'' wall]'' He doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy! He doesn't know when he's winning either! He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus!



---->'''Commentator:''' ''(shot of Oliver, dead beneath the wheel of the sports car in the "backing over the old lady" obstacle)'' And Oliver has ''run himself over!'' What a great twit!\\
''(as the other twits attempt to remove the bras from four otherwise bare shop dummies, the camera cuts back to Oliver's body)'' No! There's Oliver, he's dead, but he's not necessarily out of it!

to:

---->'''Commentator:''' ''(shot ''[shot of Oliver, dead beneath the wheel of the sports car in the "backing over the old lady" obstacle)'' obstacle]'' And Oliver has ''run himself over!'' What a great twit!\\
''(as ''[as the other twits attempt to remove the bras from four otherwise bare shop dummies, the camera cuts back to Oliver's body)'' body]'' No! There's Oliver, he's dead, but he's not necessarily out of it!



'''Bear:''' ''(shakes head)''\\
'''Policeman Who Can Only Hear Low Frequencies:''' ''(sings)'' NOOOO!\\
'''Policeman Who Can Only Hear High Frequencies:''' ''(deep voice)'' No.\\

to:

'''Bear:''' ''(shakes head)''\\
''[shakes head]''\\
'''Policeman Who Can Only Hear Low Frequencies:''' ''(sings)'' ''[sings]'' NOOOO!\\
'''Policeman Who Can Only Hear High Frequencies:''' ''(deep voice)'' ''[deep voice]'' No.\\



'''[[UpperClassTwit Nigel Incubator-Jones]]:''' ''(thinking hard)'' Ahh... no.\\

to:

'''[[UpperClassTwit Nigel Incubator-Jones]]:''' ''(thinking hard)'' ''[thinking hard]'' Ahh... no.\\



'''[[ThoseWackyNazis Bimmler]]:''' [[GratuitousGerman Nein.]] ''("Hilter" elbows him)'' No!\\

to:

'''[[ThoseWackyNazis Bimmler]]:''' [[GratuitousGerman Nein.]] ''("Hilter" ''["Hilter" elbows him)'' him]'' No!\\



'''Tory Candidate:''' ''(lying on pavement)'' No, no, no, no...\\
'''[[MotorMouth Spectrum Presenter]]:''' ''(gets up and walks around to the front of his desk, speaking as quickly as ever)'' What do we mean by "no"? What do we mean by "yes"? What do we mean by "no, no, no"? Tonight, ''Spectrum'' looks at the whole question of what is "no". What is not "no"... ''(the 16-ton weight falls on top of him)''

to:

'''Tory Candidate:''' ''(lying ''[lying on pavement)'' pavement]'' No, no, no, no...\\
'''[[MotorMouth Spectrum Presenter]]:''' ''(gets ''[gets up and walks around to the front of his desk, speaking as quickly as ever)'' ever]'' What do we mean by "no"? What do we mean by "yes"? What do we mean by "no, no, no"? Tonight, ''Spectrum'' looks at the whole question of what is "no". What is not "no"... ''(the ''[the 16-ton weight falls on top of him)''him]''



--->''(cut to an outraged Scott in his study)''\\

to:

--->''(cut --->''[cut to an outraged Scott in his study)''\\study]''\\



''(cut to Dickens in HIS study)''\\

to:

''(cut ''[cut to Dickens in HIS study)''\\study]''\\



'''Frog:''' ''(smiles)'' ''S.'' Frog, sir-\\
'''Manager:''' Shut up. ''(Frog's smile fades)'' I want to have a word with you, Frog.\\
'''Frog:''' ''(smiles)'' ''S.'' Frog, sir-\\
'''Manager:''' Shut up. ''(Frog's smile fades)''

to:

'''Frog:''' ''(smiles)'' ''[smiles]'' ''S.'' Frog, sir-\\
'''Manager:''' Shut up. ''(Frog's ''[Frog's smile fades)'' fades]'' I want to have a word with you, Frog.\\
'''Frog:''' ''(smiles)'' ''[smiles]'' ''S.'' Frog, sir-\\
'''Manager:''' Shut up. ''(Frog's ''[Frog's smile fades)''fades]''



** Frog gets out of punishment by telling his boss, "Sorry, Father. ''(holds up "[[AC:JOKE]]" sign)''" His boss then tells him his film has won a prize. Cut to a clifftop, Music/FelixMendelssohn's "Hebrides" Overture playing on the soundtrack... until the gramophone on which it is playing gets stuck. The Announcer lifts the needle, apologises, and says, "And now for something completely di-completely di-completely di-completely di-completely di-completely different." Cue the "It's" man and the opening credits... which ''also'' get stuck about fifteen seconds in.

to:

** Frog gets out of punishment by telling his boss, "Sorry, Father. ''(holds ''[holds up "[[AC:JOKE]]" sign)''" sign]''" His boss then tells him his film has won a prize. Cut to a clifftop, Music/FelixMendelssohn's "Hebrides" Overture playing on the soundtrack... until the gramophone on which it is playing gets stuck. The Announcer lifts the needle, apologises, and says, "And now for something completely di-completely di-completely di-completely di-completely di-completely different." Cue the "It's" man and the opening credits... which ''also'' get stuck about fifteen seconds in.



-->'''Frontwoman:''' Good evening. My name is Leapy Lee. ''(frowns)'' No, sorry, that's the name of me favourite singer. ''(smiles)'' My name is Mrs. Fred Stolle. ''(frowns again)'' No no, Mrs. Fred Stolle is the wife of me favourite tennis player. ''(smiles again)'' My name is Bananas- no, no, that's me favourite fruit. I'm Mrs. A Nice Evening Out at the Pictures Then Perhaps a Dance at a Club Then Back to His Place for a Quick Cup of Coffee and a Little Bit of- no! No, sorry... that's me favourite way of spending a night out. ''(thinks)'' Perhaps I am Leapy Lee. Yes, I must be Leapy Lee! Hello fans, Leapy Lee here! ''(sings)'' "Little arrows that will ke-" ''(phone rings; she answers)'' Hello? ''(to camera)'' Evidently I'm not Leapy Lee. Thought I probably wouldn't be. ''(into phone)'' Thank you, I'll tell them. ''(hangs up)'' Hello, Denis Compton here- no no, no no, I should have written it down. ''(looks in her handbag)'' Now where's that number? I'm Mao Tse-tung, I'm P.P. Arnold, I'm Margaret Thatcher, I'm Sir Gerald Nabarro... ''(picks up phone and dials the operator)'' Hello? Sir Len Hutton here. Could you tell me please- oh, am I? Oh, thank you! ''(hangs up and smiles to camera)'' Good evening. I'm Mrs. What Number Are You Dialing Please. ''(a boxer jumps into frame and knocks her out with one punch; cut to stock footage of Women's Institute applauding)''

to:

-->'''Frontwoman:''' Good evening. My name is Leapy Lee. ''(frowns)'' ''[frowns]'' No, sorry, that's the name of me favourite singer. ''(smiles)'' ''[smiles]'' My name is Mrs. Fred Stolle. ''(frowns again)'' ''[frowns again]'' No no, Mrs. Fred Stolle is the wife of me favourite tennis player. ''(smiles again)'' ''[smiles again]'' My name is Bananas- no, no, that's me favourite fruit. I'm Mrs. A Nice Evening Out at the Pictures Then Perhaps a Dance at a Club Then Back to His Place for a Quick Cup of Coffee and a Little Bit of- no! No, sorry... that's me favourite way of spending a night out. ''(thinks)'' ''[thinks]'' Perhaps I am Leapy Lee. Yes, I must be Leapy Lee! Hello fans, Leapy Lee here! ''(sings)'' ''[sings]'' "Little arrows that will ke-" ''(phone ''[phone rings; she answers)'' answers]'' Hello? ''(to camera)'' ''[to camera]'' Evidently I'm not Leapy Lee. Thought I probably wouldn't be. ''(into phone)'' ''[into phone]'' Thank you, I'll tell them. ''(hangs up)'' ''[hangs up]'' Hello, Denis Compton here- no no, no no, I should have written it down. ''(looks ''[looks in her handbag)'' handbag]'' Now where's that number? I'm Mao Tse-tung, I'm P.P. Arnold, I'm Margaret Thatcher, I'm Sir Gerald Nabarro... ''(picks ''[picks up phone and dials the operator)'' operator]'' Hello? Sir Len Hutton here. Could you tell me please- oh, am I? Oh, thank you! ''(hangs ''[hangs up and smiles to camera)'' camera]'' Good evening. I'm Mrs. What Number Are You Dialing Please. ''(a ''[a boxer jumps into frame and knocks her out with one punch; cut to stock footage of Women's Institute applauding)''applauding]''



--->'''Ralph''': ''(Knocks the cereal box off of the table)'' Oh, sorry, mum ... Now if we lived in Rhodesia there'd be someone to mop that up for you.\\

to:

--->'''Ralph''': ''(Knocks ''[knocks the cereal box off of the table)'' table]'' Oh, sorry, mum ... Now if we lived in Rhodesia there'd be someone to mop that up for you.\\



''(Later)''\\

to:

''(Later)''\\''[Later]''\\



-->'''Michael Miles:''' Your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: what great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states? ''(as he reads the question, the pepperpot stops fidgeting, her smile fades, and her shoulders sag)''\\

to:

-->'''Michael Miles:''' Your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: what great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states? ''(as ''[as he reads the question, the pepperpot stops fidgeting, her smile fades, and her shoulders sag)''\\sag]''\\



'''Michael Miles:''' ''(long forced laugh)'' Who does?? ''(another long forced laugh)''

to:

'''Michael Miles:''' ''(long ''[long forced laugh)'' laugh]'' Who does?? ''(another ''[another long forced laugh)''laugh]''



-->'''Announcer:''' Here is a preview of some of the programmes you'll be able to see coming shortly on BBC Television. To kick off with, there's ''variety''. Peter West and Brian Johnston ''(picture of West and Johnston)'' star in ''Rain Stopped Play'', a wacky new comedy series about the gay exploits of two television cricket commentators. With E.W. Swanton ''(picture of Swanton)'' as Aggie, the kooky Scots maid. For those of you who don't like variety, there's ''variety'', with Brian Close ''(stock picture of Close playing cricket with background replaced by a theatre curtain)'' as the Talk of the Town. And of course, there'll be sport.\\
The Classics series ''(title card for "THE CLASSICS")'' returns to [=BBC2=] with 26 episodes of Creator/JohnGalsworthy's ''Snooker My Way''. With Nyree Dawn Porter repeating her triumph as Joe Davis. ''(mockup of Porter standing by a billiard table)'' And of course, there'll be sport.\\
Comedy is not forgotten with Jim Laker ''(picture of Laker)'' in thirteen weeks of off-spin bowling. Jim plays the zany bachelor bowler in a new series of ''[='Owzat!=]'' With Anneli Drummond-Hay on Mister Softee ''(picture of said duo)'' as his wife. And of course, there'll be sport.\\
''Series/{{Panorama}}'' will be returning, introduced as usual by Tony Jacklin ''(picture of Jacklin playing golf with the background replaced by the ''Panorama'' title)'', and Lulu ''(picture of same)'' will be tackling the Old Man of Hoy. ''(picture of said rock formation against a blank background)'' And for those of you who prefer drama, there's sport.\\
The show of the week: Kenneth Wolstenholme sings ''(picture of Wolstenholme against a background of dancing girls)'', and for those of you who don't like television, there's David Coleman. ''(picture of Coleman)'' And of course, there'll be sport.\\
But now for something completely different: sport! ''(the first few notes of the ''Grandstand'' theme begin playing, but are interrupted by "The Liberty Bell March")''

to:

-->'''Announcer:''' Here is a preview of some of the programmes you'll be able to see coming shortly on BBC Television. To kick off with, there's ''variety''. Peter West and Brian Johnston ''(picture ''[picture of West and Johnston)'' Johnston]'' star in ''Rain Stopped Play'', a wacky new comedy series about the gay exploits of two television cricket commentators. With E.W. Swanton ''(picture ''[picture of Swanton)'' Swanton]'' as Aggie, the kooky Scots maid. For those of you who don't like variety, there's ''variety'', with Brian Close ''(stock ''[stock picture of Close playing cricket with background replaced by a theatre curtain)'' curtain]'' as the Talk of the Town. And of course, there'll be sport.\\
The Classics series ''(title ''[title card for "THE CLASSICS")'' CLASSICS"]'' returns to [=BBC2=] with 26 episodes of Creator/JohnGalsworthy's ''Snooker My Way''. With Nyree Dawn Porter repeating her triumph as Joe Davis. ''(mockup ''[mockup of Porter standing by a billiard table)'' table]'' And of course, there'll be sport.\\
Comedy is not forgotten with Jim Laker ''(picture ''[picture of Laker)'' Laker]'' in thirteen weeks of off-spin bowling. Jim plays the zany bachelor bowler in a new series of ''[='Owzat!=]'' With Anneli Drummond-Hay on Mister Softee ''(picture ''[picture of said duo)'' duo]'' as his wife. And of course, there'll be sport.\\
''Series/{{Panorama}}'' will be returning, introduced as usual by Tony Jacklin ''(picture ''[picture of Jacklin playing golf with the background replaced by the ''Panorama'' title)'', title]'', and Lulu ''(picture ''[picture of same)'' same]'' will be tackling the Old Man of Hoy. ''(picture ''[picture of said rock formation against a blank background)'' background]'' And for those of you who prefer drama, there's sport.\\
The show of the week: Kenneth Wolstenholme sings ''(picture ''[picture of Wolstenholme against a background of dancing girls)'', girls]'', and for those of you who don't like television, there's David Coleman. ''(picture ''[picture of Coleman)'' Coleman]'' And of course, there'll be sport.\\
But now for something completely different: sport! ''(the ''[the first few notes of the ''Grandstand'' theme begin playing, but are interrupted by "The Liberty Bell March")''March"]''



''(cut to glitzy TV studio with glitzy TV host, played by Michael Palin)''\\

to:

''(cut ''[cut to glitzy TV studio with glitzy TV host, played by Michael Palin)''\\Palin]''\\



''(applause, which cuts off suddenly, revealing it to be a recording)''\\

to:

''(applause, ''[applause, which cuts off suddenly, revealing it to be a recording)''\\recording]''\\



''(cut to Richelieu (Michael again), miming along to a recording of Petula Clark's 1967 single "Don't Sleep in the Subway", with dance moves to match)''\\

to:

''(cut ''[cut to Richelieu (Michael again), miming along to a recording of Petula Clark's 1967 single "Don't Sleep in the Subway", with dance moves to match)''\\match]''\\



''(cut back to Wiggin)''\\

to:

''(cut ''[cut back to Wiggin)''\\Wiggin]''\\



''(cut to Julius Caesar (Eric))''\\
'''Julius Caesar:''' ''(with heavy northern accent and Waring's signature vocal inflections)'' Tota Gallia divisa est in tres partes: Wigan, Hunslett, and Hull Kingston Rovers!\\
''(cut back to Wiggin)''\\
'''Wiggin:''' ''(claps)'' Well done indeed, Julius Caesar: a smile, a conquest, and a dagger up your strap. Our next challenger comes all the way from the Crimea. It's the very lovely Florence Nightingale as... Brian London.\\
''(cut to Nightingale (Graham) holding up a lamp and smiling; just as she is about to speak, a bell rings and a boxing glove-clad hand zooms in from out of shot and knocks her out. Cut back to Wiggin)''\\

to:

''(cut ''[cut to Julius Caesar (Eric))''\\
(Eric)]''\\
'''Julius Caesar:''' ''(with ''[with heavy northern accent and Waring's signature vocal inflections)'' inflections]'' Tota Gallia divisa est in tres partes: Wigan, Hunslett, and Hull Kingston Rovers!\\
''(cut ''[cut back to Wiggin)''\\
Wiggin]''\\
'''Wiggin:''' ''(claps)'' ''[claps]'' Well done indeed, Julius Caesar: a smile, a conquest, and a dagger up your strap. Our next challenger comes all the way from the Crimea. It's the very lovely Florence Nightingale as... Brian London.\\
''(cut ''[cut to Nightingale (Graham) holding up a lamp and smiling; just as she is about to speak, a bell rings and a boxing glove-clad hand zooms in from out of shot and knocks her out. Cut back to Wiggin)''\\Wiggin]''\\



''(cut to a branch of said shoe sellers, with two customers sat in adjacent chairs, one looking suspiciously like a dummy; Ivan (John) screams and chops the dummy in half with a sword, to only the slightest reaction from the other customer, then bows to the camera. Cut back to Wiggin)''\\

to:

''(cut ''[cut to a branch of said shoe sellers, with two customers sat in adjacent chairs, one looking suspiciously like a dummy; Ivan (John) screams and chops the dummy in half with a sword, to only the slightest reaction from the other customer, then bows to the camera. Cut back to Wiggin)''\\Wiggin]''\\



''(cut to animated scene in which a hand reaches into a photo of Grace and pulls his nose, causing his hat to rotate while playing a music box tune; cut back to Wiggin)''\\

to:

''(cut ''[cut to animated scene in which a hand reaches into a photo of Grace and pulls his nose, causing his hat to rotate while playing a music box tune; cut back to Wiggin)''\\Wiggin]''\\



''(cut to Napoleon (Terry Jones), suspended horizontally from wires and holding two propellers and a sign reading "R-101", grinning at the camera as "La Marseillaise" plays on the soundtrack; as soon as he is out of shot, there is a crashing sound and the camera shakes a bit. Cut back to Wiggin)''\\

to:

''(cut ''[cut to Napoleon (Terry Jones), suspended horizontally from wires and holding two propellers and a sign reading "R-101", grinning at the camera as "La Marseillaise" plays on the soundtrack; as soon as he is out of shot, there is a crashing sound and the camera shakes a bit. Cut back to Wiggin)''\\Wiggin]''\\



''(cut to same Gumby as before)''\\

to:

''(cut ''[cut to same Gumby as before)''\\before]''\\



''(cut to John the Baptist's head on a salver, sporting a fake moustache similar to Hill's; the salver is pulled out of shot by wires as noises of a race car engine play on the soundtrack; cut to Women's Institute applauding)''

to:

''(cut ''[cut to John the Baptist's head on a salver, sporting a fake moustache similar to Hill's; the salver is pulled out of shot by wires as noises of a race car engine play on the soundtrack; cut to Women's Institute applauding)''applauding]''
19th Jul '16 1:30:55 PM TheNohrianDarkKnight
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* The Burglar sketch, in which Eric Idle tells a housewife that he'd like to enter her house and steal a few things; she remains suspicious that he's actually selling encyclopaedias, but finally agrees to let him in. Sure enough, as he begins taking things from her shelves and putting them in his jacket, he muses, "Mind you, I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopaedias!"
** And that was a successful encyclopaedia salesman. An unsuccessful one is portrayed as a mannequin plummeting from a tall building.

to:

* The Burglar (who is actually an Encyclopedia Salesman) sketch, in which Eric Idle tells a housewife that he'd like to enter her house and steal a few things; she remains suspicious that he's actually selling encyclopaedias, but finally agrees to let him in. Sure enough, as he begins taking things from her shelves and putting them in his jacket, he muses, "Mind you, I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopaedias!"
** And that was a successful encyclopaedia salesman. An unsuccessful one is portrayed as a mannequin plummeting from a tall building. Followed by two more.
9th Jul '16 8:48:14 PM TheNohrianDarkKnight
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'''Instructor:''' Now, the first thing to do when you are being stalked by an ugly mob with raspberries, is to... release the tiger!\\ ''(he presses a button, and the wall opens to reveal a wooden tiger which glides along rails toward Michael and Eric; sounds of roaring and cries of pain and alarm)''\\

to:

'''Instructor:''' Now, the first thing to do when you are being stalked by an ugly mob with raspberries, is to... release the tiger!\\ tiger!\\
''(he presses a button, and the wall opens to reveal a wooden tiger which glides along rails toward Michael and Eric; sounds of roaring and cries of pain and alarm)''\\
This list shows the last 10 events of 212. Show all.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/article_history.php?article=Funny.MontyPythonsFlyingCircus