History Funny / MalcolmInTheMiddle

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--> '''Dewey (in a deadpan manner):''' The future is now, old man.

--> '''Guard:''' Shut up. You talk when I say.
--> '''Stevie:''' I'm shaking ''[breath]'' in my chair.

** Even funnier when you realize that Hal's confession about burning a hole in Lois's dress is a BrickJoke: it refers back to the events of ''episode 2'', where Lois unleashed her first on-screen hell-raising bout with the boys when she thought they ruined it and found it stuffed in the toilet. The poor attempt to hide the damage reeked of something the boys would do, and they became the unfair targets of her wrath because of their poor track record (and at the end of the episode, it's implied that Hal did it, after he had a cigar and accidentally burned a couch cushion with it. This episode outright states that Hal burned the dress).

--->'''Craig''' ''(notices he has to screw the airplane parts together)'': Dammit!! What aisle are the screwdrivers in!?!

--->'''Hal''': ''[glances at the prices]'' Oooh, pricey. ''[pulls out a wallet]'' [[TheReveal Good thing I stole some cash from your mom's wallet this morning.]]

---->'''Hal''': You think your dad being killed by a TV set is funny?! [[IWillShowYouX I'll tell you what's funny]]! Being grounded for the rest of your lives!\\
'''Malcolm''': ''(to the camera)'' After about an hour, he managed to spit a piece of glass into my lap. [[TheDeterminator You got to admire that kind of perseverance.]]\\
'''Hal''': Your children and your children's children will grow up grounded in this house!\\
'''Malcolm''': I can't understand a word he's saying, but judging by his expression, I probably shouldn't ask to borrow the car this weekend.

-->'''Hal''': Pay up, suckers! You treated your babies like they were made of glass. And now...you suffer!\\
'''Francis''' (to Lois): What are you waiting for?\\
'''Lois''': I wanna remember that goofy smile. Nobody's gonna be seeing that for a long time.

-->'''Stevie:''' You... owe me... eighty (80)... bucks!
-->'''Malcolm:''' ''[Giddily]'' Get it out my pocket.

*** The opera itself, which Dewey composed based on Lois and Hal's feud over a larger bed which turns out being Lois wanting to hide her problems with flatulence. Lois and Hal sit down along with almost everyone else they know to watch the play, and Lois says "I just hope Dewey doesn't embarrass himself." Cue the episode-ending door slam.

* Dewey's opera, which he composed based on Lois and Hal's feud over a larger bed which turns out being Lois wanting to hide her problems with flatulence. Lois and Hal sit down along with almost everyone else they know to watch the play, and say "I just hope Dewey doesn't embarrass himself." Cue the episode-ending door slam.

* When Commandant Spangler tracks Francis down in Alaska in "Dewey's Dog," Eric instinctively salutes the officer, dropping his bin full of dishes in doing so.
** Spangler then attempts to throttle Francis to death... except he doesn't get much mileage due to having two hook hands. All it really accomplishes it making Francis giggle from how cold they are.
** Meanwhile, in the main plot, Dewey winds up sneaking a stray dog into the house, which he proceeds to use against Malcolm and Reese when they're left home alone. When the dog ultimately escapes (chasing Craig, who wound up getting roped in [[HeKnowsTooMuch due to seeing too much]]), Malcolm and Reese get back at Dewey... by making him eat dog food.

* Lois wistfully looking on as her whole family (whom she ran away from after they admit they blew her birthday present money on candy) brawls with a group of clowns + Kenny Rogers' "You Decorated My Life" = Pure, triple-distilled hilarity.

** In the same episode, [[DirtyCoward Malcolm]] [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere ditching Stevie]] when they finally get back to his home, which is surrounded by cops at this point, after all the chaos of trying to return from the arcade before Stevie's parents found out.
* Malcolm spends the ColdOpen of "Krelboyne Girl" scraping the most disgusting things off the floor, the garage, and the back of the fridge onto a sandwich. Then he finally sits down to eat it and Reese immediately swoops in to steal it and take the first bite, just as Malcolm planned.
* Surreal performance piece by Dewey and babysitter (played by Creator/BeaArthur)--to the tune of ''Music/{{ABBA}}'s "Fernando" (ending with the eccentric grandmotherly woman having a stroke or a heart attack and being carted away by the paramedics).
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3ENkypXQek Cats]] [[ItMakesSenseInContext ate her face.]] Made even funnier by the casual way Hal hands the phone back to Dewey.
* In "Smunday", Lois is sick with the flu and thinks that it's Sunday (it's actually Monday), so Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey decide to skip school. They then get a call from Francis because he's worried that Lois will find out about a letter from the University of Southern Alabama involving a bill that details the extensive damages he's done to its swimming pool by driving a backhoe in it during his prank to Marlin Academy. They agree to hide the letter for him, but after discovering that he ratted on them to Lois about them selling Dewey's bike to Francis' friends (which ultimately got them grounded for 2 months), Reese and Malcolm are furious and decide to pretend to give the letter to Lois to scare Francis. But Francis knew they would do something like this, so he sent his friends to get the letter from them. It's then revealed that Malcolm OutGambitted Francis and gave a fake letter to his friends. So when Reese asks where the real letter is...

'''Richie:''' I gotta tell you, man, you're not allowing me a single creative thought here!

* On the episode where Lois gets fired from her job at Lucky Aide because the store manager (from whom Lois rips the toupee off, claiming it to be Velcro) wouldn't take back the bottle of cognac Dewey accidentally shoplifted, Malcolm's family gets some food donations from the neighbors. Malcolm and Reese don't like it, commenting on how food donations are always bad and how embarrassing it is about the family being made into a charity case. Hal doesn't believe them and asks anyone if they want the last of some olives he's been eating from a can. Lois's response upon seeing them: "Those aren't olives; those are ''peaches!''"
** As a nice little bonus: After Hal is hospitalized, he lets out a huge fart. Malcolm then awkwardly tells his brothers, "The first one to laugh gets their ass kicked".

* The montage when Hal, Dewey, and Reese decided to have fun with the wood chipper. They throw in plushies, watermelons, backpacks, all sorts of stuff, until finally, they walk up with a box of confetti and throw it in the wood chipper. Hal says, "...Obviously, we've run out of ideas."
* When Francis gets dumped by his "sweetheart" who he had ditched military school to be with, he lies down in the woods and cries out in anguish. By itself, it wouldn't be funny, but then Dewey hears his agonized bellowing from the darkness and starts throwing rocks at him, mistaking him for a monster. And then it's freakin' hilarious.

* Stevie has some great ones, but one of the best comes in an opening bit where Malcolm threatens him with a beating if he laughs at Malcolm's Shakespeare recital. Stevie's response?
-->'''Stevie:''' Bring it, >GASP< ''Homeo!''
** Another great moment: Malcolm goes after some boys who took Stevie's wheelchair and leaves his friend rolling downhill in a shopping cart. Stevie crashes and falls out; Malcolm runs over and asks if he's all right.
--->'''Stevie:''' I can't feel my legs.\\
'''Malcolm:''' ''*starts panicking, then realizes who he's talking to*'' That's not funny.

* Pilot: Dave accidentally punching Stevie (barely), and Stevie takes advantage of the ''sympathy card'' by throwing himself onto the ground, complaining about the ''"pain"''

-->'''Hal:''' ''*wins Mega Jackpot*'' Ha! What do you say to ''that'', huh!?\\
'''Malcolm:''' [[WhamLine I'd say you're having another dream, Dad.]]\\

* Hal and some other dads are in a class for bonding with their babies. After the instructor leaves they start having competitions involving the babies, which can spit up more, which can sit up on its own the longest, etc. eventually getting to them ''playing shuffleboard with the babies as the disks''. Lois and the rest of the family walk in at the exact time Hal is doing this. He wins, and starts gloating. One of the kids then asks Lois why she isn't yelling at him yet. Her response:
-->'''Lois:''' See that goofy look on his face? I want to remember that look. We're not gonna be seeing it for a long time.

-->'''Hal:''' Congratulations, guys! Now, when he [Craig] signs that confession, [[NakedPeopleAreFunny give him his clothes back]]!

* When Hal gives his testimony during the episode "Reese Joins the Army (Part 2)". During Hal's trial after getting framed as the mastermind behind his company's massive money-laundering operation, Hal uses mementos from his "memory box" to completely destroy the FBI's case against him, including a newspaper clipping that reads "Panic Attack shuts down Haunted House".

* Surreal performance piece by Dewey and babysitter (played by Creator/BeaArthur)--to the tune of ''Music/{{ABBA}}'s "Fernando" (ending with the eccentric grandmotherly woman having a stroke or a heart attack and being carted away by the paramedics). Now HarsherInHindsight thanks to Bea Arthur's death.

* Hal attempts to keep himself entertained during a motivational seminar by playing tic-tac-toe with himself. The scoreboard he drew says the match is between "Me" and "Evil Me", and "Evil Me" has won almost every match.

* Surreal performance piece by Dewey and babysitter (played by Creator/BeaArthur)--to the tune of ''Music/{{ABBA}}'s "Fernando" (ending with the eccentric grandmotherly woman having a stroke or a heart attack and being carted away by the paramedics). Now a FunnyAneurysmMoment thanks to Bea Arthur's death.

** This exchange when Francis’ friends are on the phone with him while searching for the letter, which Malcolm just hid.
--->'''Richie:''' Okay kid, you got 3 seconds to tell me, or I’m gonna pound you—\\
'''Francis:''' Richie! Which part of “No hurting my brothers” didn’t you understand?!\\
'''Richie:''' I gotta tell you, man, you’re not allowing me a single creative thought here!

''*'''huge''' frown from Hal as he realizes he's about to wake up*''

'''All three, in harmony:''' We would not lie to ''yooooooouuuuu!''