History Funny / DemolitionMan

-->'''Spartan:''' This isn't the wild west okay? Hurting people's not a good thing!\\
'''Spartan:''' [{{Beat}}]\\
'''Spartan:''' ...Well sometimes it is, but not when it's a bunch of people looking for something to eat!

'''Spartan:''' ''*impressed*'' ...Good answer!

-->'''Reporter:''' How can you justify destroying a $7 million mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000?
-->'''Girl:''' Fuck ''you'', lady!
-->'''Spartan:''' ''*impressed*'' ...Good answer!

-->'''Phoenix:''' So, what, it needs batteries? What size? I mean, where the fuck do you find batteries in the future? What, is there a battery store around, motherfucker?
-->'''Machine:''' (faintly) [[RunningGag You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute...]]
-->'''Guard:''' Excuse me, museum patron. Can I -- ''[Phoenix kills the guards]''
-->'''Phoenix:''' What, where's the Radio Shack?

--> "He finally matched his meet. You really licked his ass!"

-->'''Spartan:''' This isn't the wild west okay? Hurting people's not a good thing!
-->'''Spartan:''' [{{Beat}}]
-->'''Spartan:''' ...Well sometimes it is, but not when it's a bunch of people looking for something to eat!

-->'''Cocteau:''' Be well.
-->'''Spartan:''' Be fucked.
-->'''Machine:''' John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute--
-->'''Spartan:''' [[ShutUpHannibal *Shoots the machine, making Associate Bob faint*]]

-->'''Huxley''': ''(under her breath)'' Sanctimonius asshole.
-->'''Machine''': Lenina Huxley, you are fined one-half credit for a ''sotto voce'' violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
** Pay close attention to the scene where Phoenix shows up in Cocteau’s apartment. When Phoenix argues that “You can’t take away people’s right to be assholes,” [[{{Hypocrite}} there’s no machine there to fine him for it]].

--> "Shit! I LOVE that smell! Reminds me of biscuits and gravy!"

-->'''Huxley''': You mean ''fluid transfer''!?

--->'''Huxley:''' "You are a savage creature, John Spartan, and I wish you to leave my domicile now."
--->''*indignantly points at the door and stomps her foot like a 6-year-old*''
--->'''Spartan:''' "I... You--"
--->''*Huxley silently repeats the same gesture again*''

-->'''Spartan:''' Brake. Brake! BRAKE NOW, YOU MICKEY MOUSE PIECE OF SHIIIIIIT!

-->'''Spartan:''' What the hell happened? All of a sudden, this car turned into a cannoli!

-->'''Huxley:''' Look at you, you're in shambles!
-->'''Spartan:''' Don't worry, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread.
-->'''Huxley:''' (nods) Oh.
-->{{Beat}}
-->'''Spartan:''' [[DidIJustSayThatOutLoud I really didn't say that, did I?]] Damn it!

-->'''Erwin''': We're police officers! We're not trained to handle this kind of violence!

-->...I can see how that could be confusing.

--> '''Lenina:''' Just don't ask them where the meat comes from.

--> '''Spartan''': Well, look at you. You get a bump on the noggin and you think you're Pancho Villa?
--> '''Garcia''': Who?
--> '''Spartan:''' Never mind.

--> '''Garcia''': ''(enthusiastically)'' Fuckin' A!
--> '''Spartan:''' Well put.

** Made even better when you realize the entire diatribe is something right out of Creator/DenisLeary's standup routine.

* Rob Schneider's character answering a 911 call in a [[FunnyBackgroundEvent Funny Foreground Event]]: "Greetings and salutations. Welcome to the San Angeles Emergency Line. If you would like an automated response, please press '1' now."

* The part where Spartan crashes in the futuristic police car:

** And the bugger beside him is this close to {{corpsing}}.

** One wonders how the reporter reacted to that.

* ''"You're on '''TV!!"''''' [[UnSoundEffect *television!*]] Such a corny line, and yet there's nothing better you can possibly yell before smacking someone with a TV set (just ahead of [[VerbThis "Watch this!]]").

-->'''Spartan:''' Thanks a lot, you [[ClusterFBomb shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball-breaking, duck-fucking pain in the ass]]. [smirks at the entire force] I'll be right back.

* Officer Alfredo Garcia happily joining Edgar Friendly and the Scraps.
--> '''Garcia''': (''happily cheering'') Fuckin' A!
** Spartan becomes impressed with Garcia.

* Phoenix's stolen AcMag gun finishes charging mid-fight with Spartan, so he immediately uses it; cue massive explosion and Phoenix forgetting everything to {{Squee}} over his new toy.

-->'''Guard:''' Excuse me, museum patron. Can I -- ''[Phoenix kills the guards[]''

** Then Phoenix starts racking up "Verbal Morality Violations", eventually beeping angrily right back at the machine.
* Phoenix argues with a computer about using a "phaser gun" when two museum guards walk up to him and try to politely ask him to stop. Of course, Phoenix just shoots them. Without looking at them or pausing his conversation with the computer.
-->'''Phoenix:''' So, what, it needs batteries? What size? I mean, where the fuck do you find batteries in the future?

* Phoenix's new "phaser gun" finishes charging mid-fight with Spartan, so he immediately uses it; cue massive explosion and Simon Phoenix forgetting everything to {{Squee}} over his new toy.

* Phoenix argues with a computer about using a "phaser gun" when two museum guards walk up to him and try to politely ask him to stop. Of course, Phoenix just shoots them. Without looking at them or pausing his conversation with the computer.
-->'''Phoenix:''' So, what, it needs batteries? What size? I mean, where the fuck do you find batteries in the future?
-->'''Machine:''' (faintly) [[RunningGag You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute...]]
* Phoenix's new "phaser gun" finishes charging mid-fight with Spartan, so he immediately uses it; cue massive explosion and Simon Phoenix forgetting everything to {{Squee}} over his new toy.
* Really, a fair bit of Phoenix's screen time is hilarious; it's hard to remember how much of a monster he is because he's just ''so damn funny''.
* The statement of a little girl that Spartan saved while blowing up a mini-mall in the process.
-->'''Reporter:''' How can you justify destroying a $7 million mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000?
-->'''Girl:''' Fuck ''you'', lady!
-->'''Spartan:''' ''*impressed*'' ...Good answer!
* There's also the part where Spartan crashes in the futuristic police car.

-->'''Spartan:''' Thanks a lot, you [[ClusterFBomb shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball-breaking, duck-fucking pain in the ass]].

* ''"You're on '''TV!!"''''' [[UnSoundEffect *television!*]] Such a corny line, and yet there's nothing better you can possibly yell before smacking someone with a TV set (just ahead of [[VerbThis "Watch this!]]").
* Spartan meets Edgar Friendly face to face in the sewers and Edgar explains Cocteau's problem with him.
-->'''Edgar:''' "You see, according to Cocteau's plan, I'm the enemy, 'cause I like to think; I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I WANT high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and BUCKETS of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-o all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? I've SEEN the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener"."
** And the bugger beside him is this close to {{corpsing}}.
** Made even better when you realize the entire diatribe is something right out of Creator/DenisLeary's standup routine.

* The scene where Phoenix first uses a computer. The [[ButtMonkey man]] using it before him tells the computer that he feels that nobody likes him, the computer gives him spirit-lifting compliments. Then Phoenix grabs him and pushed him out of the way, making him bump into a couple of ladies. The man ApologizesALot, but the women shake their heads at him as if he's the rudest person they know.
** Then Phoenix starts racking up "Verbal Morality Violations", eventually beeping angrily right back at the machine.
* Finding out which fast food chain won the sole victor of the so-called "Franchise Wars", leaving it the ''only'' restaurant chain left in existence. In the American version it's Taco Bell, in international versions it was Pizza Hut, in other versions its name is a mystery. The notion all by itself, even in the year of this film's release, is too absurd not to laugh at.
* Future sex. It's not as fun as the real thing.
-->'''Huxley''': You mean ''fluid transfer''!?
** Followed by her kicking Spartan out of her apartment, in the least literal way possible:
--->'''Huxley:''' "You are a savage creature, John Spartan, and I wish you to leave my domicile now."
--->''*indignantly points at the door and stomps her foot like a 6-year-old*''
--->'''Spartan:''' "I... You--"
--->''*Huxley silently repeats the same gesture again*''

* Finding out which fast food chain won the sole victor of the so-called "Franchise Wars", leaving it the ''only'' restaurant chain left in existence. [[spoiler:In the American version it's Taco Bell, in international versions it was Pizza Hut, in other versions its name is a mystery]]. The notion all by itself, even in the year of this film's release, is too absurd not to laugh at.

-->'''Spartan:''' *Shoots the machine, making Associate Bob faint*