History Funny / Armageddon

14th Jun '18 5:24:57 PM kalel32688
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* Beg'n your pardon sir, but it's a big-ass sky.

to:

* Beg'n "GET THE BOOK! GET THE BOOK! GET THE BOOK! GET THE BOOK!"
* "Beg'n
your pardon pardon, sir, but it's a big-ass sky."



-->'''Carl:''' "I want to name her Dottie, after my wife."\\
'''Dottie:''' *Starts to smile*\\
'''Carl:''' "She's a vicious, life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape..."\\
'''Dottie:''' *calmly [[FlippingTheBird raises middle finger]]*\\
'''Truman:''' "That... that's sweet, Carl."
* Harry [[PapaWolf chasing]] A.J. with a shotgun [[DisproportionateRetribution for catching him in bed with his daughter]]... and periodically ''shooting at him'':

to:

-->'''Carl:''' "I I want to name her Dottie, "Dottie," after my wife."\\
\\
'''Dottie:''' *Starts ''[starts to smile*\\
smile]''\\
'''Carl:''' "She's She's a vicious, life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape..."\\
\\
'''Dottie:''' *calmly ''[calmly [[FlippingTheBird raises middle finger]]*\\
finger]]]''\\
'''Truman:''' "That... That...that's sweet, Carl."
Carl.
* Harry [[PapaWolf chasing]] A.J. with a shotgun [[DisproportionateRetribution for catching him in bed with his daughter]]... and periodically ''shooting at him'':



--->'''Bear''': ''(steps in Harry's path, hefting a positively ''gigantic'' pipe-fitting wrench)'' What's going on there, boss?\\
'''Harry''': ''(gestures with shotgun)'' You don't want none of this, Bear!\\
'''Bear''': ''(smirks)'' Just trying to give my boy a head start, that's all. ''(steps aside)''

to:

--->'''Bear''': ''(steps ''[steps in Harry's path, hefting a positively ''gigantic'' pipe-fitting wrench)'' wrench]'' What's going on there, boss?\\
'''Harry''': ''(gestures ''[gestures with shotgun)'' shotgun]'' You don't want none of this, Bear!\\
'''Bear''': ''(smirks)'' ''[smirks]'' Just trying to give my boy a head start, that's all. ''(steps aside)''''[steps aside]''
** A.J. yelling to Harry that "This isn't funny anymore!", only for Harry to shoot at him again, causing him to cry out "FUDGE!"



---->'''A.J.''': ''(cowering)'' Harry! Please! I'm serious! Man to man. ''(pause)'' I love her!\\
'''Harry''': WAY WRONG ANSWER! ''(shoots, catching A.J. with JustAFleshWound in the leg, which makes A.J. FreakOut)''

to:

---->'''A.J.''': ''(cowering)'' ''[cowering]'' Harry! Please! I'm serious! Man to man. ''(pause)'' ''[pause]'' I love her!\\
'''Harry''': WAY WRONG ANSWER! ''(shoots, ''[shoots, catching A.J. with JustAFleshWound in the leg, which makes A.J. FreakOut)''FreakOut]''



--> '''Rockhound''': You wanna compare brainpans? [[InsufferableGenius I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princeton for two and a half years.]]\\
Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes, and [[StuffBlowingUp they let me use explosives]], okay? ''(smile)''\\

to:

--> '''Rockhound''': -->'''Rockhound''': You wanna compare brainpans? [[InsufferableGenius I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princeton for two and a half years.]]\\
Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes, and [[StuffBlowingUp they let me use explosives]], okay? ''(smile)''\\''[smile]''\\



''(Chick [[OhCrap widens his eyes in horror]] as he hurries away)''\\
'''Max''': *reacting to an immense hypodermic needle* Who's that for? Mr. Ed? You stick that thing in me, I'm gonna stab you in the heart with it. You ever see ''Film/PulpFiction?''\\
'''Rockhound''': ''(carelessly tossing aside a solved Rubik's Cube)'' Piece of cake.\\
'''Bear''': I am not crazy! *begins crying* I'm just a little emotional right now, ok? Ya'll throwing all this stuff at me, man! Look, I mean, after this is over, can I like get a hug from you or something?\\

to:

''(Chick ''[Chick [[OhCrap widens his eyes in horror]] as he hurries away)''\\
away]''\\
'''Max''': *reacting ''[reacting to an immense hypodermic needle* needle]'' Who's that for? Mr. Ed? You stick that thing in me, I'm gonna stab you in the heart with it. You ever see ''Film/PulpFiction?''\\
'''Rockhound''': ''(carelessly ''[carelessly tossing aside a solved Rubik's Cube)'' Cube]'' Piece of cake.\\
'''Bear''': I am not crazy! *begins crying* ''[begins crying]'' I'm just a little emotional right now, ok? okay? Ya'll throwing all this stuff at me, man! Look, I mean, after this is over, can I like get a hug from you or something?\\



* NASA's physicians reviewing the results of the medical tests and finding at least one had been using sedatives... Ones used on ''horses''.
--> '''Harry''': ''(Mass of stares by Truman and his staff)'' Some of these guys are pretty big.

to:

* NASA's physicians reviewing the results of the medical tests and finding at least one had been using sedatives...sedatives. Ones used on ''horses''.
--> '''Harry''': ''(Mass ''[mass of stares by Truman and his staff)'' staff]'' Some of these guys are pretty big.



-->'''A.J.''': What are you doing?\\

to:

-->'''A.--->'''A.J.''': What are you doing?\\



'''Bear''': ''(after Lev leaves)'' Yeah. You listen to him. ''Right.''

to:

'''Bear''': ''(after ''[after Lev leaves)'' leaves]'' Yeah. You listen to him. ''Right.''



-->'''Rockhound''': ''(sitting astride the nuclear bomb and humming the William Tell Overture to himself)'' YEE-HAW! RIDE 'EM COWBOY! YIPPIE KAI OH KAI YAY!\\
'''Sharp''': ''(gawking)'' GET OFF. THE NUCLEAR. WARHEAD.\\

to:

-->'''Rockhound''': ''(sitting ''[sitting astride the nuclear bomb and humming the William Tell Overture to himself)'' himself]'' YEE-HAW! RIDE 'EM COWBOY! YIPPIE KAI OH KAI YAY!\\
'''Sharp''': ''(gawking)'' ''[gawking]'' GET OFF. THE NUCLEAR. WARHEAD.\\



'''Sharp''': ''(DeathGlare)'' Now!\\

to:

'''Sharp''': ''(DeathGlare)'' ''[DeathGlare]'' Now!\\



'''Rockhound''': Alright. Just wanted to feel the power between my legs, brother. ''(dismounts)'' Hey Sharp! ''(chanting)'' No nukes! No nukes! No nukes!\\
''(Sharp [[FacePalm sighs in disgust]])''\\

to:

'''Rockhound''': Alright. Just wanted to feel the power between my legs, brother. ''(dismounts)'' ''[dismounts]'' Hey Sharp! ''(chanting)'' ''[chanting]'' No nukes! No nukes! No nukes!\\
''(Sharp ''[Sharp [[FacePalm sighs in disgust]])''\\disgust]]]''\\



* Lev, the Russian Hero, has [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QihBIewyrY&t=0m45s this]] to say to bitchy prima-donna astronauts who disrespect the man who had kept Mir running for the past ''eighteen months.'' '''Alone.'''
-->'''Lev Andropov''': ''Amerrrrican compoooonents, Russian compoooonents, all made in'' '''''TAIWAN!'''''

to:

* Lev, the Russian Hero, has [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QihBIewyrY&t=0m45s this]] to say to bitchy prima-donna ''prima donna'' astronauts who disrespect the man who had kept Mir running for the past ''eighteen months.'' '''Alone.'''
-->'''Lev Andropov''': -->'''Lev''': ''Amerrrrican compoooonents, Russian compoooonents, all made in'' '''''TAIWAN!'''''



* Harry asks the guys where Grace went off to and they automatically respond "with A.J." and then remember that Harry doesn't want them together and try to retract the statement... badly.

to:

* Harry asks the guys where Grace went off to and they automatically respond "with A.J." and then remember that Harry doesn't want them together and try to retract the statement... badly.



* Another one is to know who actually killed JFK. All Harry gets out of them on this one is a mass of silent stares.

to:

* ** Another one is to know [[WhoShotJFK who actually killed JFK.JFK]]. All Harry gets out of them on this one is a mass of silent stares.



-->'''Grace Stamper''': First time I got my period, Rock had to take me into Tai-Pei for Tampax. And then he had to show me how to use them, Harry.\\
[off Harry's stern look]\\
'''Rockhound''': Ho-ho. I ju- No I-I told her how to use it. I didn't show her, Harry.

to:

-->'''Grace Stamper''': -->'''Grace''': First time I got my period, Rock had to take me into Tai-Pei for Tampax. And then he had to show me how to use them, Harry.\\
[off Harry's stern look]\\
'''Rockhound''': ''[off Harry's stern look]'' Ho-ho. I ju- No No, I-I told her how to use it. I didn't show her, Harry.



'''A.J.''' ''(waving broken handle)'' THIS IS THE LEVER!

to:

'''A.J.''' ''(waving ''[waving broken handle)'' handle]'' THIS IS THE LEVER!



* From the DVD commentary, Ben Affleck's completely undisguised disdain for the movie's suggestion that it's easier to turn drillers into astronauts than to turn astronauts into drillers.
--> I mean this is a bit of a logic stretch, let's face it. "They don't know jack about drilling?" How hard can it be? Aim the drill at the ground and turn it on!
* Not from the movie, but from Creator/RogerEbert's review of it:

to:

* From the DVD commentary, Ben Affleck's DVDCommentary, Creator/BenAffleck's completely undisguised disdain for the movie's suggestion that it's easier to turn drillers into astronauts than to turn astronauts into drillers.
--> -->'''Ben Affleck:''' I mean this is a bit of a logic stretch, let's face it. "They don't know jack about drilling?" How hard can it be? Aim the drill at the ground and turn it on!
* Not from the movie, but from Creator/RogerEbert's review of it:the film:
23rd May '18 7:09:25 PM TheTrailblazerCritic
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'''Harry''': Aw, shucks, Chick, I ain't gonna kill him, I'll just blow off a foot. A man can work with one foot. Remember ole Willie worked all them years with just one hand?\\

to:

'''Harry''': Aw, shucks, Chick, I ain't gonna kill him, I'll just blow off a foot. A man can work with one foot. Remember ole Willie old Frank Marshall, worked with one hand all them years with just one hand?\\years?\\
13th May '18 10:01:34 PM NoxSky12599
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7th May '18 5:46:43 PM Kalaong
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-->'''Carl:''' "I want to name her Dottie, after my wife."
-->'''Dottie:''' *Starts to smile*
-->'''Carl:''' "She's a vicious, life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape..."
-->'''Dottie:''' *calmly [[FlippingTheBird raises middle finger]]*
-->'''Truman:''' "That... that's sweet, Carl."

to:

-->'''Carl:''' "I want to name her Dottie, after my wife."
-->'''Dottie:'''
"\\
'''Dottie:'''
*Starts to smile*
-->'''Carl:'''
smile*\\
'''Carl:'''
"She's a vicious, life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape..."
-->'''Dottie:'''
"\\
'''Dottie:'''
*calmly [[FlippingTheBird raises middle finger]]*
-->'''Truman:'''
finger]]*\\
'''Truman:'''
"That... that's sweet, Carl."



--->'''Chick''': You really don't wanna go killing the best man on your team right before we strike oil.
--->'''Harry''': Aw, shucks, Chick, I ain't gonna kill him, I'll just blow off a foot. A man can work with one foot. Remember ole Willie worked all them years with just one hand?
--->'''Chick''': Yeah, but he wasn't very good.

to:

--->'''Chick''': You really don't wanna go killing the best man on your team right before we strike oil.
--->'''Harry''':
oil.\\
'''Harry''':
Aw, shucks, Chick, I ain't gonna kill him, I'll just blow off a foot. A man can work with one foot. Remember ole Willie worked all them years with just one hand?
--->'''Chick''':
hand?\\
'''Chick''':
Yeah, but he wasn't very good.



--> '''Rockhound''': You wanna compare brainpans? [[InsufferableGenius I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princeton for two and a half years.]]

--> '''Rockhound''': Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes, and [[StuffBlowingUp they let me use explosives]], okay? ''(smile)''

--> '''Chick''': Aw, gee, lady. I just came here to drill.
--> '''Nurse''': Oh! So did I. *pulls out a very ominous [[AssShove medical probe]]*
--> ''(Chick [[OhCrap widens his eyes in horror]] as he hurries away)''

--> '''Max''': *reacting to an immense hypodermic needle* Who's that for? Mr. Ed? You stick that thing in me, I'm gonna stab you in the heart with it. You ever see ''Film/PulpFiction''?

-->'''Rockhound''': ''(carelessly tossing aside a solved Rubik's Cube)'' Piece of cake.

--> '''Bear''': I am not crazy! *begins crying* I'm just a little emotional right now, ok? Ya'll throwing all this stuff at me, man! Look, I mean, after this is over, can I like get a hug from you or something?

--> '''Rockhound''': Okay, [[ItMakesSenseInContext Cyclops Lady]]'s starting to bug me.

to:

--> '''Rockhound''': You wanna compare brainpans? [[InsufferableGenius I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princeton for two and a half years.]]

--> '''Rockhound''':
]]\\
Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes, and [[StuffBlowingUp they let me use explosives]], okay? ''(smile)''

-->
''(smile)''\\
'''Chick''': Aw, gee, lady. I just came here to drill. \n--> \\
'''Nurse''': Oh! So did I. *pulls out a very ominous [[AssShove medical probe]]*
-->
probe]]*\\
''(Chick [[OhCrap widens his eyes in horror]] as he hurries away)''

-->
away)''\\
'''Max''': *reacting to an immense hypodermic needle* Who's that for? Mr. Ed? You stick that thing in me, I'm gonna stab you in the heart with it. You ever see ''Film/PulpFiction''?

-->'''Rockhound''':
''Film/PulpFiction?''\\
'''Rockhound''':
''(carelessly tossing aside a solved Rubik's Cube)'' Piece of cake.

-->
cake.\\
'''Bear''': I am not crazy! *begins crying* I'm just a little emotional right now, ok? Ya'll throwing all this stuff at me, man! Look, I mean, after this is over, can I like get a hug from you or something?

-->
something?\\
'''Rockhound''': Okay, [[ItMakesSenseInContext Cyclops Lady]]'s starting to bug me.
me.






--> '''Rockhound''': Yeah, I remember this one. It's where the, uh, the Coyote sat his ass down in a slingshot then he strapped himself to an Acme rocket. Is that... is that what we're doin' here?
--> '''Harry Stamper''': Rockhound....
--> '''Rockhound''': Really, because it didn't work out too well for the Coyote, Harry.
--> '''Truman''': Well, actually, we have a [[AcmeProducts lot better rockets than the Coyote]].

to:

--> '''Rockhound''': Yeah, I remember this one. It's where the, uh, the Coyote sat his ass down in a slingshot then he strapped himself to an Acme rocket. Is that... is that what we're doin' here?
-->
here?\\
'''Harry Stamper''': Rockhound....
-->
Rockhound...\\
'''Rockhound''': Really, because it didn't work out too well for the Coyote, Harry.
-->
Harry.\\
'''Truman''': Well, actually, we have a [[AcmeProducts lot better rockets than the Coyote]].



--> '''A.J.''': Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel?
--> '''Lev''': No, I never saw ''Franchise/StarWars''.

to:

--> '''A.-->'''A.J.''': Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel?
-->
Knievel?\\
'''Lev''': No, I never saw ''Franchise/StarWars''.



-->'''A.J.''': What are you doing?
-->'''Lev''': I'm going outside.
-->'''A.J.''': You're going ''outside?''
-->'''Lev''': I AM THE ONLY CERTIFIED ASTRONAUT HERE, AND I AM SAVING YOUR AMERICAN ASS!
-->'''Bear''': ''(after Lev leaves)'' Yeah. You listen to him. ''Right.''

to:

-->'''A.J.''': What are you doing?
-->'''Lev''':
doing?\\
'''Lev''':
I'm going outside.
-->'''A.
outside.\\
'''A.
J.''': You're going ''outside?''
-->'''Lev''':
''outside?''\\
'''Lev''':
I AM THE ONLY CERTIFIED ASTRONAUT HERE, AND I AM SAVING YOUR AMERICAN ASS!
-->'''Bear''':
ASS!\\
'''Bear''':
''(after Lev leaves)'' Yeah. You listen to him. ''Right.''



-->'''Rockhound''': ''(sitting astride the nuclear bomb and humming the William Tell Overture to himself)'' YEE-HAW! RIDE 'EM COWBOY! YIPPIE KAI OH KAI YAY!
-->'''Sharp''': ''(gawking)'' GET OFF. THE NUCLEAR. WARHEAD.
-->'''Rockhound''': I was doing that guy, from [[Film/DrStrangelove that movie]], you know, Slim Pickens? Where he rides it all the way in, the nuclear warhead?
-->'''Sharp''': ''(DeathGlare)'' Now!
-->'''Rockhound''': ...you didn't see that one, huh?
-->'''Harry''': We got 700 ft. of hole to dig, Rockhound.
--> '''Rockhound''': Alright. Just wanted to feel the power between my legs, brother. ''(dismounts)'' Hey Sharp! ''(chanting)'' No nukes! No nukes! No nukes!
-->''(Sharp [[FacePalm sighs in disgust]])''
--> '''Harry''': You got any more bullets in that gun, Sharp?

to:

-->'''Rockhound''': ''(sitting astride the nuclear bomb and humming the William Tell Overture to himself)'' YEE-HAW! RIDE 'EM COWBOY! YIPPIE KAI OH KAI YAY!
-->'''Sharp''':
YAY!\\
'''Sharp''':
''(gawking)'' GET OFF. THE NUCLEAR. WARHEAD.
-->'''Rockhound''':
WARHEAD.\\
'''Rockhound''':
I was doing that guy, from [[Film/DrStrangelove that movie]], you know, Slim Pickens? Where he rides it all the way in, the nuclear warhead?
-->'''Sharp''':
warhead?\\
'''Sharp''':
''(DeathGlare)'' Now!
-->'''Rockhound''': ...
Now!\\
'''Rockhound''': ...
you didn't see that one, huh?
-->'''Harry''':
huh?\\
'''Harry''':
We got 700 ft. of hole to dig, Rockhound.
-->
Rockhound.\\
'''Rockhound''': Alright. Just wanted to feel the power between my legs, brother. ''(dismounts)'' Hey Sharp! ''(chanting)'' No nukes! No nukes! No nukes!
-->''(Sharp
nukes!\\
''(Sharp
[[FacePalm sighs in disgust]])''
-->
disgust]])''\\
'''Harry''': You got any more bullets in that gun, Sharp?



-->'''Grace Stamper''': First time I got my period, Rock had to take me into Tai-Pei for Tampax. And then he had to show me how to use them, Harry.
-->[off Harry's stern look]
-->'''Rockhound''': Ho-ho. I ju- No I-I told her how to use it. I didn't show her, Harry.

to:

-->'''Grace Stamper''': First time I got my period, Rock had to take me into Tai-Pei for Tampax. And then he had to show me how to use them, Harry.
-->[off
Harry.\\
[off
Harry's stern look]
-->'''Rockhound''':
look]\\
'''Rockhound''':
Ho-ho. I ju- No I-I told her how to use it. I didn't show her, Harry.



-->'''Lev:''' Pull... lever!
-->'''A.J.''' ''(waving broken handle)'' THIS IS THE LEVER!

to:

-->'''Lev:''' Pull... lever!
-->'''A.
lever!\\
'''A.
J.''' ''(waving broken handle)'' THIS IS THE LEVER!



-->'''A.J.:''' Pretty intense, huh?
-->'''Lev:''' That's why I told you - touch nothing! But you're... bunch of cowboys.

to:

-->'''A.J.:''' Pretty intense, huh?
-->'''Lev:'''
huh?\\
'''Lev:'''
That's why I told you - touch nothing! But you're... bunch of cowboys.
29th Dec '17 9:28:25 PM barretxiii
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Added DiffLines:

* After a very tense WireDilemma, Max has had enough of the crazy shit happening to them in space.
-->'''Max:''' ''[groans and dejectedly walks away]'' Ugh. God it sucks up here.
13th Dec '17 5:05:08 PM nombretomado
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-->'''Rockhound''': I was doing that guy, from [[DrStrangelove that movie]], you know, Slim Pickens? Where he rides it all the way in, the nuclear warhead?

to:

-->'''Rockhound''': I was doing that guy, from [[DrStrangelove [[Film/DrStrangelove that movie]], you know, Slim Pickens? Where he rides it all the way in, the nuclear warhead?
11th Nov '17 10:41:05 AM lorgskyegon
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Added DiffLines:

** Ketamine is also used for humans and is safe enough to use on animals as small as rodents, so the doctor's comment is a bit strange.
11th Nov '17 10:39:40 AM lorgskyegon
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Added DiffLines:

** Can't forget the nurse singing the Star Spangled Banner as she gives Rockhound an enema.
6th Aug '17 1:41:42 PM Circeus
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* Lev, the Russian Hero, has [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QihBIewyrY this]] to say to bitchy prima-donna astronauts who disrespect the man who had kept Mir running for the past ''eighteen months.'' '''Alone.'''

to:

* Lev, the Russian Hero, has [[http://www.[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QihBIewyrY com/watch?v=6QihBIewyrY&t=0m45s this]] to say to bitchy prima-donna astronauts who disrespect the man who had kept Mir running for the past ''eighteen months.'' '''Alone.'''
17th Jan '17 12:52:26 PM CurledUpWithDakka
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* NASA's physicians reviewing the results of the medical tests and finding at least one had been using sedatives...Ones used on ''horses''.

to:

* NASA's physicians reviewing the results of the medical tests and finding at least one had been using sedatives... Ones used on ''horses''.



-->'''Harry''': Yeah, uh, one more thing, uh... none of them wanna...pay taxes again. Ever. ''(chuckles, shrugs)''

to:

-->'''Harry''': Yeah, uh, one more thing, uh... none of them wanna... pay taxes again. Ever. ''(chuckles, shrugs)''
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http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/article_history.php?article=Funny.Armageddon