History DeadpanSnarker / HarryPotter

19th Aug '16 1:52:41 PM charliebiggs
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--->'''Dumbledore:''' Jokes? No, no, these are manners.

to:

--->'''Dumbledore:''' Jokes? No, no, these are manners. […] Is that you, Fenrir?
--->'''Fenrir Greyback:''' That's right. Pleased to see me, Dumbledore?
--->'''Dumbledore:''' No, I cannot say that I am.
19th Aug '16 12:49:51 PM charliebiggs
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* Albus Dumbledore:
** In ''the Half-Blood Prince'':
--->'''Vernon Dursley:''' I don't mean to be rude –
--->'''Dumbledore:''' – yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often. Best to say nothing at all, my dear man.
** Even when he's minutes away from dying:
--->'''Dumbledore:''' Good evening, Amycus. And you've brought Alecto too… [[SarcasmMode charming…]]
--->'''Alecto Carrow:''' Think your little jokes'll help you on your deathbed then?
--->'''Dumbledore:''' Jokes? No, no, these are manners.



* Ron:

to:

* Ron:Ron, probably as a byproduct from growing up with Fred and George:
2nd Aug '16 10:01:19 PM Luigifan
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---> '''Moody''' Sorry, George--

to:

---> '''Moody''' '''Moody:''' Sorry, George--



---> '''Harry:'''Not as stupid as you look, are you, Dud? But I s'pose, if you were, you wouldn’t be able to walk and talk at the same time.

to:

---> '''Harry:'''Not '''Harry:''' Not as stupid as you look, are you, Dud? But I s'pose, if you were, you wouldn’t be able to walk and talk at the same time.



** In ''[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheDeathlyHallows Deathly Hallows]]'' [[spoiler: when Scrimgeour reads the trio the will of Albus Dumbledore]]. HilariousInHindsight because Scrimgeour and Harry ''both'' ended up being right.

to:

** In ''[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheDeathlyHallows Deathly Hallows]]'' [[spoiler: when Hallows]]'', [[spoiler:when Scrimgeour reads the trio the will of Albus Dumbledore]]. HilariousInHindsight because Scrimgeour and Harry ''both'' ended up being right.



---> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr. Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter or yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time.

to:

---> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr. Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Mr. Potter or yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time.



** His response to [[spoiler: Dumbledore's order [[ItMakesSenseInContext to kill him]]]]:

to:

** His response to [[spoiler: Dumbledore's [[spoiler:Dumbledore's order [[ItMakesSenseInContext to kill him]]]]:



'''Snape''': Speaking of dogs, did you know that Lucius Malfoy recognized you last time you risked a little jaunt outside? Clever idea, Black, getting yourself seen on a safe station platform . . . gave you a cast-iron excuse not to leave your hidey-hole in future, didn’t it?\\

to:

'''Snape''': Speaking of dogs, did you know that Lucius Malfoy recognized you last time you risked a little jaunt outside? Clever idea, Black, getting yourself seen on a safe station platform . . .platform... gave you a cast-iron excuse not to leave your hidey-hole in future, didn’t it?\\
15th Jul '16 11:57:22 AM sheika
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* Dursleys:
** Believe it or not, the Dursleys have their snark moments.
---> '''Dudley''': "I heard you last night. Talking in your sleep. ''Moaning''." [...] “ ‘Don’t [[spoiler:kill Cedric]]! Don’t [[spoiler:kill Cedric!]]’ Who’s Cedric — your boyfriend?”




---> '''Snape:''' Unless you wish to ''poison'' Potter... and I assure you I would be in the ''greatest'' sympathy with you if you did... I cannot help you.

to:

---> '''Snape:''' Unless you wish to ''poison'' Potter... and I assure you I would be in the ''greatest'' sympathy with you if you did... I cannot help you.
you. The only trouble is that most venoms act too fast to give the victim much time for truth-telling. . . .

**Yep, Snape is pretty good at doing this. Read this wonderful scene in Book 5:
---> '''Snape''': I was supposed to see you alone, Potter, but Black—\\
'''Sirius''': I'm his godfather.\\
'''Snape''': I am here on Dumbledore's orders — but by all means stay, Black. I know you like to feel... involved.\\
'''Sirius''': What's that supposed to mean?\\
'''Snape''': Merely that I am sure you must feel — ah — frustrated by the fact that you can do nothing ''useful'' for the Order.\\
[...]\\
'''Harry''': Who's going to be teaching me?\\
'''Snape''': ''(raises an eyebrow)'' I am.\\
'''Sirius''': Why can't Dumbledore teach Harry? Why you?\\
'''Snape''': I suppose because it is a headmaster’s privilege to delegate less enjoyable tasks.\\
[...]\\
'''Snape''': I will expect you at six o’clock on Monday evening, Potter. My office. If anybody asks, you are taking Remedial Potions. Nobody who has seen you in my classes could deny you need them.\\
[...]\\
'''Snape''': ''(attempts to leave)''\\
'''Sirius''': Wait a moment.\\
'''Snape''': I am in rather a hurry, Black . . . unlike you, I do not have unlimited leisure time. . . .\\
\\
'''Sirius''': I'll get to the point, then. If I hear you’re using these Occlumency lessons to give Harry a hard time, you’ll have me to answer to.\\
'''Snape''': How touching. But surely you have noticed that Potter is very like his father?\\
'''Sirius''': Yes, I have.\\
'''Snape''': Well then, you’ll know he’s so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him.\\
\\
'''Sirius''': I've warned you, ''Snivellus'', I don’t care if Dumbledore thinks you’ve reformed, I know better —\\
'''Snape''': Oh, but why don’t you tell him so? Or are you afraid he might not take the advice of a man who has been hiding inside his mother’s house for six months very seriously?\\
\\
'''Sirius''': Tell me, how is Lucius Malfoy these days? I expect he’s delighted his lapdog’s working at Hogwarts, isn’t he?\\
'''Snape''': Speaking of dogs, did you know that Lucius Malfoy recognized you last time you risked a little jaunt outside? Clever idea, Black, getting yourself seen on a safe station platform . . . gave you a cast-iron excuse not to leave your hidey-hole in future, didn’t it?\\
'''Harry''': NO! Sirius, don’t —\\
'''Sirius''': Are you calling me a coward!?\\
'''Snape''': Why, yes, I suppose I am.\\



---> "There is no character named 'Icicle' in Book Six. There is however, a Professor Bicycle."

to:

---> "There is no character named 'Icicle' in Book Six. There is however, a Professor Bicycle.""

** And as a narrator, Rowling has her moments too:
---> "“Well, you see,” said Hermione [to Harry], with the patient air of one explaining that one plus one equals two to an overemotional toddler [...]
30th Apr '16 9:38:20 AM AnonFangeekGirl
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'''Harry:''' We got lost.
'''[=McGonagall=]:''' Then perhaps a map?

to:

'''Harry:''' --->'''Harry:''' We got lost.
'''[=McGonagall=]:''' --->'''[=McGonagall=]:''' Then perhaps a map?
30th Apr '16 9:37:49 AM AnonFangeekGirl
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to:

** After Harry and Ron are late to class:




to:

'''Harry:''' We got lost.
'''[=McGonagall=]:''' Then perhaps a map?
30th Apr '16 9:35:48 AM AnonFangeekGirl
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---> '''Harry:''' Interesting theory. Has anyone ever tried sticking a sword in Voldemort? Maybe the Ministry should put some people onto that, instead of wasting their time stripping down Deluminators or covering up breakouts from Azkaban.

to:

---> '''Harry:''' Interesting theory. Has anyone ever tried [[MundaneSolution sticking a sword in Voldemort? Voldemort?]] Maybe the Ministry should put some people onto that, instead of wasting their time stripping down Deluminators or covering up breakouts from Azkaban.
1st Apr '16 5:42:16 PM Eievie
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Almost all of the Characters in Harry Potter as well as the author are very snarky. A few specific examples:

to:

Almost all of the Characters characters in Harry Potter as ''Harry Potter''--as well as the author are author--are very snarky. A few specific examples:



---> '''2nd Weasley Twin:''' Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once -
---> '''1st Weasley Twin:''' Or twice -
---> '''2nd Weasley Twin:''' A minute -
---> '''1st Weasley Twin:''' All summer -

to:

---> '''2nd Weasley Twin:''' Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once -
Once--
---> '''1st Weasley Twin:''' Or twice -
twice--
---> '''2nd Weasley Twin:''' A minute -
minute--
---> '''1st Weasley Twin:''' All summer - summer--



---> '''Moody:''' Arthur and Fred –

to:

---> '''Moody:''' Arthur and Fred – Fred--



---> '''Moody''' Sorry, George –
---> '''Fred:''' I’m only yanking your wand, I’m Fred really –

to:

---> '''Moody''' Sorry, George –
George--
---> '''Fred:''' I’m only yanking your wand, I’m Fred really – really--



---> '''Harry:''' “And they’d love to have me,” said Harry sarcastically. “We’d be best pals if they didn’t keep trying to do me in.”

to:

---> '''Harry:''' “And And they’d love to have me,” said Harry sarcastically. “We’d me. We’d be best pals if they didn’t keep trying to do me in.



---> '''Scrimgeour:''' Why do you think -
---> '''Harry:''' Dumbledore would have given me the sword? [[note]] of Gryffindor[[/note]] ...Maybe he thought it would look nice on my wall.
---> '''Scrimgeour:''' This is not a joke, Potter! ...Did he give you that sword, Potter, because he believed, as do many, [[TheChosenOne that you are the one destined to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?]]

to:

---> '''Scrimgeour:''' Why do you think -
think--
---> '''Harry:''' Dumbledore would have given me the sword? [[note]] of Gryffindor[[/note]] ...Maybe Gryffindor[[/note]] …maybe he thought it would look nice on my wall.
---> '''Scrimgeour:''' This is not a joke, Potter! ...Did did he give you that sword, Potter, because he believed, as do many, [[TheChosenOne that you are the one destined to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?]]



---> '''Umbridge:''' I was just wondering, Professor, whether you received my note telling you of the date and time of your inspec –?

to:

---> '''Umbridge:''' I was just wondering, Professor, whether you received my note telling you of the date and time of your inspec –?inspec--?



---> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' Potter has achieved high marks in all his Defense Against the Dark Arts tests-

to:

---> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' Potter has achieved high marks in all his Defense Against the Dark Arts tests-tests--



---> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' I should have made my meaning plainer. He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher.[[note]]For an extra burn, 'competant teacher' can pretty much only be in reference to [[OurWerewolvesAreDifferent Remus Lupin]], who Umbridge [[FantasticRacism particularly hates]].[[/note]]

to:

---> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' I should have made my meaning plainer. He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher.[[note]]For an extra burn, 'competant teacher' "competent teacher" can pretty much only be in reference to [[OurWerewolvesAreDifferent Remus Lupin]], who Umbridge [[FantasticRacism particularly hates]].[[/note]]



---> '''Hermione:''' I know what this is -- it's devil's snare!

to:

---> '''Hermione:''' I know what this is -- it's is--it's devil's snare!



---> '''Hagrid:''' I — I’ve been away for me health.

to:

---> '''Hagrid:''' I — I’ve I--I’ve been away for me health.



---> '''Hagrid:''' Yeah, bit o’ — o’ fresh air, yeh know —

to:

---> '''Hagrid:''' Yeah, bit o’ — o’ o’--o’ fresh air, yeh know —know--



-->'''Uncle Vernon''': I am not aware that it is any of your business what goes on in my house—

to:

-->'''Uncle Vernon''': I am not aware that it is any of your business what goes on in my house—house--



-->"[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheHalfBloodPrince Book Six]] is called ''The Toenail of Icklibõgg''—Well, if you believed the '[Pillar of] Storgé' one..."

to:

-->"[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheHalfBloodPrince Book Six]] is called ''The Toenail of Icklibõgg''—Well, Icklibõgg''--Well, if you believed the '[Pillar of] Storgé' one..."
1st Jan '16 4:30:05 AM Lazarus393
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** In ''Sorcerer's/Philospher's Stone'':

to:

** In ''Sorcerer's/Philospher's ''Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone'':
20th Sep '15 7:08:18 AM bjshipley1
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-->'''Harry:''' Hang on, there's an empty chair at the staff table. Where's Snape?\\

to:

-->'''Harry:''' --->'''Harry:''' Hang on, there's an empty chair at the staff table. Where's Snape?\\
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