History BetterThanItSounds / Other

You thought fiction was weird? Think of all of the bizarre things we, as humans, have actually done!
----
* [[spoiler:The Alphabet]]: A series of strange symbols used regularly, but rarely acknowledged beyond the very early years of human life and in basic education and business (under certain circumstances). If said symbols are arranged in a certain matter, they form the identification of various objects, subjects, and the connections between the two. The incorrect arrangement of these is detested by many; so much so that programs in computing are designed to point out said incorrect arrangement. However, a single object/subject/connection can have many different arrangements of these symbols, though the meaning is the same, as long as one understands the different symbol arrangements in the object/subject/connection. Many societies have different forms/arrangements of these symbols, often leading to confusion when these two societies meet.
* [[spoiler:The American Revolution]]: Several thousand people on the Northwest Atlantic shore challenge their homeland on the other side for their independence. Set apart from other revolutions in that it was actually spawned by the rich.
* [[spoiler:UsefulNotes/AncientRome]]: A bunch of hick farmers build a small hamlet and manage to become ShroudedInMyth by killing everyone else. They also discover how to build giant bureaucracies. Then various {{Barbarian Tribe}}s subject them to a mixture of RapePillageAndBurn and peaceful entry. At roughly the same time an obscure cleric sets up shop here and gives orders to all the other clerics. Two thousand years later, another cleric uses this place gives orders to Russia. Poland is pleased about this turn of events.
** [[spoiler:Roman Army]]: A bunch of farmers dress in exotic clothes so that they can kill people, work on roads, and star in movie productions.
* [[spoiler:An Appetite]]: A compelling force that possesses every living thing, including you, that makes you want to greedily consume the flesh of other living beings with no regard for creatures that may need this flesh to satiate this urge as well.
* [[spoiler:UsefulNotes/AppleMacintosh]]: An expensive computer that runs less software than its main competitors.
** [[spoiler:iPod]]: An underpowered computer with a tiny screen and limited input options, which can only play music.
** [[spoiler:iPhone]]: An expensive phone that wastes its battery power by doing things that computers are supposed to do.
** [[spoiler:iPad]]: Similar to the aforementioned phone, but larger, and it doesn't work as a phone.
* [[spoiler:Braces]]: A painful, years-long method of skeletal readjustment and sometimes bone removal, resulting in permanent disfiguration, to which children are subjected against their will. This is, for some, necessary to be considered attractive.
* [[spoiler:Napoleon Bonaparte]]: Short guy from Corsica attempts to conquer a vast majority of Europe by force. Later gets exiled to a British dependency off the coast of Africa.
** Later, it's discovered that he wasn't short. This doesn't stop him having a [[TheNapoleon complex which involves short people]] named after him.
* [[spoiler: Brain]]: A three-pound lump of meat consisting mostly of fat.
** Alternatively: An immobile but (usually) disproportionately intelligent pilot of a Gundam made out of meat that also serves as the pilot's life support system.
* [[spoiler:Breathing]]: The constant repetition of an act that intakes what could be made a deadly and addictive poison by consuming in excess, can cause internal bleeding and hemorrhage if done improperly, and significantly increases the carbon footprint of every person who does it. The completion of any attempt to stop results in painful and invariably fatal withdrawal.
** [[spoiler:Oxygen]]: A gas that, when inhaled, makes one feel better than when they weren't. After a short period of time any completed attempt to abstain from this gas will kill slowly and painfully. Often force fed to old people and hospital patients. When combined with many substances, results in their deterioration and destruction.
* [[spoiler:UsefulNotes/{{Buddhism}}]]: What to do if you just really hate living and would rather stay dead than come back to life.
* [[spoiler:Bugs]]: Creatures that are almost universally considered terrifying despite being very small and usually harmless, and sometimes adorable. Unless you live somewhere where they kill people on a regular basis.
* [[spoiler: Capsaicin[-[[note]] Chemical found in chillies which makes them spicy[[/note]]-]]]: An irritant chemical found excessively in Indian and Mexican food, and is often inserted into the mouth, despite having the ability to cause burning sensations, pain, difficulty breathing, nausea, vomiting, and diarrhoea. When concentrated, it requires protective goggles, respirators, and hazardous material-handling procedures in order to be dealt with safely. It is sometimes sprayed into the eyes of humans who have done naughty things. Consumption of this substance is often used as a way of gaining status with young males, while refusal to consume it is seen as emasculating.
* [[spoiler:Cars]]: A metal cage, usually with four wheels arranged in a rectangular pattern, which travels on flat surfaces unless you have a model designed for use on rough terrain. Owning an expensive, rare and/or old one will cause people to envy you while simultaneously praising your supposedly good taste.
** Alternately, a moving box powered by dead dinosaurs
** [[spoiler:Concept Cars]]: Models of the four-wheeled cages which are either a) produced in exceedingly small numbers, b) are unique, or c) only exist as a digital or artistic representation. These vehicles are designed with varying degrees of "futuristic" aesthetics and features, but will inevitably look ridiculous [[spoiler:in 50 years]]. Despite this, people would gladly buy the vehicles if not for the fact that they will never be sold to the public.
** [[spoiler:[=RVs=]]]: A cage, usually with four wheels arranged in a rectangular pattern, which travels on flat surfaces despite being associated with rough terrain. Owning one will cause people with tents to envy you, although these vehicles use so much fuel that this jealousy is quite dulled.
** [[spoiler:Trains]]: A chain of boxes on wheels traveling along predetermined paths.
** [[spoiler:Bicycle]]: A device that is so unstable it must be traveling at speed to remain upright on its own. People, especially young children, fall off them frequently; as a result, many places have laws requiring specialized safety gear to operate them.
** [[spoiler:Motorcycles]]: The unstable device gets motorized - and has a ridiculously low amount of safety precautions compared to the aforementioned four-wheeled cage.
** [[spoiler:Carseats]]: A technology designed to allow babies and other small humans to be hurtled along the ground at over a hundred feet per second before coming to an abrupt and unexpected stop.
** [[spoiler:Air travel]]: A gigantic metal tube with hundreds of people trapped inside moves at great speed through a lethally cold environment several miles above ground.
* [[spoiler:[[ChemistryCanDoAnything Chemistry]]]]: People mix things with other things and hope something cool happens.
* [[spoiler:Circumcision]]: Men cut a small piece of skin from their sex organ in order to please an OmnicidalManiac.
* [[spoiler:[[UsefulNotes/TheAmericanCivilWar The Civil War]]]]: Eleven states form their own nation to keep slavery alive. When another nation's fort is attacked by them, the latter's twenty-plus other states fight for four years to stop slavery. Two states in particular fight for both nations.
** [[spoiler:Reconstruction]]: The former eleven states give up slavery after the war ends, but business is extremely slow due to the death of the Illinois lawyer mentioned below.
** [[spoiler:Jefferson Davis]]: Mississippi Senator and former cabinet member who served as leader of the above eleven states during the four-year conflict.
* [[spoiler:Clothing]]: Plant fibres, animal skin and polymers made from crude oil woven into sheets. Humans use these to cover their bodies due to their lack of hair and dislike of nakedness. Every few years, indecisive people change their minds about which sheets are considered to make humans look attractive. This causes many humans to waste money on new sheets. There is a long, complicated list of rules about which sheets should be worn at certain places and for certain occasions, though these rules are rarely explained to anyone and seem to have no useful function in society.
* [[spoiler:The Cold War]]: Two nations prepare for nuclear conflict but never actually get there.
** [[spoiler:The Iron Curtain]]: An imaginary line in Central Europe showing all but two nations on the eastern half of the continent under one of the above nation's control or influence.
* [[spoiler: College/University]]: You work for years to get good grades, do tasks you wouldn't otherwise do, and then beg and plead for an institution to take vast amounts of money off of your hands. If you're really, really good, and keep giving them money, you might get a piece of paper that might help you get a job to pay off all of that money you gave them. If you'd rather, you can also gather with like-minded individuals to drink alcoholic beverages while dressed as ancient Romans.
* [[spoiler:Colors]]: A series of arbitrary visual feelings which your brain uses to categorize different wavelengths of light.
* [[spoiler:Computer]]: Billions of electronic switches turn on and off billions of times per second.
* [[spoiler:Cross-Stitch]]: Sticking short lengths of thread through cloth, first one way diagonally, then the other, over and over and over and over and over and over until hopefully you get a picture of some sort out of it.
* [[spoiler:Creator/TimCurry]]: An actor whose most famous roles are that of [[Film/{{Clue}} a butler]], [[Literature/{{IT}} clown]], [[WesternAnimation/FerngullyTheLastRainforest talking smoke]], and [[Film/TheRockyHorrorPictureShow a transvestite]]. However, his self-professed favorite role is that of [[Film/MuppetTreasureIsland a pirate]].
* [[spoiler:Dating]]: Someone you don't know, whose intentions you can't predict, showing you an inordinate amount of attention.
* [[spoiler:Death]]: Kind of like sleeping but more permanent.
* [[spoiler:Dihydrogen monoxide]] a.k.a. [[spoiler:Water]]: A chemical that is the largest contributor to acid rain and fatal when inhaled in large amounts. Despite this, it can be found in almost any home and certainly any chemistry lab. No organized movement to make it illegal has ever gathered enough support to be successful.
* [[spoiler:[[EverythingsBetterWithDinosaurs Dinosaurs]]]]: Some giant reptiles which were the dominant creatures on Earth until they eventually learnt to fly.
* [[spoiler:Ride/DisneyThemeParks]]: You pay hundreds of dollars so you and your family can stand around in the hot sun for hours, watch severely abridged versions of a bunch of movies you've probably already seen several times, and get the autographs of professional cosplayers. The more days in a row you do it, the more that some people will envy you.
* [[spoiler:DNA]]: A substance that exclusively records a very difficult, unstructured, and non-imperative programming language that contains little or no comments. This programming language places a mess where modern technology would use SPARK, Erlang or a hardware description language. External factors can change code, sometimes resulting in unrecoverable malfunction in safety critical, non-stop applications.
* [[spoiler:Eating]]: Stuffing solid and liquid matter into an orifice, grinding the solid matter up with bones that protrude from the inside of said orifice, and using internal muscles to pull the liquid and ground solid matter into a sac inside the being undertaking the whole process. Can result in death if the wrong matter is used or the matter goes the wrong way at a fork in the biological tube leading to the sac (correct direction) and an organ designed to intake gaseous matter (incorrect direction). Not doing this will eventually lead to death when an acid in the sac eats through the sac walls or the being not undertaking the action dies due to lack of energy intake.
** [[spoiler:"Bathroom Usage"]]: The whole above process leads to the expulsion of liquid from one orifice (in a rather [[{{Pun}} draining]] experience) and solid matter from another, both of which are considered unsanitary to come into further contact with and must be disposed of via special systems that provide clean water and dispose of dirty water. Despite the fact that "unsanitary matter" is in the dirty water, the dirty water is put through a process involving toxic chemicals and put back into the system as "clean water".
* [[spoiler:UsefulNotes/ThomasEdison]]: An inventor who cheated his rival out of $50,000, stole his ideas, and invented the electric chair just to mock another rival.
* [[spoiler:U.S. Presidential Election]]: A ritual in America to decide who is worthy to be given the power to destroy the world. This process involves several celebrities going before the public eye and giving insults to each other that would get you shot in some countries; for it is rightfully agreed that anyone willing to destroy other people's reputations with the required callousness would probably be willing to blow up the world if needed. The celebrity most successful in ruining the reputation of every other celebrity while leaving their own least harmed is thereby considered worthy to be awarded the prize of spending four years being insulted by everyone else in the entire world.
** The chief argument in favor of this ritual is that it is considered superior to the ritual known as [[spoiler: coronation]] see below.
*** [[spoiler: Coronation]]: The descendant of some barbaric warlord a thousand years ago comes before a cleric wearing impractical clothing no sane person would wear in other circumstances. He then spends the rest of his life devoting himself to spouting off platitudes and being adored by the public for so doing. In their gratitude at his beneficence his loyal subjects will take an absurd interest in his private life that would be considered stalking if applied to an ordinary person.
*** [[spoiler: Tyranny]]: A loud and obnoxious person convinces people that they are tired of one or both of the two above rituals. He therefore replaces them with his own personal command shedding copious amounts of blood in the process. Once this is done the practicer of this spends several dozen years bullying his subjects. May or may not attempt to attempt to subject the subjects of his neighboring rulers to mass murder and armed robbery, but will likely not be terribly competent at that as his neighbors often fight back. After a while this [[spoiler: tyrant]] will grow old and his subjects grow weary of him. Whereupon either they will kill him or he will run away to an expensive villa in the Mediterranean. [[SubvertedTrope Actually, it is even worse than it sounds.]]
* [[spoiler:Employment]]: People engage in a series of tasks, usually of a routine and often repetitive nature. Although the routine in which these tasks are undertaken varies from person to person, for many people this involves getting up very early in the morning and undertaking them for several hours at a time, usually until the day is well and truly over. Despite the fact that few people (unless they're lucky) can truly claim to enjoy this routine, those who do not undertake it are often looked down upon and are widely disadvantaged in society.
* [[spoiler:Ethanol/Alcohol]]: A flammable chemical consumed in large quantities by many humans, particularly young males, despite causing nausea, vomiting, confusion, unconsciousness, impaired memory and judgement, and permanent brain and liver damage, among other things.
** [[spoiler:Whisky]]: The longer it sits in a mouldy barrel for, the more it costs.
* [[spoiler:Evolution]]: A process that primarily consists of copying things. But it keeps getting it wrong. Most of the time this ends in the sad consequence of its mistake dying but sometimes it instead results in something it made earlier dying instead and the mistake living fractionally (in the grand scheme of things) longer. Turns out if you keep doing this long enough you eventually get things smart enough to know that they are going to die but they still can't do anything about it and apparently that's progress.
* [[spoiler:Eyeglasses]]: Pieces of glass worn on your face so that two of your malformed organs function the way everyone else's do.
** [[spoiler:Contact lenses]]: Semi-circular pieces of plastic that are poked into some very important organs daily to correct a genetic or acquired defect. Side effects can include discomfort and severe infection that can lead to permanent damage to the organ in question.
* [[spoiler:Farting]]: The introduction of solid and liquid matter into a being's upper frontal orifice also prompts the billions of smaller living beings residing in the tube connected to the lower back orifice to further process the introduced material, creating gas in the process. After its buildup, the gas exits the lower orifice, either silently or accompanied by a trumpeting sound. This can lead to uncontrollable laughter, embarrassment, denial, a remarkably different quality of the nearby air or the desire to hold a flame-producing artifact near the orifice during the discharge to create a bigger flame.
* [[spoiler:{{Fiction}}]]: People make stuff up; it's sometimes based on truth, but it's often complete make-believe. This results in the formation of vast industries, varying degrees of fame and fortune for those doing the making-up, and numerous and often intense discussions about it.
** [[spoiler:HistoricalFiction]]: Fanfiction about real life.
** [[spoiler:{{Fairy Tale}}s]]: Impressionable peasant children are taught lots of horrific stuff by their loving parents in the hope that they will enjoy it. Wanderers from cities hear of this custom and write them down so that children from the city can have the same experience.
* [[spoiler:{{Film}}]]: A sophisticated (but not really) method of showing you a bunch of pictures that resemble one long moving picture. It was very primitive at first; it then gained color, sound, and the ability to [[SugarWiki/VisualEffectsOfAwesome depict the most outrageous and impossible events]]. It has become a very lucrative industry.
** [[spoiler:Action Movies]]: A body of work dedicated to the belief that the world's problems can only be solved by doing things that will get you at least life in prison.
** [[spoiler:Drama]]: A body of work that is either considered brilliant or a stupid bore.
** [[spoiler:Comedy]]: A body of work that requires timing and improvising in order for [[HilarityEnsues hilarity to ensue]].
*** [[spoiler:Romantic Comedies]]: A body of work dedicated to the belief that mature relationships are the result of [[HilarityEnsues hilarity ensuing]].
** [[spoiler:{{Epic Movie}}s]]: A body of work with an inflated sense of ambition and importance (and budget). A source rich in HypeBacklash.
** [[spoiler:ScienceFiction movies]]: A body of work dedicated to the belief that the ridiculous, the outlandish, and the outright impossible are simply are a matter of retuning your Visual Effects programs, or a matter of some old guy in a convention costume.
* [[spoiler:Fireworks]]: Explosives which make pretty colours and unpleasant noises. Usually used by drunken idiots to celebrate a number of events, though many people know nothing of note about said events and even fewer care about them. Notorious for causing injury and property damage; despite this, they are readily available for purchase and use by the general public.
* [[spoiler:Flowers]]: Genitalia used to show affection, sympathy, or as a major ingredient to make sprays with no other purpose than to make the wearer stinky.
* [[spoiler:Food]]: Items you put in your mouth even though you probably do not know where it came from and how it was handled.
** [[spoiler:Cheese]]: Solidified, pasteurized animal milk with a hint of salt. Some varieties are aged and some are mouldy.
** [[spoiler:Eggs]]: Birds defecate pods that can never fulfill their reproductive function and are used as edible foodstuffs.
** [[spoiler:Fruit]]: Engorged plant ovaries used as edible foodstuffs.
*** [[spoiler:Pineapple]]: A group of said ovaries formed into a clump which is spiky on top. People like to have arguments about whether it should be put on tomato-covered bread or not.
** [[spoiler:Vegetables]]: Plant parts that plant breeding or random chance make edible.
*** [[spoiler:Fruit and Vegetables]] Underpaid migrant farm-workers in terrible conditions harvest these for your good health.
** [[spoiler:Honey]]: Odorous secretions designed to attract insects so that they will facilitate plant sex and produce edible foodstuffs.
** [[spoiler:Yeast]]: Some are tiny critters that pee and belch in your food and then become part of your food; others cause human illnesses.
*** [[spoiler:Leavened Bread]]: A block of nutrients for human consumption that requires some of the above-described tiny critters to pee and belch in it and become part of it prior to human consumption.
** [[spoiler: Meat]]: The flesh of animals. For some reason, this often does not include the flesh of fish. Often ground up and stuck back together again in flat strips. Sometimes stuffed inside an intestine casing and burnt in oil.
*** [[spoiler:Bacon]]: The flesh of a type of creature stereotypically considered unclean and greedy; despite this, it is often considered to be the most sacred of all the animal flesh. Opinions differ on the proper form of this flesh. Some believe it should contain strips of fat, while others abhor this, and destroy of any fatty tissue they lay their eyes on. Attempts to mimic it are often met with horror and anger, despite these other options often being cheaper and easier to produce.
* [[spoiler:Funfairs]]: A place where people go to enjoy motion-sickness-inducing rides, and games whose [=GMs=] have a reputation for being [[TheGMIsACheatingBastard cheating bastards]], and buy inflatable containers of alpha and beta radiation.
* [[spoiler:Mira Furlan]]: A girl runs away from an obscure Balkan country to play Joan of Arc RecycledInSpace.
* [[spoiler:The Game]]: Ignorance is bliss. [[Webcomic/{{xkcd}} Stick figures]] claim the secret to victory.
* [[spoiler:Advertising/GetRidOfCable]]: When something adverse related to cable occurs, you trigger a series of strange and illogical events. Don't let the last of such events happen to you.
* [[spoiler: Gold]]: An element too soft and dense to be useful for building anything out of. It ''is'' quite an effective conductor, but is usually too expensive to be used for that purpose. Additionally, if its atoms had just one more proton in them, it would instead be a deadly poisonous fluid.
* [[spoiler:Guinness Book of Records (aka Guinness World Records)]]: A massive list of who/what is best or most at something.
* [[spoiler:Hair]]: Dead cells forced out of your body through microscopic holes. Frequent maintenance is required to keep it from getting out of control.
** [[spoiler:Dreadlocks]]: The result of not maintaining the aforementioned dead cells frequently enough. Often associated with dirty people and consumers of illegal substances.
** [[spoiler:Haircuts]]: The dead cells are removed by a specialist in complicated patterns. Occasionally, pigmentation is added to any remaining cells.
* [[spoiler:Theatre/HalloweenHorrorNights]]: People pay good money to go to a crowded place, run around in the dark, look at simulated blood and gore, and have other people scream at and pretend to attack them.
* [[spoiler:Creator/JimHenson]]: A [[CloudCuckoolander strange kid]] from Mississippi devotes his life to giving his many [[ImaginaryFriend imaginary friends]] physical bodies of foam rubber, fur, feathers, and ping-pong balls.
* [[spoiler:Heraldry]]: An art of shield decoration intended to show who was greater than who.
* [[spoiler:[[HiccupHijinks Hiccups]]]]: Involuntary contractions of the diaphragm, which often cause pain. These spasms produce a characteristic squeaking sound, which may be the cause of embarrassment or amusement. Many people like to offer remedies for this condition, though these have almost never been scientifically verified and may cause harm to the person who attempts them. It has been suspected that the main reason people offer these 'remedies' is [[{{Troll}} for their own amusement]].
* [[spoiler:Holidays]]: Days that are no different than any other except for the fact that a single circumstance in the distant past usually guarantees a day off from work and/or a big meal.
** [[spoiler:Christmas]]: A yearly occurrence in which we stand plants up in our houses, cover them in various objects, and wait for an ancient man to break into our house at night through the tube filled with soot and leave things scattered around the area in boxes. This event corresponds to the birth of an ancient religious leader.
*** Alternately: A baby saves the world after his parents are forced to take a vacation purely for bureaucratic purposes.
*** Alternately: People around the world hold a birthday party for someone they don't actually know personally. Nor is it actually his birthday.
** [[spoiler:Easter]]: A yearly occurrence in which we wait for a large rodent to leave brightly-colored fowl menstruation scattered around our yards. This event corresponds to the death of an ancient religious leader who failed to stay dead.
*** Alternately: The very first zombie in history supposedly got revived at this date. We celebrate it with unfertilized avian ovuluses. It originated as [[spoiler:Passover]], a celebration of a genocidal deity arranging ten plagues in Egypt.
** [[spoiler:[[UsefulNotes/AllHallowsEve Halloween]]]]: Strangely-dressed people come to your house and threaten you with pranks unless you poison them with fat and sugar.
*** Or: Cosplayers roam around begging for food. Scarring gourds and presenting them is one way to show you're willing to provide it. No, the gourds are almost never eaten, just thrown away when everyone's finished.
** [[spoiler:Labor Day]]: A day where people honor the people who spend their days laboring by not doing so.
** [[spoiler:Memorial Day]]: A day where people honor fallen warriors by eating cooked animal intestines and ground up bovine.
** [[spoiler:Martin Luther King Jr. Day]]: A day where people honor a hero by purchasing furniture and cars at reduced prices.
*** [[spoiler: President's Day]]: A day where people honor their former leaders (mostly just 2 of them) by purchasing furniture and cars at reduced prices.
** [[spoiler:Valentines Day]]: A day where people celebrate romantic affection by giving each other dead tree slices, sweet confections, and plant genitals. A symbol based on the shape of a woman's bottom is very prevalent.
** [[spoiler:New Years Eve]]: People celebrate surviving a full year by slowly killing themselves.
*** [[spoiler:New Years Day]]: People follow up the above event by waking up next to someone they may or may not know with no recollection of the events that lead up to that point.
** [[spoiler:UsefulNotes/{{Thanksgiving|Day}}]]: People celebrate a group of people having a feast by spending a day with people they rarely communicate with, consuming copious amounts of cooked fowl covered in meat juice, and watching large men physically assault each other for a ball.
*** [[spoiler: Black Friday]]: The day following the above where people go to large warehouses at ungodly hours of the morning and get into unarmed combat with each other over items they want to obtain for a different holiday.
** [[spoiler:Columbus Day]]: A day where people celebrate a man for proving that the world was round even though almost everyone actually knew that for a long time.
*** Alternately: A day when people celebrate a man for discovering a continent which he never actually landed on and which had already been discovered, by trying to find a more viable trade route to an entirely different continent by [[ViolationOfCommonSense going in the opposite direction that said continent was in]].
** [[spoiler:The 4th of July]]: People celebrate freedom by getting drunk and using pyrotechnics.
** [[spoiler:Guy Fawkes Day/Bonfire Night]]: People stay up late to set things on fire and watch said things exploding in the air as they are being blown sky high. They do this to celebrate the failure of a religious terrorist to blow up a building.
** [[spoiler: St. Patrick's Day]]: People celebrate a religious icon by wearing the colour green and turning into stereotypes. People who don't wear green are often physically assaulted.
** [[spoiler: April 20th]]: A day wherein people consume illegal substances in celebration of... something. Ironically, people who the above group despise also celebrate this day for a [[UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler different reason]].
* [[spoiler:Holidays/Vacations]] Humans stuff a small a small proportion of their possessions into bags and boxes, possibly damaging them in the process. They then leave their home, which they have designed to suit their needs, and go and live in a different building where they can't where anything is, and are separated from the majority of their belongings. The humans are often not suited to the climate and terrain the new building is situated in, and they often find themselves unable to communicate with the local residents of the area. After a couple of weeks, the process happens in reverse, with the humans ending up back at their original dwelling. Despite its apparent lack of purpose, this process can be extremely costly, and many humans deprive themselves of money in order to be able to afford it. Generally, the further away the human gets from their home, the more expensive the operation is, and the more excited the human becomes.
* [[spoiler:''Radio/ImSorryIHaventAClue'']]: Sensible people doing silly things.
* [[spoiler:The "If by Whiskey" speech]]: A politician waffles humorously.
* [[spoiler:TheInternet]]: A medium in which computers send electronic signals to one another over a largely disorganised system. An unknown but unquestionably-large portion is comprised of pornographic content.
* [[spoiler:UsefulNotes/{{Israel}}]]: A small country that, despite being located in the middle of a desert, is apparently indestructible, considering that over the past 10,000 years or so, every attempt to destroy it has failed. Strangely though, it has spent a lot of time...defeated at one point or another. Took a break for a few thousand years, but reappeared in the late 40's.
* [[spoiler:Japan]]: A bizarre island nation that either out of sheer braveness or sheer stupidity challenged the west to a fight and is now one of America's closest allies though they have proven their aloofness by jailing an American woman for importing prescription drugs from abroad and covertly replacing America as the lead Great Power in the Pacific and the Middle East.
* [[spoiler:Jello]]: Wobbly substance made from the stock of sickly horses that is often fruit-flavored.
* [[spoiler:Jigsaw Puzzle]]: Someone draws a picture or takes a photo, then cuts it up into tiny pieces. Other people spend hours putting the picture back together, only to take it apart again later.
* [[spoiler:Laughter]]: A series of uncontrollable high-pitched coughs, sometimes accompanied by crying, convulsions, loss of control over one's limbs, and inability to breathe. It can be transmitted via touching or communication, is extremely contagious and can, on occasion, be fatal.
* [[spoiler:Franchise/{{LEGO}}]]: Toys that come unassembled in their packages, with the buyer having to go through the trouble of building them. As hard as they are to piece together, the products may fall apart during extensive playing sessions. Can cause pain to your fingers and feet, but not as much as to your [[CrackIsCheaper wallet]]! What is more, they are immensely addictive.
** [[spoiler:''Toys/{{Bionicle}}'']]: A MerchandiseDriven story of [[MechanicalLifeforms robots and cyborgs]] (whom you also have to assemble yourself -- watch out for breaking parts) being wrong, told through so many forms of media that one might feel the urge to give up on trying to follow it. Eventually, you'll have to, since they [[LeftHanging left it hanging]].
** [[spoiler:''Toys/HeroFactory'']]: Similar to the above entry, but LighterAndSofter. It involves RidiculouslyHumanRobots [[TheyFightCrime who fight crime]]. Has a ClicheStorm cartoon.
* [[spoiler:[[RealLife Life]]]]: A state of being in which those who experience it go through years of slow deterioration of bodily parts and have nothing better to do than talk about random things in places like this, release fecal matter, and participate in the world's slowest and least [[RuleOfPerception flashy]] MMO.
** An extremely prevalent, almost certainly lethal sexually transmitted disease.
* [[spoiler:{{Literature}}]]: Innocent trees are chopped up so that people can enjoy having their imaginary friends put into unpleasant situations.
* [[spoiler:Lord of the Dance]]: A shirtless man in tight pants stomps his feet in complicated patterns, accompanied by about 100 Irish people in funny dresses who also stomp their feet in complicated patterns and hardly ever move their upper bodies.
** [[spoiler:Riverdance]]: Many people in funny dresses who also stomp their feet in complicated patterns and hardly ever move their upper bodies.
* [[spoiler:Love]]: Staking your happiness on another person, often making you [[LoveHurts miserable]], [[LoveMakesYouCrazy crazy]] and [[LoveMakesYouEvil evil]]. It's often involuntary and not always returned.
** Some forms can be partly described as a weird trick nature plays on humans to help keep the species going.
** A common form of addictive drug. Causes such side effects as [[LoveMakesYouCrazy obsession]] usually, though not always, with a member of the opposite sex, corroding of the [[LoveMakesYouDumb reasoning capacity]] and [[HeroicSacrifice reckless behavior]]. [[ArrangedMarriage Forbidden or discouraged]] in some countries. Commonly sold by dealers at bookstores, and theaters. [[LoveHurts No known cure exists.]]
** [[spoiler:Marriage]]: Because of the above (and possibly the "exhausting, dangerous, messy and uncomfortable activity"), two people move in together. Many things can go wrong (including results of the "parasite generation") and lead to an end where one tries to extort as much from the other as possible. Almost always ends in either heartbreak or death (death is the "good" ending, unless one partner gets really fed up with the situation).
** [[spoiler:Marriage]]: A relationship that turns scandalous behavior into honored behavior through the application of ritual and mutual monopoly.
* [[spoiler:Maple syrup]]: Refined tree blood used as a tasty topping.
* [[spoiler:Mathematics]]: A method through which people attempt to learn more about [[EldritchAbomination entities not of this dimension, entities that cannot be directly experienced and yet still closely model much of this universe. Many practitioners of this method are known to have mental illness, and childhood exposure to this method leaves many people in the world]] [[EverybodyHatesMath traumatized to the point of doing anything to avoid it.]] The vast majority of its practitioners claim to discover absolute truths in it.
** [[spoiler:Algebra]]: A subset of aforementioned practice in which grown adults pretend letters are numbers.
** [[spoiler:Pi]]: [[SerialEscalation Irrational number used to represent a ratio.]]
** [[spoiler:Trigonometry]]: Discipline that allows its practitioners to divine a great deal of information about the physical world by finding and staring at triangles. Where there are no triangles, you are encouraged to draw your own by or around the target of your divination.
** [[spoiler: Numbers]]: Symbols used to reflect quantities of things. Can also be represented using groups of different symbols, though what symbols are used and in what order varies around the world. [[RuleOfThree Many]] [[FourIsDeath people]] [[LuckySeven think]] [[ThirteenIsUnlucky they]] [[Mystical108 have]] [[NumberOfTheBeast magical]] properties for no apparent reason. There is an infinite amount of them, and many of them, including some of the most important ones, are imaginary.
* [[spoiler:Matter]] 99 percent empty space punctuated by unimaginably tiny balls all held together by mutual electromagnetic force
* [[spoiler:Creator/BillyMays]]: Advertiser with [[LargeHam a really hammy personality]]. Commonly ridiculed along with what he advertised, including a white powder using the air we breathe and a bathroom cleaner that shares its name with the sound made by some explosions.
* [[spoiler: Medicine]] An already sick or injured person is usually made to be very uncomfortable, and sometimes deliberately put in pain, at a very large cost. If done perfectly, may help the person with a malady. Only in fairly recent history has it done more good than harm. So close is it to torture that strict ethical provisions are in place to only use it if absolutely necessary and will benefit the person.
* [[spoiler:Methane]]: A colourless, odourless gas which the majority of humans are dependant on for heat and electricity. This, however, often goes unappreciated, with people preferring to accuse it of being an odourant, and use it as the [[IncrediblyLamePun butt]] of fart jokes.
* [[spoiler:Thomas Midgley Jr.]]: First reduced the average IQ of people in the US by several points, then gave everyone skin cancer. He then accidentally strangled himself to death.
* [[spoiler:''Toys/MilkyWayAndTheGalaxyGirls'']]: Teenage girls go rollerskating through the cosmos.
* [[spoiler:Money]]: A uniform substitute for all else that exists only to be traded. It is so desirable that some people are willing to harm others, either directly or indirectly, in order to obtain it. Some say that the love of it is the fundamental cause of all evil.
* [[spoiler:The Moon]]: A large, white, rounded stone that floats in the sky.
* [[spoiler: Mountain Climbing]]: People with an unusual surplus of time and money on their hands expend it by suffering extreme amounts of danger and incredible discomfort in getting to the top of a large pile of dirt for the purpose of proving that said pile of dirt is in fact "there" instead of somewhere else. Those who engage in this are for some reason treated as great heroes instead of being subjected to compulsory psychological treatment, perhaps because it is believed that this activity will be of benefit to the producers and distributors of the expensive equipment required for this activity.
* [[spoiler:Mount Rushmore]]: An art museum with one exhibit (the larger-than-life busts of four deceased political leaders).
* [[spoiler:Music]]: A series of sounds which need to be heard in the right order and by the right person to be appreciated; otherwise, it's noise.
* [[spoiler:Musicals]]: A bunch of fruity people continuously break WillingSuspensionOfDisbelief by at times alternating the pitch of their voices in weird, unnatural ways.
** [[spoiler:{{Opera}}]]: Sometimes, this is ''all'' that they do.
* [[spoiler: {{Mythology}}]]: Stories that are passed on to others to explain circumstances despite the fact that there may not be any validity to them.
** [[spoiler: [[Myth/ClassicalMythology Greco-Roman Mythology]]]]: Inbreds with phenomenal powers being jerks and/or [[AnythingThatMoves doing who-hoo to everything and everyone]].
** [[spoiler:Myth/NorseMythology]]: A one-eyed jerk, some guy with a hammer and a shape-shifting asshole among others tries to stop the end of the world. In the end, everyone will eventually fight each other since YouCantFightFate anyway.
** [[spoiler:Myth/EgyptianMythology]]: Animal-headed freaks with phenomenal powers must kill a giant serpent every day. After that, one of the animal-headed freaks starts being a jerk to everyone.
** [[spoiler:Myth/HinduMythology]]: One creates, another preserves and the last one destroys.
*** [[spoiler:The Literature/{{Mahabharata}}]]: Kingdoms fights each other, almost everyone dies.
** [[spoiler:Myth/CelticMythology]]: The psychotic badass with a funky spear overshadows everyone else.
** [[spoiler:Myth/ChineseMythology]]: A weird creature creates the world and then leaves it to a world-sized bureaucracy.
*** [[spoiler:The ''Literature/FengshenYanyi'']]: A king angers a powerful goddess. Said goddess sends three evil spirits to end the king's dynasty without harming anyone else. One of the spirits manages to do this by making the king even worse.
** [[spoiler:Myth/JapaneseMythology]]: Two lovers make Earth and love. The woman eventually dies from birthing a fireball. Afterwards, the man creates three siblings who make up the sun, the moon and the oceans who then start hating each other. The ocean god eventually gets kicked out of heaven and then kills a snake.
** [[spoiler:Myth/AztecMythology]]: You must sacrifice this many people to keep the world running.
* [[spoiler:Horatio Nelson]]: A preacher's kid is worshiped by English sailors for giving them lots of rum and plunder.
* [[spoiler:UsefulNotes/TheNetherlands]]: A place where most of the land lies beneath the sea but is somehow not flooded.
* [[spoiler:Nuclear explosion]]: The process of destroying small pieces of matter in order to destroy vast amounts of matter.
** Alternatively: Something interesting happens when you break something really small.
** [[spoiler:Nuclear power]]: Someone was able to come up with a less destructive, marginally more helpful, and more gradual application of the above process.
* [[spoiler:Organized religion]]: People around the world argue and kill each other about various books, most of which are driving at the same point, which is to not kill people.
** [[spoiler:Organized religion]]: The ideal business. There is little need for customer testimonials, as most of [[CessationOfExistence those against whom the business reneges are conveniently dead]]. The business makes great claims, but insists on being paid almost entirely ahead of [[DeathTropes time]]. The business never has to give any scientific proof or even scholarly arrangements of any of its core claims. It can make money on many of the various literal interpretations of its ancient texts, and countless figurative interpretations are available for making even more money. Customers don't have to agree with each other to remain customers, even of the same shop.
** [[spoiler:Monothieism in Christianity]] isn't. There's supposedly one main guy, but in fact there is a main one-child nuclear family and countless lesser figures, some of them adopted from its rivals that for historical reasons [[YouWillBeAssimilated fell to]] [[spoiler:Christianity]].
** [[spoiler:Jesus Christ]]: Celebrity who TheEmpire executed for supposedly "conspiring" to overthrow the government under pressure of local religious leaders. Became far more popular centuries after his death.
*** Or: [[Literature/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy A man is nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change.]]
** [[spoiler:(Christian) God]] An old man who is believed to have made a universe, thrown some kids out of his garden for eating fruit, and sent his only child to be killed to redeem said kids' families. He now lives in another dimension with some winged people who play trumpets. In the future some dead people will be tortured for a while and then go and join him, before learning to eat with badly-designed cutlery.
* [[spoiler:Paintings]]: A piece of fabric, or possibly a thick slice of dead tree, covered in oily substances. Some people have been known to go insane while creating them or even ''to'' create them.
* [[spoiler:Penis]]: A tentacle like appendage that can be either flexible or rigid, and emits microorganisms and waste products.
* [[spoiler:Pets]]: Creatures which eat voraciously, destroy everything they can get away with, reproduce in spades, and are incredibly difficult to train to do anything, but are kept around mostly because they're cute.
** [[spoiler:Cat]]: A small, cute fuzzy animal with an independent side.
*** A carnivore with sharp claws & teeth who sometimes play-bites as a sign of affection as a result of having their mom carry them by the back of the neck with her teeth and the males of this species have some of the stinkiest urine if not neutered.
** [[spoiler:Dog]]: A loyal animal that can sometimes be stinky.
*** An ExtremeOmnivore that will sometimes goes as far as to eat its own poop, has sharp teeth, and depending on the [[spoiler:dog]] can be very aggressive.
** [[spoiler:Rabbit]]: A small, cute fuzzy animal that has been known to freeze in place when scared.
** [[spoiler:Fish]]: An aquatic, scaly animal that does nothing worthwhile.
** [[spoiler:Hamster]]: A tiny, fluffy rodent that is known for running for ''hours'' on a centripetal-force exercise mechanism.
** [[spoiler:Rat]]: An ExtremeOmnivore that [[TheBlackDeath indirectly killed tens of millions of people]], can chew through metal, and is intelligent enough to figure out how to escape containment.
** [[spoiler:Snake]]: A creature which has no legs, but can open its mouth wider than its body.
* [[spoiler: Phage Therapy]]: People try to cure people infected by pathogens by injecting them with more pathogens.
* [[spoiler:Philosophy]]: Endless debates between self-proclaimed geniuses that have been going on since the beginning of civilization.
** [[spoiler:Edmund Gettier]]: A guy who upset many people by writing a very short paper about people who may or may not get a job, may or may not own Fords, and may or may not be in Barcelona.
* [[spoiler:Piercings]]: Foreign pieces of metal painfully forced into parts of the body for the sake of [[InformedAttribute (perceived) attractiveness]].
* [[spoiler:{{Pinball}}]]: A small metal ball zips around a large box made of glass, metal, plastic, and wood, and funny sounds are made when the ball hits certain parts of the box. When new, these boxes can cost as much as a new car despite being about the size of a coffee table. Although these boxes were meant to be used in public, the majority of sales in North America are to people who want one to use all to themselves. Collecting these boxes is SeriousBusiness. For people who own them privately, using them is also Serious Business.
* [[spoiler:Pizza]]: Flat bread covered in pureed tomatoes and shredded solidified milk. Toppings include small thin slices of meat that was stuffed in intestinal casing and then cured and spiced, acidic bulbs that grow in the ground, edible fungi, and tiny fish, the last of which that many people don't find appetizing.
* [[spoiler:TabletopGame/{{Poker}}]]: A contest in which people try to determine who's the better bald-faced liar among them. The best bald-faced liar wins. In some circles, is considered VERY SeriousBusiness.
* [[spoiler:Pornography]]: People get naked and are filmed doing the below described exhausting, dangerous, messy and uncomfortable things, some of which are [[AcceptableBreaksFromReality unusual in real life and very strange]].
** Also, it's far too expensive, sometimes.
* [[spoiler:Pregnancy / Childbirth]]: A parasite (or sometimes more than one) lodges itself within a woman and slowly grows over most of a year, affecting the woman physically and psychologically. Eventually the parasite(s) is ejected painfully from the body; however, it typically stays with the woman for years, and the woman may even be imprisoned if she abandons the creature. Despite the intense physical and emotional discomfort the woman is put through during this time, the growth and arrival of the creature is widely considered a beautiful and life-affirming affair.
*** The popular "parasite" notion is [[http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/unborn-child-just-a-parasite-cutting-edge-science-shows-fetal-cells-heal-mo now being]] [[ScienceMarchesOn brought into question by modern science]].
** [[spoiler:Adoption]]: After its ejection from the body, the parasite is passed off to a surrogate host, who continues the process as normal.
* [[spoiler:Presidents]]: Men who rule a certain North American nation between two others. Examples include:
** [[spoiler:George Washington]]: War veteran known for bad teeth and cutting down plants owned by his father.
** [[spoiler:Thomas Jefferson]]: Talented Virginian who won in a tie and doubled said nation's size. Famously authored a document stating that a new nation would exist.
** [[spoiler:William Henry Harrison]]: War hero who served a very short time by making a very long speech.
** [[spoiler:Abraham Lincoln]]: Illinois lawyer who never gave up despite constant defeat. Known for literally GrowingTheBeard, giving a speech with rather antiquated language, and [[spoiler:getting killed by an actor in a theater]]. [[Music/ElectricSix May or may not show up at gay bars]].
** [[spoiler:Andrew Johnson]]: Racist tailor from rural Tennessee who was the successor of the above Illinois lawyer and almost got removed from office after he fired a member of his cabinet.
** [[spoiler:Ulysses S. Grant]]: War hero who knew more about his career than the office he was holding.
** [[spoiler:Grover Cleveland]]: Fat lawyer from Buffalo who held this position twice before and after the grandson of the second war hero above.
** [[spoiler:Woodrow Wilson]]: College professor auditions for politics. He fails to persuade said nation to join an alliance that will stop all wars after suffering from paralysis.
** [[spoiler:Franklin Delano Roosevelt]]: Polio-stricken lawyer in a wheelchair who held the office four years longer than normal. He dies near the end of an important war.
** [[spoiler:John F. Kennedy]]: Bostonian whose father was a bootlegger, frequently cheated on his wife, [[spoiler:got killed in a large Texas city]], and shares a lot in common with above Illinois lawyer.
** [[spoiler:Ronald Reagan]]: Illinois-born actor who defeated a peanut farmer in his first election and his Vice-President in his second (the latter with the most votes in American history). Almost got killed by a guy with a heavy obsession for Jodie Foster.
* [[spoiler:ProfessionalWrestling]]: A bunch of half-naked men under false identities pretend to throw each other around a roped-off platform for the amusement of the masses.
* [[spoiler:Creator/PeterSellers]]: Actor known for playing multiple roles in many of his films. One of his best known roles portrays him as [[Franchise/ThePinkPanther an inept French policeman]] who [[PoirotSpeak mispronunces virtually everything as if it were French]].
* [[spoiler:Sewerage]]: A system which selfishly transports the main food source of countless living creatures far away from where they live. The food is then poisoned to kill any stowaways.
* [[spoiler:Sex]]: An exhausting, dangerous, messy and uncomfortable (physically and emotionally) activity that can cause disease and in some extreme cases even death but which is nevertheless is widely enjoyed, greatly sought after by many (especially those who have not yet done it) and is in fact considered healthy. It is so dangerous and messy that its practitioners must use thin plastic bags to avoid killing each other with deadly viruses. Despite its widespread popularity, undertaking it in front of other people is widely disapproved of and can be embarrassing. It is the leading cause of the aforementioned parasites.
** [[spoiler:Male masturbation]]: the unholy alternative of the above activity, which involves the ejection of precursors of said parasites within your body. A deviant practice looked down upon by many religions. Often used as an insult towards people seen as pathetic and unattractive. Can also be very addicting and messy.
** [[spoiler:Orgasm]]: A highly sensitive part of the body begins spasming and spurting fluid. Considered the end goal of the "exhausting, dangerous, messy and uncomfortable" activity mentioned above.
** [[spoiler: Sex (Again) & Masturbation]]: Connecting and/or touching organs that dispose of waste.
* [[spoiler: Shellfish]]: BigCreepyCrawlies that most people not only eat, but find delicious.
* [[spoiler:{{Shipping}}]]: People obsess over the love lives of complete strangers who usually don't even exist.
* [[spoiler:The skeletal/muscular system]]: No matter how you're positioned, half of the meat in your body is going to be stretched tightly to dense mineral deposits in your body. If you move, that half relaxes, but the ''other'' half stretches. All this meat is stretched tight enough that if you were able to cut them, they'd ''snap''.
* [[spoiler:Skydiving]]: Jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft.
* [[spoiler:Sneezing]]: Forces beyond your will seize control of your body, forcibly evacuating a complex mixture of substances required for survival ''en masse'' through your face. Muscular contortions are experienced in synchrony with this process, causing abnormal facial expressions and temporary blindness. Victims of these forced spasms, should they attempt to avert them, find themselves with virulent organic contaminants on their palms or clothing. Close bystanders may also become saturated with these dangerous particulates, yet feel compelled to wish good tiding upon the source of their own contamination.
* [[spoiler:Sleep]]: A state of semi-voluntary unconsciousness during which strange and occasionally disturbing visions may be experienced. Often related to a ritual in which a person will put on a certain clothes (or in some cases simply strip completely naked) and lay atop furniture for extended periods of time until the visions take hold.
** [[spoiler:Dreams]]: A set of variably bizarre hallucinations happening daily if you're doing it right. They contain material which everyone can see but would be banned in anywhere on the world to show in their unchanged forms.
** [[spoiler:Insomnia]]: The inability to experience said unconsciousness. For some reason, this is treated as a health problem rather than a positive trait.
* [[spoiler:Slugbug]]: Physical violence is justified by the presence of a certain automobile.
* [[spoiler:Space, aka The Cosmos]]: Literally, a great, big, hulking vat of mostly nothing. Most of what ''is'' there can be categorized as one of three things: giant explosives that will kill you merely by proximity, impossibly tiny rocks that will kill you merely by proximity, and giant rocks that serve no purpose whatsoever.
** Alternately: A possibly infinite void full of incomprehensibly massive balls of superheated gas which emit deadly radiation in all directions. These death balls are surrounded by smaller balls of much cooler gas and even smaller chunks of rock. For whatever reason, lots of children want to visit this place when they grow up.
** [[spoiler:Astronauts]]: People who go through vigorous physical training in order to be shot into said nothingness at high speeds in a metal container with just enough fuel and may put them in mortal danger if anything goes wrong, usually for purposes of boring research. Many kids aspire to be one.
*** Alternatively, people who attempt to throw themselves off a large rock with the help of a skyscraper made of explosives.
* [[spoiler:SpaceOpera]]: People try to escape from the violence, ethnic hatred, power politics and corruption in modern Earth by watching violence, ethnic hatred, power politics and corruption [[RecycledInSpace in space]] several hundred years in the future.
** Alternately: Ambition, Sex and Violence RecycledInSpace. Normally involves contact with other species who are as addicted to ambition, sex, and violence as humans.
* [[spoiler:Speech]]: Moving various parts of your mouth and upper respiratory system in order to make a series of sounds with an arbitrary relation to real things. Can lead to fatal choking, and depending on the real or assumed referents of said arbitrary sounds, [[PoorCommunicationKills other fatal consequences]].
** [[spoiler:Spoken language]]: A series of sounds which need to be heard in the right order and by the right person to be understood; even then, it's often just noise.
* [[spoiler:Sports]]: The distillation of war into various forms for fun and profit. More fun than war, because the rules are easier to follow and far fewer people get killed. You are not considered to be a real man if you do not enjoy it and are often accused of homosexuality, despite the fact that most of these activities involve sweaty, muscular men exerting themselves, displaying their physical fitness, wearing spandex and grabbing balls.
** [[spoiler:Wrestling]]: A form of the above, with two half-naked men grabbing at ''each other''.
** [[spoiler:Athletics]]: People who like to run, throw and jump.
*** [[spoiler:High jump\pole vault]]: People run toward a lifted bar and try not to bring it down. (alternatively: reverse Limbo)
*** [[spoiler:Long\triple jump]]: People rush toward a sandbox. A misstep can mean a loss.
*** [[spoiler:400+ metres]]: People run in circles on a rubber track.
*** [[spoiler:Throws]]: People hurl deadly weapons into an empty field.
*** [[spoiler:Racewalking]]: People endure an endless SillyWalk.
*** [[spoiler:Marathon Running]]: OlderThanFeudalism, this activity baffles everyone but those who do it. While most people do it when there is no alternative (i.e. there is no TravelCool method available) some do it JustForFun, even though the entire point is elevated heart levels, lactic acid levels so high it can cause cramps in your shoulders, and the near depletion of the body's energy supplies. Some have died doing it. Of course, for those who do it, that IS the fun.
** [[spoiler:Baseball]]: Hit a dude's ball with your rod and run home before his goons catch you.
*** Or: A man fights for the right to run around in a circle.
** [[spoiler:Cricket]]: You and someone else hit a dude's ball and run until his goons catch you, a simple structure takes damage, you break a rule, or the same happens to everyone else on your side. Can go on for days.
** [[spoiler:Kickball]]: Kick a dude's ball as hard as you can and run home before his goons catch you.
** [[spoiler:Dodgeball]]: ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin. Sometimes doubles as a real life equivalent of BulletHell.
** [[spoiler:UsefulNotes/AssociationFootball]]: Men (and sometimes women) kick a ball around a field for 90 minutes. Often for longer.
*** Alternately: 22 people run after a ball, and in the end, the Germans win. The ball is made from a dead cow.
** [[spoiler:American Football]]: Men ramming and chasing each other in an attempt to grab a ball. Should one of the muggers bring the ball to their base they get points. Then they get to kick it.
*** [[spoiler:Rugby]]: As above, but with less padding for the players.
** [[spoiler:UsefulNotes/IceHockey]]: People with knives on their feet try to stop their opponent by ramming them into a wall and physically assaulting them. Players may once in a while attempt to slap a small disc around an icy room in an attempt to get it in a net.
*** Alternatively: Twelve guys, one [[spoiler:p]]uck.
*** Or: 12 men engage in unarmed combat on a sheet of ice. Occasionally one of them attempts to get a rubber disc into a net.
** [[spoiler:Basketball]]: Giant, spindly men run around a room attempting to slam a ball against a board and into a hole. Causes men in suits to stop working for a month.
** [[spoiler:Surfing]]: Swimming out into the ocean on a float, then getting back to land ''without'' swimming.
** [[spoiler:Skiing]]: Strapping two planks of wood to one's feet prior to hurling oneself down a mountain.
** [[spoiler:Snowboarding]]: As above, but with one plank rather than two. Participants also face sideways and, on occasion, backwards.
** [[spoiler:Skateboarding]]: As above, but the plank isn't strapped to one's feet.
** [[spoiler:Water Skiing]]: As above, but on water, being dragged by a speeding boat.
** [[spoiler:Ice Skating]]: Strapping two blades to one's feet prior to going on ice. There are competitions for people who can do it quickly, and for those who can do it prettily.
** [[spoiler: Swimming]]: Racing on all fours and with limited breath.
** [[spoiler: Boxing]]: Two guys without shirts beat each other with their fists until one or both of them is near fatally injured. This is great fun.
** [[spoiler: Diving]]: Fancy falling into a pool.
** [[spoiler: Volleyball]]: People do great jumps, dives and hits with the sole intent of hitting a ball on the floor.
** [[spoiler:Curling]]: Some of this involves sliding things. Most of it, however, involves sweeping dust off the floor.
** [[spoiler:Billiards (snooker, pool, etc.)]]: Push balls around by poking one with a stick.
** [[spoiler:Horse Racing]]: Short guys ride animals in circles for hours.
** [[spoiler:Competitive Eating]]: People who are unable to do any of the above due to lack of stamina attempt to commit suicide by giving themselves fatal heart attacks by stuffing copious amounts of meat-like substances wrapped in animal intestines down their throats in record times. There are no winners in this game. %%Note to editors: put any future sports examples above this one since the description doesn't work as well otherwise
** ''[[spoiler:NASCAR]]'': White guys in cars driving in a circle for three and a half hours.
** [[spoiler:UsefulNotes/FormulaOne Racing]]: Some people build a very expensive car. Some other people drive it around in a figure eight for hours.
** [[spoiler:Rodeo Bronc Riding and Bull riding]]: Guys hold onto very strong animals while being flung around for a few seconds, before getting flung off.
* [[spoiler:Sun]]: A huge continuous explosion which can vaporise anything even a half a million kilometers away from its center.
** Alternately: An unstable nuclear furnace that modern civilization (read: most if not all life) is terminally dependent on.
* [[spoiler:Tachyons]]: Subatomic particles which travel unimaginably fast and could be used to build a phone which violates causality. Fortunately for humans, they probably don't exist.
* [[spoiler:Tag]]: A game where a person is cursed and everyone else avoids them. Should they manage to make contact with one of the others they pass the curse to that person and they become normal. If a normal person is at a certain location they are immune until they leave, but can be forced if the cursed person utters a certain incantation, which can be countered by another one. A popular activity on playgrounds.
** [[spoiler:Ghost in the Graveyard]]: Humans wander around a dark area while being stalked by ghosts. If a human is caught by a ghost they become one too. If the ghosts manage to kill all the humans they gain their lives back and the game starts over.
* [[spoiler:Tea]]: Hot leaf water, maybe with some personal preferences like sugar and milk.
** Dried leaves, boiled.
** [[spoiler:Coffee]]: Hot bitter cherry juice, maybe with some personal preferences like sugar and milk. Many people are unable to start their daily routine without drinking it.
*** [[AlternateCharacterInterpretation Or]] the meaning of all existence.
* [[spoiler:Creator/JRRTolkien]]: A curmudgeonly English professor writes ''very long'' works telling how much he likes English farmers and how much he dislikes highly talented jewelers and goldsmiths.
* [[spoiler:Wiki/TVTropes]]: Literate Internet users all over the world sit around for hours trying to remember imaginary (and sometimes not so imaginary) things they either saw or heard many years ago. Although these people could conceivably all be together at a given time, it can take days, weeks, or even months for them to respond to each other, especially if the traffic is bad. Also, their fingers get really sore.
** The cumulative works of people who are either procrastinating or have too much time on their hands write so that other people can procrastinate more effectively.
* [[spoiler:Vaccines]]: Chemicals manufactured specifically to prevent certain organisms from feeding and/or reproducing with the explicit end goal of said organisms' extinction.
** Alternatively: Dead pathogens injected into bodies in an attempt to possibly kill live pathogens at an unspecified time later.
* [[spoiler:Video Games]]: The distillation of war, but with all the physical aspects that may actually result in exercise removed.
** Alternatively, a form of addictive substance that's mostly legalized and don't even have to be ingested. Just manipulate some buttons and switches.
** Alternatively, people pretend to be fictional characters or caricatures of themselves by pushing buttons, or, until recently, flailing their limbs. An invention that replaced the telegraph has since been reappropriated for this activity.
** [[spoiler:Online Multiplayer FPS games]]: An activity where a group between 2 and 100 simultaneously pretend that they are engaged in heavy combat in a war, with no reason for the battle to occur, only to be gruesomely murdered repeatedly. The avatars that last longest are continuously abused for a lack of skill, but those who lack skill involved in the activity become attached to their avatar to the point where when they are assassinated they complain that they died. This cycle repeats constantly for years.
* [[spoiler:Washing machine]]: A heavy metallic drum filled with soapy hot water and rags spins very fast inside a box with many electric wires. It is sealed only by a glass hatch that can open suddenly and violently if not closed correctly and the machine's contents will spill all over the floor. It's in your house, if you're lucky.
* [[spoiler:UsefulNotes/WorldWarII]]: SpaceOpera [[RecycledInSpace Recycled on Earth]]. Became a cult classic for fans decades after but was widely disliked by critics at the time. Despite this it attracted many viewers. Rated NC-17 for extreme violence.
----

** [[spoiler: Numbers]]: Symbols used to reflect quantities of things. Can also be represented using groups of different symbols, though what symbols are used and in what order varies around the world. [[RuleOfThree Many]] [[FourIsDeath people]] [[LuckySeven think]] [[ThirteenIsUnlucky they]] [[OneHundredAndEight have]] [[NumberOfTheBeast magical]] properties for no apparent reason. There is an infinite amount of them, and many of them, including some of the most important ones, are imaginary.

* [[spoiler:Sleep]]: A state of semi-voluntary unconsciousness during which strange and occasionally disturbing visions may be experienced.

* [[spoiler: Gold]]: An element too soft and dense to be useful for building anything out of. It ''is'' quite an effective conductor, but is usually too expensive to be used for that purpose.

* [[spoiler:Eastern Animation]]: Choppy doodles flashed very fast that are not Western or Japanese in origin.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/ThreeThousandWhysOfBlueCat'']]: {{Funny Animal}}s spend time watching science videos.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/{{Canimals}}'']]: Miniscule, troublemaking critters explore the world and hide in their own metallic bodies whenever a human is around.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/HappyHeroes'']]: Vehicles and stones combine to form child superheroes who save the world every day and never learn who their enemies really are.
*** [[spoiler:''Happy Heroes'' Season 7]]: The child superheroes try to stop a fight between a cat and a dog.
*** [[spoiler:''Happy Heroes'' Season 8]]: The child superheroes physically go into a book just to wake someone up.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/{{Lamput}}'']]: Scientists can't return their own invention back to their lab.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/MiracleStar'']]: A milk advertisement and a [[TheMockbuster rip-off cartoon]] in one.
** [[spoiler:''VideoGame/MolesWorld'' animated series]]: A guy can transform into a superhero to save his friends, but he's not aware of his heroic self.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/MotuPatlu'']]: A fat man and a skinny man go on random wacky adventures in their hometown.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/NoonboryAndTheSuper7'']]: A gang of little creatures with amplified senses fight crime.
*** [[spoiler:''Tooba Tooba Noonbory'']]: The aforementioned gang of creatures are now stripped of their amplified senses and appear in SliceOfLife stories.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/PleasantGoatAndBigBigWolf'']]: A guy has to attempt to catch and eat children; if he fails, his wife will beat him up.
*** [[spoiler:''Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf: Paddi the Amazing Chef'']]: The children have to feed a mouse to return a kingdom back to normal.
*** [[spoiler:''Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf: Dear Little Wish'']]: The children help a star to grant wishes.
*** [[spoiler:''Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf: The Tailor's Closet'']]: The guy makes a PortalNetwork connecting a bunch of closets and uses it to catch up with the kids, who are now friends with a bunch of clothesmaker's tools.
*** [[spoiler:''Pleasant Goat Fun Class'']]: That guy is suddenly friends (kinda) with the children and they all want to learn about the world around them.
*** [[spoiler:''Mr.Wolffy, Mr.Right!'']]: That guy becomes a human and stars in an office sitcom.
*** [[spoiler:''Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf: Mighty Little Defenders'']]: That guy masquerades as the children's pet dog. Eventually the children try to befriend their enemies.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/SayHiToPencil'']]: A showcase of days in the life of a writing utensil.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/SimpleSamosa'']]: A bunch of foreign food items go on slow-paced, poorly-animated adventures.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/VirTheRobotBoy'']]: A robot defends the city while hanging out with a girl, a donkey, and a genie.
** [[spoiler:''Animation/YamuchasKungFuAcademy'']]: A bunch of foreign food items attend a martial arts school.

*** Or: Cosplayers roam around begging for food. Scarring gourds and presenting them is one way to show you're willing to provide it.

** [[spoiler:[[AllHallowsEve Halloween]]]]: Strangely-dressed people come to your house and threaten you with pranks unless you poison them with fat and sugar.